What did the pig say after laying out in the sun all day?
* 'I'm Bacon!' *

What climbs trees without a sound and has feet that always touch the ground?
* A vine *

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
* No body *

What do mummies wear on Halloween?
* Cos-tombs *

What has to be broken before it can be used?
* An egg *

I have three eyes, all in a line. When the red one opens, all freezes. What am I?
* A traffic light *

What kind of puzzle never sits still?
* A jigglesaw puzzle *

What happened when the dry cleaner was mugged?
* He pressed charges *

What do you call a keyboard with good morals?
* An upright piano *

If you wake up in the night, what should you do for a light?
* Take a feather from the pillow - that's light enough *

Where is a sneeze usually pointed?
* Achoo *

How could you tell the tailor was tired?
* He was panting *

What kind of mail do air conditioners receive?
* Fan mail *

What kind of tea do the King and Queen drink?
* Royalty *

What person makes a living by talking to himself?
* A ventriloquist *

What is net profit?
* What a fisherman earns *

How do you make a lighthouse?
* Use balsa wood *

Where does a butcher dance?
* At a meatball *

What fish light up the sky?
* Starfish *

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
* Because it is the scenter *

Why doesn't Sweden import cattle from other countries?
* Because it keeps a good Stockholm *

What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
* A croaker spaniel *

What can you hold without touching it?
* Your breath *

What's the smartest American state?
* Alabama because it has 4 As and 1 B *

Why did the cookie cry?
* Because its mommy had been a wafer so long *

What is the best ship to have?
* Friendship *

What holes are not holes?
* Knotholes *

Which fish doesn't like to be alone?
* The grouper *

Why is getting up at five in the morning like a pig's tail?
* It's twirly *

What kind of bell doesn't ring?
* A dumbbell *

Why do farmers make good tailors?
* Because they know how to sow *

Do Cadillacs stretch?
* No, but Mercedes Benz *

What bus crossed the ocean?
* Columbus *

How do you spell “we” with two letters without using the letters W and E?
* U and I *

An electrician and a carpenter are shopping in a store. One of them is the father of the other's son.
How can this be possible?
* They are husband and wife *

What is half of infinity?
* Nity *

What has a spine but no bones?
* A book *

Why doesn't a steam locomotive like to sit down?
* Because it has a tender behind *

What's the difference between the sun and bread?
* The sun rises in the east, and the bread rises with the yeast *

How do you turn ants into undies?
* Put a P in front of them *

Where does the army keep fish?
* In a tank *

What wears a coat in winter and pants all summer?
* A dog *

How many books can you carry in an empty backpack?
* None - the backpack's empty *

What is the best exercise for losing weight?
* Pushing yourself away from the table *

How does the Joe-kster eat a computer?
* Bit by bit *

How do you serve toffee?
* In toffee tups *

Where can you sue someone for making an awful racket?
* In a tennis court *

What kind of thinking makes you the most tired?
* Wrestling with your conscience *

What trees do fortune tellers look at?
* Palms *

What is the smallest room in the world?
* A mushroom *

What's the most agile type of bat?
* An acrobat *

What can never be untied?
* A rainbow *

What do you call a rabbit that's won the lottery?
* A millionhare *

What doesn't ask questions but demands an answer?
* A ringing phone *

What part of your body is most like a baby animal?
* Your calf *

What do you call a girl who has three boyfriends named William?
* A Bill collector *

What's the difference between a banana and a bell?
* You can only peel the banana once *

What kind of cake holds water?
* Sponge cake *

What has tracks that arrive before it gets there?
* A train *

What bird is like a gulp?
* A swallow *

What bird can lift the most weight?
* A crane *

What goes through water but doesn't get wet?
* A ray of light *

What close relatives do boy robots have?
* Transisters *

What runs but doesn't have legs?
* A nose *

What kind of cake can make you froth at the mouth?
* A cake of soap *

Where do fish wash their hands?
* In the river basin *

What kind of button can't you unbutton?
* A belly button *

When does Q come before P?
* During a concert intermission *

What kind of pigeon sits down a lot?
* A stool pigeon *

Why do you have to be careful with sunrises and sunsets?
* Because day breaks and night falls *

