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Daffynition: Definition for a Humourist, eh!
 If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
 If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
 How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Laugh: A smile that burst
Pompeii: Canadian pomp
How did Webster invent the dictionary?
See also  Defunitions  and  Redneck Dictionary

  URL Shortcut:   www.WackyDictionary.com

~  Main Index  ~

Use this alphabet it you want to browse through the entries by letter
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19th Hole: The only hole on which golfers do not complain about the number of shots they took.

32 Bit Resolution:  Motion to spend four dollars.

404: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found”, meaning the requested document couldn't be located:  “Don't bother asking him, he's 404.”

A Cappella: Just two, please.

A Manor Of Speaking: A man's home is his castle.

AAA-AA: A club for people who are being driven to drink.

AALST: One who changes his name to be nearer the front.

Aardvark: 1. Aan aanimal thaat resembles the aanteater; 2. In the beginning was the word. And the word was 'Aardvark'.

Abalemma: The agonizing situation in which there is only one possible decision but you still can't take it.

Abasement: A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth of power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer.

Abatis: Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.

Abbreviation: An inordinately long word in light of its meaning.

Abdicate: 1. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach; 2. Strenuous labour.

Ability: 1. A poor man’s worth; 2. What will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter; 3. What you have to get by on if you don't kiss-up to the boss; 4. The art of getting credit for all the home runs that somebody else hits.

Abligo: One who prides himself on not even knowing what day of the week it is.

Aboriginies: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

Abracadabbler: An amateur magician.

Abscond: To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

Absecon: An annual conference held at the Cobalt Hotel, Vancouver, for people who haven't got any other conferences to go to.

Absent: The notation generally following your name in a class record.

Absent-Mindedness: Searching for the horse you are riding.

Absentee: A missing golfing peg.

Absolute Pitch: Completely dark.

Absolute Zero: The lowest grade you can get on a test.

Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

Abstract Art: 1. The proof that things are not as bad as they are painted to be; 2. A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.

Absurdity: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

Abundance: 1. Big party held in a bakery; 2. A social event held in a farm building.

Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

Academy: A modern school where football is taught.

 

Academy Awards: A place where everyone lets off esteem.

Accelerando: Hurry up, the conductor skipped a page.

Access Time: Usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense.

Accident: 1. A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better; 2. A head-on collision between two stationary cars parked on their own sides of the road.

Accidents: 1. An ironically twisted word: while people cause most accidents, accidents also cause most people; 2. Emergency teeth to temporarily replace those knocked out by mistake.

Accomplice: One who lacks brains as well as honesty.

Accord: A thick string.

Accordion: 1. An instrument invented by the man who couldn’t decide how big the one was that got away; 2. A stomach Steinway; 3. An instrument whose music is long drawn out; 4. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

Accordion Music: Noise that comes from playing both ends against the middle.

Accordionated: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Account: The husband of a countess.

Accountability: The mother of caution.

Accountant: 1. A noble insect; 2. A dutiful book balancer whose role within a corporation is to protect it from creative ideas.

Accrue: People who work on a ship.

Accumulator: The part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer (i.e. the price tag).

Ache: Joint concern.

Achievement: The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

Acid: Better living through chemistry.

Acme: Spots on the top of your head.

 

Acorn: 1. An oak in a nutshell; 2. Something painful on Dad's toe.

Acoustic: An instrument used in shooting pool.

Acquaintance: 1. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous; 2. A person we know who falls short of being a friend, either because he isn’t well-to-do enough, or because he won’t let us borrow from him; 3. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Acquarium: House of gill repute.

Acrimony: The holy state of being married.

 

Acrobat: 1. The person who turns a flop into a success; 2. A flying creature that shows off a lot.

Acting: 1. An art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing; 2. Acting is all about honesty - if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Actor: 1. A guy who, if you ain’t talking about him, he ain’t listening; 2. A man who tries to be everything but himself; 3. A man with an infinite capacity for taking praise; 4. A person who makes $500,000 a year some weeks; 5. A man who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings filled with dust, other actors, stagehands, old clothes and other claptrap, and say, “What a lovely view there is from this window.”; 6. Someone who would rather have a small role than a long loaf; 7. A ham that can't be cured.

Actor’s Agent: A guy who sometimes bites the ham who feeds him.

Acupuncture: 1. A jab well done; 2. Waiting for a cure on pins and needles.

Acute Alcoholic: An attractive drunk.

ADA: Something you need only know the name of to be an expert in computing.

Adage: To become older.

Adam: The first white slave.

Adam's Rib: The original bone of contention.

Ad Hoc: Pawn shop advertisement.

Ad Libber: A man who stays up all night to memorize spontaneous joe-ks.

Adagio Molto: Thick shake.

Adam's Rib: The original bone of contention.

Adamant: The very first insect.

Adder: A species of snakes named from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

Addis Ababa: The torrent of incomprehensible gibberish which emanates from the loudspeakers on top of cars covered in stickers.

Adherent: A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

Adminispam: Useless e-mail sent from upper echelon bureaucrats that's not applicable to your area, about people you'll never work with or issues you'll never face.

 

Adminisphere: 1. The upper levels of management where big, impractical and counter-productive decisions are made; 2. Rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file; 3. Provider of decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Admiral: 1. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking; 2. A general at sea.

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.

Admissions Office: Where you're taken to admit that you've mooned the keynote speaker during 'new student weekend.'

Admonition: 1. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe; 2. Friendly warning.

Adolescence: 1. An independent state, highly taxing yet often insolvent, located just beyond comprehension; 2. A period in which girls try to make little boys stop asking questions, and big boys begin; 3. A period in which children begin to question the answers; 4. That period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he’ll be as dubm as his father; 5. That period when children feel their parents should be told the facts of life; 6. The period in which the young suddenly begin to feel a great responsibility about answering the phone; 7. The period when a girl begins to powder and a boy begins to puff; 8. When a boy has reached the state when he knows why a strapless gown must be held up, but doesn’t understand how; 9. When boys begin to notice that girls notice boys who notice girls; 10. When children start bringing up their parents; 11. The age when a girl’s voice changes from no to yes; 12. The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible; 13. The period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents; 14. A period of rapid changes: between the ages of 12 ands 17, a parent ages 20 years; 15. The age between hopscotch and real scotch; 16. The age between puberty and adultery; 17. The time when a boy stops collecting stamps and starts playing post office; 18. The period in which the young suddenly feel a great responsibility about answering the telephone; 19. A youngster who is old enough to dress himself if he could just remember where he dropped his clothes; 20. The age when children try to bring up their parents.

Adolescent: 1. A teenager who acts like a baby when you don’t treat him like an adult; 2. One who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

Adoption: Growing in Mommy's heart, not in her tummy.

Adorable: What you ring when you go visiting.

Adore: 1. To venerate expectantly; 2. The entrance to a house.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Adult Education: A strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to profit from them.

Adult Film: A film viewed by people over 30 with a cast of 25-year-olds doing what 18-year-olds do, with a plot for a 6-year-old.

Adultery: 1. Cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe; 2. Putting yourself in someone else's position; 3. Democracy applied to love.

Adult: One who has stopped growing on the top and bottom but not in the middle.

Adult Education: What goes on in a household containing teenage children.

Advergaming: Marketing strategy of using video games in which products, brands & logos are placed in the game context to build familiarity.

Adverse: 1. Promotional jingle; 2. A poem that gets longer the more you read it.

Adversity: 1. The only diet that will reduce a fat head; 2. The state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free from admirers then.

Advertisement: 1. The most truthful part of a newspaper; 2. What gets people on the brandwagon.

Advertising: 1. That which makes you think you’ve longed all your life for something you never even heard of; 2. 15 percent commission and 85 percent confusion; 3. The fine art of making you think you have longed all your life for something you never heard of before; 4. What you do when you can't see somebody; 5. The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

Advertising Agency: Eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission.

 

Advertising Executive: Yessir, nosir, ulcer.

Advice: 1. Something which we give by the bushel but take by the grain; 2. That which the wise don’t need and fools won’t take; 3. The one thing which it is “more blessed to give than receive;” 4. The worst vice; 5. You never know whether it’s good or not until you no longer need it; 6. Pick up a new bad habit; 7. Two or more pieces of contrary angling information contained in a single phrase or sentence; 8. Any counsel or suggestion made by one golfer to another about the choice of club, method of play or making of a shot, which contains no more than five errors of fact, contradictory statements or harmful recommendations. Six or more such pieces of misinformation or misinstruction constitute a formal golf lesson' 9. Advice is like castor oil - easy to give, but dreadful to take.

Aerobics; A bouncy form of music-induced exercise, often led on video by sinewy women with stalled movie careers. Said to improve cardiopulmonary fitness of those who survive.

Aesophagus: The author of Aesop's Fables.

Affianced: Fitted with an ankle ring for ball-and-chain.

Afford: Popular type of car.

A-Flat Minor: The result of a piano falling down a mine shaft.

Afterbirth: When the hard part begins.

After-Dinner Speaker: 1. A fellow who rises to the occasion – and then stands too long; 2. A man who knows exactly what not to say, but not when to quit saying it; 3. A person who only has a few words to say, but seldom stops when he has said them; 4. The guy who starts the bull rolling.

After-Dinner Speech: 1. Though boring, gives us the low-down on a lot of people we used to consider bright; 2. The highest possible longitude and the lowest possible platitude.

Aftermath: 1. The period following algebra; 2. The horrible headache you have when you've finished the algebra test.

Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning.

 

Afternoon Snack: The pause that refleshes.

Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.

Age: 1. That which makes wine worth more and women less; 2. The time when everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

Agent: Someone who believes an actor takes 85 percent of his money.

Aging: A supposed ripening into wisdom that most Westerners attempt to delay as long as possible.

Agitato: A state of mind when ones finger slips in the middle of playing a piece.

Agreeable Person: One who agrees with me.

Agent: Someone who believs an actor takes 85 percent of his money.

Agony of Defeat: What marathon runners with bad footwear suffer from.

Agriculturist: One who makes his money in town and blows it in the country.

Agrophobia: The fear of being beaten up in an open space.

Aground: When a boat makes the discovery that all water has land under it.

Ah: (Southern) The thing you see with, denoting individuality. Usage: “Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah.”

Ahead: The thing on top of your neck.

Aibohphobia: The fear of palindromes.

Air: A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

Air Conditioning: An invention for sucking the warmth out of the sensuous summer air, so that we might shiver in July and work through the season without dreaming of hammocks or lemonade.

Air Traffic Control: A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.
 

Air Travel: Seeing less and less of more and more.

Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Airplane: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets.
Airplanes: One of those things that’s of no earthly use.

Airflow: Condition of a car created by putting the wife in the back seat.

Alabaster: A very nasty thing to say about Al.

Alarm Clock: 1. That which scares the daylight out of you; 2. A device that allows you to rise in the world; 3. Something that makes people rise and whine; 4. A device for awakening childless households; 5. A frightened timepiece.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Alas: Early Victorian for, “Oh, Hell.”

Alaska: 1. I will propose; 2. Miles and miles of miles and miles.

Album: A family rogues' gallery.

Alcatraz: A pen with a lifetime guarantee.

Alcazar: What the Spaniards took for an upset stomach.

Alcohol: 1. A liquid good for preserving everything except secrets; 2. Something which often puts the wreck in recreation; 3. The only known substance that will make a woman beautiful when taken internally – by her escort.

Alcoholic: A person you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

Alcoy: Wanting to be bullied into having another drink.

Aldclune: One who collects ten-year-old telephone directories.

Alderman: An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.

Alfred Nobel: A man who endowed the world with dynamite and prizes to discourage its use.

Algebra: Undergarment worn by female math teachers.

Algorithm: The Vice President of the Unites States of America attempting to sing doo-wop.

Alibi: Slip cover.

Alien: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

Alimentary Canal: The passage through the human body from which President Reagan's 'trickle down' theory of economics was based.

Alimony: 1. A man’s cash surrender value; 2. Another war debt a lot of husbands would like to see cancelled; 3. A one-man war debt; 4. A splitting headache; 5. Bounty on the mutiny; 6. Giving comfort to the enemy; 7 man’s best proof that you have to pay for your mistakes; 8. One more form of the guaranteed annual wage; 9. The high cost of leaving; 10. The high cost of loving; 11. The high cost of leaving; 12. The method some women use for taking the drudgery out of housework; 13. The stuff that makes separations look like reparations; 14. When a bride continues to get wedding gifts after the divorce; 15. The fee a woman charges for name-dropping; 16. That which enables a woman who at one time lived happily married to live happily unmarried; 17. The sum of money a man is commanded to pay his ex-wife in exchange for the pleasure of having her live under a separate roof; 18. Something which enables a woman to profit by her mistakes; 19. A mistake by two people paid for by one; 20. The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

All: (Southern) 1. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

Allege: A high rock shelf.

Allegro: One leg becoming longer than the other.

Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that hey cannot separately plunder a third.

All-Nighter: Not getting up to pee.

Alone: In bad company.

Alp: 1. One of a number of ski mountains in Europe; 2. A shouted request for assistance by an out-of-bounds European skier on a U.S. mountain (appropriate reply: “What Zermatter?”)

 Alpha: The first letter in the Greek alphabet. In ancient Greece, Alpha was used to refer to things that didn't meet specifications (i.e. a Parthenon that fell on someone's head). The first 'test version' of computer software is referred to as an Alpha release. It should never be loaded into your computer's memory. However, you can have endless hours of fun loading it into the computer of the guy who sits next to you.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

Alphabet: A toy for children found in books, blocks, pictures, and some soup.
Alpha-Bet: The first step in a career of gambling.

Altar: 2. To change through marriage; 2. Place where a man loses control of himself.

Altar-Boy: A type of bicycle accident.

Altos: Not to be confused with “Tom's toes”, “Bubba's toes”, or “Dori-toes”.

Amateur Athlete: An athlete who is paid only in cash - not by cheque.

Amateur Photographer: 1. A boy’s future; a man’s past; 2. An itching sensation caused by inflammation of the wishbone; 3. The last refuge of the failure; 4. What it takes to get where you’ll wish you hadn’t bothered.

Ambiguity: The lack of clarity in speech. Or perhaps, something else.

 

Ambition: 1. Goaled rush; 2. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead; 3. A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

 

Ambivalence: Two decides to every question.

Ambleside: The talk given about the Facts Of Life by a father to his son whilst walking in the garden on a Sunday afternoon.

 Ambulance: 1. A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair; 2. A vehicle used to show lawyers where the accident is.

Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
America: 1. A land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, and won't cross the street to vote in a national election; 2. A nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but can think of nothing to do when it gets there; 3. Where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks; 4. A country that has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.

American: 1. One who gets mad when a foreigner curses the institutions he curses; 2. A happy container of tinned food; 3. A man who is free to choose his own form of government - blonde, brunette, or redhead.

American Language: English run over by a musical comedy.

Americans: People with more time-saving devices and less time than any other people in the world.

American History: The replacement of the red Indian by red tape.

American Idealism: Being willing to make any sacrifice that won’t hurt business.

American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour.

Ammo Truck: A U.S.P.S. delivery vehicle.

 Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.

Amnesty: The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

Amniocentesis: Seedling needling.

Ampersand: Sand you won't find at a beach.

Amusement Park: A walled city populated mainly by teenagers, who willingly pay to have their bodies and brains agitated on a variety of fiendish contraptions designed to induce vomiting.

Anal: If the shoe fits, wear it!

Anal Probe: Something you shouldn't share.

Analysis: An excuse to take something to pieces to see how it works.

Anarachnophobia: The fear of spiders wearing waterproof coats.

Apple Computer: The fruit of rapid growth in a high-tech industry.

Arahnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Anatomical: Joe-ks about the body.

Anatomy: 1. Something that everyone has, but it looks better on a girl; 2. The belly of a very small insect; 3. The study of heavenly bodies; 4. A class that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it really involves.

Ancestor Worship: The conviction that your family is better dead than alive.

Ancestral Pride: Going forward by backing up.

Anesthetic: The painkiller that crazy women refuse during labour.

Anger: Momentary madness.

Angler: A man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won't let him do it at home.

Animal Rights: A loopy, well-intentioned activist movement that, in its extreme form, harbors more compassion for a captive circus elephant than for the hapless trainer on whose face it sits.

Animals: Creatures that do not grab for more when they have enough.

Announce: Thirty grams or a sixteenth of a pound.

Annualism: Books written by authors who show off their powers of endurance by doing something odd for a year.

Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics.

Antarctic: Snowman's land.

Ante Merediem: That's why he's my Uncle.

Anteater: A picnicker.

Antelope: 1. Why Grandpa won't forgive Uncle; 2. Event involving two bugs who fall in love and run away together.

Anthologist: A lazy fellow who like to spend a quiet evening at home “raiding a good book.”

Antibody: 1. Against everyone; 2. Your Uncle's wife.

Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup.

Anticlimax: Why my uncle was good at.

Antidote: 1. The reason Mom's sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you; 2. Medicine that kills dotes.

Antifreeze: What happens to your mother's sister when you steal her blanket.

Antimony: A necessity in any poker game being played for money.

Antipathy: The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.

Antique: 1. An object that has made a round trip to the attic; 2. Something no one would be seen with if there were more of them; 3. Something too old to be anything but too expensive.

Antique Collector's Song: “You take the highboy and I'll take the lowboy.”

Antique Furniture: What you get from living with children.

Antique Shop: A junk store that has raised its prices.
Antiques: 1: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people; 2. The old virtues.

Antisocial: Mother's sister being friendly.

Antitalksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

Anxiety: The dizziness of freedom.

Apartment: 1. A place where the landlord and the tenant are both trying to raise the rent; 2. A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you've been listening to your neighbour's.

 

Apathy: Vigor mortis.

Apex: A gorilla's old girlfriend.

Aphorism: Predigested wisdom.

 Apocalipstick: What your wife found on your shirt collar just before she kicked you out of the house.

Apocryphal: A statement or story which is widely circulated, believed to be true, but probably isn't. This includes the collective works of Dick Cheney & Michael Moore. See also most of the information the government tells you.

Apologist: An expert in moon missions.

Apologize: 1. To lay the foundation for a future offense; 2. To repeat an insult with variations.

Apology: 1. Egotism wrong side out; 2. Laying the foundation for a future offence; 3. Politeness too late; 4. The attempt to escape punishment for a mistake.

Apparently: As either mother or father would do it.

Appeal: 1. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw; 2. When you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.

Appearance: A glimpse of what is hidden.

Appeasement: The policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile, one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.

Appeaser: One who feeds a crocodile – hoping it will eat him last.

Appendicitis: A modern pain, costing about $2,000 more than the old-fashioned stomach ache.

Appendix Girl: The kind that gets taken out.

Applause: 1. The echo of a platitude; 2. Two hands slapping each other's faces.

Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

Appoggiatura: Sorry, wrong number.

April 1: The day we are reminded of what we are the other 364.

April Fool: The March fool with another month added to his folly.

Apron: A large primate moving very fast on his feet.

Aquanaut: An astronaut with a leaky capsule.

Arab: A man who will pull down a whole temple to have a stone to sit on.

Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Arachnohomophobia: Fear of gay spiders.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work for McDonald's.

Arch Criminal: One who robs shoe stores.

Archaeologist: 1. A science that proves you can’t keep a good man down; 2. The science of digging around to find another civilization to blame ours on; 3. A man whose career lies in ruins.; 4. A person who loves to live in the past.

Archaeology: A science that proves you can’t keep a good man down.

Archbishop: An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.

Archeologist: 1. An expert who knows all about curves; 2. A person whose career lies in ruins.

Archery: A collection of arches.

Architect: 1. Noah's profession; 2. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

Architects: People who now have to measure their patrons for the breakfast nook.

Ardcrony: A remote acquaintance passed off as 'a very good friend of mine' by someone trying to impress people.

Ardelve: To make a big display of searching all your pockets when approached by a charity collector.

Are: (Southern) Possessive case of “we” used as a predicate adjective (?)  Usage: See “Rats”

Arguing With A Woman: There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Argument: 1. A discussion where two people try to get the last word in first; 2. Something that gets better when you don't have facts; 3. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet; 4. An exchange of ignorance (see also Discussion - an exchange of knowledge).

Arithmetic: Being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

Armadillo: Possum on the half shell.

Armor: 1. A knight gown; 2. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

Armor Plates: Dishes that knights ate from.


Army Captain: A uniform with two chips on each shoulder.

Aromatic:  A rapid-firing crossbow.

Arpeggio: The story book kid with the big nose that grows.

Arrears: What we should wash behind.

Arrest: 1. What you take when you are tired; 2. What you need after running a marathon.

Arrested Development: Prerequisite for success as a radio DJ or a social satirist.

Arrow Margin: Milestone for an Archery contest winner.

Arse Antlers: A tattoo just above the buttocks, having a central section and curving extensions on each side.

Arson: 1. Fire caused by friction between the insurance policy and the mortgage; 2. Our daughter’s brother; 3. A sure-fire proposition.

Arsonist: A person who sets the world on fire, at least in a small way.

Art: 1. A house that tries to be haunted; 2. Like morality, art consists in drawing the line somewhere.

Art Gallery: Hall of frame.

Artery: Study of paintings.

Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.

Artichoke: 1. Strip tease with mayonnaise; 2. The only vegetable you have more of when you finish eating it, than you had when you started.

Artificial Insemination: Copulation without representation.

Artificial Intelligence: The goal of building a computer to think and learn like a human being. Problem is, human beings are really stupid.

Artisan Food: Food which is made by traditional, often labour-intensive methods and usually in small batches (rather than by large-scale factory processing).

Artist: What a television director thinks he is.

Artistic Temperament: Seldom recognized until it’s too old to spank.

Art School: A place for young girls to pass the time between high school and marriage.

Artifical Insemination: 1. Impregnation without representation; 2. Procreation without recreation.

Artist’s Model: A girl unsuited for her work.

Artistry: A coterie of artists.

Ascribe: Newspaper reporter.

Ash Tray: Something for a cigarette but when there is no floor.

Ashdod: Any object against which a smoker habitually knocks out his pipe.

Aspersion: An Iranian donkey.

Asphalt: Rectum trouble.

Asphyxiation: What a surgeon does about an asphalt.

Aspire: Where dead donkeys are cremated.

Aspiring: A group of trainee secret service agents.

Assai: Just assai told you.

Assassinate: A hired killer finished lunch.

Assembly Language: Put tab A into slot B, then put tab C into...

Assembly Line: The notion that if a job is worth doing, it's worth repeating 9,876 times a day.

Assistant: A fellow that can’t get off.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Associate Producer: About the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

Assumed Decimal Point: Located two positions to the right of a programmer's current salary in estimating his own worth.

Ast: (Southern) To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. Usage: “Don't ast me so many question. It makes me mad.”

Asteroid: Mathematical name for a toilet seat.

Asthma: What you do if Dad says no.

Astronaut: A whirled traveller – the only man who is glad to be down and out.

Astronomer: Night watchman.

Astrovertisement: An advertisement fashioned on the earth's surface, of such a size that it can be picked up by satellite imaging.

Asylum: A refuge where unusual people are protected from the world.

Asymmetry: Where you bury dead people.

Atheism: 1. The religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority; 2. A non-prophet organization.

Atheist: 1. A man who doesn’t care who wins the Super Bowl; 2. A man who has no invisible means of support; 3. A man who looks through a telescope and tries to explain all that he can’t see; 4. A man who believes himself an accident; 5. One who prays when he can think of no other way out of his trouble.

Athlete: A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift ashes.

Atlas: Finally.

Atoll: What you pay before you cross a bridge.

Atom: Male cat .

Atomic Ache: What you get when you eat Uranium.

Atomic Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

 

Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise.

Attair: (Southern) Contraction used to indicate the specific item desire. Usage: “Pass me attair gravy, please.”

Attentional Blink: A brief period of inattention following the locating of a target item in a stream of visual stimuli.

Attraction: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

Au Pis Aller: I have to go to the bathroom.

Au Revoir: French leave.

Auction: A place where, if you aren’t careful, you’ll get something for nodding.

Auctioneer: 1. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue; 2. One who can equally and impartially admire all schools of Art.

Audience: A collection of people willing to pay to be bored.

Auditor: A person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded.

August: The month you can’t open the bus window which you couldn’t close in December.

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Australia: A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

Australian Kiss: Same as French Kiss, only down under.

Author: 1. A fool who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on boring future generations; 2. A person who is usually write; 3. A writer with connections in the publishing industry; 4. A person who can read and do imitations; 5. A man who lives on the royalties he expects; 6. A man you can shut up by closing a book.

Authorwritis: Writer's cramp.

Auto Erotic: Lusting after a Corvette.

