Apartment sign #1: “No baby carriages or foreign cars allowed in the lobby.”
Apartment laundry room sign: “Please be courteous and remove your clothes promptly,”
Apartment stairwell sign: “No urinating or defecating in stairwells by human or animal is not permitted.”

Atheist Not: “Thank God I’m an atheist!”

Auto Junk Yard (New Jersey): “We have Japanese auto parts.”

Auto Repair Service Station: “Try us once - you'll never go anywhere else again.”

Awning Manufacturer’s Door: “Just a shade better.”

Back of a Bus: “It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.”

Bakery #1: “It’s nice to be kneaded.”
Bakery #2: “Keep your wait under control – take a number.”

Bank: “Drive thru cash machine.”

Bar: “Lunch now being poured.”

Bar Counter: “If Your Cup Runneth Over, Let Someone Else Runneth the Car.”

Barber Shop: “Haircuts while you wait.”

Beautician: “Remember the mane!”

Beauty Salon (Boston): “Curl Harbor”

Billboard: “Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”

Bingo Hall: “Legalize Bingo. Keep Grandma off the streets.”

Biology Professor: “Clones are people two.”

Birth Notice: “Mrs. Jody Defries is pleased to announce the arrival of Elijah Joel – 8 pounds 10 ounces and the loss of twenty pounds.”

Blood Bank: “Donate now - don’t let us be caught with our pints down!”

Boarded Excavation Site (New York): “Danger! Compliments of Vitiello Blasting Mat Co.”

Body Repair Shop: “May We Have The Next Dents?”

Bookstore: “If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.”

Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”

Building Project: “Unemployment Isn't Working!”

Butcher Shop #1: “THIS WEEK ONLY: T-BONE - $1.00”
… Pedestrians had to step much closer to read the type underneath:
With meat: $12.00
Butcher Shop #2: “Let me meat your needs.”
Butcher Shop #3: “The Best of the Wurst.”

Cabinetmaker’s Truck: “Counter Fitters”

Cafeteria: “Swift, courteous self-service.”

Camouflage Store: “Wise guise.”

Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Car Mechanic #1: “Come see us if you need a brake.”
Car Mechanic #2: “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

Car (rear bumper): “Don’t be a bumper-sticker.”

Car Wash (Saskatoon): “If you can read this sign, it’s time to wash your car.”

California Smog Station: “Can UCLA?”

Car Bumper: “Ban Bumper Stickers”

Car (on an Indian reservation): “Custer got Siouxed.”

Car sign: “Sex Appeal – Give Generously.”

Car (slow moving): “I brake for tailgaters.”

Cardiologist Office: “With all my heart.”

Catholic Church during Christmas Season: “Closed for the holidays.”

Cemetery Plots: “Invest in an underground condominium.”

Chalked on a Post-no-notices Wall: “Down With Graffiti”

Chicken Incubator: “Cheepers By The Dozen”

Chinese Laundry: “We don’t tear your clothes with clumsy machinery – we do it carefully by hand.”

Chinese Pet Sore: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”

Church Billboard: “7 days without God makes one weak.”

Church sign: “You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, you can ignore this notice.”

City Bus: “Thinking of committing suicide? Perhaps we can help.”

Classified Ad: “Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.”

Christmas Store (Dublin): “Irish you a Merry Christmas!”

Church Door: “This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door).”

Coffee Shop: “At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.”

Coin Collectors: “For Old Dimes Sake”

Community College: “If Your Mind Isn’t Becoming You, You Should Be Coming Here.”

Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”

Cocktail Lounge: “I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy.”

Conference: “For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.”

Construction Site (Tokyo): “Coming Soon – Hotel And Offices; Biggest Erection In Tokyo!”

Convalescent Home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”

Counselor’s Office: “Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional.”

Country Shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”

Countryside Fence: “The bull can cross the field in 4.7 seconds. Can you?”

Couturier Shop: “In my fashion.”

Custom-building Company: “Will Build to Suit”
Tailor’s Shop (next door): “Will Suit to Build”

Dairy Farmer: “I owe my success to udders.”

Deer Crossing: “The Buck Stops Here.”

Deli: “Try Our Special Swiss Cheese: 24% less cavities.”

Demolition Company Truck: “Edifice Wrecks”

Dentist’s Office: “Nothing dentured, nothing gained.”

Department Store: “Bargain Basement Upstairs”

Discotheque: “In case of fire, hustle to the nearest exit!”