Why can't you use Wayne Gretzky wallpaper?
* It won't go in corners *

What males give birth to cats?
* Himalayan kittens *

What driver goes around in circles?
* A screwdriver *

What kind of phone can be heard but not talked into?
* A xylophone *

What nuts remind you of vegetables?
* Peanuts *

What flies yet never goes anywhere?
* A flag *

Which airline do rich people fly?
* Billion air *

How does a British policeman keep his badge on?
* With a bobby pin *

How do you make a weather vane?
* Keep giving it compliments *

What part of the house has a heartbeat and breathes?
* The living room *

How does a person who cremates bodies make his money?
* He urns it *

What kind of clothes does a house wear?
* Address *

What word has the most letters in it?
* Mailbox *

What's an eight letter word that only has one letter in it?
* Envelope *

What is H204?
* Drinking *

What has a bottom at the top?
* Legs *

What relaxes a chess player?
* Taking a knight off *

When is the best time to milk a cow?
* When she's in the moo-d *

What did Mary have when she went out for dinner?
* Everybody knows that Mary had a little lamb *

Where was the first french fry made?
* In Grease *

How many sides has a circle got?
* Two - the inside and the outside *

What's the difference between here and there?
* The letter "T" *

What question can a person ask all day long, getting a different answer each time, yet all the answers are correct?
* What time is it? *

Why is a slippery sidewalk like music?
* If you don't C Sharp, you'll B Flat *

If all the numbers hold a race, who will win?
* Only 1 wins *

What can you say about a depressed dentist?
* That he's down in the mouth *

What flower does everyone have?
* Tulips *

You have an oil lamp, a stove and a fireplace - which do you light first?
* A match *

What pipe never smokes?
* A bagpipe *

Which books teach you how to fight?
* Scrapbooks *

Who is the thirstiest person in the world?
* The one who drinks Canada Dry *

Why is a fisherman more honest than a shepherd?
* A fisherman lives by hook and a shepherd lives by crook *

How can you get a cow into a frying pan?
* Use shortening *

What's the best way to save face?
* Keep the bottom half shut *

What goes “Mark!”?
* A dog with a hare lip *

How many sides does a house have?
* Two - inside and outside *

What can you serve but never eat?
* A volleyball *

If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
* A bagel *

What's black when clean and white when dirty?
* A blackboard *

The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it, and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
* A coffin *

Which two words in the English language have the most letters?
* Post Office *

What's in the middle of Paris?
* R *

What time is it when 12 dogs chase a cat?
* Twelve after one *

What do hangmen read?
* Noosepapers *

What is dark but made out of light?
* A shadow *

What type of fish do you find in a birdcage?
* A perch *

What's the difference between a hill and a pill?
* One is hard to get up, the other is hard to get down *

Why did Henry VIII put ten pins on his lawn?
* He wanted to take Anne Boleyn *

What kind of nuts have no shells?
* Doughnuts *

Who settled in the West before anyone else?
* The sun *

What stays hot in your refrigerator?
* A hot dog *

What always has its eye open but never sees anything?
* A needle *

Why is a cloud like a jockey?
* They both hold the rains *

Where do you find the most fish?
* Between the head and the tail *

A rooster sits on a barn roof. If it lays an egg, on which side will it roll off?
* Neither - roosters don't lay eggs *

What kind of salad can you make with a cantaloupe and Lassie?
* Melancholy *

What is Cole's Law?
* Mostly it's thinly sliced cabbage *

What word is always pronounced incorrectly?
* Incorrectly *

What can you put in a box that will make it lighter?
* Holes *

What bug can jump higher than a house?
* All of them - houses can't jump *

What's red and white?
* Pink *

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
* Dung *

If two's company, and three's a crowd, what are four and five?
* Nine *

How do fireflies learn their math?
* With flash cards *

Why is the sun hot?
* Because it's not cold *

What is Dracula's favourite fruit?
* Neck-tarines *

What place do worms like to visit the most?
* The Big Apple *

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
* Pilgrims *

What's the difference between a baseball player and a crazy pilot?
* One bats flies, the other flies bats *

Who was the first man in space?
* The man in the moon *

What does an envelope say when you lick it?
* Nothing - it just shuts up *

What do you call a sunburn on your stomach?
* Pot roast *

Where do frogs sit?
* On toadstools *

What paper makes you itch?
* Scratch paper *

Which flowers are the laziest?
* The ones that lie in beds *

What 4 letters does the dentist say to his patient?
* ICDK *

What's an astronaut's favourite drink?
* Gravi-tea *
Two mothers and their two daughters were fishing. They managed to catch one bass, one catfish, and one perch.
Since only three fish were caught, how is it possible that they each took home a fish?
* The fishing party consisted of three people. A grandmother, a mother and a daughter. The mother is both a mother and a daughter. *