Auto Driver: A person who speeds up to get in front of you so he can slow down.

Autobiography: 1. A book that proves that the only thing wrong with its author is his memory; 2. An I-witness account; 3. A history of cars; 4. Fiction written by someone who knows the facts; 5. An unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people; 6. An obituary in serial form with the last installment missing.

AUTOEXEC.BAT: What you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula.

Automate: Robot's best friend.

Automated: A couple making love in a car.

Automation: 1. The science of doing it with machines at the plant so that men can have more time to do it themselves at home; 2. Man’s effort to make work so easy that women can do it all.

Automobile: 1. A guided missile; 2. A payment plan on wheels; 3. A vehicle which is rapidly dividing mankind into two classes: the quick and the dead; 4. A machine that runs up hills and down people.

Autonomy: What there will be if I gain another 1,800 pounds.

Autumn: A second spring when every leaf is a flower.

Avail: 1. Piece of cloth that stops woman from looking so ugly; 2. Lace covering for the face.

Avalanche: 1. A mountain getting its rocks off; 2. One of the perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport (i.e. Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse).

Avalanche!: A shout to alert people ahead that a hill is coming down the hill.

Avenge Yourself: Live long enough to be a problem to your children.

Average: The poorest of the good and the best of the bad.

Average Joe: Guys who have nothing better in their lives than to read joe-ks @ joe-ks.com …

Average Husband: One who isn’t as good as she thought he was before she married him, nor as bad as she thinks he is afterward.

Average Man: 1. A person who doesn’t want much, and usually gets a little less than that; 2. One who thinks he isn’t; 3. The fellow who gets mad when you refer to him as the average man.

Average Person: One who thinks someone else is the average person.

Aversion: One side of a disputed story.

Aviary: 1. The place where aviators sleep; 2. A house of trill repute.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Avowal: a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.

 

Awe: 1. Wow of silence; 2. Showing respect with your mouth wide open.

Awkward Age: When girls are too old to count on their fingers and too young to count on their legs.

Awl: (Southern) An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. Usage: “Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl.”

Axiom: 1. A thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it; 2. A statement that noone but George Bernard Shaw can contradict.

B Flat: An apiary.

B.A.: A degree which indicates that the holder has mastered the first two letters of the alphabet… backwards.

Babble: A feminine noise, somewhat resembling the sound of a brook, but with less meaning.

Babies: 1. Angels whose wings grow shorter as their legs grow longer; 2. Little rivets in the bonds of matrimony; 3. The worst feature of any new baby is its mother’s singing.

Babworth: Something which justifies having a really good cry.

Baby: 1. Alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other; 2. An angel whose wings grow shorter as his legs grow longer; 3. An inhabitant of Lapland; 4. A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping moment is eager to give a wide berth; 5. Dad, when he gets a cold; 6. A tiny feather from the wing of love dropped into the sacred lap of motherhood; 7. Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler; 8. Something that gets you down in the daytime and up at night; 9. A perfect example of minority rule; 10. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42; 11. God's opinion that the world should go on; 12. Mother's little yelper; 13. A perfect example of minority rule.

Baby Boomer: A kid who just polished off six jars of raspberry jam.

Babylon: What the Preacher does during some sermons.

Babysitter: 1. One who accepts hush money; 2. What too many women in slacks definitely don’t have; 3, A teenager you hire to watch your TV; 4. A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Babysitters: Girls you hire to watch your television sets.

Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.

Bachelor: 1. One who treats all women as sequels; 2. A chap who believes it’s much better to have loved and lost than to have to get up for the 2 A.M. feeding; 3. A fellow who hasn’t anyone to share the troubles he doesn’t have; 4. A fellow who has only himself to blame; 5. A fellow who usually wants one single thing in life – himself; 6. A guy with just a single thought: staying that way; 7. A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free; 8. A man who can be miss-led only so far; 9. A man who can get out of bed from either side; 10. A man who can have a girl on his knees without having her on his hands; 11. A man who can keep both a chequing account and a savings account; 12. A man who can pull on his socks from either end; 13. A man who can take a nap on top of the bedspread; 14. A man who’d rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck; 15. A man who hasn’t yet come face-to-face with a feminine roadblock; 16. A man who hasn’t made the same mistake once; 17. A man who looks, but does not leap; 18. A man who plays the field without ever fielding the play; 19. A man who tries to avoid the issue; 20. A man who, when he accomplishes something, gets all the credit himself; 21. A man who will get married as soon as he can find a girl who will love him as much as he does; 22. A man who wouldn’t take yes for an answer; 23. A man who would rather cook his own goose; 24. A man who would rather wash a pair of socks than a sink full of dishes; 25. A man with enough confidence in his judgement of women to act upon it; 26. An eligible mass of obstinacy entirely surrounded by suspicion; 27. An unmarried man who has been singularly lucky in his love affairs; 28. A selfish, callous, undeserving man who has cheated some worthy woman out of a divorce; 29. A guy who didn’t have a car when he was young; 30. One who knows when he receives a Christmas present he won’t have to pay for it later; 31. The most miss-informed man in town; 32. The only species of big game for which the license is taken out after the safari; 33. A selfish, inconsiderate rat who is depriving some deserving woman of her rightful alimony; 34. A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony; 35. A man whom no girl has maneuvered into a situation where she can say, “Yes.”; 36. A fellow who never finds out how many faults he has; 37. A man who has taken many a girl out but has never been taken in; 38. A thing of beauty and a boy forever; 39. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit; 40. The only man who has never told his wife a lie; 41. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable; 42. A rolling stone who gathers no boss; 43. A man who can take women or leave them, and prefers to do both; 44. A young man who has perfected the delicate art of avoiding the issue.

Bachelor Girl: A girl who is still looking for a bachelor.

Bachelor’s Life: Just one un-darned thing after another.

Bachelors: Married men may have better halves, but bachelors have better quarters.

Back: That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

Back Four Seconds: What a clock does when it's hungry.

Back Nine: The final 27 holes of an 18-hole golf course.

Back-Up: Recommended if you meet a skunk in the woods.


Backbite: To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.

Backbiter: A mosquito.

Backgammon: Game that pigs play.

Backseat Driver: A driver who drives the driver.

Backup: Sleeping face down.

Backup Disk: Spare Frisbie.

Backward: Entrance at rear of hospital.

Backward Nation: One that hasn’t tried to borrow money from the U.S.A.

Backward Poet: One who writes inverse.

Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria.

Bad Driver: The person you run into.

Bad Girl: Nothing but a good girl found out.

Bad Husband: The only thing that beats a good wife.

Bad Luck: To have thirteen people seated at the table when you’re paying for the drinks.

Bad Taste: Simply saying the truth before it should be said.

Bad Times: A period when people worry about the business outlook instead of being on the lookout for business.

Badaptation: A bad movie version of a good book.

Badmutton: Game played with the butcher.

Bagatelle: The lady speaks.

Bagdad: What mother did when she met father.

Bagel: An unsweetened doughnut with rigor mortis.

Baggage Claim: The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, “Baggage Claim Area.”

 

Bagpipes: The original Scotch high bawl.

Bahs: (Southern) A supervisor. Usage: “If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”

Baile Funk: A style of fast dance music with hard-edged vocals, originating in Brazil, and with lyrics characterized by the ethos of the favelas (or the slums) of Rio de Janeiro.

Bait: A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.

Baiting The Hook: A catchphrase.

Baker: A person who kneads the dough.

Baking: Monarch of San Francisco.

Baklava: Very Greecy food.

Balanced Diet: 1. What you eat at buffet suppers; 2. A cookie in each hand.

Balanced Meal: One from which the diner has a fifty-fifty change of recovery.

Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.

Bald Eagle: Large bird too vain to buy a hairpiece.

Bald-headed Man: One who, when expecting callers, has only to straighten his necktie.

 

Balderdash:  A rapidly receding hairline.

Baldness: 1. Hair today and gone tomorrow; 2. Cure for dandruff.

Ballet: Dance performed to classical music in an elegant theater before tearful, enraptured wives accompanied by bored, distracted husbands.

Ballet Ruse: A Russian spy-dancer.

Balloonatic: A fellow who inflates balloons.

Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.

Bamboo: Eye-pleasing, but extremely expensive and difficult-to-maintain type of rod, used primarily by anglers who fish for compliments.

Bamboozle: To convince an angler to purchase a bamboo fishing rod.

Banana Peel: A golden slipper.

Bananosecond: Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement.

Band-aid: A fund-raiser for an orchestra.

Bandwidth: In computing: The amount of data that can travel through a circuit expressed in bits per second;  
In high school: The girth of your tuba player.

Bank: An institution that will gladly lend you money provided you can prove you are already so well off that you really don’t need it.

Bank Robber: A guy who gets alarmed easily.

Banker: 1. A pawn broker with a manicure; 2. A man who offers you an umbrella when the sun is shining, then wants it back when it starts to rain; 3. A person who takes a lot of interest in his work.

Bankruptcy: 1. A legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors; 2. A fate worse than debt.

Banquet: 1. A fifty-cent dinner served in sufficient quantity to enable a caterer to charge twenty dollars for it; 2. An affair where you ear a lot of food you don’t want before talking about something you don’t understand to a crowd of people who don’t want to hear you; 3. A plate of cold chicken and anaemic green peas completely surrounded by dreary speakers and appeals for donations; 4. An affair at which a man may insist that he isn’t much of a speaker, then gets up and spends two hours trying to prove it.

Banquette: The correct rules and behaviour to be followed when you meet your money lender.

Baptism: A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever.

Bar Exam: 1. A test to determine just how old you really are; 2. A test to determine just how much you can hold.

Barbarian: A hairdresser called Ian.

Barbeque: 1. Long line waiting to buy a popular doll; 2. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner.”

Barber: 1. A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline; 2. The town cutup.

Barbershop: A clip joint where you get trimmed by experts.

Bard: (Southern) Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

Bare: (Southern) An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.

Barefoot Luxury: A high standard of service in a relaxed and casual setting as at a beachfront hotel.
Bargain: 1. A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and developed in department stores on Mondays; 2. A transaction in which each party thinks he has cheated the other; 3. Something you can’t use, at a price you can’t resist; 4. Something you find a use for after you’ve bought it; 5. Something that's so reasonable they won't take it back when you find out what's wrong with it; 6. When the local tavern keeper bets his tavern and loses.

Bargain Hunter: One who is often led astray by false profits.

Bargain Sale: A place where a woman can ruin one dress while she buys another.

Baritone: Note emanating from Senator Goldwater, or from singer Manilow.

Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails.

Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Baroque: Butterfingers.

Barracks: Where cabarets and fine restaurants keep their bottles of wine.

Barstool: 1. What Daniel Boone stepped in; 2. A device used by drunks to prove the law of gravity.

Bartender: 1. A kind of plasterer; 2. The devil you sold your soul to; 3. A psychologist with really bad furniture.

Baseball: 1. A game in which you young man who bravely strikes out for himself receives no praise for it; 2. A game which consists of tapping a ball with a piece of wood; 3. A game many enjoy more than football because they don’t need a college education to get tickets; 4. A pane killer; 5. A business that can't thrive without strikes; 6. Dance held on a military facility; 7. Three minutes of action crammed into three hours.

Baseball Dugout: A whine cellar.

Baseball Fan: A spectator sitting 500 feet from the plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away.

Baseball Umpire: An authority on diamonds.

Basketball: Dribbling rivalry.

Bassinet: What every fisherman wants.

Bassoon: 1. Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when; 2. The woodwind instrument that, when played properly, looks like you're taking a hit off a water pipe.

Bat: An air-minded mouse.

Bath: A process by which Mom and Dad drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. If you like pink water, use claws vigorously.

Bathel: To pretend to have read the book under discussion when in fact you've only seen the TV series.

Bathing Beauty: 1. A girl who has a lovely profile all the way down; 2. A girl worth wading for.

Bathing Suit: 1. A garment with no hooks but plenty of eyes on it; 2. The little bit that isn’t bare; 3. A garment cut to see level.

Bathing Suit, Modern: Two bandannas and a worried look.

Bathroom: 1. A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning; 2. The only place in a government agency where the bureaucrats usually know what they are doing; 3. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

Batmobiling: Putting up emotional shields (from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile). As in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”.

Battery Electrolyte Tester: A tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail.

Battle: A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.

Baud Rate: Hourly charge at the sleazy motel.

Baughurst: A kind of large, fierce, ugly woman who owns a small fierce, ugly dog.

Bawl: (Southern) What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. Usage: “That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it.”

Bay: A body of water surrounded by restaurants.

BBS: Tall tales told by insects that give honey.

Beach: A place where people lie upon the sand about how rich they are in town.

Beach Erosion: A case of bad tidings

Beans: Actor's caviar.

Bear Market: A six to eighteen month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

Beast: A man being sued for divorce.

Beaulieu Hill: The optimum vantage point from which to view people undressing in the bedroom across the street.

Beaurocracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one.

Beauty: 1: A pretty, effective substitute for brains; 2. An outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused; 3. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband; 4. An aesthetic radiance that delights the soul; 5. A quality much admired in women, landscapes and tropical fish, but curiously out of favour in art throughout the modern era; 6. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

Beauty Contest: 1. A place where women can let their hair down while it’s being put up; 2. Where the talk alone is enough to curl your hair.

Beauty Parlor: 1. A place where women curl up and dye; 2. A place where everybody knows your MANE.

Beauty Shop: One who makes two smiles grow where one grew before.

Becalm: An insect on Ritalin.

Because: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

Beccles: The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by unemployed dentists.

Bed & Breakfast: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

Bedrock: Any rocks you find in your bed.

Beehive: An order given by bees to their misbehaving children.

Beer: 1. A high and mighty liquor; 2. An intoxicating golden brew that re-emerges virtually unchanged one hour later; 3. Carbonated, malt-based, alcohol beverage which, when drunk in quantity, will keep your husband chubby, out of shape, slow witted, gassy and sexually unappealing.

Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00 AM.

Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

Beethoven: 7, Bach: 3 ... First music score.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Beer: The method of turning grain into urine.

Before: What two plus two be.

Beggar: One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.

Begin: Alcoholic beverage drunk by bees.

Beheading: A little necking overdone.

Belch: An after-dinner speech.

Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison. A striking example of how important it is to know the language you are speaking.

Belly Dancer: A ballet dancer, spelled badly.

Belong: To take your time.

Below: Sing Bass.

Belper: A knob of someone else's chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your hand resting on under the passenger seat of your car or on somebody's thigh under their skirt.

Bench Mark: The worn place on a judge's pants.

Benediction: A curse in reverse.

Benefactor: One who returns part of his loot.

Benevolence: The distinguishing characteristic of man.

Benign: 1. What an eight-year-old will be on next birthday; 2. A common call on Bingo night.

Bent: The species of grass most often found on greens.

Beppu: The triumphant slamming shut of a book after reading the final page.

Bepton: One who beams benignly after burping.

Bereft: To miss the last plane to Japan.

Berets: What French people put in fruit pies.

Bernadette: Torching a mortgage.

Best People: The ones your wife knew before she married you.

Bestow: A monster's pedal digit.

Beta: 1. In ancient Greek, Beta was used to refer to things that didn't meet specifications originally, and still don't now after a lot more work has been invested; 2. “Broken, but let's hand it out to customers anyway.” The first “test” version of a piece of computer software that is released to customers is referred to as a Beta release.

Betamaxed: When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition, as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market”.

Betrayed: Ready to go through the cafeteria line.

Betroth: To ring a belle.

Bewilder: An insect who forgot to take his Ritalin.

Bible: A male cow that swings both ways.

Bibliomania & Bibliolatry: Symptoms related to “Overdue Excuses Awards for Library Books”.

Bid: A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
 

Big Bang: The primordial slap on the backside of the newborn universe.

 Big Game Hunter: A person who can spot a leopard.

Big Gun: Frequently an individual of small calibre and immense bore.

Big Shots: Little shots who keep shooting.

 Bigamist: 1. An Italian fog; 2. A man who keeps two himself; 3. A man who makes the same mistake twice; 4. A person who took one too many; 5. A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. One who marries twice in a wifetime.

Bigamy: 1. When a fellow loves not wisely – but two well; 2. Having one husband too many and monogamy is frequently the same thing; 3. When one loves not wisely, but too well; 4. Two rites that make a wrong; 5. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good housewife.
 

Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

Bigotry: One of the California redwoods.
Bikini: Baiting Suit.

Bikini Underwear: Scanty Panty.

Bill Collector: 1. A man who doesn’t believe in putting off until tomorrow what can be dunned today; 2. A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again.

Bilious: That nauseated feeling you get when you open the mail the first of the month.

Billboards: Litter on a stick.

Billow: What you sleep on when you have a bad cold.

Bimbo: Any woman to whom you pay a compliment, while in the company of your wife.

Binary: Someone who likes both men and women.

Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.

Biography: A region bounded on the north by history, on the south by fiction, on the east by obituary, and on the west by tedium.

Biology: 1. Study of shopping habits; 2. A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria.

Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear.

Bird House: Home Tweet Home.

Birth: The beginning of death.

Birth Announcement: A stork quotation.

Birth Control: 1. Evasion of the issue; 2. An issue that attempts to avoid the issue; 3. Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

Birth Control in Prague: Cancelled Czechs.

Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children.

Birthing: Giving birth, esp. as practiced by socially correct women who have attended classes on the subject in tandem with their sensitive mates.

Birthquake: A woman's contractions during labor.

Bisexual: A person who pays for sex.

Biscuit Dough: A primitive adhesive used extensively and successfully by brides to prevent loss of their wedding bands.

Bishop's Caundle: An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces are replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece.

Bison: What you say when your child leaves for school.

Bit: 1. A wager as in, “I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways”; 2. A word used to describe an amount or size, as in “This computer cost quite a bit.”

Bitch: A female of a dog or vice versa.

 Black Eye: A stamp of disapproval.

Blackmail: A letter dropped in a mud puddle.

Bladder: The human apparatus that pays the tax on beer.

Blades: Why grass is dangerous.

Blameless: A person who has obviously never been married.

 

Blamestorming: A group process where participants analyze a failed project and look for scapegoats other than themselves.

Blank Verse: Poetry made out of your head.

Blasphemy: What the mine foreman told the miner to do with the dynamite.

Blazer: A jacket that is on fire.

Bleeve: (Southern) Expression of intent or faith. Usage: “Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday.”

Blew: Colour of the wind.

Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and she turns out to be a sight.

Bliss: Having no idea what is really happening.

Blithbury: A look someone gives you which indicates that they're much too drunk to have understood anything you've said to them in the last twenty minutes.

Blizzard: 1. A storm that winterrupts traffic; 2. When it snows sideways.

Bloatware: Computer software that takes up a large amount of memory but has, in proportion to the space it takes up, minimal functionality. Imagine a four function calculator that eats 20 Megs of disk space. Or MicroSoft Word.

Block: The distance between some people's ears.

Block Diagram: Schematic gibberish.

Blonde: An established bleachhead.

Blonde Joe-ks: Joe-ks that are short so men can understand them.

Blood: The ink of our life's story.

Blood Count: Dracula.

Blood Brother: Dracula's closest relative.

Blotter: Something you look for while the ink dries.

Blowing Your Buffer: Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed.

Blue Jeans: Very depressed chromosomes.

Blueprints: Dirty films.

Blues Singer: Someone who makes every day sound like Yom Kippur.

Blunderbuss: Kissing the wrong girl in the dark.

Blunt Person: One who says what he thinks without thinking.

Blurricane: A natural disaster that moves too fast to be seen clearly.

Blurt: To speak the truth.

Blushing: The colour of virtue.

 

BMWs: Bitchers, moaners and whiners.

Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.

Boat Anchor: 1. Thrown out when you need it, and taken in when you don't; 2. An old computer so useless that it needs to go to sea.

Bob War: (Southern) A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”


Bobbleheading: The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting to comments made by the boss even though most have no idea what he/she just said.

Bobcat: A Halloween game played by dogs.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Body Snatcher: A robber of grave worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker.

Bogey: The number of strokes needed to finish a hole by a golfer of average skill and above-average honesty.

Boiled Egg: Hard to beat.

Boinka: The noise through the wall which tells you that the people next door enjoy a better sex life than you do.

Bombastic: A long, thin explosive, like dynamite.
 

Bon Vivant: A man who would rather be a good liver than have one.

Bonds Of Matrimony: Worthless unless the interest is kept up.

Bone Voyage: Archaeological trip.

Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.

Bonus: What dogs gnawed in ancient Rome.

Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.

Booby Trap: A brassiere.

Book: A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals.

Book (Best Seller): The gilded tomb of a mediocre talent.

Book Censor: A person who reads so much he gets asterisks in front of his eyes.

Book Ends: The part of a book many girls read first.

Book Jacket: A fable of contents.

Book Review: A brief but informative essay that spares readers the ordeal of digesting an actual book.

Bookbag: A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student IDs, loose change, magazines, and (occasionally) books.

Bookcase: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.

Bookie: 1. A fellow who makes his living off bet bugs; 2. A pickpocket who lets you use your own hands.

Books Never Written

Bookworm: A person who would rather read than eat, or a worm that would rather eat than read.

Boomerang: A working model of poetic justice.

Boomerang Workers: Retirees returning to their previous employer.

Boomeritis: The range of sports-related injuries incurred by baby boomers as they pursue health and physical fitness programs into their old age (such as bursitis, tendonitis, sprains, strains & stress fractures).

Bootician: A helper at a shoeshine parlour.

Border Crossers: Multi-skilled employees who feel comfortable jumping from job to job inside a firm.

Borderline Obese: Won't fit through the turnstile at the immigration booth.

Bore: 1. A fellow who can change the subject to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours; 2. A fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it; 3. A guy who is here today and here tomorrow; 4. A guy who keeps the conversation ho-humming; 5. A guy with a one crack mind; 6. A man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company; 7. A person who has flat feats; 8. A person who knows the same stories you do; 9. One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself; 10. One who is interesting to a point – the point of departure; 11. One whose shortcoming is his long-staying; 12. The kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you; 13. The one on your invitation list who never has a previous engagement; 14. One who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation; 15. A person who has nothing to say and says it; 16. A guy, who, if you ask him what time it is, will start to tell you how to make a watch; 17. A person who takes his time taking your time; 18. One who need not repeat himself because he gets it trite the first time; 19. A person who is too generous with his time; 20. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Bored: To attend meetings.

Borrower: 1. A man who tries to live within your means; 2. One who exchanges hot air for cold cash; 3. A person who always wants to be left a loan.

 

Borscht: Beet soup with high blood pressure.

Boss: 1. The man who is early when you are late, and late when you are early; 2. A fellow who’ll raise the roof before he’ll raise your salary; 3. The guy who watches the clock during the coffee break; 4. A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.

Boss Of The Family: Whoever can spend fifty dollars without thinking it necessary to say anything about it.

Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives.

Botany: The art of insulting flowers in Greek and Latin.

Botcherby: The principle by which British roads are signposted.

 

Boudoir: Room for improvement.

Boundary: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.

Bountiful: What Captain Bligh declared after learning that one more breadfruit tree would sink his ship.

Bow Wow: A TV performer's low-cut dress.

Bowling: Marbles for grown-ups.

Bowling Alley: A quiet place of amusement where you can hear a pin drop.

Boxing: 1. Guided muscle; 2. A mutual affliction of brain damage for the amusement of the public.

Boy: 1. A noise with dirt on it; 2. A pain in the neck when he is around… a pain in the heart when he isn’t.

Boycott: 1. Bed for a male child; 2. His crib - not hers.

Bozone Layer: The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone Layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom.

Braggart: A person who starts out telling white lies and soon grows colour blind.

Bragging: The patter of tiny feats.

Braille-iant: Of or pertaining to the Joe-kster's work to help out Blind people (i.e. Blind/Braille Sudoku).

Brain: 1. The apparatus with which we think we think; 2. The thing you are forced to use if you haven't much formal education; 3. That bodily organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office.

Brain Fart: 1. A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; 2. A burst of useful information.

Brains: 1. What a man looks for in a wife, after not using any in selecting one; 2. What a man looks for in a woman after he’s looked at everything else; 3. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

Brainstorm: To feign preparedness.

Brandy: A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-destruction and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a head-full all the time. The drink of heroes - only a hero will venture to drink it.

Brane: A multidimensional object with dimensions ranging from zero to nine. (see P-Brane).
 

Brassiere: 1. A bust stop; 2. A bustblocker; 3. The original anti-gravity device; 4. A device to bring out a girl's best points.

Brat: A child who displays his pest manners.

Bread: Rises without ever sleeping.

Breaking The Seal: Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Breast Implants: A close chemical relative of Silly Putty.

Breath: What winners of a race lose.