Disco: “SMARTS is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.”

Divorce Lawyer: “Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back.”

Doctor’s Office (Rome): “Specialist in women and other diseases.”

Doctor's Office: “Would you like syrup on your pancreas?”

Doctor’s House: “BEDSIDE MANOR”

Door: “Please Do Not Read This.”

Dormitory Bathtub: “Don’t forget your ring!”

Dry Cleaner (long-established in New Mexico): “38 years on the same spot.”

Dry Cleaner’s Shop: “How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”
Dry Cleaner's Shop #2: “Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.”
Dry Cleaner's Shop #3: “We’ll clean for you. We’ll press for you. We’ll even dye for you.”

Electric Company #1: “Power to the People.”
Electric Company #2: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.”
Electric Company #3: “Watts you see is watts you get.”

Electrician's Truck: "Let us remove your shorts.”

Elevator Door: "This elevator is out of whack... more whack is on order.”

English Office: “After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.”

English Sign in a German Cafe: “Mothers, please wash your Hans before eating.”

Exterminator’s Office: “We make mouse calls.”

Exterminator’s Truck: “We make money the old-fashioned way. We kill for it.”

Fancy Food Store: “We sell the finest homemade imported caviar.”

Farm: “Horse Manure: $50 per pre-packed bag. $20 Do-It-Yourself.”

Farm Equipment Dealership: “We stand behind all of our implements except the manure spreader.”

Farm Gate: “Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left…”

Farmer’s Field: “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.”

Fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

First Prize (sign pinned to dress of pregnant woman @ a masquerade ball): “I Should Have Danced All Night”

Fortune Teller’s Office: “We have medium prices.”

Front Door: “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We'll wait.”
Funeral Home: “When business is good, we can't brag. When business is bad, we can't complain!”

Garbage Truck: “Always at your disposal.”

Gardening Shop: “Your Gardening Angel.”

Gas Station #1: “Please do not smoke near our gas pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our gas is.”
Gas Station #2 (Santa Fe): “We will not sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”

Gynecologist Office #1: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
Gynecologist Office #2: “We have an opening for you.”

Health Food Shop Window: “Closed due to illness.”

High-rise Condominium: “Do under others as you would have them do under you.”

High School Wall #1: “Fite Illiteracy.”
High School Wall #2: “Stay in school and be up to know-good.”
High School Wall #3: “This Is a Mental Institution.”

Hog Raising Business (Pilget, Nebraska): “Oink, Inc.”

Home Security System’s Store: “Been burglarized? Get alarmed!”

Hospital Ward Door: “Visitors: HUSBANDS ONLY. ONE PER BED.”

Hotel #1: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
Hotel #2: “Please turn off the lights when not using them. Thanks a watt!”

Hotel (Austria): “In case of fire please do utmost to alarm hall porter.”

Hotel (Las Vegas): “Eat, Drink, and Remarry.”

Hotel Elevator (Belgrade):
“To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor.
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.”
 

House Painter’s Truck: “Love Thy Neighbour! Paint Thy House.”

Housekeeper’s Classified Ad: “Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.”

Hardware Store (above a bin containing flyswatters):
“The hand is quicker than the eye is.”
… and beneath this, a cynical customer had printed:
“But often slower than the fly is.”

Jewelry Shop: “Ring Your Christmas Bell.”

joe-ks.com: “Largest Source of Internet Humour, eh!”

Laundromat: “Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.”

Lawyer #1: “We do trials for errors.”
Lawyer #2 (Texas): “Remember the Alimo-ny.”

Leaflet: “If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.”

Library #1: “Beauty is only a light switch away.”
Library #2: “I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.”
Library #3: “This library will be closed for Reading Day.”

Library (Egypt): “Where’s my mummy?”

Liquor Store: “Stop Here for Your Holiday Spirits.”

Loan Company #1: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
Loan Company #2: “Come in and see us if you are loan-ly.”

Locksmith Shop: “Let me help you out – or in.”

Magazine Editor: “Fiddler on the Proof.”

Magician: “Super Duper”
 

Mammograms “R” Us:  “ We squeeze to please”
 

Masseur: “It's nice to be kneaded.”

Maternity Room Door: “Push, Push, Push.”

Maternity Ward (Florida): “No children allowed.”

Mathematics Professor’s House: “AFTER MATH”
Medical Building: “Mental Health Prevention Center”

Men’s Clothing Store (Tacoma, Washington): “15 men’s wool suits, $10 each. They won’t last an hour!”

