Inspirational Quotes from joe-ks.com
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A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real reason.
J P Morgan
 
Ambition is like hunger; it obeys no law but its appetite.
H.W. Shaw
 
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing, he knew nobody had said it before.
Mark Twain
 
You haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running.
Unknown
 
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Steven Wright
 
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
Steven Wright
 
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Steven Wright
 
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Steven Wright
 
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
 
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
 
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
 
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
Steven Wright
 
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
 
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Steven Wright
 
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Steven Wright
 
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Steven Wright
 
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Steven Wright
 
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Steven Wright
 
Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
Steven Wright
 
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Steven Wright
 
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
 
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Steven Wright
 
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
 
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
 
Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press?
Steven Wright
 
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
 
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
 
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Steven Wright
 
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright
 
Half the people you know are below average.
Steven Wright
 
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Steven Wright
 
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Steven Wright
 
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
Steven Wright
 
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
 
I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
Steven Wright
 
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
 
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
Steven Wright
 
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
 
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
 
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
 
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
 
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
Steven Wright
 
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
 
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
Steven Wright
 
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<<>>><<<>>>. I go down to the pet store - "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
Steven Wright
 
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
 
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
Steven Wright
 
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
 
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
 
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
Steven Wright
 
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20-Nov-2017

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