Breeding: 1. The quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service; 2. Concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Brevity: Words that cover more ground than they occupy.

Bribery: Using money as a blindfold.

Bride: 1. A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold; 2. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Bridegroom: 1. A wolf who paid too much for his whistle; 2. A man who is amazed at the outcome of what he thought was a harmless little flirtation.

Bridge: 1. A card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal; 2. A game which gives women something to try to think about while they are talking; 3. A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband's bidding.

Bridge Partner: A person who is undesirable if he has a one-trick mind.

Briefcase: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.

Brilliant Epigram: A solemn platitude gone to a masquerade ball.

Brisbane: A perfectly reasonable explanation (such as one offered by a person with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke 50 cigarettes a day).

British: Germans pretending to be French.

British Museum: The most magnificent collection of stolen antiquities in the world.

Broadband: An all girl musical group.

Broad-mindedness: 1. The ability to smile when you suddenly discover that your roommate and your girlfriend are both missing from the dance floor; 2. High-mindedness which has been flattened by experience; 3. The result of flattening high-mindedness out.

Broadcast: Seeing how far you can toss a woman.

Broadway: 1. America’s hardened artery; 2. A place where people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t need to impress people they don’t like.

 

Brochure: A handbill with kid gloves.

Broker: What my broker has made me.

Bronchitis: Fear of the Broncos winning the Super Bowl again.

Broom: Witch craft.

Brothel: Home is where the tart is.

Brotherhood: Your brother, the crook.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Bruise Lee: Inept martial-arts student.

Brute: See Husband.

Brute Force: When your brain doesn't work, just keep beating on the problem until one of you dies.

Bubble Memory: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence.

Bubblegum: Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Buckboard: The price of lumber before inflation.

Bucktooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy.

Budge It: If stuck with your debt, you can't do this.

Budget: 1. A bunch of figures that prove you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place; 2. A mathematical confirmation of our suspicions; 3. A method of worrying before you spend, instead of afterward; 4. An attempt to live below your yearnings; 5. An orderly system of living beyond your means; 6. Telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went; 7. A plan that tells you what you can afford to spend but doesn't keep you from spending more; 8. A schedule for going into debt systematically; 9. What you can’t do to a woman’s mind once it’s made up; 10. What you cannot do to an immovable object.

Budgeting: The most orderly way of going into debt.

Budle: To fart underwater.

Buffet Dinner: Where the hostess doesn't have enough chairs for everybody.

Bug: 1. What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny screen for more than 15 minutes; 2. An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of “debugging,” or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.

Bull: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bulldozer: Sleeping bovine.

Bulldozing: Going to sleep during a political speech.

Bulletin: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily; 2. Catholic air conditioning; 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

Bum: 1. A chap who is jugged by the company he keeps; 2. A man who has lived down to his own ideals; 3. A man-about-town.

Bumblebee: A hum bug.

Bumper Crop: Pedestrians who land in the hospital because of automobile accidents.

Bumpkin: 1. To jostle a relative; 2. Your brother, the Redneck.

Bun: The lowest form of wheat.

Buoyant: 1. Male insect; 2. An ant's son.

Bureaucracy: The art of making the possible seem impossible.

Bureaucrat: 1. A politician who has tenure; 2. A Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Burlesque Censor: A guy who always has a grind to axe.

Burned-Out Hippie: One who now takes antacids instead of acids.

Burp: Throwing up gas.

Bus: 1. A vehicle that has empty seats when going in the opposite direction; 2. Where a man will stand for anything but a woman.

Bus Driver: The person who tells them all where to get off.

Bushman: A male employee of President Bush's administration.

Business: 1. The only thing which can be dead and still have a chance to revive; 2. Something which, if you don't have any, you go out of; 3. The art of extracting money from another man's pocket without resorting to violence; 4. The art of redefining honesty, fair dealing and acceptable profits.

Business Card: A tiny lie you can pick your teeth with.

Business Economy: 1. A reduction in the other fellow's salary.

Business Forecaster: A person who is uncertain about the future and hazy about the present.

Business Lunch: Lunch.

Businessman: 1. One who could have made more money with less trouble in an easier line; 2. One who talks golf all morning at the office, and business all afternoon on the links; 3. An amateur gardener who does his spring digging with a golf club; 4. The man to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom.

Bustard: A very rude city bus driver.

Busybody: One born with an interferiority complex.

Butt: Female Interpretation: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger”;   Male Interpretation: The organ of mooning and farting.

Butt Bra: A garment worn as a support for the buttocks.

Butterfly: Genetic experiment involving a bird and a goat.

Buttock: A cushion for the sitting room.

Buttress: A woman’s butler.

Buy A Replacement: The easiest way to find something lost around the house.

'Buy, Buy': A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

Buzz Saw: A honey of a tool.

Buzzwords: The verbal equivalent of dressing for success in the business world, where a vocabulary that includes leveraging or incremental will lift your status as surely as a power suit or corporate suspenders.

By The Pound: How you pay for dirt.

Byte: First word in a kiss-off phrase.

 C: A letter you can sail on.

C:BELFRY: Where I keep my .BAT files.

Cabbage: 1. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head; 2. How old the taxi is.

Cabinet: Device to catch a taxi in rush hour traffic.

Cabinet Maker: Counter fitter.

Caboose: An Indian baby.

Cache Memory: 1. Remembering how much you have spent; 2. A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there.

Cackle: The commercial announcement of a hen.

Cad: 1. A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant; 2. A term formerly applied to a man who would try to take advantage of a young girl's innocence. He's now called an optimist.

Caddie: 1. A boy who stands behind a golfer, and who didn’t see where it went either; 2. A golfing expert who loses balls for you in one round, so that he can find them for himself in the next; 3. A small boy employed at a liberal stipend to lose balls for others and find them for himself; 4. One of those little things that count; 5. Two women talking about a third who isn't there to defend herself.

Cadence: Kay, a less-then-bright girl.

Caesarean Section: District in Rome.

Cafeteria: From two Latin words: 'café' meaning place to eat, and 'teria' meaning to wretch.

Caffeine: One of the four basic food groups.

Calamity: A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves and good fortune to others.

Calcium: What Cal said when she saw ‘em.

Calculated Risk: A computer date with a girl who doesn't take the pill.

Calculator: A product you can count on.

Calendar: An attempt, underwritten by the principal religions, to make the heavenly bodies keep regular hours.

Calendar Makers: A dating service.

California: A fine place to live if you happen to be an orange.

California Patriot: A man who derives a certain amount of satisfaction from getting almost killed by a Florida hurricane.

California Smog Test: Can UCLA?

Call Option: Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

Callous: Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Calories: Weight lifters.

Camel: 1. An animal that looks as though it had been put together by a committee; 2. An animal that ruined its shape trying to get through the eye of a needle.

Camelot: Parking area for humped animals.

Camera: 1. An instrument that teaches people how to see without a camera; 2. A small but quite heavy object used by anglers to store small amounts of water and a canister of spoiled film.

Camouflage: Wise guise.

Camp: Where parents spend $1,000 for eight weeks to teach their son to make a 25-cent ash tray.

Campaign: A form of courtship in which rival suitors vie for the hand of a woman who has been wooed, won and abandoned countless times before.

Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

Can: The only place where salmon are sure to be found with any degree of certainty.

Can Opener: Key to the washroom.

Canapés: A sandwich cut into 24 pieces.

Cancer: 1. A family of insidious wasting diseases caused by virtually everything one eats, breathes or touches in the modern industrialized society; 2. The result of repression of anger, unlike Heart Attack which snuffs those who express their anger.

Candidate: 1. One who talks about public opinion until he’s defeated, then about herd ignorance; 2. A modest man who shrinks from the publicity of private life to seek the obscurity of public office; 3. A person who asks for money from the wealthy and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

Candle: Lives on its own substance and dies when it devours itself.

Canis Kaboomis: A dog made of C4 explosive with a very large nose. Unwelcome at dog shows.

Cannibal: 1. One who is fed up with people; 2. A person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter; 3. One who loves his fellow man with gravy.

Cannon: An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

Canoe: An object that acts like a small boy - it behaves better when paddled from the rear.

Canopy: A specimen for your urologist.

Cantaloupe: Got to get married in Church.

Cantankerous: Able to drive a tank.

Cantaloupe: Gotta get married in a Church.

Capital Punishment: 1. Most Ottawa cocktail parties; 2. Income Tax; 3. What a woman gets for marrying a Canadian politician; 4. Having to listen to your broker while he gives you a very technical explanation of why the stocks he promoted took a nose dive.

Capitalism: The extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.

Capitalist: 1. One who thinks he must choose between being held up by native labour or being blown up by imported labour; 2. One who will do almost anything for the poor except get off their backs.

Capsize: Head measurement.

Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

Car Roofs: Car Roofs are to fishing as to what black holes are to outer space: whatever is placed upon them - even for a few seconds - get sucked into another dimension.

 Car Sickness: The feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Caramel: 1. A motorized camel; 2. A substance for extracting children's teeth.

Carbage: The trash found in your automobile.

Carbon-based Error: Error caused by a human, not a computer (which would be a silicon-based error).

Carbon Capture: The process of removing carbon dioxide from the points where it is normally released in large quantities (i.e. power plants), so that it can then be prevented from entering the atmosphere.

Carbon Footprint: Carbon dioxide emissions for which an individual or organization can be held responsible (i.e. by their travel, fuel consumption, diet & energy requirements).

Carbon Market: A market in which carbon credits are bought and sold.

Carbon Neutrality: A state in which an organization or country balances its carbon emissions against its carbon reductions to achieve zero net emissions of carbon dioxide.

Carbon Sequestration: The process by which carbon dioxide is removed from the atmosphere (i.e. naturally by plants in their growth; artificially by various means), and then prevented from returning to the atmosphere by the creation of products with long-term use (i.e. timber from forests), or by storing it in sealed reservoirs (i.e. by injecting it into underground geological formations).

Carcinoma: A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
 
Cardiology: The study of poker playing.

Career Girl: 1. One who gets a man’s pay by working for it; 2. One who is more interested in plots and plans than in pots and pans; 3. One who gets a man’s salary without marrying one.

Career Woman: One who goes out and earns a man’s salary instead of sitting at home and taking it away from him.

Careerism: The widespread belief that life offers nothing so sublime as the opportunity to climb two or three steps up the corporate pyramid over a period of forty years.

Careful Driver: 1. One who looks in both directions when he passes a red light; 2. The fellow who has made the last payment on his car.

Caricature: The tribute that mediocrity pays to genius.

Carnation: Country where everyone owns a car.

Carpenter: 1. A guy who nails down his agreement; 2. A shelf made man.

Carpet: 1. A floor covering that is bought by the yard and worn by the foot; 2. A dog or cat who enjoys riding in a car; 3. Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

Carpetting: Making out at the drive-in movie.

Carrier Detect: “I see the mail man!”

Carrion: Continue.

Carry-on Bag: An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says, the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide-screen projection TVs.

Cartographer: A guy who takes pictures of his car.

Cartoon: What you sing when driving your car.

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Cashew: A sneeze.
Cashews: The nuts you should hold out for if you’re currently working for peanuts.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Casserole: A method used by ingenious cooks to get rid of leftover leftovers.

Castanet: Primitive fishing method.

Caster Oil: First lubricant for wheels.

Castrate: 1. Market price for setting a fracture; 2. Hotel room cost for actors.

Castration: A eunuch experience.

Cat Scan: Searching for one's lost kitty.

Catacomb: A feline grooming tool.

Catalogs: Little stores that arrive by mail until we have a shopping mall where our living room used to be.

Catalyst: Several cows names written in alphabetical order.

Cataract: Where cats hang their coats.

Catastrophe: First prize at a cat show.

Catatonic: 1. Italian cat medicine; 2. What your feline drinks to get stiff.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Caterpillar: 1. An upholstered worm; 2. A worm that's rich enough to buy a fur coat.

Catholic: A person obsessed by felines.

Catkin: A cat's aunt and uncle.

Catnapping: A kitten abduction.

Cats: Animals good at pfssst fights.

Catscan: Searching for kitty.

Cat's Eye: A yes vote at a cat meeting.

Catsup: Where the cat goes when the dog chases it.

Cattails: What kittens like hearing at bedtime.

Catty-Corner: Where naughty kittens have to sit.

Catwalk: What cats in Asia cook with.

Cauliflower: A cabbage with a college education.

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

Cavalry: An assemblage of calves.

Cavity: Empty space ready to be stuffed with dentist’s bills.

Celebrity: 1. A man who works all his life to become famous enough to be recognized – then goes around in dark glasses so no one will know who he is; 2. A person who is very much in the public’s eye and often gets in the public’s hair; 3. A person whose name is in everything but the telephone book; 4. The worst thing that can happen to an actor.

Celebutard: A not very bright celebrity. Frequently used to describe Paris Hilton & Britney Spears.

Celibate: An old refrain.

Cell Phone: How Amoebas communicate.

Cello: The proper way to answer the phone.

 Cellulite: What the power company does.

Cemetery: 1. An isolated spot, usually in a suburb, where mourners swap lies; 2. A place people are dying to get into.

Censor: 1. A man who knows more than he thinks you ought to know; 2. A person who sticks his No's into other people's business.

Censorship: 1. Advertising paid for by the government; 2. The power of the suppress.

Censure: The tax a man pays to the public for being eminent.

 Census Taker: A man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

Cent: (Southern) Plural of cent. Usage: “You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it.”

Centaur: A man with a horse where his pants ought to be.

Centenarian: A person who has lived to be one hundred years old. He never smoked or he smoked all his life. He used whiskey for eighty years or he never used it. He was a vegetarian or he wasn't a vegetarian. Follow these rules carefully and you too can be a centenarian.

Center Of Mass: The Priest.

Centigrade: A mailed report card.

Centimeter: A parking meter that takes pennies.

CEO: 1. Corporate Ego in Overdrive; 2. Chief Embezzlement Officer.

Ceremony: The invention of wise men to keep fools at a distance.

Certified Pre-owned Car: It was only driven by a Little Old Lady from Pasadena to Church on Sunday. Honest!

CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer.

CGI Joe: A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chaining: A method of securing programmers to their desks to speed up their productivity.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chairman: A person who introduces a person who doesn't need an introduction.

Chairmaning: The art of being one up on the lecturer.

Chalk Fairy: Term used to describe mysterious police officers who feel the need to draw lines around the body and then disappear when investigators attempt to find out who contaminated the scene.

Chamber Of Commerce Executive: A man who will never admit he has seen better days.

Champagne: A beverage that makes you see double and feel single.

Champion: A fellow who gets licked two or three time a week and keeps right on calling himself a champion.

Chance: The pseudonym of God when he does not want to sign.

Chance Remark: Anything a man chances to say when two women are talking.

Channels: The trails left by inter-office memos.

Chaos: Three women discussing the two sides of an issue.

Chaperone: One who is too old to get into the game, but still tries to intercept the passes.

Chaperoning: A spectator spoil-sport.

 Char: Common method of cooking over a campfire.

Character: 1. That which one is called if one doesn’t have any; 2. What a man is in the dark; 3. What you have left when you’ve lost everything you can lose.

Charity: 1. The sterilized milk of human kindness; 2. Bestowing on a poor man something he could otherwise fish from your rubbish can.

Charm: 1. The ability to make someone think that both of you are wonderful; 2. That indefinable something possessed by girls with stunning figures; 3. What one is told he has until he begins to rely on it; 4. Getting the answer 'Yes' without asking a clear question.

Chastity: Perhaps the most peculiar of all sexual aberrations.

Chateaubriand: Your hat is on fire.

Chauffeur: A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.

Cheap Date: A guy who walks you to a drive-in.

Cheat On Your Diet - you gain in the end.

Checkbook: A book that tells you where you should go on your vacation.

Checkmate: 1. The gal you marry for her money; 2. A Bohemian wife.

Checkpoint: A location from which the programmer draws his salary.

Checkroom: Where the sheep are separated from the coats.

Cheerfulness: The art of concealing your true feelings.

Cheese: Milk's leap toward immortality.

Cheesecake: A magazine with a beautiful girl on the cover – and no cover on the girl.

Cheetah: A cat who looks at another cat's test.

Chef: 1. A man with a big enough vocabulary to give the soup a different name every day; 2. An interior decorator.

Chemical Warfare: The eternal conflict between blondes and brunettes.

Cherry Cobbler: A virgin shoemaker.

Chess: 1. A game requiring patience, a mathematical mind, and a suit with two pairs of pants; 2. A game played on squares by squares.

Chewing Gum: Television for the teeth.

Chic: 1. A convent for unloved women; 2. Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.

Chicken: An egg factory.

Chicken Coquette: A flirtatious hen.

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

 Child Psychology: What children manage parents with.

Childbirth: You get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, 'focus... breathe... push...'

Childhood: The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drugs or weapons charge.

Children: A great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too.

Chili: Edible weather.

Chilli Powder: Very fine snowflakes.

Chiropractor: A doctor who works his fingers to the bone – yours.

Child: 1. A thing that stands halfway between an adult and a television set; 2. One who outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart.

Child Psychology: The art of applying a soft pedal instead of a hard paddle.

Childhood: 1. A happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep; 2. A wonderful time of life when all you need do to lose weight is to take a bath.

Childish Games: Those at which your wife beats you.

Children: 1. Small people who are not permitted to act as their parents did at that age; 2. What men become when they get the flu; 3. Why's guys; 4. Natural mimics who act like their parents in spite of every effort to teach them good manners.

Chinchilla: Special device for cooling the lower jaw.

Chindia: China and India, considered as a unit (re their economic power and strategic importance related to the rest of the world).

 Chinese Checkers: Airport Security at Peking.

Chinese Spy: A Peiping Tom.

Chip Shot: A short, low approach shot that gets a player into position for one or more missed puts.

Chipping: Time to get our nails done again.

Chips: The junk food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

Chiropodist: A man who makes money hand over foot.

Chivalry: 1. A man’s inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself; 2. The attitude of a man toward somebody else’s wife; 3. The attitude of a man toward a strange woman.

 Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

Choosy Blonde: One for whom a Tom or a Harry won't do.

Chores: Day to day household tasks which you and your spouse pledge to divide equally, but will end up being done by whoever gets fed up with filth the quickest.

 Chortle: Small daily tasks.
 Chortling: Taking care of small daily tasks.

Chorus Girl: One who never worries about getting ahead because she doesn’t need one.

Chow Line: The men behind the men… behind the men… behind the men.

Christ: A man who was born 5,000 years ahead of his time.

Christian Nation: One that has Churches too many people stay away from on Sunday.

 Christmas: 1. A time for exchanging a lot of things you can’t afford for a lot of things you don’t want; 2. A widely observed holiday on which neither the past nor the future is of so much interest as the present; 3. The season when we get the children something for their father to play with; 4. When the radios keep you awake till three in the morning playing “Silent Night”; 5. That time of the year when mother has to separate the man from the toys; 6. That time of the year when both trees and husbands get trimmed, and sometimes get lit up, too; 7. A season of anticipation, preparation, recreation, relation, prostration and recuperation; 8. A warm, cheery two-month festival that celebrates the joy of retail merchandise.

 Christmas Shopping: 1. A time when we must get the children something for their father to play with; 2. Yulebesorry.

Christmas Spirit: Alchollydaze.

Chronic Grumbler: One who, when opportunity knocks, complains about the noise.

Church: 1. An institution supported by the husbands of the members; 2. A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there; 3. The place where we encounter nodding acquaintances; 4. Man's effort to keep a roof over God's head.

Chutzpapa: A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

Cigarette: 1. A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between; 2. A bit of tobacco with a fire at one end and a fool at the other; 3. A flimsy paper cylinder packed with dried leaves and set afire for the purpose of inhaling the smoke and toxic substances produced therefrom; 4. An indispensable prop for tough-talking adults and aspirants to that status.

Cinder: One of the first things to catch your eye in travelling.

Cinemascope: A wider scope of sin.

Cinnamon: Jamaican who broke the ten commandments.

Circle: A round line with a hole in the middle.

Circumference: 1. How I tell my landlord to come and collect his rent; 2. The knight who invented the round table.

Circumflex: A polite invitation for someone to show off his muscles.

Circumvent: The opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Circus: 1. A group that carries on where politicians leave off; 2. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

Cistern: Opposite of brothern.

Citizen Journalism: 1. Journalistic reporting by bloggers who are not part of the established media; 2. Participatory journalism.

City Life: Millions of people being lonesome together.

City Paving: Something always on the up and up.

Civil Service: A commodity formerly obtainable in restaurants.

Civilization: 1. The progress from shoeless toes to toeless shoes; 2. A process whereby one generation finds the questions to the previous generation’s answers; 3. A scheme devised by women to get men to work for them; 4. A system under which a man pays a quarter to park his car so he won’t be fined a dollar while eating a fifteen cent meal; 5. Just a slow process of getting rid of our prejudices; 6. The advancement from shoeless toes to toeless shoes; 7. A limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

Clairvoyant: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.

Clarification: To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

Clarinet: 1. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarinet: two clarinets; 2. Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.

Class Reunion: 1. A gathering where you come to the conclusion that most of the people your own age are a lot older than you are; 2. Where everyone gets together to see who is falling apart.

Classic: 1. A book everyone wants to have read, but no one wants to read; 2. A book which people praise and don't read.

Classical Jazz: Rock of ages.

 Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.

Clean Mind: The result of brainwashing.

Clear Conscience: Poor memory.

Cleavage: 1. Something which excites disapproval in everyone but the audience; 2. The Parton of the ways.

Cleftomaniac: Low-neckline wearer.

Cleopatra: Queen of denial.

Clergyman: 1. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones; 2. A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.

Clergymen: Attorneys-at-God.

Clergyman’s TV Show: “Parson-to-Parson”

Clever Investment: The one you failed to make.

Clever Woman: One who knows how to give a man her own way.

Clichés: Fixtures of speech.

Climate: What you do with a ladder.

Climate Canary: A significant change in the state of a geographical feature, a plant or animal species, or a human habitat, which provides an early warning of a climate change which will have more far-reaching effects (from the use of a caged canary in mines to indicate the presence of carbon monoxide, the canary being killed quickly and thereby warning the miners).

Climate Sceptic: A person who is doubtful that global warming is taking place or believes that, if it is, it is part of a natural cycle (as opposed to a climate realist).

Climatologist: An expert mountain climber.

 Clinic: House of pill repute.

Clipboard: 1. Directors of the Enron Corporation; 2. Place you keep your ammo.

Clique: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides.

CLM (Career-Limiting Move): Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Clockroaches: Employees who spend most of their day watching the clock instead of doing their jobs.

Clockwise: A person who always knows what time it is.

Clone: Stuff for your face after shaving.

Closet: Storage areas in your new home which will be divided on an as-needed basis: 93% for you, 7% to your spouse.

Clothes Dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.

Clothestrophobia: What a nudist suffers from.

Clouds: The travelling mountains of the sky.

Cloverleaf: Crossroads puzzle.

Clown: A man who acts too natural.

Clown Shoes: Any item, person, or organizatin that can not be taken seriously.

Club: 1. Long bar of wood used to render fish senseless; 2. Place with long bar of wood where fishermen go to render themselves senseless.

Co-Cola: (Southern) The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world. Usage: “Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia.”

Co-Operation: An exchange between a woman and a man in which she coos and he operates.

Coach: A fellow who will gladly lay down your life for the school.

Coaching: Eliminating mistakes before you get fired.

Coal: A lumpy substance that not only goes to the buyer, but to the cellar as well.

Coat Of Arms: What octopuses wear to formals.

Cobra: Bra worn by Siamese twins.

Cobweb Site: 1. A website that hasn't been updated for a long time; 2. A dead web page.

 

Cock Fighting: Fowl play.

Cocktail: 1. An ice cube with an alcohol rub; 2. A drink to wet the appetite; 3. Drink make from a rooster's rear end.

Cocktail Lounge: A half-lit roomful of half-lit people.

Cocktail Party: 1. A place where they serve yesterday's leftovers and tomorrow's hangovers; 2. A gathering where you spear olives and stab friends; 3. A place where they serve whisky on the knocks; 4. A place where you meet a lot of old friends you never saw before; 5. Where a handful gather a snootful and earful; 6. Where they cut sandwiches and friends into little pieces; 7. Where two and two make a bore; 8. Where you make new old friends.

Coconut: Someone that's cuckoo for Cocopuffs.

Code Of The West: Shoot first, apologize later.

Coed: 1. A girl who also goes to college; 2. A girl who didn’t get her man in high school; 3. A moroff with less on.

Coffee: 1. Break fluid; 2. A person who is coughed upon; 3. A mud-brown beverage consisting of granulated tropical beans methodically dribbled into scalding water, and consumed in copious quantities for its power to produce a satisfactory level of nervous agitation.