Men’s Restroom #1: “Express Lane: Five beers or less.”
Men’s Restroom #2: “If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!”
Men’s Restroom #3: “Make love, not war… Heck, do both - GET MARRIED!”
Men’s Restroom #4: “No wonder you always go home alone.”
Men’s Restroom #5: “To do is to be - Descartes… To be is to do - Voltaire… Do be do be do - Sinatra.”
Men’s Restroom #6: “Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.”
Men’s Restroom #7:
“God is dead - Nietzsche” (top sign)
“Nietzsche is dead - God” (bottom sign)
Men’s Restroom #8:
“You can squeeze it, you can shake it, you can bang it on the wall,
but it's always in your pants that the final drop will fall.”

Men’s Shop (for stout men): “Go thou and thin no more!”

Menu: “TODAY’S SPECIAL: Barely Soup”

Midget’s Summer House: “TOO LODGE”

Minister: “When in doubt, faith it!”

Minister’s Bills: “Due unto others.”

Miss Piggy: “Never eat more than you can lift.”

Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary - we'll hear you coming.”

Museum Display Door: “Pompeii and Circumstance.”

Music Library Door: “Bach In A Minuet”

Music Store: “Come in, pick out a drum, then beat it!”

Music Teacher's Door: “OUT CHOPIN”

New English Town Hall (which was to be opened by the Queen): “The Town Hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.”

Newlywed’s Car: “From Here To Maternity”

Newspaper Headline: “County officials talk rubbish.”

Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

Notice sent to Residents of a Wiltshire Parish: “Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.”

Nuclear Power Plant: “Gone Fission”

Nudist Camp: “Sorry - Clothed for Winter.”
Nudist Colony Entrance: “Please Bare With Us.”

Obstetrician’s Office #1: “Pay as you grow.”
Obstetrician’s Office #2: “Use the pill – don’t make a fetal mistake!”

Office: “Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.”

Operating Room Entrance: “May I Cut In?”

Optional Clothing Track Club for Journalists: “All the Nudes That’s Fit to Sprint.”

Optometrist’s Office: “If you don't see what you’re looking for, you've come to the right place.”

Orchestra Leader’s Office #1: “I throw tempo tantrums.”
Orchestra Leader’s Office #2: “Music Score:  Beethoven 7,  Bach 3”

Ornithologist’s House: “Home Tweet Home”

Orthopedic Surgeon sign: “Never accept a drink from a Urologist.”

Over Author’s Study: “Writer’s Cramp”

Over Guest Room Bed: “Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home.”

Package Label: “Please notify us at once if this label fell off in transit.”

Park Bench:     WHET PAYNT
Passerby: “You spelled ‘wet’ wrong.”
Painter: “I know, but when I spell it right, no one pays attention.”

Parka Tag:    Material
Wool 20%
Unknown 70%
Other 10%

Pet Store Bird Cage: “Don't rattle my cage or my owner will rattle yours.”

Photographer's Studio: “Out to Lunch: If not back by five, out for Dinner also.”

Pickup Camper: “Gone with the Whim.”

Pilot (lady): “Plane Jane”

Pizza Shop #1: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
Pizza Shop #2: “Buy our pizza. We knead the dough.”
Pizza Shop #3: “If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.”
Pizza Shop #4: “We Offer Pizza and Quiet.”

Plastic Surgeons’ Door: “Hello, can we pick your nose?”

Plumber Truck #1: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
Plumber Truck #2: “Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
Plumber Truck #3: “Do it yourself. Then call us before it’s too late.”

Podiatrist's Office: “Time wounds all heels.”

Pottery Shop: “Feats of Clay.”

Proctologist's Door: “To expedite your visit, please back in.”

Propane Filling Station: “Tank heaven for little grills.”

Psychiatrist Ad: “A cure guaranteed or your mania back.”

Psychic's Hotline: “Don't call us, we'll call you.”

Radiator Shop (Boise, Idaho): “Best place in town to take a leak.”

Realtor’s Window: “Get lots while young.”

Reception Room: “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left...”

Repair Shop Door: “We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)”

Rest Stop (Arizona): “If you drive like Hell, you’re sure to get there.”

Restaurant #1: “Everything comes to him who orders hash.”
Restaurant #2: “Open seven days a week and weekends.”
Restaurant #3: “Our fish come from the best schools.”
Restaurant #4: “Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves.”

