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| What do you get when you cross a rattlesnake with a fox who gossips? |
A rattle tattle tail. |
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| What do you get when you cross a small mammal with a fruit tree? |
A guinea fig. |
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| Who plays country music at the beach? |
Fiddler crabs. |
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| What do you call a grandmother who designs programs? |
A computer programma. |
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| What kind of keys does a baker use to start his car? |
Coo-keys. |
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| What do you call a group of giraffes going to a watering hole? |
Necks in line. |
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| What colour hair do most witches have? |
Brew-nette. |
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| How do astronauts feel the day after they return to earth? |
Down and out. |
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| Where do hurricanes sit during band practice? |
In the wind section. |
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| Who slept on an ironing board for 20 years? |
Rip Van Wrinkle. |
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| What does the littlest duck in the family wear? |
Hand-me-down. |
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| What goes zzub zzub? |
A bee flying backward. |
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| What do you get when you cross a parakeet with a lawnmower? |
Shredded tweet |
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| Where do crayons go on vacation? |
To a wax museum. |
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| What kind of bird can write? |
A penguin. |
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| Why couldn't the teddy bear eat his dessert? |
He was stuffed. |
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| What do you call it when crooks go surfing? |
A crime wave |
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| Why did the algae marry the fungus? |
They took a lichen to each other. |
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| Why do barbers make good drivers? |
Because they know all the short cuts. |
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| What did the cheeseburger name its daughter? |
Patty |
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| How many Canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? |
No-one knows - they're all too busy playing hockey. |
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| Why aren't dogs good dancers? |
Because they have two left feet. |
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| What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is in the pool? |
Bob |
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| What did the ghost teacher say to her class? |
Watch the board, and I'll go through it again. |
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| Why did the cat put an 'M' into the freezer? |
It turns into mice. |
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| Why wouldn't they let the butterfly into to the dance? |
Because it was a moth ball. |
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| What kind of train carries gum? |
A chew-chew train. |
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| What did the chewing gum say to the shoe? |
I'm stuck on you. |
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| What do you call a fake noodle? |
An impasta. |
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| Is it hard to spot a leopard? |
No, they come that way. |
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| What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a porcupine? |
A slowpoke. |
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| Why do soccer players do so well in school? |
They use their heads. |
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| How can you tell which end of a worm is its head? |
Tickle the middle, and see which end laughs. |
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| What country did candy come from? |
Sweeten |
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| Where do rabbits go after their wedding? |
On their bunnymoon. |
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| What do you call a dog owned by Dracula? |
A blood hound. |
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| What kind of cat likes to go bowling? |
An alley cat. |
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| What did the baseball glove say to the baseball? |
"Catch you later." |
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| Why did Little Johnny put candles on the toilet? |
He wanted to have a birthday potty. |
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| What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning? |
An alarm cluck. |
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| What do you call a shy lamb? |
Baaash-ful. |
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| What do you call an insect that talks a lot and then turns into a moth? |
A chatter-pillar. |
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| Why do potatoes make good detectives? |
They keep their eyes peeled. |
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| Who is the sacred woman of Tibet? |
The Dalai Mama. |
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| What do you call an attack by a bunch of wigs? |
A hair raid. |
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| How do they stop crime at McDonald's? |
With a burger alarm. |
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| What kind of fish do they serve on airplanes? |
Flying fish. |
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| What kind of Doctor operates on Styrofoam robots? |
A plastic surgeon. |
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| Why do spiders spin webs? |
Because they don't know how to knit. |
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| Why was Johnny Appleseed surprised when he was hit on the head by an apple? |
He was sitting under a pear tree. |
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| Why did the square girl break up with the square boy? |
Because he was never around. |
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| How do you get even with your computer winning at chess? |
Try it at kick-boxing instead. |
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| Where do you send old detectives? |
To the clue factory. |
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| What bear doesn't want to grow up? |
Peter Panda. |
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| Why are vampires artistic? |
They're good at drawing blood. |
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| What kind of music do insects like to dance to? |
Buggy woogie. |
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| What do you get if you cross a small bear and a cow? |
Winnie the Moo. |
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| Which dog works for the circus? |
The sideshow barker. |
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| What did the dirt say to the rain? |
'Thanks to you, my name is mud.' |
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| Where do algebra teachers soak after a long, hard day? |
In the math tub. |
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| What do you get if a dinosaur steps on your foot? |
Anklosaurus. |
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| How do you make soup gold? |
You put in 14 carrots. |
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| Where do streams buy their novels? |
At a brookstore. |
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| What do you call a teacher who has a lot of accidents? |
Miss Hap. |
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| What kind of market does a dog hate? |
A flea market. |
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| Where do cats go on vacation? |
The island of Meowi. |
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| Why was the opera singer arrested? |
She was always breaking into a song. |
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| What do you do with a mouse that squeaks? |
You oil him. |
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| What does it mean when you find a lucky horseshoe? |
One unlucky horse is going barefoot. |
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| Who did the Irish setter hire to watch her pups? |
A baby setter. |
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| What would you get if you crossed an Irish cook with an Italian cook? |
Stew-ghetti. |
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| What do you call a big Irish spider? |
Paddy long legs. |
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| Why did the Irishman go to the foot Doctor? |
He had lepre-corns. |
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| What would you get if you crossed a mathematician with a dentist? |
A square root canal. |
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| Why did the dog get a ticket? |
For double-barking. |
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| What do you call a witch who drives badly? |
A road hag. |
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| How many vampires can you fit into an empty sports stadium? |
One - after that it's not empty. |
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| What kind of shampoo does the U.S. President use? |
Hair Force One. |
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| Which cafeteria food makes you throw up? |
Spew-ghetti. |
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| How do roofers march in a parade? |
In shingle file. |
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| What do you use to get into a haunted house? |
A skeleton key. |
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| How did the pen know it was time for a refill? |
It just had an ink-ling. |
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| What do you call a wrestler that cries a lot? |
Sulk Hogan. |
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| How do you start a Jell-o race? |
'Get set!' |
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| What would you get if you cross a rabbit with an amoeba? |
A bunny that can multiply and divide itself. |
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| What is a sleeping child? |
A kidnapper. |
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| What's the official hot dog of the Academy Awards? |
Oscar Mayer. |
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| What lives in a shell and sleeps all day? |
A napping turtle. |
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| Why did Little Johnny put his father in the fridge? |
He wanted ice cold pop. |
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| How do you clean a crow? |
Run it through a caw wash. |
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| What kind of car do toads drive? |
Hop rods. |
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| Why did Little Johnny take hay to bed? |
To feed his nightmare. |
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| What happened when the hen went crazy? |
It laid cracked eggs. |
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| What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark? |
Frostbite. |
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| What do the letter 'A' and a rose have in common? |
Bs come after them both. |
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| What would you get if you crossed a cat with a dog? |
An animal that fights with itself. |
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| What is a man who tests people's eyes called? |
An optimist. |
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| Why did Little Johnny think the teacher had a crush on him? |
She put Xs all over his homework. |
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| What's the most faithful bug? |
A tick because it always sticks to its friends. |
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| How do fireflies start a race? |
'Ready, set, glow!' |
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