Nurse Joe-ks
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Largest Source of Internet Humour!

Humour is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

I've just had an operation for piles. All my troubles are behind me.
So you think Healthcare is expensive now? Just wait till it's FREE!
Nurse: A woman whose business is to make sickness a pleasure.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
What happened to the student who swallowed a dictionary?
What kind of bandage do people wear after heart surgery?
Nobody is sicker than the man who is sick on his day off.
What famous nurse rarely got dressed in the morning?
Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Practical Nurse: One who marries her rich patient.
Silicone Treatment: The bust that money can buy.
Why did the track star go to the school nurse?
Nurses: Patient people.
Nose: The scenter of your face.
Vaccination: An ouch of prevention.
Why were the bedcovers depressed?

(click on the thumbnail images below to expand to full size)
Rembrandt’s Anatomy Lessons


Lady’s Yearly Exam


Prayer Request for Bob


Dr. OMG


Breast Cancer Cure


How Twins Are Made


Tomato IV


Nose Thrills


H1N1 Flu Mask


Sick Tombstone


The Good Old Days


Casualty Way


Organ Donor


Sock Anatomy


Bandage Art


Flu Fashion


Mother's Day Special


Heart Attack Grill Girls


Polish Paramedics


Alzheimer's Wing


Hearts Heart


Broken Egg


Southern Emergency


Mechanical Patient


Fractured Foot or Hand?


Break A Leg


Table Scraps in the Operating Room


Cruise Nurse


Car Surgeon


How To Pop A Zit


4 Stages Of Life

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?
It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!

Interns think of God...
Residents pray to God...
Doctors talk to God...
Nurses ARE God.

Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."

Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"


Q: What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A: A nun only serves one God.

Q: What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?
A: If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining.

Q: Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
A: Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.


Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None, they just have a nursing assistant do it.
A2: As much as the doctor orders.

Q: How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.

Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
 

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.

"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."

 

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously - constantly going back to the nurse's file.
After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven - for five days!"

 

Gerald, 95, was in the hospital. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronizing tone, "And how are we doing this morning?"

Gerald’s revenge? After he had received breakfast, he pulled the juice off the tray and put it on his stand...
He had been given a urine bottle to fill...
The juice was apple juice...
You know where the juice went...

The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today."

Gerald snatched the bottle out of her hand, drank its contents, and said, "Well, I'll run it through again - maybe I can filter it better this time."

 

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the patient is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed, the next patient also appeared half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is truly deceased - not an ounce of life.
"Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH, MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

 

1. It pays better than fast food, though the hours aren’t as good.
2. Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
3. Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
4. Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops - eventually.
5. Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
6. Interesting aromas.
7. Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
8. Celebrate the holidays with all your friends - at work.
9. Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
10. Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.

 

Nurses do it painless.
Nurses do it with TLC.
Nurses do it with care.
Nurses do it with intensive care.

 

When using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows;
Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up;
Everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
You want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
You can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
You can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
You use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.

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