Restaurant (French): “Mais oui serve vous?”
Restaurant (India): “New Delhicatessen.”
Restaurant (Nautical Restrooms): “Buoys and Gulls.”

Restaurant Menu:
Ice cream $1.50
Pie (like Mother made) $1.00
Pie (like Mother wished she could make) $3.00

Restaurant Menu (Texas): “Remember the à la mode!”

Restaurant Window: “Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”

Retired Admiral’s House: “All Abode”

Revenue Canada Tax Office:
“WATCH YOUR STEP” on the entrance door
“WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE” on the exit door

Road Sign #1 (New York): “Entering New York City – suggested for mature audiences.”
Road Sign #2 (Ottawa): “When this sign is underwater, this road is impassable.”
Road Sign #3 (near Florida): “You’ve driven yourself into a fine state!”
Road Sign #4 (near Ft. Lauderdale Beach): “Don’t watch the curves.”

Roofer’s Truck (Manhattan): “Fiedler On The Roof.”

Safari Park: “Elephants please stay in your car.”

Safe Company: “If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault.”

Sales Manager’s Office: “Sales resistance is the triumph of mind over patter.”

Sanitarium Door: “Nobody leaves here mad.”

Scientist's Door: “GONE FISSION”

Scottish Golf Course: “Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.”

Scuba Diving Store: “We carry a complete line of under ware.”

Search & Rescue Office: “Support your local rescue squad. Get lost.”

Second-Hand Shop: “We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?”

Septic Tank Truck #1: “Get flush with us.”
Septic Tank Truck #2: “We haul American made products.”
Septic Tank Truck #3: “We're #1 in the #2 business.”
Septic Tank Truck #4: “Where a flush beats a full house.”
Septic Tank Truck #5: “Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.”

Shoe Shine Stand: “One shoe shined absolutely free.”

Sleep Shop #1: “Man does not live by bed alone.”
Sleep Shop #2: “Water mattress with springs.”

Soft Drink Machine: “Beware - This machine is coinivorous!”

Sports Car: “The Keys Are on the Seat Next to the Doberman.”

Stationery Store: “Prices on everything are going up but our writing paper remains stationery.”

Store in Receivership: “We undersold everybody.”

Store Window #1: “Cash accepted with proper ID.”
Store Window #2: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”

Student’s Dormitory (Sweden):
“Italians are not allowed to sing after midnight.”
“Germans are not permitted to get up before 5:00 A.M.”

Swim Coach’s Office: “Confidentially, you sink!”

Swimming Program: “We practice submersive activities.”

Tailor Shop (Kowloon): “Customers giving orders will be swiftly executed.”

Taxidermist's sign: “If called by a panther, don’t anther.”

Taxidermist's Window: “We really know our stuff.”

Teamwork sign: “Only dead fish swim with the stream.”

Termite Exterminator’s Office: “Termites never die – they just go on living happily ever rafter.”

Therapist’s Office: “Unshrinkingly yours.”

Tire Shop: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

Towing Company #1: “Call us at any hour. We’re always on our tows.”
Towing Company #2: “I go where I'm towed.”
Towing Company #3: “We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

Toy Store: “There’s no gift like the present.”

Tree Surgeon: “We go out on a limb for you.”

Truck (on right rear): “Pass on the right for that off-the-shoulder look.”

Truck sign: “Pass with care – I chew tobacco.”

Undertaker's Door: “We're the last one to let you down.”

Valentine’s Day “I Love You” Card: “Now available in multi-packs.”

Venetian Blind Dealer’s Car: “Watch Out! Blind Man Driving!”

Veterinarian Clinic #1: “Hospital Zone – No Barking.”
Veterinarian Clinic #2: “Meowy Christmas and Yappy New Year.”

Veterinarian’s Waiting Room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Warning: “Quicksand: Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.”

Waterbed Shop: “Your vinyl resting place.”

Weight-reduction Store #1:  “A word to the wides is sufficient.”
Weight-reduction Store #2: “Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we diet!”
Weight-reduction Store #3: “If you’re thin, don’t eat fast. If you’re fat, don’t eat – fast.”
Weight-reduction Store #4: “Stop! Look! Lessen!”
Weight-reduction Store #5: “Twenty-Four Shaping Days Till Christmas!”

Women’s Restroom #1: “A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.”
Women’s Restroom #2: “Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.”
Women’s Restroom #3: “The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.”
Women’s Restroom #4: “You're too good for him.”

Wrestling Gym: “Our sport gets a hold on you.”

Wrigley Factory: “Gum in.”