Coffee Break: About the only break some workers feel they get.

Cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum: I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.

Cogito Eggo Sum: I think, therefore, I am a waffle.

Cogito Ergo Spud: I think, therefore I yam.

Cohort: A backup hort that switches in if the primary hort fails or goes on a coffee break.

Coiffure: A french word meaning “you’ll keep coming to us because you’ll never be able to do it this way yourself.”

Coincide: What most people do when it starts raining.

Cold: 1. An ailment cured in two weeks with a doctor's care, and in fourteen days without it; 2. Can be caught but not thrown.

Cold Cash: What’s kept in air-conditioned banks.

Cold Feet: The ailment you get when you know what the consequences are going to be.

Cold War: 1. Hot peace; 2. The nightly battle between man and wife to secure and hold all the blankets.

Colleague: 1. Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame; 2. The person to whom one passes the buck.

Collection: A Church function in which many take but a passing interest.

College: 1. A fountain of knowledge where students gather to drink; 2. Just a place to keep warm between high school and early marriage; 3. An institution where you learn how to use punctuation marks, but not what to put between them; 4. A four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone; 5. A place which just slows up your education by four years.

College Boy: 1. A young man who likes to be treated with kindness by his parents, but not unremitting kindness; 2. One who gets up at five every day all summer to carry milk, but can’t make an eight o’clock class all winter.

College Bred: A four-year loaf requiring a fearful amount of dough and seldom self-raising.

College Cheer: Money from home.

College Dean: A man who doesn’t know enough to be a professor, but who is too smart to be a president.

College Education: A four-year plan for confusing a young mind methodically.

College Graduate: A person who had a chance to get an education.

College Jock: Someone who minds his build instead of vice versa.

College Professor: A man who gets what’s left over after the football coach is paid off.

College Years: The only vacation a boy gets between his mother and his wife.

 

Colleges: Institutions which sometimes lower entrance requirements with an end in view – not to mention promising tackles and backs.

Colliefornia: The American state that has gone to the dogs.

Cologne: One of four Christmas gifts which you will be receiving from your wife every single year, now that you're married.

Columnist: A paragrafter.

Comatose: When your foot falls asleep.

Comb: Has teeth but can't bite.

Combat: Bat that like to fight.

Combustion: What takes place when there isn't enough goods in a store to cover the insurance.

 

Comedian: 1. A person with a pun-track mind; 2. A guy with a good memory who hopes no one else has; 3. A person who has a good memory for old joe-ks.

Comedy: The art of making people laugh without making them puke.

Comfort: A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbour's uneasiness.

Comfortable: The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention - to sit down and look comfortable.

Comic: A person, who when he dies, is at his wits end.

Comic Books: Illiterature.

Comic Relief: When the life of the party goes home.

Comma: What a medium falls into.

Commendation: The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, but do not equal, our own.

Commentator: A talking spud.

Commerce: A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.

Commercial: 1. The din you love to shush; 2. The warning you get to shut off the radio or television.

Commercials: 1. What the TV station is on the air to broadcast; 2. Maddeningly memorable messages occasionally interrupted by several minutes of forgettable programming.

Commitment: Female Interpretation: A desire to get married and raise a family;  Male Interpretation: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Committee: 1. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours; 2. A group of the unfit, appointed by the unwilling, to do the unnecessary; 3. A group which succeeds in getting something done only when it consists of three members, one of whom happens to be sick and the other absent; 4. A noun of multitude, signifying many, but not signifying much; 5. Something which consists of three people who are unfit, being appointed by someone unwilling to do a job which, in the last analysis, happens to be unnecessary; 6. A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled; 7. Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together; 8. A grotesque creature with multiple heads and twice as many feet, no three of them pointing in the same direction; 9. A joint checking account.

Committee-Of-Five: Consists of a man who does all the work, three others to pat him on the back, and one to bring in a minority report.

Communication: Female Interpretation: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner;  Male Interpretation: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Communism: 1. The cause that suppresses; 2. Socialism with a gun to make you take it; 3. Nobody's got nothin', but everybody's workin'; 4. Liberation of the people from the burdens of liberty.

Communist: 1. A fellow who has given up all hope of ever becoming a capitalist; 2. A fellow who will gladly divide his hunger and thirst with you if you’ll divide your beer and salami with him; 3. A guy who borrows your pot to cook your goose; 4. A guy who says everything is perfect in Russia, but stays here because he likes to rough it; 5. One who has yearnings for equal division of unequal earnings; 6. A person who believes that any man who has more money than he, is the oppressor of the masses.

Community Chest: An organization that puts all its begs into one ask it.

Commuter: 1. A traveling man who pays short visits to his home and office; 2. One who spends his life – in riding to and from his wife… a man who shaves and takes a train, and then rides back to shave again.

Company Policy: The corporate equivalent of your parents saying, “Because I said so.”

Complaint: A grief resume.

Completion Date: The point at which liquidated damages begin.

Compliment: 1. Something which you say to another which he and you know is not true; 2. The applause that refreshes.

Compromise: 1. A deal in which two people get what neither of them wanted; 2. Listening to your wife’s opinion and deciding she’s right; 3. The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.

Compulsive Gambler: A guy who would rather lay a bet.

Computer: A nimble electronic brain devoid of animal passions and human wit, and therefore admirably suited to the contemporary corporate environment.

Computer Mating: A form of dater-processing.

Computer Salesperson: A person without the ethics to be a used car salesperson. The job also requires that you have absolutely no knowledge of computers.

Computer Scientist: Someone who fixes things that aren't broken.

Con Man: One who believes people are all right – if you know how to take them.

Conceit: 1. A disease that makes everyone sick but the one who has it; 2. A form of I-strain; 3. God’s gift to little men; 4. Confidence out of control.

Conceited Person: One who mistakes a big head for greatness.

Concentration: The ability to think about absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary.

Conclusion: The place where you got tired of thinking.

Concrete Opinions: Those that are thoroughly mixed and permanently set.

Condensation: Feeling a crook gets on return to hideout.

 

Condescend: To escape from prison by lowering oneself over the wall with a rope.

Condom: An article of attire to be worn on every conceivable occasion.

Condominium: A condom for midgets.

 Conductor: The musician most likely to get struck by lightning.

Cones: Ice cream you can walk with.

Coney Island: Where the surf is one third water and two thirds people.

Conference: 1. A big business term for swapping stories in somebody’s private office; 2. A group of men who individually can do nothing, but as a group can meet and decide that nothing can be done; 3. A meeting at which people talk about what they should already be doing; 4. A place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labour and the loneliness of thought; 5. An organized way of postponing a decision; 6. Coffee-break with real napkins; 7. The confusion of the loudest talking character multiplied by the number present; 8. A long coffee break; 9. A meeting of the bored; 10. A meeting to decide when the next meeting will be held; 11. The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present; 12. Time off from the hurly burly of hard graft and actual thought.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody disagrees later on.

Confessio Fidel: I told everything to Castro.

Confidant: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.

Confidence: 1. The cocky feeling you have just before you know better; 2. That quality which permits an individual to do Sudoku puzzles with a fountain pen; 3. What you have before you understand the problem.

Confirmed Bachelor: 1. One who thinks that the only thoroughly justified marriage was the one that produced him; 2. A man with no wife expectancy.

Conflict Of Interest: A dental school with a hockey team.

Conflusion: What the public feels in response to an endless stream of contradictory news about H1N1 influenza.

Confront: The chest of a prisoner.

Congratulation: The civility of envy.

Congress: 1. A body of government that does not solve problems - it just investigates them; 2. A body of men brought together to slow down the government; 3. A strange forum where people get up and speak, nobody listens, and then everyone disagrees at the top of their lungs; 4. A group which is often immobilized by greedlock; 5. A place where there are too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen - and not enough U.S. Congressmen.

Connoisseur: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them.

Conscience: 1. A device that doesn’t keep you from doing anything – just keeps you from enjoying it; 2. A guilt-edged knife; 3. An inner voice that warns us somebody is watching; 4. A walkie-talkie set by which God speaks to us; 5. Something that feels terrible when everything else feels great; 6. That sixth sense that comes to our aid when we are doing wrong and tells us that we are about to get caught; 7. The still small voice that makes you feel still smaller; 8. The voice that tells you not to do something after you have done it; 9. What makes you tell your wife before someone else does; 10. The mother of invention; 11. That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol; 12. Something that no’s what’s wrong; 13. A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught; 14. Something that makes you tell your mother before your sister does; 15. A trait that gets a lot of credit that belongs to cold feet; 16. An inner voice that warns us somebody is looking; 17. The thing that hurts when everything else feels so good; 18, What makes you worry about what it couldn't stop you from doing.

 Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Consciousness-Raising: The fine art of teaching well-adjusted citizens to view themselves as victims of oppression.

Conscientious Woman: One who never breaks a confidence without first imposing the strictest secrecy.

Conservation: A state of harmony between men and land.

Conservative: 1. A man who acts impulsively after thinking for a long time; 2. A man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run; 3. A man who just sits and thinks, mostly sits; 4. A politician who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wants to replace them with others; 5. One who does not think that anything should be done for the first time; 6. A liberal who just got mugged.

Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

Constant: A type of pressure.

 Constipation: When tush comes to shove.

Consul: In American politics, a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

Consult: To seek another’s approval of a course already decided upon.

Consultant: 1. Someone who borrows your watch then tells you what time it is; 2. A jobless person who shows executives how to work; 3. Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date; 4. Any ordinary guy more that 50 miles from home or office.

Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products in accordance with the motto, “I spend, therefore I am.”

Contempt: The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.

Contented Husband: One who is on listening terms with his wife.

Contortionist: 1. A guy who can always make both ends meet; 2. A man who leads a double life; 3. The person who invented the rumble seat; 4. The only person who can do what everyone else would like to do - pat himself on the back.

Contraceptive: A labor-saving device to be worn on every conceivable occasion.

Contract: An agreement to do something if nothing happens to prevent it.

Contractor: A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

Contralto: A low sort of music that only ladies sing.

Control: 1. A short, ugly inmate; 2. If everything is under control, you're moving too slowly.

Controversy: A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.

Convalescent: 1. A patient who is still alive; 2. A person in bed and bored.

Convent: A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness.

Convention: An excuse for doing the unconventional.

Conventional: Not necessarily the way a man acts at a convention.

Conventions: What the road to Hell is paved with.

Conversation: A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbour.

Conversation Piece: A girl who likes to talk in bed.

Conversion: Sects change operation.

Converts: Gullible folk who have agreed to let an outside contractor renovate their souls.

Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.

Convictions: What an employee has after he knows what the boss thinks.

Convincing Explanation: Inspired lie. (see also Explanation)

Cook: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption; 2. Mom's other name.

Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages.

Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat.

Coolant: An insect that's, like, you know, got it all together, dude.

Coolie: A quickie in the snow.

Coordinator: 1. A man who brings organized chaos out of regimented confusion; 2. A man who has a desk between two expeditors.

 Copper Nitrate: Overtime pay for policemen.

 

Copulate: 1. A late police response; 2. What you tell the police officer after the burglar has already escaped.

Copulation: The number of policemen in the area.

 

Copyright: 1. Someone who cheats well;  2. Copyright Defined

Coquette: A woman without a heart, who makes a fool of a man who has no head.

Core Storage: A receptacle for the center section of apples.

Corn-On-The-Cob: The stuff you eat like you play a mouth organ.

Corona: A person who possesses a vehicle.

Coronary Bypass: When the king's youngest son is crowned instead of the eldest.

Coroner: A profession for which you have to take a Stiff exam.

Corporal: As high as you go and still have friends.

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

Corral Enterprises: A company with a lot of stockholders.

Correctional Facility: Rent-free public housing for thieves, rapists, muggers, murderers, deadbeats, extortionists, drug fiends and other assorted malcontents who are thought to benefit form confinement in each other's company.

Co-Respondent: The right man in the wrong place.

Corrosion Resistant: Term found on articles of fishing equipment indicating that they are capable of withstanding the harmful effects of salt-water exposure for 91, 181, or 366 days, depending on the nature of the guarantee.

Corset: Like love, something which binds us together and makes us better than we are by nature.

Cortizone: The local courthouse.

Cosmetics: 1. Applied art; 2. An arsenal of facial enhancements commonly applied in excess by women and male celebrities who feel the need to look embalmed; 3. Crease paint.

Cost Of Living: The difference between your net income and your gross habits.

Cotton: Material from which a married woman's underwear is made.

Couch Potato: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

 Counsel: Advice with a price tag.

Counterfeiter: 1. A guy who gets into trouble by following a good example; 2. Worker who puts together kitchen cabinets; 3. A person with a pseudough-nym.

Counter-Irritant: The woman who shops all day and buys nothing.

Counterweight: What you do when the clerk is busy.

Country: A damp sort of place where all sorts of birds fly about uncooked.

Country Music: Three chords and the truth.

Coup de Gras: Lawn mower.

 Coupe D'Etat: The forcible takeover of a government by someone in a 2-door car.

Couply: 1. Suited to a couple (i.e. a couply movie); 2. Indicative of an established couple (i.e. matching clothes are so couply).

Courage: 1. Fear that has said its prayers; 2. Fear in action; 3. Ignorance of the facts; 4. Grace under pressure.

Court Of Law: A place where a suit is pressed and a man maybe taken to the cleaners.

Courtesy: 1. Acceptable hypocrisy; 2. The quality that keeps a woman smiling when a departing guest stands at the open screen door and lets the flies in.

Courtship: 1. A man pursuing a woman until she catches him; 2. A period during which a girl decides whether or not she can do better; 3. The period during which a man spends so much on his girlfriend that he finally marries her for his money; 4. When a fellow and a girl are always trying to show how smart he is; 5. When a fellow gets so wrapped up in a girl that it’s easy to tie the knot.

Cousin: The relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble.

Coverage: To pretend to be older or younger than you are.

Co-wed: A gal who got her man while in college.

Cow: 1. An animal with a mooving problem; 2. A machine which makes grass fit for people to eat.

Coward: One, who in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.

Cowardice: 1. Yellow frozen water; 2. Fear inaction.

CPR: An emergency exercise that helps concerned onlookers feel useful while the victim expires.

CPU: Central Propulsion Unit - the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent.

Crackputt: A compulsive golfer.

Crambo: Watching a Stallone movie a dozen times in a week.

 Cramnesia: Student memory loss.

 

Cranberries: Grapes with hypertension.

Cranberry Grower: His arguments usually bog down.

Crank: 1. A person who insists on convincing you instead of letting you convince him; 2. Was Handel a crank?

Crapplet: A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet.

Crate Manufacturers: Case workers.

Cravat: A $35 necktie.

Cravings: An excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

 Craze: The other guy's hobby.

Creativity: 1. The sudden cessation of stupidity; 2. The art of concealing your sources; 3. Intelligence having fun.

Credit: 1. A commodity that becomes better the less it is used; 2. A person who can’t pay, gets another person who can’t pay, to guarantee that he can pay.

Credit Card: The greatest development since the invention of the big wheel.

Credit Card Tart: A credit-card holder who moves from provider to provider, transferring a loan from one account to another at a similar low rate of interest when the agreed period of the first account is about to expire.

Creditor: A man who has a better memory than a debtor.

Creds: Credentials.

Cremation: 1. All men are cremated equal; 2. For people whose attitude to death is one of grave doubt; 3. The fairly common practice of flame-broiling the deceased; 4. A dose of hellfire with or without damnation.

Crew: A collective name for the group of peons who cover up for the television director.

Crew Cut: Furry with a singe on top.

Crew Cuts: What sea captains don't like.

Cribbage: A baby who is not yet climbing.

Crick: Noise made by a Japanese camera.

Criminal: A person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation.

Critic: 1. A leg-less man who teaches running; 2. A wet blanket that soaks everything it touches; 3. One quick-on-the-flaw; 4. Someone who knows the way but can't drive the car; 5. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.

Critical Mass: Religious service for book & film reviewers.

Critical Path Method: A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

Criticism: 1. A study by which men grow important and formidable at very little expense; 2. Something you can avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing; 3. Yawning as a profession.

Critics: People who go places and boo things.

Crochet: An exercise that gives women something to think about when they are talking.

Crooning: A continuous hollow sound, as of cattle in pain.

Croquet: Chess with sweat.

Cross-Country Skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross Examination: A test prepared by an angry teacher.

Cross-Eyed Teacher: A teacher that loses control over his or her pupils.

Cross Purposes: Bad-tempered dolphins.

Crosscheck: A term used to indicate checking an opponent's king by a bishop or queen on the diagonal.

 Crow: A bird that never complains without caws.

Crowbar: Where birds can get a drink.

Crowd: Two women.

Cryogenics: The study of tears.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Cuddle: Act of warmth and affection that your husband will inevitably interpret as foreplay.

Cuddling: A sweetly chaste form of intimacy that tends to make the average man feel like a muzzled hound on a fox hunt.

Cum Laude: How students in southern universities call dogs named “Laude.”

Cunnilingus: A real tongue-twister.

Cup Holder: A CD-ROM Drive.

Cupid: One who when he hits the mark usually Mrs. it.

Curiosity: 1. Lying in wait for every secret; 2. An empowering instinct of cats, kids, women, scientists, and other animals.

 

Curl Harbor: A Boston beauty salon.

Current Events: 1. What an electrician worries about; 2. Electric shocks.

Curriculum: A harness devised by educational bureaucrats to turn thoroughbred teachers into cart horses.

Cursor: What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

Curve: 1. Something which may wreck your car… if you hug it at the wrong time; 2. The loveliest distance between two points.

Curved Line: The loveliest distance between two points.

Customer Satisfaction: A metric that skews customer feedback in the most fabourable terms for your next presentation to senior management.

Cut Rates: What surgeons charge their patients.

Cyber Cheating: 1. Plagiarism of material sourced on the internet. 2. Engagement in an online romance, the conduct of which constitutes unfaithfulness to one's spouse or lover.

Cyber Forecast:  .com before .storm

Cyberathlete: A professional player of computer games.

Cymbal: What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your gun with.

Cynic: 1. A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing; 2. A man who looks at the world with a monocle in his mind’s eye; 3. A man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street; 4. A man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin; 5. One who looks down on those above him; 6. An idealist whose rose-coloured glasses have been removed, snapped in two, and stomped into the ground, immediately improving his vision.

Cynical Realism: The intelligent man's best excuse for doing nothing in an intolerable situation.

Cyst: (Southern) To render aid. Usage: “Can ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am.”

 D & C: Where Washington is.

Dapper Diaper: Well-dressed baby underwear.

Dachshund: 1. A little dog half-a-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long; 2. A Great Dane after taxes.

Dadicated: Being the best father you can be.

Daily Double: Work and slave.

 Dairymaid: A girl who ought to know butter.

Damage: How older people cuss their many years.

Damitrol: Tranquilizer.

Damnation: Beaver country.

Damnitol: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

Dance: 1. Vertical expression of a horizontal idea; 2. The action of moving rhythmically to music with a partner, a skill which a woman possesses naturally, but which a man acquires only for the short time in his young adulthood when he wishes to meet and impress young women, and abandons thereafter due to mysterious knee injuries.

Dancing: 1. The art of pulling your feet away faster than your partner can step on them; 2. Vertical expression of a horizontal idea legalized by music.

Dancing Baloney: Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. “This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help.”

Dandelion: Well dressed king of the jungle.

Dandruff: Chips off the old block.

Daniel: The founder of the Lions Club.

Dare: Not here.

 Dark Ages: Knight time.

Dark Corner: A place where men get bright ideas.

Dark Glasses: A device to make the obscure feel important.

Data Smog: Electronic information (i.e. e-mail, internet searches) which, by its volume, impairs performance and increases stress.

Date: 1. An organized meeting between two people who have yet to realize their dislike for each other; 2. Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

Dating: 1. An elaborate prelude to mating that fulfills much the same function as the sniffing ritual in dogs, but without its forthright honesty; 2. The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

Daughter: A person who Dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who Mom is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her.

David And Goliath: Prophet and loss.

Dayum: (Southern) A cuss word Rhett Butler used in “Gone With the Wind.” Usage: “Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum.”

Dead Ringer: A disconnected telephone.

Dead Tree Edition: The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: “The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle.”

Deadline: 1. An arbitrary moment responsible for creating the fine line between a paycheque and a pink slip; 2. Perimeter of a cemetery.

Death: 1. To stop sinning suddenly; 2. Life's way of telling you you've been fired; 3. A breath-taking experience.

Death by Tweakage: When a product or project fails due to unnecessary tinkering or too many last-minute revisions.

Debasement: It's de area under de house.

Debate: What lures de fishes.

Debate: Babble instead of battle.

Debauchee: One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.

Debt: 1. A trap which a man sets and baits himself, and then deliberately gets into; 2. The only thing that expands in proportion as it is contracted.

Debts: The certain outcome of an uncertain income.

Debugger: A roach motel.

Debugging: Removing needles from a haystack.

Debut: De part of the body you must park to be seated.

Debutante: 1. A bareback with greenbacks; 2. A young girl with bride ideas; 3. Girl who goes out a vision and comes in a sight; 4. One who comes out at eighteen and gets up at twelve; 5. One who lives a date-to-date existence; 6. A girl who’s in all day and out all night.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

De-caffeinated: What a cow gets when it has a baby.

Decaflon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Decagon: 1. De way you explain how your vehicle was a total washout in an accident; 2. What termites can do to a wooden ship.

Decay: 1. De letter which comes after de J; 2. The 11th letter of the alphabet.

Decease: The oceans.

Deceitful: Infant who needs changing.

Decency: Indecency’s conspiracy of silence.

Decide: You'll find this just around from defront.

Decline: Nudists in formation.

Deduce: (Southern) De lowest card in de deck.

Deep-loma: For diving school graduates.

Default Directory: Black hole - where all files that you need disappear to.

Defeated Politician: Like the earth - flattened at the polls.

Defeatism: Saying die.

Defenceless: Unable to attack.

Defer: To remove cat fur from the sofa.

Deferral: Don't hold your breath.

Deficit: What you have when you don't have as much as if you had nothing.

Define: De thing you get for breaking de law.

Definition: A statement intended to put a word in its place.

Deformation: A football formation.

Deifenestration: To throw all talk of God out the window.

Déjŕ Loo: The feeling of having been to this restroom once too often.

Déjŕ Moo: The feeling that you've stepped in this bull before.

Déjŕ Nu: Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

 Delay: The greatest remedy for anger.

Delayed Payment: A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Delegate-At-Large: A man at a convention whose wife didn’t accompany him.

Deliberate: To take back to prison.

Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

Delinquent Children: Those who have reached the age where they want to do what mama and papa are doing.

 Delirious: Acting very giddy while ordering corned beef, pastrami, salami and tongue sandwiches.

Delirium Tremens: The wages of gin.

Deliver: An organ in de body.

Delta: A river with its mouth full of mud.

 Deluge: De reason de luge got cancelled.

Delusion: The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters.

Deluxe: Mediocre in a big way.

Demagogue: 1. A man who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots; 2. A man who can rock the boat himself and persuade everybody else that there is a terrible storm at sea.

Democracy: 1. A country where you can say what you think without thinking; 2. A form of religion – the worship of jackals by jackasses; 3. A land where you are free to choose your own form of government – blonde, brunette, or redhead; 4. A place where you can say what you please, but don’t have to listen unless you want to; 5. A small hard core of common agreement, surrounded by a rich variety of individual difference; 6. A state of mind in which every man is as good as every other man, provided he really is; 7. A system whereby the person who never votes can cuss out the man the other people elected; 8. That form of society, no matter what its political classification, in which every man has a chance and knows that he has it; 9. The recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time; 10. The theory that common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard; 11. Must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

Demoted: When the water around the castle is drained.

Denial: 1. A river in Egypt; 2. How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.

Denominator: De one who puts forward da candidate.

Denounce: (Southern) Words that name things (not de verbs, de adjectives).

Dental Parlour: A drawing room.

Dentist: 1. A collector of old magazines; 2. A man who lives from hand to mouth; 3. A person who runs a filling station; 4 A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket; 5. One who tickles the ivories.

Dentist’s Oath: “The tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.”

Dentist Office: A filling station.

Dentistry: A medical science concerning the teeth and gums, unknown in England.

Dentures: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.

Deoderant: 1. Not dis ant; 2. De ant dat won't use antiperspirant.

Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

Department Store Detective: Counter spy.

Dependent: De triangle banner de school puts de name on.

Depression: 1. A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of; 2. A period in which you have no belt to tighten (Recession: A period in which you tighten your belt); 3. Melancholy minus its charms; 4. When you lose your job (Recession: when your neighbour loses their job).