What kind of bath can you take without water?
* A sun bath *

What's drawn by everyone without pen or pencil?
* Breath *

What doesn't get any wetter no matter how much it rains?
* The ocean *

What time is the same spelled backward or forward?
* Noon *

What kind of apple has a short temper?
* A crab apple *

What kind of star wears sunglasses?
* A movie star *

What piece of wood is like a king?
* A ruler *

What runs but never walks?
* Water *

On what kind of ships do students study?
* Scholarships *

Why did the man bring a bag of feathers to the store?
* He wanted to make a down payment *

What's the best thing to drink during a marathon?
* Running water *

What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
* A spelling bee *

When is it not civilized to play cards?
* When the Joker is wild *

What beverage is best for a golfer?
* Tea *

Why is a bride always unlucky on her wedding day?
* Because she does not marry the best man *

What is very light but can't be lifted?
* A bubble *

How many worms make a foot?
* Twelve inchworms *

What can you put in a glass but never take out of it?
* A crack *

What colour is rain?
* Water colour *

What kind of artist can't you trust?
* A sculptor, because he's always chiseling *

What is a dance for two containers?
* The can-can *

What turns everything around but doesn't move?
* A mirror *

On what nuts can pictures hang?
* Walnuts *

What kind of tie does a pig wear?
* A pigsty *

Why does your sense of touch suffer when you are ill?
* Because you don't feel well *

Why are cards like wolves?
* Both belong to a pack *

What carries things but does not move?
* A shelf *

Why is the sea measured in knots?
* They keep the ocean tied *

Why is a lie like a wig?
* Because it is a false hood *

What did the valedictorian of the modeling school earn?
* The highest beauty mark *

What's the difference between the rising and the setting sun?
* A day *

How do you describe a tired kangaroo?
* Out of bounds *

When is an apple like a book?
* When it is red *

What was Noah doing in the kitchen?
* Preserving pears (pairs) *

When is a black dog not a black dog?
* When he's a greyhound *

I am something everyone overlooks no matter how careful he is. What am I?
* Your nose *

What's the quickest way to make anti-freeze?
* Hide her clothes *

Why was the theater crying?
* The seats were all in tiers *

How does an Irish potato change its nationality?
* It gets French-fried *

What gets smaller the more you put in it?
* A hole in the ground *

What 5-letter word can you take out the 1st, 3rd & last letter, and still have the same word?
* Empty *

What kind of clothing lasts the longest?
* Underwear - it's never worn out *

What islands are known for their music?
* The Piano Keys *

What snack is served at card parties?
* Poker chips *

What do stockbrokers use to mend a broken heart?
* Ticker tape *

When is the toughest time to play horseshoes?
* When the shoes are still on the horses *

What do you call a giggling field of corn?
* Laughing stalks *

When Joe added 5 and 5 together, his answer was X. How can that be?
* He was using Roman Numerals: V + V = X *

Why is the letter 'A' like a flower?
* Because a bee comes after it *

Who is the smallest man mentioned in the Bible?
* Peter the disciple - he slept on his watch *

What word contains all of the twenty six letters?
* Alphabet *

What happens to salaries during a wage freeze?
* They are put in a snow bank *

What did the musician bring to the music store?
* A Chopin list *

What does Mother Earth use to fish?
* The North Pole *

What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish?
* Paddy 'O'Furniture *

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
* A sham rock *

Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
* Because they wear green *

When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
* When it's a French fry *

What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
* Some horse is going barefoot *

Why is an Irish river rich?
* Because it has two banks *

What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
* A Jolly Green Giant *

When is a riddle not a riddle?
* When you put a 'G' in front of it (griddle) *

Where do roses sleep?
* In a flower bed *

Which month never walks?
* March *

What is always coming up, as it is always going down?
* The sun *

What goes through a door but never goes in or out?
* A keyhole *

What room is good for making baby food in?
* A mush room *

What kind of bell never rings?
* A barbell *

Where is the best place to get a bronze body in Mexico?
* In the Yuca-tan *

How can you spell candy with two letters?
* C and Y *

What begins with T, ends in T, and is filled with tea?
* A teapot *

What do horses read to their children at bedtime?
* Pony tales *

When is an artist dangerous?
* When he draws a gun *

How can you tell the difference between trees?
* Listen to their barks *

What kind of tables do people eat?
* Vegetables *

What insect curses in a low voice?
* A locust *

What invention allows you to see through walls?
* A window *

Which number has its own day of the week?
* Two's day *

Why did the art gallery put its collection in a vault?
* To have Monet in the bank *

