Five Stages of a Female's Life

Women hold up half the sky. - Mao Zedong

Well-behaved women seldom make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Hell hath no fury like a woman's corns. - Archie Bunker

He who looketh upon a woman loseth a fender. - Auto repair shop

Her husband was infidelicate with another woman. - Archie Bunker

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. - Irina Dunn

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. - WC Fields

The woman cries before the wedding and the man after. - Polish Proverb

I've been told I'm a role model to many women. - Donald Trump

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

I like men who have a future and women who have a past. - Oscar Wilde

When the devil finds a lazy woman, he puts her to work. - Russian Proverb

Women like silent men. They think they're listening. - Marcel Achard

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. - H L Mencken

The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. - Marcelene Cox

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed. - Henny Youngman

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. - George Burns

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. - Groucho Marx

I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - WC Fields

That woman is liable to come at you like a Doberman's Pincher. - Archie Bunker

A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her. - Oscar Wilde

As long as she thinks of a man, nobody objects to a woman thinking. - Virginia Woolf

The husbands of very beautiful women belong to the criminal classes. - Oscar Wilde

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. - Groucho Marx

Why can't a woman be more like a dog, huh? So sweet, loving, attentive. - Kirk Douglas

The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence, and obsolescence. - Art Linkletter

He who has two women loses his soul. But he who has two homes loses his mind. - Ancient Proverb

The woman who can create her own job is the one who will win fame and fortune. - Amelia Earhart

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. - WC Fields

Menopause is our chance to say, "I am woman - open a freaking window." - Unknown

To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German. - Emperor Charles V

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. - Mary Marsh

Only choose in marriage a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man. - Joseph Joubert

When women are mad or depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler

A man who moralizes is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is usually plain. - Oscar Wilde

Women have a hard enough time in this world; telling them the truth would be too cruel. - H L Mencken

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar. - Groucho Marx

Nothing changes the gender equation more significantly than women's economic freedom. - Gloria Steinem

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost

The fantasy of every Australian man is to have two women - one cleaning and the other dusting. - Maurenn Murphy

Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women access to the mainstream of society. - Rush Limbaugh

To my eye, women get sexier around 35. They know a thing or two, and knowledge is always alluring. - Pierce Brosnan

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong

I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman. - Virginia Woolf

When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face.
That's the price she has to pay. - Groucho Marx

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. - Phyllis Diller

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. - Rod Stewart

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman. - Woody Allen

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with the word 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

There goes a woman who knows all the things that can be taught and none of the things that cannot be taught. - Coco Chanel

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything. - Oscar Wilde

Women are the most powerful magnet in the universe. And all men are cheap metal. And we all know where north is. - Larry Miller

The scorn men express for a male who does housework is exceeded only by their aversion to a woman who doesn't. - Penny Kome

We women know how to take care of everybody so well. But the one person we have written out of the equation is us. - Suze Orman

At present, our country needs women's idealism and determination, perhaps more in politics than anywhere else. - Shirley Chisholm

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson

All of the women on 'The Apprentice' flirted with me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected. - Donald Trump

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. - Unknown

Men have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority. I've never had trouble with a woman in any position. - Sam Malone

I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I'm more honest and my women are more beautiful. - Donald Trump

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. - Hoosier Farmer

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman - it depends on how much happiness you can handle. - George Burns

The widening of woman's sphere is to improve her lot. Let us do it, and if the world scoff, let it scoff - if it sneer, let it sneer. - Lucy Stone

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. - Arthur Schopenhauer

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." - Steven Wright

Like many other women, I could not understand why every man who changed a diaper has felt impelled, in recent years, to write a book about it. - Barbara Ehrenreich

Under the present circumstances, I would rather be a lap dancer than a woman MP - the hours are better and unruly male members are shown the door. - Allison Pearson