Depth: Height turned upside down.

Dermatologist: Person who makes rash judgments.

Desertion: The poor man’s divorce.

Design: What you regret not doing later on.

Desire: 1. The key that opens the door when opportunity knocks; 2. The thing that is so often nipped in the budget.

Desk: 1. A waste basket with drawers; 2. A dangerous place from which to view the world.

Deskfast: Breakfast designed to be eaten conveniently at one's workstation (i.e. A nice clean clinical muesli bar, not a greasy cooked breakfast). Related to “no-think food”, “one-handed food”, and “commuter food”.

Despair: The price one pays for setting oneself an impossible aim.

Desparation: Teethmarks on the toilet door.

Despise: De persons who work for de CIA.

Despotism: The right to be wrong.

Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.

Determination: End of the bus route.

 

Deterrence: The art of producing, in the mind of the enemy, the fear to attack.

Detest: De thing de teacher gives you at de time you are least ready.

Detour: 1. Something that lengthens your mileage, diminishes your gas, and strengthens your vocabulary; 2. The roughest distance between two points; 3. What you take to de Museum.

Devine: What de grape grows on.

Devote: What politicians depend on.

 Diagnosis: A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse.

Dialogue: Changing the colour of a piece of wood.

Diamond: 1. A bright gem, the sparkle of which sometimes renders a woman stone-blind to the effects of the man proffering it; 2. A stepping stone in every girls’ life; 3. A woman’s idea of a stepping stone to success; 4. Nothing harder except making the payments on one; 5. One of the hardest substances known to man – especially to get back; 6. A hunk of coal that stuck to its job; 7. A piece of coal that made good under pressure.

Diamond Cutter: One who mows the grass at the ball park.

Diaper: 1. A bum wrap; 2. A changeable seat cover.

Diaphragm: A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.

Diary: Penned-up emotion.

Diatonic: A low-calorie Schweppes.

Diatribe: 1. An extinct race; 2. The group of native Brits that worship the late Princess Diana.

Dictator: 1. A self-madman; 2. One who thinks he can take it – no matter to whom it belongs.

Dictatorship: 1. A place where public opinion can’t even be expressed privately; 2. A system of government where everything that isn’t forbidden is obligatory.

Dictionary: The only place where: 1. Divorce comes before marriage; 2. Success comes before work.

Did: (Southern) Not alive. Usage: “He's did, Jim.”

Die: 1. To stop sinning suddenly; 2. The singular of 'dice.' We seldom hear the word because there is a prohibitory proverb, 'Never say die.' At long intervals, however, someone says, 'The die is cast,' which is not true, for it is cut.

Diet: 1. A short period of starvation preceding a gain of five pounds; 2. Something to take the starch out of you; 3. Something you keep putting off while you keep putting on; 4. A brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds; 5. A selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it; 6. A system of starving yourself to death so you can live a little longer; 7. A penalty for exceeding the feed limit; 8. A triumph of mind over platter.

Diet Drink/Soda: A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Diet Planner: A fast talker.

Dieters: A word to the wides is sufficient.

Dieting: 1. The penalty for exceeding the feed limit; 2. The triumph of mind over platter; 3. Corporal downsizing; 3. The time when a man is happy to see his spare tire go flat.

Difficult: That which can be done immediately (Impossible: that which takes a little longer).

Digital: Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.

Digital Control: What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

Digital Native: A person who grows up using digital media and communications systems, and thus has complete familiarity with them.

Digital Signature: Fingerprints.

Dignity: 1. Something that can’t be preserved in alcohol; 2. The capacity to hold back on the tongue what never should have been on the mind in the first place.

Dijon Vu: The same mustard as before.

Dikshunry: The book that helps you write 'right' or 'write' right.

Dilate: To live longer.

 Dilatory: Hotline of British Conservative Party.

Dilemma: A politician trying to save both his faces at once.

Dilettante: A philanderer who seduces the several arts and deserts each in turn for another.

Dime: A dollar with all the taxes taken out.

Dim Sum: What you get when your calculator batteries run low.

Diminished Fifth: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

Diner: A chew-chew car.

Dining Room: The place where the family eats while painters are doing over the kitchen.

Dinosaur: 1. A colossal fossil; 2. How a giant lizard feels after a tough workout; 3. What Dino does when you shoot him out of a catapult.

DIOS: The one true operating system.

Dioxin: What you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle.

DIP Switch: How my sister gets a new boyfriend.

Diploma: 1. Da man dat fixes your pipes; 2. A job-hunting license.

Diplomacy: 1. A peaceful substitute for shooting; 2. Cutting the other fellow’s throat without using a knife; 3. Lying in state; 4. The ability to take something and make the other fellow believe he is giving it away; 5. The art of handling a porcupine without disturbing the quills; 6. The art of laying down the law gently enough to keep it from being broken; 7. The art of letting someone else have your own way; 8. The art of saying “Nice doggie!” until you can find a rock; 9. The art of skating on thin ice without getting into deep water; 10. The art of turning a dropped stitch into a loophole; 11. A blend of protocol, alcohol, and Geritol; 12. The fine art of convincing one's wife that she looks fat wearing a mink coat; 13. The art of saying nothing nicely; 14. The art of saying something when you have nothing to say, or of saying nothing when you have something to say; 15. Telling your boss he has an open mind instead of telling him he has holes in his head; 16. The patriotic art of lying for one's country; 17. The art of letting someone else get your way.

Diplomat: 1. A fellow who prefers ironing out his differences to flattening his opponent; 2. A gent who thinks twice before he says nothing; 3. A man who can convince his wife that she would look fat in a fur coat; 4. A man who has learned that you can’t bend a nail by hitting it squarely on the head; 5. A man who remembers a woman’s birthday but forgets her age; 6. A man who tries to settle problems created by other diplomats; 7. A person who can be disarming even though his country isn’t; 8. A person who can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue; 9. A person who can keep a civil tongue in his cheek; 10. A person who does not think it necessary to understand things in order to argue about them; 11. A person who says, “I will take the matter under advisement,” instead of “no.”; 12. If you have the advantage over someone, and you lead him to think that he has the advantage over you, without giving him the chance to take advantage of you; 13. One who can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans; 14. One who can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest; 15. One who can yawn with his mouth closed; 16. A rabbit in a silk hat; 17. A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Diplo-mutt: A politician's dog.

Director: The one who always faces the music.

Dirt: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Disappointment: When they call to tell you the Doctor had an emergency.

Disaster: What the meat slicer did when the butcher's wife backed into it.

Disband: When members of a rock group fall out with one another.

Disbelief: How you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is.

Disc Jockey: 1. One who earns his living by putting on airs; 2. A guy who lives on spins and needles.

Discharged Record Spinner: A slipped disc jockey.

Disclose: De opposite of dat far away.

Disco: A din of iniquity.

Discount: Something often sold in place of goods.

Discouragement: Seeing the secretary yawn over one of your snappy salesmanship letters.

Discretion: 1. A comb that experience hands us after we have lost our hair; 2. A sense that comes to a man too late to do him any good; 3. Closing your eyes to a situation before someone closes them for you; 4. When you are sure you are right and then ask your wife.

Discussion: 1. A method of confirming others in their errors; 2. An exchange of knowledge (see also Argument - an exchange of ignorance).

Disengendered: To be without gender. See Eunuch.

Disguise: Such pains. Always troubling dismisses.

Dish-posable Diaper: A diaper made out of paper plates.

Dishtemper: What family members suffer from after dinner.

 Disinheritance: Heir cut.

Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

 Diskakantude: Looking like one isn't involved while one's dog goes to the bathroom on a neighbour's lawn.
Dismay: In the spring.

Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

Disoriyenta: When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

Disrespect: Giving someone half of the peace sign without suggesting they’re number one.

Distance: 1. That which lends enchantment to the view, but not when you run out of gas; 2. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep.

Distant Relative: 1. A relative who owes you money; 2. One who can be very distant - especially when he has lots of money; 3. Someone who is not living with you.

Distinct: How a child says something smelled bad.

District of Columbia: A territory bounded on all sides by the United States of America.

Divisor: What you wear on da head to protect from da sun.

Divorce: 1. Going through a change of wife; 2. Hash made from domestic scraps; 3. What results when the bonds of matrimony no longer bear interest; A splitting headache; 4. Long division; 5. The price people pay for playing with matches; 6. The screwing you get for the screwing you got; 7. Future tense of marriage.

Divorce Court: A hall of blame.

Divorcee: A woman who gets richer by decrees.

DIYD˛ or (DIYD)2: Damned if you do, damned if you don't (pronounced DIYD squared).

Doctor: 1. A guy who tells you if you don’t cut out something he’ll cut something out of you; 2. A man who keeps telling children to eat more and parents to eat less; 3. A man who suffers from good health; 4. One who kills you today to prevent you from dying tomorrow; 5. A man who has his tonsils, adenoids, and appendix; 6. A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills; 7. Someone who practices medicine but charges as if he knew; 8. The only man who hasn't a guaranteed cure for a cold; 9. A person who tries hard not to let her job make her sick.

Doctors' Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the Doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Doctor’s Prescription: Something written on a subway train with a post office pen.

Doctor’s TV Series: “Of Human Bandage”

Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words.

Documentation: 1. Describes the way the program used to be, or perhaps the way it should have been; 2.  Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons.

 

Dog: 1: The only friend you can buy for money; 2. A yes-animal, very popular with people who can't afford to keep a yes-man; 3. An intelligent four-footed animal who walks around with some dope on the end of his leash.

Dog Kennel: A barking lot.

Dog Pound: A used cur lot.

Dogfooding: From the saying, “We eat our own dog food” to mean one uses their own products. One such example of dogfooding is the military phenomena of “friendly fire” where the same army shoots the bullet and is hit by that same projectile.

Doggerel: 1. A little pooch; 2. Poetry without pedigree.

Doghouse: Falling-out shelter.

Dogma: 1: A canine parent; 2. A puppy's mother.

Dogmatic: Run by canine power.

Dogmatism: Puppyism come to its full growth.

Doing: The noise a spring makes.

Do-it-yourself: Enthusiast; a varnishing Canadian.

Dollar: The jack of all trades.

Dollar Sign: An S that’s been double-crossed.

Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt some place stupid.

Dollar Sign: An S that has been double-crossed.

Domestic Argument: One after which the husband either goes to his club or reaches for it.

Domestic Harmony: Music produced only if the husband plays second fiddle.

Domestic Service: Doing housework for $75 a week (doing it for nothing is called matrimony).

Donation: A country full of female deer.

Donkey: 1. Instrument to get you into the godfather's house; 2. The most difficult key to turn.

Donut Factory Manager: A person who has charge of the hole works.

Donut: Cop bait.

Donuts: The only non-negotiable element to a successful meeting.

Doomed: You have created a product that will forever improve the quality of life for every living soul on Earth. Then Micro$oft notices you.

Doorman: A genius who can open the door of your car with one hand, help you in with the other, and still have one left for the tip.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Dorito Syndrome: Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content.

Dorm: Student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8 a.m. classes.

Dorm Room: A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people.

DOS: 1. An operating system used by lemmings; 2. By far the most popular computer. Mac users, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Dots: Symbols, which, in the modern novel, mean proceed at your own risqué.

Dotsam: The Internet's wasteland of abandoned Web sites, Hotmail accounts, blogs, wMySpace pages, etc., that their creators have ignored for months/years - but are still accessible on the Web.

Double Bogie: Casablanca followed by African Queen.


Double Crosser: 1. A man who acts like a skunk and hopes nobody will get wind of it; 2. Someone with a great sense of two-timing.

Double Decker Bed: A lot of bunk.

Double Jeopardy: When your doctor calls in a consulting physician.

Doubles: 1. Tennis game played by athletic couples who wish to burn a few calories while arguing; 2. Size of drinks they order afterward.

Doughnut Disturb: Sign on the outside of a police patrol car window.

Doughnuts: 1. Rolling Scones; 2. The only nuts with holes in them.

Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

Draft Board: 1. Where young men are weighed and found wanted; 2. The world's largest travel agency.

 Draft Dodger: Someone who avoids beer on tap.

Dragonfly: Bug that knights like to fight.

Drainage: How old is the sewer?

Drama Critic: 1. A person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant; 2. A person who leaves no turn unstoned.

Dramatic: What you go through to get a parasite off your dog's back.

Dramatic Critic: One who gives the best jeers of his life to the theatre.

Draw: A term used to describe the result of a battle between a dentist and a patient.

Dreadful Actor: An abominable showman.

Dream In Colour: When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Dreamer: One who waits for something to turn up – whereas a doer turns up something while waiting.

Dreams: 1: The fool ideas of the day before yesterday that have become the commonplace miracles of today; 2. Answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask.

Dress: Woman's constant endeavor to improve on her skin.

 

Dressage: How old her dress is.

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

Drill Sergeant: An army dentist.

Drill Team: A group of dentists who work together.

Drinking: 1. Act which does not drown your sorrows – only irrigates them; 2. Something which makes one lose his inhibitions and give exhibitions.

Drinking Glass: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

Driver (Careful): The fellow who has made the last payment on his car.

Driveway: Where your husband will sit, in his idling automobile, honking the horn and yelling, while you try to get ready to go out.

Driving Range: A place where golfers go to get all the good shots out of their systems.

DRM: Digitally Removed Music.

Drool: What you do when your Mom and Dad have food and you don't. You must sit as close as you can and look sad, and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.

Drug Store: 1. A telephone with a business attached; 2. The poor man’s country club.

Druggist: The piller of society.

Drunk: 1. The future of drink; 2. Feeling sophisticated but unable to pronounce it.

Drunkard: 1. A man who knows his capacity but gets drunk before he reaches it; 2. Human prune - the more he is soaked, the more he swells.

Dry Ice: A carbon dioxymoron.

Dubm Blonde: A Peroxymoron.

 Dubm Waiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Dubmerol: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

Dubmographics: Statistical data that describes the consumer segment stupid enough to purchase your competitor's overpriced, poor-quality product or service.
 

Duchy: A Dutch lady who marries a duke.

Dude: Past tense of to do.

Dude Ranch: Where a guy who is rich enough to drive a Cadillac rides a horse.

Due Date: What seems light-years away.

Duel: 1. Pistols for two; breakfast for one; 2. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two enemies.

Dufi: The plural of dufus.

Dulcet: A boring tennis match.

Dull: It's always dullest just before the yawn.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Dumpster Diving: The salvaging of household food items from the stock which has been thrown away (by a shop or supermarket) into a dumpster.

Duodenum: Two people wearing jeans.

Durable Goods: Those that last longer than the time payments.

Dusk: Brief twilight period that separates the time when fish don't bite because they can see the line from the time when fish don't bite because they can't see the lure.

Dust: 1. Mud with the juice squeezed out; 2. Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

Dust Rags: Dad's Underwear.

Dutch Treat: When two businessmen have dinner and each uses his own expense account.

Duty: 1. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire; 2. What one expects from others, not what one does oneself; 3. What the normal man looks forward to with distaste, does with reluctance, and boasts about forever after.

Dysfunctional Family: Used by psychologists to described any household occupied by two or more related individuals.

Dyslexia: 1. Dyslexics have more fnu!; 2. Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Dyslexic Paranoid: One who is always afraid that he's following somebody.

Dyslexus: The inability to distinguish between a BMW and a Mercedes.

Dyspeptic: A man that can eat his cake and have it too.

Dyspupsia: Being sick as a dog.

 E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is 10 times harder than any known drill bit.

Ear: 1. A place where kids store dirt; 2. (Southern) A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He can't breathe... give 'em some ear!”

Eardrum: Drum that can be broken but never played.

Earlier: A moment ago when you weren't paying attention.

Early Rising: Triumph of mind over mattress.

Early winter: Novemberrrrr.

Earth: 1. A solid substance, much desired by the seasick; 2. A minor planet with major problems.

Earth's Fault: To blame for an earthquake.

 

Earthquake: A topographical error.

Earwig: False hair that comes down over the ears.

Easter Millinery: Hatrocities.

Easy: Used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

Easy Chair: The hardest one to find empty.

Easy Payments: The ones that are easier said than done.

Easy Street: The route of all evil.

Eat: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

Eavesdropper: A woman who loves to listen in, but not as much as she loves to talk out.

Eccentric: 1. A man too rich to be called crazy ; 2. One who minds his own business.

Eccentricity: A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.

Echo: 1. No sooner said than said; 2. The only thing that can cheat a woman out of the last word.

Eclipse: 1. What an English barber does for a living; 2. What you use to hold two pieces of paper together; 3. What a gardener does to a hedge.

 ECNALUBMA: A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

Economics: College professor talk for “What happened to the money in the cookie jar?”

Economies of Scale: The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies.

Economist: 1. A man who knows more about money than the people who have it; 2. A man who tells you what to do with your money after you have done something else with it; 3. One who takes a lot of unwarranted assumptions and reaches a foregone conclusion; 4. A man who can save money by cutting down some other person’s expense.

Economy: 1. A way to spend money without getting any fun out of it; 2. Denying ourselves a necessity today in order to buy a luxury tomorrow; 3. Living within your means even if you have to borrow money to do so; 4. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

Ecotechnology: Technology that produces environmentally sustainable outcomes (i.e. water treatment, building construction, and land remediation).

Ecrastinate: Checking your e-mail just one more time.

Ecstasy: 1. Something that happens between the Scotch and soda and the bacon and eggs; 2. Happiness with its clothes off.

 

Ecumenism: Getting to know the opposite sects.

 Eczema: Former wife of your father.

Edible: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

Editor: 1. The fellow who makes a long story short; 2. A newspaper employee whose function is to separate the wheat from the chaff and see that the chaff is printed; 3. A literary barber.

Educate: To render harmless by cultivation.

Educated Man: One who has finally discovered that there are some questions to which nobody has the answers.

Educated Person: One who voluntarily does more thinking than is necessary for his own survival.

Education: 1. A debt due from present to future generations; 2. Forcing abstract ideas into concrete heads; 3. That mysterious process whereby information passes from the lecture notes of the professor through the pen and onto the notebook; 4. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding; 5. What a father gets when he sits in on a conversation with a group of teenagers; 6. What’s left over after you’ve gotten the facts; 7. What you have left over when you subtract what you’ve forgotten from what you learned; 8. A technique employed to open minds so that they may go from cocksure ignorance to thoughtful uncertainty; 9. The transmission of civilization; 10. A progressive discovery of our own ignorance; 11. One of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get; 12. The development of the memory at the expense of the imagination.

Education Budget: Money you allocate each month for movies and magazines.

Efficiency: 1. The ability to do a job well, plus the desire to do it better; 2. The knack of getting somebody to do a job you don’t like.

Efficiency Expert: 1. A man smart enough to tell you how to run your business and too smart to start his own; 2. A man who knows less about your business than you do and gets paid more for telling you how to run it than you could possibly make out of it, even if you ran it right instead of the way he told you to; 3. A man who walks in his sleep so that he can get his rest and his exercise at the same time; 4. One who always has to make up a foursome before passing through a revolving door.

Egg: A day's work for a hen.

Egghead: 1. A brainy student who studies all the time and gets straight A's; 2. That same student once you've dropped eggs on him from the roof of the science lab.

Ego: 1. I-dolatry; 2. Some spark within us which leads us to believe that we are better than we are, and which is often instrumental in proving it; 3. The only thing that can keep on growing without nourishment; 4. That part of the psyche that realizes there is an outside world filled with idiots.

Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases & print media, looking for references to one's own name.

 

Ego Trip: Stumbling over your own feet.

Egotism: 1. An anaesthetic that nature gives to a man to deaden the pain of being a darn fool; 2. Self-confidence looking for trouble; 3. Something that enables the man in a rut to think he’s in the groove; 4. Usually just a case of mistaken non-entity; 5. Self-intoxication.

Egotist: 1. A guy who suffers from I strain; 2. A conceited ass who thinks he knows as much as you do; 3. A fellow who certainly knows a good thing when he says it; 4. A man who thinks that a woman will marry him for himself alone; 5. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me; 6. A person who persists in telling you things about himself that you had planned on telling him about yourself; 7. One who is always me-deep in conversation; 8. One who thinks that if he hadn’t been born, people would wonder why; 9. One whose eyes look in instead of out; 10. Someone who thinks all the world is a stooge; 11. One more interested in himself than in you; 12. A guy who is me-deep in conversation.

Eiffel Tower: The Empire State Building after taxes.

Elastic Band: An old rock group that keeps bouncing back.

Elastiphobia: Fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for “Most Stretch Marks.”

Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Elderberry: Wisest fruit on the branch.

Elderly Wolf: Jill collector with jack.

Electile Dysfunction: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.

Electoral College: Institute of higher yearning.

Electric Eel: Fish that thrives in strong currents.

Electrician: A person who wires for money.

Electrocardiograph: Ticker tape.

Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all modern improvements.

Electronica: The broad array of music created electronically.

Electroplate: What atomic scientists eat their dinner from.

Elegance: Forgetting what one is wearing.

Element: A pachyderm.

Elephant: 1. The largest living ants; 2. A useful animal with a vacuum cleaner in front and a rug beater at the back.

Elevator: A metal container used to move sardines up and down.

Elitism: It's not for everyone.

Elixir: What a dog does to his owner when she gives him a bone.

Eloquence: Logic on fire.

Elvis Year: The peak year of popularity. As in “1993 was Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year.”

e-mail: An advertising medium which is misused for personal messaging.

Embarrassed: Emmy's condition after losing her pants.

 

Embezzlement: Bankers away!

Embezzler: One who soils the till.

 

Employment Agency: Where people are put in their place.

Empty Nest: See “Wishful Thinking”.

Emptynestrogen: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Emulate: What people do when they copy the movements of a very large Australian bird.

Emulsion: A mixture of oil and emotion.

Encore: What your wife will want after sex on your wedding night.

Encumber: The watery bit in the middle of a cucumber.

Encryption: What the undertaker duz to ya.

 Encyclopedia: 1. A motorcycle for smart people; 2. A collection of books which at the moment of printing were incomplete in their collection of all human knowledge, which can be stacked and stood on to reach the peanut butter on the top shelf of your kitchen cabinets.

Endless: The time it takes for others to find out how wonderful you are.

Endless Loop: See Loop, Endless.

 Endless Love: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

Endorse: The opposite of outdoors.

End-user Upgrade: Tech-sounding term for training.

Enema: Not a friend.

Energy: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

Engagement: 1. A period in which a girl is placed in solitaire confinement; 2. A period of urge on the verge of a merge; 3. The time a girl takes until she finds out if she can do any better.

Engineers: What locomotives hear with.

Engineer's Estimate: The cost of construction in heaven.

English Channel: The BBC.

English Wrestling Champion: A lord of the ring.

Enough: The End.

Enthusiast: One who preaches four times as much as he believes, and believes four times as much as a sane man ought to.

Entrance Exam: Precoital check-up.

Entremanure: People who start real crappy dot com companies.

Entrepreneur: What you're called when you don't have a job.

Entry Level: Pays nothing.

Epigram: 1. A half-truth so stated to irritate the person who believes the other half; 2. Truth on a “binge.”

Episiotomy: Cutting a wide birth.

Epistle: The wife of an apostle.

Epitaph: 1. A belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been permanently discontinued; 2. A statement that lies above the one that lies beneath; 3. A monumental lie.

Epochodor: The smell of history found at museums.

Equestrian: One who asks questions.

Equine Influenza: A viral respiratory disease which causes flu-like symptoms in horses.

Era: Spelling mistake.

Eraser: Chinese corrector’s item.

Erection: When Japanese go to vote.

Error: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to “just look.”

Error Message: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

Erudite: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.

Erudition: Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

Escape Sequence: Distract guard. Dig tunnel. Cut through fence...

Eskimos: 1. People who, after a few months of work, call it a day; 2. God's frozen people.

Esophagus: The author of Aesop’s Fables.

ESP N: Programming for psychics.

Esplanade:  To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Estates: Acreage in the country owned by people who have “gone to town.”

Et Tu Brute: I like your after shave.

Etc.: A sign, when used, makes others believe you know more than you do.

Eternal Struggle: Keeping your earning capacity up to your wife’s yearning capacity.

Eternal Triangle: Diapers.

Ethernet: A device to catch the Ether Bunny.

Eternity: 1. The last two minutes of a football game; 2. The time between you coming and her going.

Etiquette: 1. A convenient code of conduct which makes lying a virtue and snobbishness a righteous deed; 2. Learning to yawn with your mouth closed; 3. The noise you don’t make while eating soup; 4. Knowing which finger to put in your mouth when you whistle for the waiter.

Etlanna: (Southern) Atlanta... Hotlanta to the locals.

Eucalyptus: What male male babies would say to their mohels.