What can't you see that is always before you?
* The future *

What do you call a ballerina who works in a pub?
* A tap dancer *

What is in fashion but always out of date?
* The letter "F" *

Where does a peacock go to get its feathers replaced?
* To a retail store *

What does an artist use to depict blue skies?
* An air brush *

What type of flowers should you never give on Valentine's Day?
* Cauliflowers *

Who takes inventory in a restaurant?
* The lunch counter *

How did the insomniac eventually catch up on his sleep?
* He ran around his bed *

What do liars do after they die?
* Lie still *

What does it cost to repair a tire?
* A flat rate *

What has a big mouth but can't talk?
* A jar *

What word allows you to take away two letters and get one?
* Alone *

What kind of animal tells little white lies?
* An amphibian *

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
* A flat miner *

What question can you never answer “yes” to?
* Are you asleep? *

What's an IG?
* An eskimo's house with no loo *

How do you keep a ship's crew from playing cards?
* Stand on the deck *

When is it OK to eat vegetable soup in a cracked bowl?
* When the soup has a leek in it *

What kind of bell is hard to hear?
* A decibel *

What is the definition of a pedigree?
* A diploma for a dog *

What is the #1 tourist attraction for blind people?
* The Eye Full Tower *

Where do astronauts pack their sandwiches?
* In a launch pail *

How can you tune into the sun?
* Use a sundial *

What makes less noise as its mouth gets wider?
* A river *

How can you tell if math teachers dye their hair?
* You can see their square roots *

When did the fly fly?
* When the spider spied her *

What has two legs but cannot walk, and has a seat but cannot sit?
* A pair of pants *

How do you get water into a watermelon?
* Plant it in the spring *

I weigh hundreds of pounds but you can lift me with ease. What am I?
* A scale *

When can one million become nothing?
* When the only 1 there leaves *

What falls all day yet never gets hurt?
* A waterfall *

What are the best periods in a kangaroo's life?
* The Leap Years *

What kind of umbrellas do most people carry on a rainy day?
* Wet Ones *

What do you call a hang glider's last run?
* The Final Draft *

Who only reads underground?
* Bookworms *

Where does it never rain?
* Under an umbrella *

What is bought by the yard and worn by the foot?
* Carpeting *

What kind of jacket has the most sleeves?
* A coat of arms *

Why is marriage like a violin?
* After the music stops, the strings are still attached *

When should you eat fireflies?
* When you want a light snack *

When is a river like the letter 'T'?
* When it must be crossed *

Why is the letter B hot?
* Because it makes oil boil *

What school do you have to drop out of in order to graduate?
* Parachute school *

When is a green book not a green book?
* When it's read *

How does a baby beetle get around?
* In a buggy *

I have two banks but no money. What am I?
* A river *

What has teeth but doesn't bite?
* A comb *

Where do pilots keep their money?
* In air pockets *

What cheese is made backwards?
* Edam *

Where was Solomon's temple?
* On his head *

When can you take away the whole and still have some left?
* The word 'wholesome' *

I'm full of ink but can't write a word. What am I?
* A newspaper *

What can you give away and still keep?
* A cold *

What goes from side to side, and up and down, but never moves?
* A road *

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
* The letter 'D' *

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
* It's Christmas, Eve! *

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
* A Merry Christmas to Ewe! *

What do you get when you cross a pirate with Santa Claus?
* Yo ho ho ho! *

What do the letters DNA stand for?
* National Dyslexics Association *

What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right hand?
* Your right elbow *

What kind of teeth can you buy for a dollar?
* Buck teeth *

What kind of train has no wheels?
* A train of thought *

What happens when the sun gets tired?
* It sets awhile *

What can you hold without touching it?
* A conversation *

What comes from a tree and fights cavities?
* A toothpick *

What is pointed in one direction and headed in another?
* A pin *

When does a driver never break the speed limit?
* When it's a screwdriver *

How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
* A buccaneer *

What do you call a jacket that goes up in flames?
* A blazer *

I talk and sing but I have no voice. What am I?
* A radio *

I have eight ribs but no body. What am I?
* An umbrella *

I have a trunk but use no gas. What am I?
* An elephant *

I have ears but can't hear. What am I?
* A cornstalk *

What works only after it's been fired?
* A rocket *

I have a deck but can't play cards. What am I?
* A ship *

I'm full of keys but can't unlock a door. What am I?
* A piano *

What cat lives in the ocean?
* An octopus *

What kind of ball should you never play football with?
* An eyeball *

What stays hot in the refrigerator?
* Mustard *

What do foot doctors eat for breakfast?
* Corn flakes *

The more you have of it, the less you see it. What is it?
* Darkness *

What's the difference between a watchmaker and a jailer?
* One sells watches and the other watches cells *

