Five Stages of a Female's Life

Women hold up half the sky. - Mao Zedong

I married beneath me. All women do. - Lady Nancy Astor

Well-behaved women never make history. - Maria Shriver

Woman, the most dangerous of playthings. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Man has his will, but woman has her way. - Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr

Hell hath no fury like a woman's corns. - Archie Bunker

Behind every good woman is a lot of chocolate. - Unknown

Her husband was infidelicate with another woman. - Archie Bunker

A woman is as old as she looks before breakfast. - Edgar W Howe

Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal. - Steve Rubenstein

Taking joy in life is a woman's best cosmetic. - Rosalind Russell

The woman cries before the wedding and the man after. - Polish Proverb

When the devil finds a lazy woman, he puts her to work. - Russian Proverb

The smiles of a pretty woman are the tears of the purse. - Italian Proverb

I only take Viagra when I'm with more than one woman. - Jack Nicholson

I like women, I don't understand them, but I like them. - Sean Connery

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - Ambrose Bierce

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything. - Marilyn Monroe

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Wilhelm II

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract. - Kathy Lette

There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini

Honesty is probably the sexiest thing a man can give to a woman. - Debra Messing

Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee. - Stephanie Piro

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse. - Spike Milligan

A meal without cheese is like a beautiful woman who lacks an eye. - Jean A Brillat-Savarin

The husbands of very beautiful women belong to the criminal classes. - Oscar Wilde

That woman temptated me up there and you know she was a wonton woman. - Archie Bunker

On one issue at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women. - H L Mencken

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. - H L Mencken

The testimony of a woman has only half the value of the testimony of a man. - Iranian Penal Code

If women can be railroad workers in Russia, why can't they fly in space? - Valentina Tereshkova

A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol - it was the worst 20 minutes of my life. - George Best

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. - Erma Bombeck

The great majority of neuroses in women have their origin in the marriage bed. - Sigmund Freud

A woman's best love letters are always written to the man she is betraying. - Lawrence Durrell

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it. - Evan Esar

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. - Oscar Wilde

Enthusiasm is a vital element toward the individual success of every man or woman. - Conrad Hilton

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men and women are created equal. - Elizabeth Cady Stanton

No honest work of man or woman "fails"; it feeds the sum of all human action. - Michelene Wandor

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. - Helen Rowland

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. - Oscar Wilde

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost

Many a woman has a past, but I am told that she has at least a dozen, and that they all fit. - Oscar Wilde

It is easier for a woman to defend her virtue against men than her reputation against women. - French Proverb

Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. - George Carlin

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be made at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg

The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The fantasy of every Australian man is to have two women - one cleaning and the other dusting. - Maurenn Murphy

Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don't blame Bruce Jenner at all. - Trevor Noah

Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women access to the mainstream of society. - Rush Limbaugh

To my eye, women get sexier around 35. They know a thing or two, and knowledge is always alluring. - Pierce Brosnan

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy. - Goldie Hawn

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd,
Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorned. - William Congreve

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive. - WC Fields

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith's cleavage belongs. - Archie Bunker

A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. - Jane Austen

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again. - Enid Bagnold

No matter how plain a woman may be, if truth and honesty are written across her face, she will be beautiful. - Eleanor Roosevelt

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. - Ogden Nash

Remember, we're fighting for this woman’s honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done! - Groucho Marx

I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out. - Dolly Parton

There's something about a woman with a loud mind that sits in silence, smiling, knowing she can crush you with the truth. - R G Moon

I'm always worried when a woman sees me naked for the first time. That she's just gonna scream and run out of the park. - Gary Delaney

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. - Conan O'Brien

Feminism isn't about making women stronger. Women are already strong. It's about changing the way the world perceives that strength. - G.D. Anderson

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." - Steven Wright

The best way to meet a woman is in an emergency situation - if you're in a shipwreck, or you find yourself behind enemy lines, or in a flood. - Mark Helprin