Eulogy: 1: Praise that’s too much and too late; 2. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

Eunuch: One who is cut off from temptation.

Euphemisms: Unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne.

 

Eureka: Euphemism for “You smell bad.”

Euronating: What “spending a penny” (using a public pay toilet) will become if the UK joins the single currency.

 

Europe: Next one to bat.

Everwhichaways: (Southern) To be scattered in all directions. Usage: “You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichaways.”

 Euthanasia: 1. Generally more proficient at math and science than euthaamerica; 2. Children in the Far East.

Evaporation: The cause of perfume disappearing. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

Eve: The first chicken to ruin a man’s garden.

Evening Dress: More gone than gown.

Event: He did not stay.

Event Tree: Visual representation of all the events occurring in a system, showing the links between them so that, as the number of events increases, the whole resembles the branches of a tree. Used to identify pathways to desired outcomes.

Evil: A good or truth misplaced.

Evolution: What makes the chimpanzee in the zoo ask, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”

Ex-King: One who has come in out of the reign.

Ex Libris: I changed my astrological sign.

Exact: What eggs do on stage.

Exaggerating: What your former spouse is doing in court to get a better settlement.

Exaggeration: 1. A truth that has lost its temper; 2. Formal term for a collection of fishermen (i.e. an exaggeration of anglers).

Excellence: The gradual result of always striving to do better.

Exchequer: Retired supermarket cashier.

Excise: The clothes hanging in your closet that fit before the holidays.

Exclamation Point: A period that has blown its top.

Excuse Me: One of Mom's favourite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

Executive: 1. A big gun – that hasn’t been fired yet; 2. An under-worked, over-paid person who is in over their head; 3. A fellow who goes out and finds something that needs to be done - then finds someone willing to pay for it – then hires somebody to do it; 4. A person who can take two hours for lunch without anybody missing him; 5. A man who goes around with a worried look on the face of his assistant; 6. A man who talks to visitors so the other employees can get their work done; 7. One who makes a prompt decision and is sometimes right; 8. A person who follows his work schedule to a tee; 9. A person who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course.

Executive Ability: The art of getting the credit for all the hard work that somebody else does.

 

Executive Shakeup: Title wave.

Executive Suite: A sugar daddy.

Executrix: A call girl for CEOs.

Exercise: 1. A dirty word that compels you to wash your mouth out with chocolate; 2. Droop therapy; 3. The Yuppie version of bulimia; 4. The joy of flex; 5. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Exergaming: The playing of video games that require the gamers to undertake physical exercise, such as those in which the players engage in an interactive virtual bicycle race on screen by pedaling on a bicycle simulator which drives the visualization.

Exhale: Like frozen rain, except that it's now turned slushy.

Exhaustion: Sufficient cause for the hospitalization of a celebrity - the normal state of existence for the rest of the working world.

Exhibitionist: A person who discards three aces in strip poker.

Exit: How you mark the spot.

Exorcism: The unspooken word.

Exotic Dancer: A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.

Expedite: To compound confusion with commotion.

 Expense Account: Account deceivables.

Experience: 1. A form of knowledge acquired only two ways: by doing and being done; 2. A name given to our mistakes; 3. A revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age; 4. The name an older man gives to his mistakes; 5. Not what happens to me, but what a man does with what happens to him; 6. The mistakes we like to remember; 7. What you get from being inexperienced; 8. What you get while looking for something else; 9. What causes a person to make new mistakes instead of the same old ones; 10. What you imagine you have until you get more; 11. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced; 12. Something you can't get unless you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it; 13. Knowing all the things you shouldn't; 14. Something you don't get until just after you needed it; 15. The thing you have left when everything else is gone.

Expert: 1. A fellow who has made a lot of good guesses; 2. A man from another city, and the farther away that city is, the greater the expert; 3. A man wearing a tie and an important look on his face who knows how to complicate simplicity; 4. A man who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy; 5. A man who is seldom in doubt, but often in error; 6. An ordinary man away from home; 7. Any person who has tried and failed – and can tell you why; 8. A person who not only knows all the answers but can think up problems to fit them; 9. One who can take something you already knew and make it sound confusing; 10. One who knows more and more about less and less; 11. One who tells you to do something exactly the way you decided to do it before you asked him; 12. One who knows all the answers, if you ask the right questions; 13. A person who knows enough to complicate simple matters; 14. Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame; 15. A person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.

Explanation: Lie. (see also Convincing Explanation)

Explosion: Result of experiment.

Exposed In The End: Those who get too big for their britches.

Exposition: The location of yolks on your plate.

Extinct: A dead skunk.

Extra Credit: What you wish you had on your credit card.

Extraterrestaurant: An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on.

Extravagance: Anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.

Extravagant Girl: One who usually makes a poor mother and a bankrupt father.

Eye: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

Eye Contact: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

Eyebrows: What I do when I go shopping.

Eyedropper: 1. A clumsy ophthalmologist; 2. A very, very careless person.

Eyes: Double feature.

 F: A grade that can usually be altered to look like a “B” on a test paper.

Fable: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

Facetious: Followers of Mussolini.

Facial Mapping: Identification of a person (from a photograph, video footage), by comparing key features of the face in the image with those of the person.

Factory: A set of encyclopedias.

Fad: 1. Something that goes in one era and out the other; 2. In one year and out the other; 3. A folly committed by enough of the right people to confer upon it the badge of status.

Faddict: Someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.

Faggot: A lady maggot.

Failure: 1. The quickest method known for making money; 2. The line of least persistence; 3. A one-armed man trying to climb a rope; 4. One who never puts things over because he is always putting things off; 5. The opportunity to begin again - more wisely; 6. One who succeeded in failing; 7. Hired, tired, mired, fired.

Failures: 1: The battle scars of those who tried; 2. Fingerposts on the road to achievement.

Fairway: 1. The well-kept and seldom used portion of a golf course; 2. Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.

Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.

Faith: 1. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge of things without parallel; 2. Illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

Fake Bake: The brand name a for sunless tanning solution that comes in lotion, spray, mousse and lip gloss. It’s also another name for indoor tanning salons.

Fall: The season when your wife buys new winter clothes so she will have something to wear when she goes out shopping for spring outfits.

False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine.

False Economy: using only 30 candles on her 40th birthday cake.

False Pregnancy: Labouring under a misconception.

 

Falsehood: Someone who pretends to be a gangster.

Falsies: 1. Hidden persuaders; 2. A helpful aid to any girl in acquiring a disappointed husband; 3. A sort of hope chest; 4. Making mountains out of molehills; 5. Delusions of glandeur.

Fame: 1. Chiefly a matter of dying at the right moment; 2. The advantage of being known to those who do not know us; 3. The best way to rise to its dizzy heights is to stay on the level; 4. A unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold; 5. The perfume of heroic deeds.

Family Friendly: To dumb-down a performance to the point where only a person of five could enjoy it.

Family Planning: 1. Having all your children while their grandparents are still young enough to be babysitters; 2. The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Family Swimming Pool: A small body of water completely surrounded by other people's children.

Family Tree: The only tree whose branches seek the shelter of its roots.

Famous: Conspicuously miserable.

Famous Last Words: “This is easy!”

Fan Belt: What a soccer fan uses to keep his trousers up.

Fanatic: 1. A man who does what God would do – if He only had the facts straight; 2. One who can’t change his opinion and won’t change the subject; 3. One who is highly enthusiastic about something in which you are not even remotely interested; 4. One who redoubles his efforts after he has forgotten his objectives.

Fanaticism: Redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim.

 Fancy Restaurant: One that serves cold soup on purpose.

FAQ: (Southern) Used with U, wut you yell when someone cuts ya off.

Far: (Southern) A state of combustion that produces heat and light; a conflagration. Usage: (1) “Ah reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs.” (2) “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

Farm: What a city man dreams of at 5 P.M., never at 5 A.M.

Farmer: 1. A handy man with a sense of humus; 2. The only man who can lose money every year, live well, educate his children, and then die rich; 3. A man who is outstanding in his field.

Farmers: Men successful only if they sell their farms to golf clubs.

Farn: (Southern) Not local. Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country.”

Farthing: A distant object.

Farthingale: A cheap hurricane.

Fascism: Goosestepping to the sound of the only drummer.

Fashion: 1. What woman’s dresses will be up to; 2. Something that goes out of style as soon as most people have one; 3. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey; 4. What you adopt when you don't know who you are; 5. Today's rage, tomorrow's chuckle; 6. A racket for selling clothes; 7. A form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months; 8. What one wears oneself - what is unfashionable is what other people wear; 9. A make-work program to get women to buy new clothes for no real reason before the old clothes wear out.

Fast Food Restaurants: Tidy, congenial roadside bistros that clog the nation's highways and the arteries of their patrons.

Fat: Energy gone to waist.

Fat-Finger: To introduce a typo while editing in such a way that the resulting manglification of a configuration file does something useless, damaging, or wildly unexpected.

Father: 1. One who gives the lover his daughter’s hand and hopes he takes the one she’s had in his pocket all this time; 2. An Automatic Teller Machine provided by nature; 3. Someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for snapshots; 4. The kin you love to touch; 5. A guy who is working his son's way through college.

Father-In-Law: 1. The fellow who is now happy to have paid for the wedding because now his wife another man to harass; 2. Dad, in jail.

Father’s Day: The annual day in June set aside so merchants can get rid of their leftover Christmas ties and shaving lotion.

Fauxtography: Manipulation of photographic or video images to convey a false representation of events.

FAX: What you lie about to the I.R.S.

FCS: A software development phrase. Basically, when everyone is sick and tired of trying to fix the bugs in the software, it is sent to manufacturing for disk duplication and packaging. Then First Customer Shipment occurs. Two days later, the Tech Support phone is jammed.

Fear: 1. The lengthened shadow of ignorance; 2. A little dark room where negatives are developed; 3. False Evidence Appearing Real.

 

Feast: An eat wave.

Feather: It flies when it's on and floats when it's off.

Feature Creep: 1. The bloating of software with too many features; 2. A nasty software developer.

Federal Aid: A system of making money taken from the people look like a gift when handed back.

Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Feelawful: Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

Feline: Lawyer's telephone.

Female: One who believes if you charge it, it's not spending, and if you add a cherry to it, it's not intoxicating.

Female Friends: Women mad at the same person.

Females: They get nervous and jumpy during their minstrel periods.

Feminine Wile: Keeping a man at arm’s length by a hair’s breadth.

Fence: 1. The difference between one yard and two yards; 2. Runs around the garden without moving.

Feng Shui: Chinese for “Load of Crap”.

Fern: A plant that you’re supposed to water once a day, and when you don’t it dies, but if you do it dies anyway, only not so soon.

Fervor: Fever with a purpose.

Fettuccine Alfredo: Macaroni and cheese for adults.

FEU: Friggin' End User.

Feudalism: It's your Count that votes.

Few, A: A bit more than two.

Fiber: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.

Fiber-seeking Backhoe: Large, disruptive machines which routinely cut critical backbone links, creating Internet outages and packet over air problems.

Fibrillate: To tell lies.

Fibula: A small lie.

Fiction: 1. Something that can’t hold a scandal to biography; 2. The story told by a completed Income Tax Form; 3. What a teacher thinks of your homework excuses.

Fiddler: A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso who refuses to play a real tune.

Fiddlesticks: Violin bows.

Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

 

Field & Stream: A babbling book.

Fife: Two before seven.

Fig Newton: 1 Fig Newton = 1 kilogram of falling figs.

Fighting Chair: Elaborate, swivel-mounted seat in the stern of a seagoing charter boat in which a saltwater fisherman struggles with his overpowering urge to order the captain to turn around and return to port.

Figure Head: What the bookkeepers considered their lazy boss.

Figured Bass: Female baritone.

File: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

 File Clerk: One skilled in the art of concealment.

Filing Cabinet: 1. A place where you can lose things systematically; 2. A place where you lose things alphabetically.

Film: 1. Truth, 24 times a second; 2. A substance which develops over your eyes after watching the same Bugs Bunny cartoon three times this week.

Film Department: A museum of people who still have the mistaken notion that television is an art.

 

Filmdom: A bad movie.

Filter: Software that corrupts one file format into another. Many e-mail programs offer the capability to filter e-mail directly into the trash.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will.

Finale: Good quality French beer.

Finance Company: An outfit that lives on the flat of the land.

 

Financial Dilemma: A bill pickle.

Financial Planner: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-Eleven for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Financial Wizard: 1. A husband who can pay the last of last month’s bills out of next month’s salary; 2. The man who doesn’t need some extra money at Christmas time; 3. A person who can earn money faster than the family can spend it.

Financier: A pawnbroker with imagination.

 Fine: A tax for doing wrong (see Tax).

 

Fine Print: A clause for suspicion.

Fine Quotation: A diamond on the finger of a man of wit and a pebble in the hand of a fool.

Finery: A hoard of fines.

Finger: What you give a driver who cuts you off.

Fingers: What you can always count on when the going gets tough.

Finite: Sir Lancelot.

Finland: A place where many sharks live.

 

Fire: It makes light of everything.

Fireplace: An office used for discharging people.

Fireproof: The boss's relatives.

Firmness: The admirable quality in ourselves that is detestable stubbornness in others.

First Aid Kit: A cat that works for the Red Cross.

First Grade Teacher: One who knows how to make little things count.

First Inversion: Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.

First Lady: An unpaid public servant elected by one person - her husband.

First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?”

First Love: A little foolishness and a lot of curiosity.

First Trimester: The first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, “Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?”

Fish: 1. An animal that grows fastest between the time it is caught and the time a fisherman describes it to his friends; 2. A creature that goes on vacation about the time most fishermen do; 3. Brain food because it travels in schools.

Fish Fingers: Things that marine animals point at each other.

Fisherman: A sportsman, who sometimes catches a big fish by patience, sometimes by luck, but most often by the tale.

 Fishing: 1. A delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes; 2. A heroic treatment tried by some laymen to avoid falling to sleep in Church on Sunday; 3. A venerable contest in which modern man pits his intelligence and technology against the native wit of primitive aquatic vertebrates, and generally finishes second; 4. A jerk at one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other end; 5. The art of loitering in and around bodies of water in an effort to find food under a false pretense.

Fishing Journal: An imaginative work of sub-literature in which the angler records the weight, length, and species of fish he didn't catch.

Fishing Show: Reel-life TV.

Fishing Trip: Journey undertaken by one or more anglers to a place where no one can remember when it has rained so much.

 

Fission: 1. Where Huck Finn went when he played hookey; 2. “Gone Fission” (Nuclear Power Plant sign)

Fit: An accident in a tailor's shop.

Fitness: Salvation through perspiration.

Fix: (Southern) To take steps in anticipation of an event. Usage: “I'm fixin' to go see a movie.”

Fixed Word Length: Four letter words used by programmers to describe their state of confusion.

Fjord: Norwegian car.

Fjords: Bodies of stjll water between steep clyffs in Njorway.

Flabbergasted:  1. The state you are in when you're overwhelmed by a flabber; 2. Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

 

Flaky Person: A man who loves to be outside when it snows.

Flamenco: A big pink dancing bird.

 

Flamous: Inventor of first lighter fluid.

Flares: (Southern) The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. Usage: “If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares.”

Flashlight: A case for storing dead batteries.

Flatterer: 1. One who says things to your face that he wouldn’t say behind your back; 2. One who convinces you that you are not alone in the way you feel about yourself.

Flattery: 1. The applause that refreshes; 2. A commodity that makes everybody sick except those who swallow it; 3. A sort of verbal peroxide that turns a woman’s head; 4. Cologne water, to be smelled of but not swallowed; 5. Soft soap… and soft soap is 90% lye; 6. The art of pretending you like the girl more than you like the kiss; 7. Phony Express; 8. An insult in gift wrapping; 9. A worn-out electricity source.

Flatulence: 1. The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller; 2. Effect of sitting on your eyeglasses.

 

Flea Market: 1. Where smart dogs refuse to shop; 2. Where dogs go to get their next infestation; 3. Something that starts from scratch.

Flew: Plane sickness.

Flies: 1. Something that spreads disease - keep yours zipped; 2. Chinese for something you buy at McDonalds.

Flight Risk: Employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Flight Schedule: An entertaining work of paperback fiction.

Flipitor: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Flippant: A small, industrious bug on its back.

Flirt: 1. A girl who got the boy you wanted; 2. A woman who believes it’s every man for herself.

Flirtation: 1. A spoon with nothing in it; 2. Paying attention without intention; 3. Wishful winking.

Flog: A blog which is contrived for marketing purposes.

Flood: A river too big for its bridges.

Floodlight: Light brought onto the ark by Noah.

Floor: The only thing that will stop falling hair.

Floor Director: Somebody with the mental acumen of a Fig Newton bar who is still trying to develop manual skills and must be counted to.

Floordrobe: A floor littered with discarded clothes, viewed ironically as a clothing storage system.

Flopcorn: Popcorn kernels that don't pop.

 Floppy: 1. When you run out of Polygrip; 2. The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

 Florists: Petal pushers.

 

Flour: A word by any other name would smell as wheat.

Fly Paper: Stationery they use in airplanes.

Flying: Hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.

 

Flying Buttress: A charging billy goat.

Florida: A place you go in winter, and usually find it.

Flowchart: A graphic representation of a bowl of spaghetti.

Flusploitation: H1N1 snake oil.

Flypaper: What spiders decorate their homes with.

Fobia: The fear of misspelled words.

Focus: What Canadian politicians lack.

 Fog: 1. Rain that is barely mist; 2. A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.

 

Folk Singer: An avant-bard.

Food: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question “What's for dinner tonight?”

Food Mile: A unit of measurement of the distance which a food product has to travel before it reaches the place where it is consumed (regarded as a measure of sustainable development, since the fewer food miles a product travels the fewer harmful effects it has on the environment).

Fool: One whom bigger fools believe to be a man of merit.

Foosball: A combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

 Foot: A politician's pacifier.

Football: A sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture.

Football Game: A sport where a spectator takes four quarters to finish a fifth.

Football Season: The time of the year when girls whistle at men in sweaters.

Footnote: Useless information placed where you can skip it.

Footstep: The more you take, the more you leave behind.

For Better Or Worse: My wife and I married for better or worse. She couldn't do better. I couldn't do worse.

 Force: The weapon of the weak.

Ford Siesta: Nodding off in the back of the car.

Forecaster: A person skilled in the art of drawing useful conclusions from inadequate premises.

Fore: 1. A golf bawl; 2. The first of several four-letter words exchanged between golfers as one group of players hit balls toward another in front of them on the course.

Foreign Aid: A transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

Forger: A person who is always ready to write a wrong.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Foreword: An author's apology.

Forfeit: What most animals stand on.

Forger: 1. The man who gives a check a bad name; 2. A man who made a name for himself; 3: A man who is always ready to write a wrong; 4. A person who writes things you can't bank on.

Forgetting: In favor of getting this or that.

Forgiveness: 1. The fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it; 2. The key to action and freedom.

Fork: 1. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth; 2. Eating utensil made obsolete by the discovery of fingers.

Fork In The Road: Where cars get the most flat tires.

Format: A small rug to wipe your feet on on a muddy day.

Formerly: A guy whose name was once Lee.

Fortress: 1. A fort – with breastworks; 2. More than three hairs but fewer than five.

Fortune: 1. Ever seen accompanying industry; 2. A singing quartet.

Fortune Cookie Messages

 

Fortune Teller: Séance fiction.

Forty: 1. The age when a woman stops patting herself on the back and begins under the chin; 2. The most difficult age for a woman to pass. Sometimes it takes ten years.

Forum: In favour of drinking Bacardi.

Fountain Pen: A writing instrument that works marvelously in the store.

 

Four-letter Word: Par for the coarse.

Four-wheel Drive: Getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

 

Fowl: A four-letter bird.

Fox: 1. A wolf that sends flowers; 2. A chicken who gets a mink from a wolf.

Fox Hunt: The unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable.

Foxtrot: A slow and circuitous walk, slightly impeded by a member of the opposite sex.

Franchise: What a person from France sees with.

Frankage: The only known method of sending hot air through the mails.

Freakish: A condition where a person wakes up in the morning, and everything goes well for the rest of the day.

Freckles: A nice sun tan – if they’d only get together.

Free Speech: When you can use someone else's phone.

 Free Verse: Verse written without rhyme or reason.

Freedom: Being able to do what you please without considering anyone but the wife, police, boss, life insurance company, province, federal, city authorities, and the neighbours.

Freelance: To collect unemployment.

Freelance Writer: A man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

French flies: What spiders eat with their burgers.
 

Freudian Slip: 2. A foot-in-mouth disease; 2. When you say one thing but mean your mother.

Friend: 1. One before whom one may think aloud; 2. One who has the same enemies you have; 3. One who knows all about you and still loves you just the same; 4. A person who listens attentively while you say nothing; 5. Someone who doesn't believe the gossip he hears about you even if he knows it's true; 6. Someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked; 7. One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.

Friends: 1. People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them; 2. Persons who stick together until debt do them part; 3. What you think you have oodles of, until you happen to be badly in need of just one.

Friendship: 1. An emotion so sweet, loyal, and enduring that it lasts an entire lifetime – unless asked to lend money; 2. One mind in two bodies; 3. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.

 

Fright: An emotion that starts with a start.

 

Frightened Flower Arranger: A petrified florist.

Frisbeetarian: One who believes that when you die, your soul goes up to the roof and gets stuck.

Frog: The only living thing that has more lives than a cat. It croaks every night.

 

Frown: A smile turned upside down.

 Frozen: 1. A type of food; 2. Condition of children's jaws when spinach is served; 3. How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

Frugality: Being mean to yourself.

Fruitcake: The gift that keeps on giving.

 

Frump: A woman who looks her age and doesn't try to overlook it.

Frustrate: Of prime quality.

Frustration: What happens when a mosquito bites a turnip.

Frying Pan: Standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and various vegetable matter.

Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Full Moon: When astronauts can't land on the moon.

Fully Recovered: The guy who fell into an upholstery machine.

Fumigator: A large, very angry reptile.

Fundamentalism: Fund = give money;  Amentalism = without brains.

Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Fur: (Southern) (1) Measure of distance; (2) Because of or to indicate possession. Usage: (1) “It's a fur piece ta Etlanna.”; (2) “Fur yew ta get attair new car yew gotta go see Bubba bout a loan.”

Furniture: Structures to support the human body in various positions.

Furthermore: Much farther than ‘further'.

Futile Remark: The one a man makes for the purpose of changing the subject when the wife complains because he has forgotten their wedding anniversary.

Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured.

G String: Gownless evening strap.

Gabberflasted: The state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.

Gadget: Bright, alluring object with an inconspicuous price tag placed in a prominent position in a bait and tackle shop or moved slowly under the nose of a browsing angler.

Gaff: What old gaffers do when they have a young fisherman trapped in a boat with them. Fatal only if the young angler leaps out of the boat and attempts to swim three miles to shore while carrying his tackle box.

Galleon: A unit of measurement used on very old ships.

Gallery: A congregation of females.

Gambler: A man who makes his living out of hope.

Gambling: A way of getting nothing for something.

Gamekeeper: A soccer goalie who doesn't get upset, despite losing heavily.

Gangrene: To be feeling sick.

 

Garage: 1. Something usually built with a house attached; 2. An attic on a lower level.

Garbage: 1. Aromatic computer output; 2. A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

Garbage Can: An example of a collective noun.

Garden: 1. A place where some of the bulbs seem to think they’re buried instead of planted; 2. A thing of beauty and a job forever; 3. Something most men prefer to turn over in their minds; 4. Something that dies if you don’t water it, and rots if you do.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Gardener: 1. Someone who thinks that what goes down must come up; 2. A man who never lets grass grow under his feet.

Gardening: 1. A matter of enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it; 2. Man’s effort to improve his lot.

Gargling: A good way to see if your throat leaks.

Gargoyle: An olive flavoured mouthwash.

 

Garlic: 1. A food never eaten by those who practice breath control; 2. One of the five elements. The other four are earth, air, fire and water.

 

Gas Station: A place where you fill the car and drain the family.

 Gastric: Igniting flatulence.

Gastric Ulcer: Something you get mountain-climbing over mole hills.

Gateau: French for 'fetch water'.

Gaucho: The Marx Brother who moved to Argentina.

Gaudy: See Vegas, Las.

Gazebo: A cross between a gazelle, zebra and a hippo.

Gemini: How you should refer to James and yourself.

Gene: The part of the human chromosome which insures that you and your spouse will eventually look, sound, behave and deteriorate just like your parents.

Genealogy: 1. An account of one’s descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own; 2. Tracing yourself back to people better than you are; 3. I believe in moderation – I work on genealogy only on days that end in “y”; 4. The story of Aladdin's discovery in the magic lamp; 5. Chasing your own tale.