What coat is put on only when it is wet?
* A coat of paint *

What did the disgruntled bricklayer do?
* He threw in the trowel *

What is heavier in warm weather than in winter?
* Traffic to the beach *

When a lady faints, what number will restore her?
* You must bring her 2 *

What's a good remedy for squeaky infants?
* Baby oil *

What has no beginning or end and nothing in the middle?
* A doughnut *

How do you make a pig fly?
* Add e-o-n to its name and it turns into a pigeon *

What is always behind time?
* The back of a clock *

Who is the thirstiest person in the world?
* The one who drinks Canada Dry *

Which tree does everybody carry in their hand?
* The palm *

What's a sign that your roof needs repair?
* Eavesdropping *

What comes in handy when you have a flat tire?
* Despair *

What goes on inside a compass?
* Needlepoint *

What overpowers you, without hurting you?
* Sleep *

What is always coming but never arrives?
* Tomorrow *

How much is a skunk worth?
* One scent *

What dress does everyone have but no one wears?
* An address *

What kind of key opens a casket?
* A skeleton key *

When is longhand quicker than shorthand?
* On a clock *

What grows down when it grows up?
* A duckling *

How do you make a riddle stop?
* Take away its 'r' and 'd' (idle) *

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a nun?
* A nasty habit *

Why should a clock never be put upstairs?
* It might run down and strike one *

What can be measured but has no length, width or thickness?
* The temperature *

What kind of tea helps you feel brave?
* Safety *

When is it good to lose your temper?
* When you have a bad one *

Why is a poor friend better than a rich one?
* Because a friend in need is a friend indeed *

What can be caught and heard but never seen?
* A remark *

How does a witch tell time?
* With a witch watch *

When is a sheep like a dog?
* When it has fleece *

How do you keep from dying?
* Stay in the living room *

What is brought to the table and cut, but never eaten?
* A deck of cards *

Who were the first gamblers?
* Adam and Eve - they had a paradise *

What kind of animal needs oiling?
* A mouse - it squeaks *

What is small, red, and whispers?
* A hoarse radish *

Why can't a very thin person stand up straight?
* Because he is lean *

Who is bigger, Mrs. Bigger or her baby?
* Her baby is a little Bigger *

What dog does not bark no matter what you do to him?
* A hot dog *

Almost everyone needs it, asks for it, gives it, but almost nobody takes it. What is it?
* Advice *

Why is Tiger Woods like a computer?
* They both have a hard drive *

What is easy to get into but hard to get out of?
* Trouble *

What can't you have for breakfast?
* Lunch and dinner *

What do you call someone whose name was once Lee?
* Formerly *

What's the most popular game in the toy store?
* Price tag *

What classification do Harry Potter books have?
* They're Hex Rated *

Why is a horse the most unusual eater of all animals?
* Because he eats best when there isn't a bit in his mouth *

What's the only weather you can eat?
* Chili *

What can fill a whole house and still weigh less than a tiny mouse?
* Smoke *

How do you open doors in a Royal Palace?
* With a monarchy *

How do you measure a fisherman's wealth?
* By his net worth *

What do the winners of a race lose?
* Their breath *

What's the heaviest soup?
* Wonton *

What's the easiest way to get a cat?
* Order one from a cat-alog *

What's the difference between an oak tree and a tight shoe?
* One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache *

What never stops without the letter 'S'?
* A top *

What has cities with no houses, rivers without water, and forests without trees?
* A map *

What kind of mint is deadly if thrown?
* Spearmint *

What kind of nets are in an orchestra?
* Clarinets *

What kind of shoes do you make out of bananas?
* Slippers *

There are two coins on the table totaling 35 cents.
One of them is not a quarter. What are the coins?
* One of them is not a quarter, but the other is. The 2 coins: a dime & a quarter *

What kind of food is sick all the time?
* Wheat germ *

Which side of a house gets the most rain?
* The outside *

Which bird is always out of breath?
* A puffin *

What's the easiest way to find a pin in your carpet?
* Walk around in your bare feet *