Generally: Commander of Confederate forces.

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is.

Genital: Non-Jewish person.

Genius: 1. A capacity for making somebody else take infinite pains’ 2. A crackpot who made a screwball idea work; 3. Any other woman’s husband; 4. One percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration; 5. One who can do almost anything except make a living; 6. The infinite capacity not only for taking pains, but for giving them; 7. A crackpot who hit the jackpot; 8. A parent who can help his kids do their homework; 9. Someone shrewd enough and lazy enough to do the things right the first time; 10. A man who can talk his boss into giving him a raise… and his wife into letting him keep it; 11. Unrecognized talent; 12. A nudist with a memory for faces; 13. A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with “bright”; 14. Another word for magic... and the whole point of magic is that it is inexplicable; 15. A very intelligent person who lives in a magic lamp; 16. An average student with a Jewish mother.

Gentility: 1. Eating meat with a silver fork, neither being paid for; 2. What is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone.

Gentle: 1. Reproductive Organ; 2. Non-Jewish.

Gentleman: 1. A gardener who can call a spade a spade without adding any qualifying adjectives; 2. A man who doesn’t pretend to be anything that he isn’t; 3. A man who holds the door open for his wife while she carries in a load of groceries; 4. A man who is always as nice as he sometimes is; 5. A man who never makes passes at girls – to him they’re overtures; 6. A man who remembers a girl’s birthday but forgets her age; 7. A man who will step aside for a lady in a crowd, so she can make a pathway for him; 8. A man with more hay in the bank than in the barn; 9. Any man a girl hasn’t been out with yet; 10. A worn-out wolf; 11. Nothing but a wolf with his ears pinned back; 12. One who doesn’t care whether he is one or not; 13. One who has never heard the story before; 14. One who never hurts another’s feelings unintentionally; 15. Something made by three generations of one darn good guess on the stock market; 16. Any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

Gentleman Farmer: One who has more hay in the bank thank in the barn.

Genuine: How you ask Jennifer if she wants to join a card game.

Geologist: Fault finder.

Geometry: 1. What the acorn said after it grew up; 2. A tree made up of numbers and letters; 3. Without geometry, life is pointless.

Geranium: A nuclear fuel that smells nice.

 Geriatric: Old guys playing cricket really well.

Germ: A little bug with influence.

Germ Phobia: An obsessive anxiety about the presence of germs in one's surroundings, often characterized by increased isolation and panic attacks.

Germinate: To become a German citizen.

 Germlish: Training done using a mixture of English & German.

Germs: The only things kids will share freely.

Getting A Little Action: I don't need fiber today.

Getting Ahead: A process which implies that one must have one to start with.

Getting Lucky: Finding your car in the parking lot.

Ghost: A shadow of its former self.

Ghost Prisoner: A prisoner whose detention is not publicly acknowledged.

Ghost Writer: Spooksman.

G.I. Series: A soldier ball game.

Gift Necktie: The tie that blinds.

Gift Shop: A place where you can see all the things you hope your friends won’t send you for Christmas.

Gifted Children: Unfortunate tykes who lack the good sense to hide their talents from overly ambitious parents.

Gigantic: The biggest, scariest bug in your dog's fur.

GIGO: Garbage In, Garbage Out.

Gigolo: A fee-male.

Gimme: An agreement between two duffer golfers who can't putt.

Ginger Ale: A drink that feels like your foot when it goes to sleep.

Ginsing: Karaoke time at your local bar.

Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.

Giraffes: A rich source of necks.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high up on walls.

Girdle: 1. Accessory after the fat; 2. A device that a woman uses to make a waist out of her waste; 3. An article which prevents a lot of loose walk; 4. The difference between fact and figure.

Girl: Always one of three things: hungry, thirsty, or both.

Girl Scout: A college male.

Girls: 1. Creatures who are fond of pretty clothes but are not wrapped up in them; 2. Creatures who can make up their faces more easily than their minds.

Gladiator: What the cannibal said after he had his mother-in-law for dinner.

Glamour: The capacity of a woman to get more out of a dress than she puts into it.

Glamour Girl: One who has what it takes to take what you have.

Glass: Chinese marijuana.

Glass Cliff: The phenomenon whereby individuals who belong to groups which are not well represented in leadership positions (i.e. women) are more likely to be found in positions which entail a greater than usual risk of failure.

Glasses: A device worn by some people to look more intelligent, but it really is an optical illusion.

Glazing: Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Glibness: The uncanny ability of certain higher primates to issue a steady stream of words without the aid of conscious thought; considered an essential skill among political candidates and other comedians.

Globesity: The phenomenon of obesity in Western countries, seen as a worldwide health problem.

Glossary: Paint store.

Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so close fitting as to allow any manual dexterity. They should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

 Glutton: 1. A person who takes the piece of French pastry you wanted; 2. A man who eats dessert before the echo of his soup has stopped; 3. One who digs his grave with his teeth.

Gluttony: An emotional escape, a sign something is eating us.

Goals: Dreams with deadlines.

Goat: A lamb who has kidded himself into believing that he knows Wall Street.
Goatee: A small goat.

Goats: Animals with bad manners – they always butt in.

 Goat Roper and Goat-Rope: “Goat Roper” is a derogatory term for a cowboy to infer that he is immature. Cowboys do not let their little boys rope cows; they let them practice on goats. Now can you imagine a half dozen little boys out trying to rope a goat? Kind of chaotic; ergo “a goat-rope.”

Goblet: 1. A male turkey; 2. A genetically modified, small turkey.

Going Bra-Less: Pulls all the winkles out of your face.

Going On Business: Sightseeing and eating with a dull session in the middle.

Going Postal: Totally stressed out and losing it.

Gold Digger: 1. A fund-loving girl; 2. A girl who breaks dates by going out with them; 3. A girl who forgets all about the past and the future and simply enjoys the present; 4. A girl who will date any man that can pass the asset test; 5. A sweet young girl with the gift of the grab; 6. A human gimme pig; 7. A woman after all; 8. A young woman who likes to go buy-buy; 9. A woman who pulls the wool over a man’s eyes and then fleeces him; 10. A tomato that needs a lot of lettuce; 11. A human gimme pig; 12. A girl who's got what it takes to take what you've got; 13. A gal who believes in sinner take all; 14. A woman who doesn't like a man's company unless he owns it.

Gold Tooth: Flash in the pan.

Golden Age: When the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Golf: 1. Cow pasture pool; 2. A game in which a ball one and a half inches in diameter is placed on a ball 8000 miles in diameter, the object being to hit the small ball but not the large; 3. A game that is played by a lot of men to keep from falling asleep in Church on Sunday mornings; 4. A game where the ball usually lies poorly and the player well; 5. Just a lot of walking broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic; 6. A certain something that depreciates when it’s above par; 7. A game in which purple people pursue white balls over green hills; 8. A game in which you play pool in the woods or beat around the bush; 9. A poolroom moved outdoors; 10. A game you play with your own worst enemy - yourself.

Golf Accessories: Gadgets whose purchase improves players' games primarily by eliminating bulk from their wallets, thereby reducing excessive trouser friction and allowing a smooth hip movement in the swing.

Golf Ball: Where a golfer dances.

Golf Course: The result of God having a mouthful of spinach and sneezing.

Golf Glove: An unpleasant odor worn on the hand.

Golf Grip: Mysterious ailment whose sudden but short-lived symptoms of violent coughing and sneezing usually occur on the tee or green. It can often be cured by pounding the sufferer vigorously on the back with a 5-iron.

Golf Optimist: A guy who said he made fifteen on the first hole, fourteen on the second, thirteen on the third, and then blew up.

Golfer: 1. A guy who can walk several miles toting 25 miles of equipment, but who has Junior bring him an ash tray; 2. A man who hits and tells.

Golfing: 1. The art of using a flawed swing, a poor stance and a weak grip to hit a small ball badly towards the wrong hole; 2. A pastime that gives people cooped up in the office all week a chance to lie and cheat outdoors.

Goliath: The biblical way to tell somebody to go tell an untruth.

Good: One of mankind's most inexplicable perversions.

Good Advice: What a man gives when he gets too old to set a bad example.

Good Breeding: 1. An expedient to make fools and wise men equal; 2. That quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service.

Good Citizen: One who behaves as if there were no laws.

Good Diplomat: Someone who can lose all the points and still win the game.

Good For Nothing: An obedient child without an allowance.

Good Golf Weather: A decent forecast.
 
Good Husband: 1. One who feels in his pockets every time he passes a mail box; 2. One who will wash up when asked and dry up when told.

Good Job: 1. A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job; 2. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts - one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Good Lie: Weight on our driver's license.

Good Line: The shortest distance between dates.

Good Neighbour: 1. A fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn’t climb it; 2. One who doesn’t borrow his garden hose back too often; 3. One who gives you the benefit of the dirt; 4. One who makes his noise at the same time you make yours.

Good Ole Boy: (Southern) Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not necessarily in that order. Usage: “Bubba's a good ole boy.”

Good Old Days: 1. What people fifty years hence will be calling the present time; 2. When a juvenile delinquent was a kid who owed a few cents on an overdue library book; 3. When a man looked for money in his pockets before having a suit cleaned; 4. When a teenager went into the garage and came out with a lawn mower; 5. When the prisoner, not the sentence, was suspended; 6. A block of time which ended a week before you were hired; 7. When you got the landlord to fix anything by just threatening to move.

Good Secretary: A stenographer who must think like a man, act like a lady, and work like a horse.

 Good Speech: 1. A beginning and a conclusion placed not too far apart; 2. Like a baby - easy to conceive but hard to deliver.

Good Sport: One who will always let you have your own way.

Good Sportsmanship: Not picking up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

Good Storyteller: A person who has a good memory and hopes other people haven’t.

Good Talker: One who leans to listen.

Good Teacher: One who makes himself progressively unnecessary.

Good Times: 1. The period when you accumulate those debts that you’re unable to pay in bad times; 2. Those in which people who have money contrive to get a little more.

Good Toastmaster: One who knows when to pop up and when to pop down.

Good Friend: A good friend is like a good bra. Hard to find, supportive, comfortable, and always close to your heart.

Good Wife: One you can propose to on the front porch, and then still love in the kitchen.

Goose: A bird that supplies quills for writing.

Goose Bumps: To keep geese from speeding.

Gorilla Warfare: When the sides get up to monkey tricks.

Gossip: 1. A newscaster without a sponsor; 2. Anything that goes in one ear and over the back fence; 3. A person who puts two and two together – whether they are or are not; 4. A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do as much damage; 5. A person who syndicates his conversation; 6. Letting the chat out of the bag; 7. Conversation without thought; 8. One who pumps to a conclusion; 9. One who takes people at deface value; 10. One with a keen sense of rumour; 11. Peddling meddling; 12. Sharing deride; 13. Sociologists on a mean and petty scale; 14. Somebody who knows how to add to… and to; 15. Something negative that is developed and then enlarged; 16. Talling the story; 17. The art of saying nothing in a way which leaves nothing unsaid; 18. When one just can’t leave bad enough alone; 19. The person who doesn’t gossip has no friends to speak of; 20. One who usually gets caught in her own mouth-trap; 21. Cheat-chat; 22. Something heard over the sour grapevine; 23. The knife of the party; 24. The opiate of the oppressed; 25. A person with a keen sense of rumor; 26. A prattlesnake; 27. Someone who suffers from acute indiscretion; 28. Someone who always gives the benefit of the dirt.

Gossip Columnist: 1. A guy who finds out things people don’t want known, and tells them to others to whom it doesn’t make any difference; 2. One who keeps us posted on how the other half lives it up; 3. The spies of life; 4. One who writes other’s wrongs.

Gourmet: A food fetishist.

Gout: A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient.

Government: The great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

Government Bureau: Where the taxpayer’s shirt is kept.

Government Deficit: The difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.

Government Expert: One who complicates simple things.

GPF: Get Pissed Friday. A British tradition of having lunch at the Pub (Bangers and Mash with 5 pints of bitter).

Grade: Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment.

Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad’s payroll – and on to his wife’s.

 

Graffiti: 1. Wit-and-run literature; 2. Urban scrawl; 3. Rude calligraphy of the streets, apt to embellish any wall, statue, subway car or whino within reach of a spray can; 4. Reassuring evidence that today's youth retain a passing acquaintance with the written word.

Grammar: Lives with granpar.

Grammatical Error: When Grandma screws up.

Grammer: Your father's mother.

Grand Theft Buggy: A game like Grand Theft Auto, but instead takes place in Amish country, using their methods of hijacking, such as picthforks and butter churns.

Grandchildren: The only people who can get fore out of you than the IRS.

Grandfather: A grandchild’s press agent.

Grandmother: 1. A babysitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator; 2. An old lady who keeps your mother from spanking you.

Grandparent: 1. One who knows that spanking is unnecessary; 2. The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate.

Grandparents: 1. The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right; 2. Are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

Grand Jury: One that says, “Not Guilty.”

Granivore: A monster that devours grandmothers.

 

Grantartica: The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

Grapefruit: Eyewash.

Grapple Tackle: An illegal rugby tackle in which the opponent is held around the head and neck and pressure is applied to the neck, obstructing the trachea and carotid artery.
Grass: 1. The green stuff that wilts in the yard and flourishes in the garden; 2. What grows by the yard and dies by the foot.

Grass Widow: The angel a man loved, the human being he married, and the devil he divorced.

 

Grateful: What it takes to build a good fire.

Gratitude: 1. A secret hope of greater favours; 2. Happiness doubled by wonder; 3. The most painful thing to bear, next to ingratitude.

Grave: A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

Graveyard Shift: What takes place when an earthquake hits a cemetery.

Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski resort parking lots.

Gray Hair: God's graffiti.

Gray Matter: Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.

Graybar Land: The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly.

Grayed-Out: Excluded or denied. Taken from software where some icons are “grayed-out” and can only be used by authorized personnel with the correct password. In real life, a person has been “grayed-out” if he or she has been excluded from a meeting, project, conversation, etc.

Great American: What speakers call a man when they can’t think of anything specifically complimentary to say.

Great Canadian: What speakers call the Joe-kster after he obtained a Guinness World-1st Record for “Solo Handbells Marathon” – details @ Possibells.com …

Great Dane: The kind of puppy that has the house broken before he is.

Great Firewall of China : The internet blocking system which prevents access for Chinese internet users to sites deemed undesirable by the Chinese government.

Green Giant: Original member of the Peas Corps.

Great Timesaver: Love at first sight.

Green Shoe Brigade: A group of people who stand to profit from dubious practices conducted in the name of environmental protection.

Greens: Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.

Grey Matter: Brains.

Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Greyhound Trainer: A race cur driver.

Griefing: Sabotage of online computer games (virtual sites), by players intent on causing havoc rather than abiding by the rules of the game.

Gripe: A ripe grape.

Griper Diaper: Underwear that complains a lot.

Griyuts: (Southern) What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. Usage: “Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on 'em, but Ah purely love 'em with red-eye gravy.”

Grocery List: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Groan: An expression of appreciation for the horrible.

Groom: Least important member of wedding party, whose only duties are to show up on time, remember the ring, and try not to be drunk.

Gross: An Executive's salary.

Grouch: One who distrusts people who flatter him and dislikes people who don’t.

Ground Beef: A cow with no legs.

Groundless Apprehension: That uneasy feeling right after the plane takes off.

Group (of Passengers): A large loud pack of passengers traveling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-boarding time of five minutes before departure or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited from pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.

Group Therapy: A drama-in-the-round staged for the entertainment of a professional therapist, who commands the players to put on a new show each week and charges them for the privilege.

Growing Old: 1. A process hard to do gracefully with modern furniture; 2. To pass from passion to compassion.

Gruesome: 1. A little taller than before; 2. Became a little taller.

Guarantee: A legal vehicle which expires on the same day as your mechanical one.

Guest: A person for whom you lay out a special towel, which both of you know won’t be.

GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

 Guide: A person slightly less lost than you, who is paid to decide what to do next.

Guillotine: 1. A French chopping center; 2. The one sure cure for dandruff.

Guillozine: A magazine for executioners.

Guilt: 1. One of America’s most abundant resources; 2. The pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show.

Guitar: A hillbilly harp.

Gum: Adhesive for the hair.

 

Gum Slinger: First Wild West Dentist.

Gummit: (Southern) An often-closed bureaucratic institution. Usage: “Them gummit boys shore are ignert!”

Gun Control: Using both hands.

 Gunpowder: 1. A substance used to make nations friendly to each other; 2. Insecticide for humans.

Guru: One who knows more jargon than you.

 Habitat: Place where a particular species of fish was last week.

Habits: 1. Cobwebs that become cables; 2. Trait jackets.

Habituate: Disgusting mannerisms - smoking for example.

Habitutation: Convincing people around an office to wear black and white.

Hackchoo: When you sneeze and cough at the same time.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

Hair: 1. The only thing that will prevent baldness; 2. What will begin disappearing from your husband's head and appearing in his nose and ears, soon after you exchange vows.

Hairball: When a cat throws up to the basketball hoop, and misses.

Hairdresser: Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.

Hairodynamics: Walking in the direction of the wind so your hair stays in place.

Hale: (Southern) Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna.  Usage: “General Sherman said 'War is Hale' and he made sure it was.”

Hallucination: A belief owned exclusively by one person.

 Halo: A greeting used by angels.
 

Halter: Something grooms get at the altar.

Ham On Rye: An alcoholic actor.

Hamlet: Small piece of pork.

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Hamper: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

Hamster: The animal least likely to be found in a synagogue.

Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

Hand Scanner: Singles bar prowler looking for wedding rings.

Handicap: 1. A device for “collective bargaining” on the first tee; 2. A ready-to-wear hat; 3. An allocation of strokes on one or more holes that permits two golfers of very different ability to do equally poorly on the same course.

Handicapped Golfer: The man playing his boss.

Handi-Wipes: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes.

Handkerchief: Cold storage.

Hands: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

Hanging: A suspended sentence.

Hangnail: Coat hook.

Hangover: 11. The wrath of grapes; 2. Something to occupy a head that wasn’t used the night before; 3. The moaning after the night before; 4. Toot ache.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Happiness: 1. A delicate balance between what one is and what one has; 2. A way station between two little and too much; 3. Good health and a poor memory; 4. Perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself; 5. That peculiar sensation you acquire when you are too busy to be miserable; 6. The perpetual possession of being well-deceived; 7. Seeing your boss’s face on the side of a milk carton; 8. You can always find it in the dictionary; 8. When what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony; 9. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

Happy-Clappy: 1. a member of a Christian group that favours an informal religious ceremony with audience  participation, as by handclapping, and contemporary music with religious lyrics; 2 Of or relating to such a form of worship, or its followers; 3. Excessively and shallowly emotional in an extroverted way.

Happy Marriage: A long conversation that always seems too short.

Hara-Kiri: A Japanese apology.

Harangue: A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangueoutang.

Hard Drive: 1. Going home in the muddy season with a flat tire; 2. The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.

Hard Luck: Something composed of laziness, bad judgement, and poor execution.

Hard Times: When all we can pay is compliments.

Hard Water: The scientific name for ice.

Hard Work: 1. An accumulation of easy things you didn’t do when you should have; 2. The best remedy for all of life's trials.

Hardware: 1. Where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is; 2. Any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

Hardware Store: Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out any time soon.

Hare Brush: Used to groom a rabbit.

Harem: A community of women who subscribe to a circulating husband.

 

Hari-Kari: Transporting a wig from one place to another.

 

Hari-kari: Transporting a wig from one place to another.

Harlez Vous Francais?: Can you drive a French motorcycle?

Harp: A piano in the nude.

Harpist: A plucky musician.

Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Has Beans: Used coffee grounds.

Has-been: One who lives on the reputation of his reputation.

Hash: 1. Enthusiastic food – the cook puts all she has into it; 2. A conglomeration of heterogenous incompatibles that is edible.

Hasty: Quick snack that stimulates the tongue.

Hat: 1. A woman’s clowning glory; 2. Something the average man covers his head with, the beggar passes around, the statesman throws into the ring, and the politician talks through.

Hatchet: What a hen does to an egg.

 

Haute Dog: Elegant frankfurter.

Hawaiian Punch: What you get when you mouth off to a Polynesian.

Hay: Grass ŕ la mowed.

Haze: (Southern) A contraction. Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah... haze ignert.”

 

Head Cold: Rheum service.

Head Hunter: The person to see if you have lost your head.

 Headlights: What the car driver uses to blind oncoming drivers.

Health: 1. The thing that makes you feel that now is the best time of the year; 2. What people are always drinking to before they fall down.

Health Food: The food they sell in hell.

Health Tourism: Travel for the purpose of a medical treatment to a country which offers the service at a cheaper rate or higher standard than that available in the traveler's home country.

Hearsay: 1. Basic job description for interpreters;  2. What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Hearse: 1. A handsome vehicle in which the man who has always been a tail-ender is finally permitted to lead the procession; 2. What an undertaker has embroidered on his wife's towel.

Heavens: The curse of respectability.

Heavy Dew: (Southern) A request for action. Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”

Hebort: To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.

Hebrew: A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation.

Hebrute: Israeli aftershave.

Heckler: A guy who ribs you the wrong way.

Heidi: (Southern) Greeting. Usage: “Heidi all!”

 

Heir Cut: Disinheritance.

Heir Fare: Executor's Fee.

Heir Filter: Last will and testament.

Heirloom: Some old thing nobody liked well enough to wear out.

Heista La Vista: Steal a panorama.

Helicopter: An egg beater with ambition.

Help: A computer feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Helpless: The feeling you have when your goldfish is sick.

Helpmate: A wife, or bitter half.

Hemaglobe: The bloody state of the world.

Hemlock: The position a woman finds herself in when her high heel snags her skirt.

 Hemorrhoid: A male from outer space.

Hen: An egg's way of making another egg.

Henpecked Husband: One who is afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he is sterile.

Henry the Eight: Guy who invented fractions.

Hep: (Southern) To aid or benefit.  Usage: “Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you.”

Herbivore: Dinner.

Heredity: The bad traits a child gets from the other side of the family.

Hermit: 1. A girl’s baseball glove; 2. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.

Hernia: Pertaining to a female's knee.

Hero: 1. Someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom; 2. One who is afraid to run away.

Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.

Herpes: What your gal does when you stop at a rest area.

Herpetologist: One who studies the domesticated animal belonging to the lady of the house.

Herr Doctor: A cosmetologist.

Hex Rating: Classification for Harry Potter books.

Hick: A person who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

Hick Town: 1. One where, if you see a girl dining with a man old enough to be her father, he is; 2. One where there’s no place to go where you shouldn’t be.

Hide And Sick: A game played on a cruise ship by a large number of passengers.

High Fidelity: A drunk who goes home regularly to his wife.

High Heels: Heels invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

Highbrow: 1. A man who has found something more interesting than women; 2. A person who has the patience to sit through something that would make him a lowbrow if he didn’t; 3. One who likes a thing so long as he’s sure you like it too; 4. One whose learning has outstripped his intelligence; 5. The kind of person who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso; 6. A person who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

High Heels: the invention of a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

High Noon: Three martinis before lunch.

Highbrow: A person educated beyond his intelligence.

Highway: The space between billboards.

Hindsight: 1. What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers; 2. A sudden solution to a problem you've been sitting on for years.

Hip: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge clichés.

Hip-Hop: The urban cultural reaction to the experience of being overtly and covertly marginalized by a fully enfranchised white American majority.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

 Hippochondriacs: People who worry a lot about their weight.

Hire Education: When an athlete is given financial inducements to attend a certain college.

Hire Yew: (Southern) Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. “Heidi. Hire yew?”

His: Pronoun, meaning hers.

Historian: 1. A prophet looking backwards; 2. A deaf person who goes on answering questions that no one has asked him; 3. A broad-gauge gossip; 4. An editor of yesterday's news.
Historians: People who won't let bygones be bygones.

Historical Novel: A fictitious tale covering up a stern reality.

History: 1. A chorus of hisses; 2. An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools; 3. Made real @ www.Possibells.com; 4. The only laboratory we have in which to test the consequences of thought; 5. The version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.

Hitler: The greatest seizer of them all.

Hobby: 1. Hard work you wouldn’t do for a living; 2. Something you do to have fun whether you enjoy it or not; 3. Something you get goofy about to keep from going nuts about things in general.

Hockey: 1. Mayhem on ice; 2. A form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept.

Hockshop: The loansomest place in town.

 Hod: (Southern) Not easy. Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”

Hogwash: Pig's laundry.

Holding Company: A thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.

Hole: The bigger you take away from it, the bigger it becomes.