What flies when it's on and floats when it's off?
* A feather *

What kind of saw do you use to cut driftwood?
* A seasaw *

How does bread get up in the morning?
* It rises *

When is a cow not a cow?
* When she is turned into a pasture *

What pain do we make light of?
* A windowpane *

What food is dear at any price?
* Venison *

What do you use to groom a rabbit?
* A hare brush *

What vegetable can tie your stomach in knots?
* String beans *

How do you make an octopus laugh?
* With ten tickles *

What kind of undergarment do female math teachers wear?
* Algebras *

What type of tree is made up of numbers and letters?
* Geometry *

What can you swallow that can also swallow you?
* Water *

Which is the left side of a cake?
* The side that's not eaten *

Who's to blame for an earthquake?
* It's the earth's fault *

Why is grass dangerous?
* It's full of blades *

What disease makes everyone sick but the one who has it?
* Pride *

What colour is the wind?
* Blew *

How do you make carpet installers more productive?
* Give them a tacks break *

What do you throw out when you need them, but take in when you don't?
* Boat anchors *

When is mail delivered wet?
* When there is postage dew *

What has one foot on each side and one in the middle?
* A yardstick *

How do you make gold stew?
* Add 14 carrots *

Why is your hand like a hardware store?
* Because it carries nails *

Why shouldn't you have a short walking stick?
* Because it can never be-long to you *

What is a forum?
* Two-um plus two-um *

What fruit never goes anywhere alone?
* Pears *

What kind of pliers do you use in arithmetic?
* Multipliers *

Where do smart dogs refuse to shop?
* At flea markets *

Why should you go to an ironworks to find something you've lost?
* Because it's a foundry *

What three letters do people hate to write?
* I, O and U *

One morning a boy couldn't find his trousers. What did he do?
* He raced around the room until he was breathing in short pants *

Why is an island like the letter 'T'?
* Because it's in the middle of water *

Why can one never starve in a desert?
* Because of the sand which is there *

What's left after a doctor removes part of a patient's colon?
* A semicolon *

What children live in the sea?
* Life buoys *

What vitamin is good for your eyesight?
* Vitamin See *

What can a whole lemon do that half a lemon can't?
* Look round *

What do you call a parrot when it flies away?
* A polygon *

When is a rope like a student?
* When it's taut *

What kind of drum can be broken but never played?
* An eardrum *

When is down up?
* When a duck is in flight *

What kind of tile would you never want to find in your bathroom?
* A reptile *

What room has no sides, no walls, no doors, and no ceilings?
* A mushroom *

What type of bat likes to fight?
* A combat *

What are the easiest animals to weigh?
* Fish - because they have scales *

How do amoebas talk to each other?
* By cell phone *

Why is the longest human nose on record only eleven inches long?
* Because if it was twelve inches it would be a foot *

Where do one-armed men shop?
* At a secondhand store *

When can't astronauts land on the moon?
* When it's a Full Moon *

Why is a game of baseball like a pancake?
* They both need batters *

Which is the saddest tree?
* The weeping willow *

How do you get a square root?
* Put a tree in a square pot *

What do surgeons charge their patients?
* Cut rates *

What happens to an old suit when you throw it in a river?
* It becomes a wet suit *

Why are false teeth like stars?
* Because they come out at night *

How can a caterpillar get out of a jar when the lid is on?
* Let it run around until it wears itself out *

If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?
* An airplane *

How can you have bread if you are on a liquid diet?
* Drink a toast *

What goes up and down but stays still?
* A staircase *

What kind of bug does a knight like to fight?
* A dragonfly *

Can a leopard change its spots?
* Yes - when it's tired of one spot it moves to another *

What's the longest table in the world?
* The multiplication table *

Who earns a living by driving customers away?
* A taxi driver *

Which two letters of the alphabet contain nothing?
* M T *

Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base
than it takes to run from first base to second base?
* Because there's a shortstop between second and third *

How do you make a handkerchief dance?
* Put a little boogie in it *

What follows a cat wherever it goes?
* Its tail *

What's the difference between an old ten dollar bill and a new one?
* Nine dollars *

What animal eats the least?
* The moth - it just eats holes *

What country has the best appetite?
* Hungary *

Take away my first letter; take away my second letter; take away all my letters, and I remain the same.
What am I?
* A postman *

I have a cone but no ice cream. What am I?
* A volcano *

What is the most difficult key to turn?
* A donkey *

What happens when you fall in love with an artist?
* You get the brush *

What letter can you sail on?
* C *

I have a ring but am not married. What am I?
* A telephone *