Hole-In-One: 1. A stroke of genius; 2. An occurrence in which a ball is hit directly from the tee into the hole on a single shot by a golfer playing alone; 3. Time to get new pantyhose.

Hollow: An empty greeting.

Hollywired: The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers.

Hollywood: 1. A place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars; 2. A place where they'll pay you $50,000 for a kiss and 50 cents for your soul; 3. The only asylum run by its inmates; 4. A town that has to be seen to be disbelieved; 5. A place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors; 6. A sunny spot for shady people; 7. The place bad guys go when they die.

Hollywood Marriage: Much “I do” about nothing.

Hollywood Pal: Someone who is always around when he needs you.

Hollywood Producer: 1. An executive who wears a worried look on his assistant's face; 2. An ulcer with authority; 3. A man who has got hold of some money and some brains, and is using the money.

Hollywood Supervisor: The kind of a guy you'd use for a blueprint if you were building an idiot.

Hollywood Wedding: One where they take each other for better or worse – but not for long.

Holy: What my old socks are.

Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

Home: 1. A place in which we are treated the best and grumble the most; 2. A place where a man is free to say anything he pleases because no one pays any attention to him; 3. There’s no place like it if you haven’t got the money to go out; 4. Where part of the family waits until the rest of them bring back the car; 5. The place where you can scratch any place you itch; 6. A place where man goes to raise a fuss because something went wrong at the office; 7. A place to go when all the other joints are closed.

Home Cooking: 1. What more women should be; 2. The place many a man thinks his wife is.

Home Page: When your family makes your beeper go off.

Home Town: Where they wonder how you ever got as far as you did.

Homesharing: The provision of accommodation by an older person to a younger person in need of accommodation, in exchange for help with household chores and a degree of companionship.

Homework: 1. Schoolwork to go; 2. Skull-drudgery.

Homicide: The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another - the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.

Homoeopathist: The humorist of the medical profession.

Homophobia: Fear of going into your own house.

Homosexual: A man's man.

Honest: That which a man gets credit for being when he’s merely doing business with folks that never give him a chance to be anything else.

Honest Politician: One who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

Honesty: 1. The fear of being caught; 2. The greatest handicap you can have in golf.

Honeycomb: Hair styling tool used by bees.

Honeymoon: 1. A short period of doting between dating and debting; 2. Coo-existence; 3. The period between “I do” and “You’d better.”; 4. The thrill of a wife-time; 5. The time during which the bride believes the bridegroom’s word of honour; 6. The vacation a man takes before starting to work for a new boss; 7. The period of time that elapses between 'I Do' and 'You'd Better'; 8. A trip newlyweds take to exotic, romantic resorts to discover passion, love and what their spouse really does in the bathroom.

Honeymoon Sandwich: Just lettuce alone, with no dressing.

Honeymooner: A bee that drops his pants.

HonkoSecond: The time between the light turning green and the sound from the car horn behind you.

Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies it's customary to mention all members as honorable - as in 'the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.'

Hook: 1. A curved piece of metal used to catch fish; 2. Irritating but highly reliable device used to quickly locate the position of one's thumb at the bottom of a tackle box; 3. A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel; 4. The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings.

Hooker: A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.

Hooky: When a small boy lets his mind wander – and then follows it.

Hope: A pathological belief in the occurrence of the impossible.

Hopscotch: A mixed drink made with whiskey and beer.

Horizon: A call girl hopping out of bed.

 

Hornet: What a goat does with its head to something that it doesn't like.

Horse: 1. An oatsmobile; 2. An animal that cannot say yes, only neigh; 3. An animal that goes to bed with its shoes on.

Horse Sense: 1. Something a horse has that keeps him from betting on people; 2. A degree of wisdom that keeps one from betting on the races; 3. The thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people; 4. A sure sign of a stable mind; 5. Stable thinking coupled with the ability to say nay (neigh); 6. When a fellow knows enough to stay away from a nag.
 

Horsepower: A power which has put the horse out of business.
Hospice: Equine urine.

Hospital: 1. A place where people who are run down wind up; 2. A place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.

Hospital Room: A place where friends of the patient go to talk to other friends of the patient.

Hospitality: 1. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging; 2. Making your guests feel at home... even when you wish they were.

Hot: (Southern) A blood-pumping organ. Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”

Hot Chocolate: Stolen candy.

Hot Dog: The only animal that feeds the hand that bites it.

Hot Pants: Breeches of promise.

Hot Spot: 1. Place on any given stream or lake, usually known only to locals, where fish can be found; 2. Place in the center of the palm of the right hand of locals where money may be placed to help find 1.

 Hot Time: A clock in an oven.

Hotel: A place where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.

 Hour Glassing: Waiting for your computer to finish a task.

House: Domicile purchased by married couples so they have some place to pour all their money.

House Doctor: One who specializes in window panes.

Housefly: A small insect with wings, six legs and a roof.

Housemother: The question to enquire about anyone's female parent's health.

Houseplants: 1. Vegetable companions; 2. Pleasant green pets that rarely bite or throw up on the carpet.

Housewarming: The last call for wedding presents.

Housework: 1. Something you do that nobody notices unless you don’t do it; 2. A treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counterproductivity.

Housing: Laconic question asked of one's voice coach.

Housing Development: Where the builder tears all the trees out of the plot, then names the streets after them.

Howling Success: The baby that gets picked up.

HR: Hardly Relevant.

Hug: 1. A roundabout way of expressing affection; 2. Energy gone to waist.

Huh?: The first word a convenience store worker learns.

Hula Dancer: A shake in the grass.

Human Being: 1. Like a freight car – guaranteed a certain capacity, but always running empty; 2. A wonderful mechanism that starts functioning the minute you get up in the morning and doesn’t stop until you get to the office; 3. A complex mechanism used to convert coffee into urine.

Human Brain: Like a freight car – guaranteed a certain capacity, but always running empty.

Human Resources: The layoff people.

 

Humanilebrity: A celebrity who is a humanitarian and uses his or her fame to bolster a cause.

Humble Pie: Appease pudding.
Humbug: A singing cockroach.

Humdrum: A duet between someone who sings a non-verbal melody and someone who plays percussion.

Humiliation: An emotion caused by suddenly shrinking to one’s normal proportions.

Humility: 1. The ability to act ashamed when you tell people how wonderful you are;  2. The solid foundation of all the virtues; 3. The pride of the humble; 4. The minute you think you've got it, you've lost it.

Hummer: A vehicle that can't sing.

Humour: 1. Emotional chaos remembered in tranquility; 2. A smoke screen that keeps us from being blinded by reality; 3. A feat, after the invention of language, which is man's proudest achievement; 4. The pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude.

Humourist: 1. Someone who knows how to feel pretty good about feeling pretty bad; 2. A writer who shows us the faults of human nature in such a way that we recognize our failing and smile – and our neighbour’s and laugh.

Hunch: 1. What you call an idea that you’re afraid is wrong; 2. Creativity trying to tell you something.

Hungarian: A very well-endowed man from Gary, Indiana.

Hungary: Country with the biggest appetite.

 

Hunger: 1. What the posse did to the lady cattle rustler; 2. Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying; 3. The best sauce in the world.

Husband: 1. A man who exchanges a bushel of fun for a peck of trouble; 2. A man who, if given enough rope, will be tied up at the office; 3. A man who knows that his wife’s reasoning is largely sound; 4. A man who lost his liberty in the pursuit of happiness; 5. An experienced domestic creature who can guess what his wife is going to say before she repeats it; 6. A polygamous animal in a monogamous strait-jacket; 7. One who lays down the law to his wife, then accepts all her amendments; 8. One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him; 9. One who thinks twice before saying nothing; 10. The next thing to a wife; 11. What’s left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed; 12. A domesticated wolf; 13. someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house; 14. A man of few words; 15. A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so; 16. What's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed; 17. A man who has chased a woman until she has caught him; 18. One who has several small mouths to feed and one big one to listen to.

Husband-hunting: A sport in which the animal that gets caught has to buy the license.

Husbandry: A large number of husbands.

 

Hush Money: The proof that money talks and also stops talk.

Hybrid Car: Latin for “gutless wonder”.

Hydra: A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads.

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

Hydroponic Gardening: Using a plant to convert water into yard work.

Hymen: Guys on pot.

Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

Hyper Diaper: Overactive underwear.

Hypochondria: A disease without a disease.

Hypochondriac: 1. One who enjoys poor health, then complains of feeling better; 2. A person with infinite capacity for faking pains; 3. One who can’t leave well-enough alone; 4. A woman who always broods over her health, but never hatches a remedy; 5. Someone with a sick sense; 6. A person who calls a doctor when he wants an audience.

Hypocoindria: Fear of not having correct change.

Hypocrisy: 1. The homage which vice pays to virtue; 2. When an uppity hippo pretends to be something it isn't; 3. A hypocrite is someone who – but who isn’t?

Hypocrite: 1. A man who sets good examples when he has an audience; 2. One who pretends to be burying the hatchet when he’s only digging up dirt; 3. One who talks on principles and acts on interest; 4. One who complains about all the sex and violence on their VCR; 5. A guy who isn’t himself on Sundays.

Hypodermic Needle: A sick shooter.

Hypotenuse: When the washroom upstairs is occupied.

 

Hypothesis: 1. First thing a Redneck teenager says to his father on the phone; 2. Hippo, horse; thesis, placing: putting something on a horse.

Hysteria: Fancy stress bawl.

I For An I: When two egotists meet.

I Said So: Reason enough, according to Dad.

IBM: 1. Inferior But Marketable; 2. It's Better Manually; 3. Insidious Black Magic; 4. It's Been Malfunctioning; 5. Incontinent Bowel Movement; 6. International Business Machines.

Ice: 1. One of the few things that really is what it's cracked up to be; 2. An example of hard water; 3. Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

Ice Cool: The institution of learning which stands midway between grammar school and college.

Ice Cream: What I do when scared.

Ice Fishing: Winter fishing method in which anglers use a variety of specialized equipment to catch colds.

Iceburg: An uppity, snobbish neighborhood.

Icicle: A stiff piece of water.

Icing: What I do in the shower.

Id: That part of the psyche that unconsciously makes demands for immediate satisfaction of primitive needs, like that candy bar you're eating right now.

Idea: A point of departure and no more. As soon as you elaborate, it becomes transformed by thought.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Ideal: My turn to shuffle.

Ideal Guest: One who stays at home.

Ideal Summer Resort: A place where fish bite and mosquitoes don’t.

Ideal Wife: Any woman who has an ideal husband.

Idealist: 1. One who upon observing that a rose smells better than a cabbage concludes that it will also make better soup; 2. A person who helps other people to be prosperous; 3. One who tries to keep politics out of politics.

Ideals: Funny little things that don’t work unless you do.

Ideologue: An obscure humourless zealot who finds fulfilment by spouting the ideas of famous humourless zealots.

Idinit: (Southern) Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't.  Usage: “Mighty hot today, idinit?”

Idiot: 1. Any person who fails to see your point in a discussion; 2. A man who sees your point in an argument but refuses to see your way.

Idiot, Complete: No parts missing from the kit.

Idleness: A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.

Idolize: Lazy eyeballs.

If: A two-letter word for futility.

Igloo: 1. An icicle built for two; 2. An Alaskan toilet.

Ignert: (Southern) Not smart. Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

Ignoramus: 1. Someone who doesn't know something that you learned yesterday; 2. A big, stupid animal that wallows in mud; 3. The best thing to do if Ramus shows up.

Ignorance: When you don’t know something and somebody finds it out.

Ignoranus: Person who is a stupid jackass.

Ikea: Swedish for maze.

Illegal: A sick bird.

Illegibility: A Doctor’s prescription written with a post-office pen in the rumble seat of a second-hand car.

Illegitimate: Not a hypochondriac.

Imagination: 1. What prevents us from being as happy in the arms of a chambermaid as in the arms of a duchess; 2. Something that sits up with a woman when her husband is out late; 3. What makes some politicians think they're statesmen; 4. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership; 5. What puts men in asylums unless they are crazy enough to put it down on paper or canvas.

IMAO: In My Arrogant Opinion.

Imargination: The fantasy of being linealized.

IMHO: In My Humble Opinion.

Immigrant: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.

Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.

Immortality: A fate worse than death.

IMNSHO: In My Not-So-Humble Opinion.

Immodium Podium: why some athletes didn't make it to the podium.

Impasta: Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.

Impatience: Waiting in a hurry.

Impeach: A pixie fruit.

Impeccable: 1. Having immunity to woodpeckers; 2. Hidden from birds.

Impiety: Your irreverence toward my deity.

Implement: Mischievous child's garden tool.

Impossible: 1. That which takes a little longer; Difficult: That which can be done immediately; 2. What nobody can do until somebody does it; 3. A word to be found only in the dictionary of fools.

Impossible Lie: A ball that is in a position that is both completely obstructed by an immovable object and continuously observed by an incorruptible player.

Impostor: A rival aspirant to public honours.

Impotence: 1. Nature's way of saying “No Hard Feelings”; 2. Emission impossible.

Impotent: 1. Willy-nilly; 2. Distinguished, well known; 3. Heir-minded but not heir-conditioned.

Impotience: Eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.

Impressario: The only man who never suffers in the long run.

Impressionism: The newspaper of the soul.

Impropriety: The soul of wit.

In Crowd: The Sultans of Snoot.

In Disguise: How Black Holes kept from being discovered by coal miners.

IN GOD WE TRUST: All others we virus scan.

In Seine: Those who jump off a Paris bridge.

Inbred: Best way to eat peanut butter and jelly.

Incense: 1. Holy Smoke; 2. A wishful stink.

Inch: Unit of measure whose length is consistently underestimated by men.

Inchworm: Tiny moth larva favoured as food by trout and as bait by trout fishermen, who, from force of deep-routed habits, invariably refer to them as foot-and-a-halfworms.

Incidental Exercise: Exercise that is built into the routine of one's daily life (i.e. walking up and down stairs rather than taking the elevator; cleaning the house rather than employing a housecleaner).

Income: 1. Something you cannot live without nor within; 2. The sum of money which it costs more than to live.

Income Tax: 1. A fine imposed for reckless thriving; 2. Guaranteed annual rage; 3. The first touch of spring; 4. Uncle Sam's version of “Truth or Consequences”.

Income Tax Expert: Someone whose fee is the amount he saves you in making out your tax return.

Income Tax Return: Something that if you make out honestly you go to the poorhouse; or if you make it out dishonestly – you go to jail.

Incompatibility: In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.

Inconceivable: What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object.

Incongruous: Where our laws are made and how they appear.

 

Indecision: 1. Under the whether; 2. The key to flexibility.

Independent: 1. How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say; 2. Something (i.e. a picture) enclosed in a locket worn around the neck.

Index: What poker cards come in.

Indifference: 1. The only sure defense; 2. A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

Indigestion: The failure of a round stomach to adjust to a square meal.

Indigo: Helping baby eat her peas.

Indispose: How de photographer wants you to stand.

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion.

Infamy: Redneck for 'Out to get me' - as in, 'They had it infamy.'

Infant Prodigies: Young people with highly imaginative parents.

Infantry: 1. A sapling; 2. An arrangement of infants.

Inferiority Complex: The feeling that sweeps over a notorious hold-up man when he gets his check in a nightclub.

Infidel: 1. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does; 2. Where most Cuban fried chicken winds up.

Infidels: They are not Christians because they believe in infidelity.

Infield Dirt: Double play ground.

Infinity: 1. A kind of foreverness that begins when a speaker says, “and in conclusion...”; 2. A floorless room without walls or ceilings.

Inflation: 1. A fate worse than debt; 2. A national headache caused by asset indigestion; 3. When one can live as cheaply as two; 4. A state of affairs where you never had it so good, or parted with it so fast; 5. Just a drop in the buck; 6. The art of cutting a dollar bill in half without touching the paper (or  cutting money in half without damaging the paper); 7. When dollars to doughnuts becomes an even bet; 8. When nobody has enough money because everybody has too much; 9. A period when two can live as steeply as one; 10. Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket; 11: When you can't have your cake - dieting is when you can't eat it.

Inflation Index: A rise in the price of playing cards.

Inflaton: Hypothetical particle thought to be responsible for cosmic inflation.

Influence: Something you think you have until you try to use it.

Infomania: The tendency to give immediate attention to incoming messages (i.e. email, text messages), resulting in constant distraction and a corresponding drop in the recipient's attention levels and work performance.

Information: How geese and migratory birds fly.

Information Center: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.

Information Fee: Know charge.

Information Processing: What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.

Informed Source: 1. Him; 2. The guy who told the guy you just met.

Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.

Inhibition: Being tied up in nots.

Injustice: A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.

Inkling: A baby fountain pen.

Innocent Bystander: A person so simple-minded he doesn’t know enough to get out of the way.

Innuendo: An Italian enema.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Input: Whatever turns you on.

Input/Output: Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Insane: Abbreviation for Ph.D.

Insanity: 1. Grounds for divorce in some provinces; grounds for marriage in all; 2. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results; 3. Knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it.

Inscribe: What you call a person who writes for an inn.

Insecticide: What the despondent ant committed.

Inside: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

Insincerity: A method by which we can multiply our personalities.

 Insinuate: Adam and Eve's least favourite word.

Insomnia: 1. The inability to sleep even when it’s time to get up; 2. A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents; 3. What a person has when he lies awake all night for an hour; 4. A gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking; 5. The triumph of mind over mattress.

Inspiration: A force that poets have invented to give themselves.

Install: Where you keep your horse.

Installment Payment: 1. A condition which makes the months shorter and the years longer; 2. A way to make the months seem shorter or to make time fly.

Instant: An eternity that takes only a moment.

Interval In Music: The distance from one piano to the next.

Instinct: The faculty which tells a woman whether a man needs inducement or encouragement.

Institutional Investor: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

Insulting Telegram: Barbed wire.

Insults: The arguments employed by those who are in the wrong.

Insurance: 1. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table; 2. A form of gambling in which we bet our chance of escaping disaster, and win only when we lose; 3. A guarantee that, no matter how many necessities a person had to forgo all through life, death was something to which he could look forward to.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Integrated Circuit: A circuit With black-and-white components.

Integrity: The thing that keeps you from looking ahead to see how the story ends.

Intellectual: 1. A fellow who is willing to discuss the preceding night’s television programs, but makes it clear he only happened to be watching because the children turned the set on; 2. Someone who knows when to quote what some bright fellow once said; 3. A guy who can keep his mind on a book at a beach; 4. Someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Intellectual Snob: Someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of the Lone Ranger.

Intelligence: is like a 4 wheel drive - it allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

Intelligent Girl: 1. One who knows how to refuse a kiss without being deprived of it; 2. One who knows less than the man with whom she happens to be talking at the moment.

Intelligent Minority: A group which doesn’t stay that way after it becomes a majority.

Intelligent Woman: One who has brains enough to tell a man how wonderful he is.

Intense: 1. Where campers sleep; 2. A camping vacation.

Inter Nos: Where boogers live.

Interdepartment Football Game: Night of the long knives on a July afternoon.

Interesting: A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

Interim Release: A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

Interior Decorator: A man who does things to your house he wouldn’t dream of doing to his own.

 

Intern: 1. A fellow who takes a turn for the nurse; 1. Next in line.

 Internet: The best library in the world, but with all its books strewn across the floor.

Internship: A sleepless ordeal imposed on young M.D.'s for the purpose of weeding out the weak and infirm among them, and eroding the health of the survivors sufficiently to ensure better empathy in the years to come.

Interpreter: 1. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said; 2. A ventriloquist using two dummies.

Intersection: A place where two wrongs make a rite.

Intervals: What most people work at.

Intimacy: 1. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction; 2. The first step toward parenthood.

Intoxication: To feel sophisticated and not be able to pronounce it.

Intron: A bit of your DNA that appears to do nothing. The Intron of a company is the Marketing Department.

Intuition: 1. Suspicion in skirts; 2. That which enables a woman to put tow and two together and get your number; 3. The ability women have to read between the lines on a blank page; 4. The sixth sense that allows a woman five wrong guesses; 5. The strange instinct that tells a woman she is right whether she is or not; 6. Woman’s ability to read between men’s lyings; 7. Feminine radar.

 Invention: Something you don't recall copying from others.

Invest: 1. A word which comes before investigate in the dictionary, but which follows it in practice; 2. Not in the east.

Invitro Fertilization: The innoculate conception.

I.O.U.: 1. A type of paper wait; 2. Three letters people hate to write.

I.P. Address: The urinal.

Iraqnaphobia: Fear of spiders in Baghdad.

Irish: An English-piquing people.

Iron: What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.

Irony: 1. Being witty at all costs; 2. A vegetarian catching swine flu.

Irrelevant: Taking an economics course, and you have no money.

Irrepressible: Hopelessly wrinkled.

Irritainment: Annoying but you can't stop watching.

Irritating Habit: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing!

Isopod: Hi-tech igloo.

I.T.: Customer Support without the common sense.

It's A Feature: From the adage “It's not a bug, it's a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

It's In Progress: So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

Italic: The language spoken by ancient Italians.

iWhiner: A person who cries because after they bought a piece of technology, the price drops.

Jack: A thing that lifts a car and also keeps it going.

Jackasspirin: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

Jackpot: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

Jade: A semi-precious stone or a semi-precious woman.

Jail: The original key club.

Jailbait: Prison food.

Jamaica: Question usually asked of a fraternity man when he returns from a date.

Janitor: The only man who makes a quick clean-up in Wall Street and gets away with it.

Jape: You little monkey!

Jargon: The vase is no longer there.

Java Nagila: They're dancing the hora at the coffeehouse.

Jawjuh: (Southern) A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

Jay Walker: A person who bets two legs against four wheels and usually loses.

Jaywalking: An exercise that brings on that rundown feeling.

Jazz Musician: A juggler who uses harmonies instead of oranges.

Je Ne Sais Quoi: Sorry, I don't know what this means...

Jean d'Arc: The lightbulb is out in the bathroom.

Jeans: 1. Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits; 2. What chromosomes wear.

Jealousy: 1. The friendship one woman has for another; 2. The theory that some other fellow has just as little taste; 3. The tribute mediocrity pays to genius.

Jeep: 1. A cocktail shaker with three speeds; 2. A man’s most nearly successful effort to produce a mechanical mule; 3. A vehicle which, if it were struck by lightning, the lightning would be towed away for repair.

Jeet: (Southern) Have you recently had a meal?  Usage: “Jeet yet?”

Jello: The only food your husband has ever learned to cook.

Jesuits: An order of Priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

Jet Set: Gypsies with money.

Jew: (Southern) Did you. Usage: “Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?”

Jewdo: A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Jewelers: Men who ought to keep abreast of the times and rent wedding rings.

Jewelry: A woman's best friend.

Jiffy: One metric ton of peanut butter.

Jitterbug: 1. A Scotchman in front of a pay toilet; 2. Insect that's had too much coffee.

Joan of Arc: Noah's wife.

Job: 1. A place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting; 2. A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.

Job Vacuums: Employees who voluntarily sweep up extra duties & show strong work ethic.

Jobsolete: A position within a company that no longer exists.

Jockey: What a dentist uses when you won't open your mouth.

 

joe-ks.com: Largest Source of Internet Humour, eh!

Johnny Cash: A dime for the pay toilet.

Johnny-No-Stars: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

Joint Account: An account where one person does the depositing and the other the withdrawing – usually husband and wife.

Joint Chequing Account: A device to allow the wife to beat her husband to the draw.

Joint Custody: Looking after the stash.

Jonah: The original 'Jaws' story.

Journalism: 1. Literature in a hurry; 2. A profession whose business it is to explain to others what it personally does not understand; 3. The ability to meet the challenge of filling space.

Journalist: A person who works harder than any other lazy person in the world.

Joy Of Motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the kids are in bed.

Joy Ride: Going somewhere without the kids.

JTM: Japanese Tourist Mode - pointing your camera at, and shooting anything that moves.

Ju Here: (Southern) A question. Usage: “Ju here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?”

Jubliant: Triumphant insect.

Judge: 1. A law student who marks his own examination papers; 2. A lawyer who once knew a politician; 3. A man in a trying position.

Juggernaut: Jug full of nothing.

Juggling: The art of controlling patterns in time and space.

Juicy: Did you notice?

Jukebox: A device for inflicting your musical taste on people who wouldn’t give a plugged nickel for it.

Jumbo: Flying elephant.

Jump: The last word in airplanes.

Jumpsuits: What frogs wear for a night on the town.

June: The month when unmarried girls like to be well-groomed.

Junior Varsity: The team that everybody supports, but nobody goes to watch.

Junk: 1. Dad's stuff; 2. Something you keep ten years and then throw away two weeks before you need it.

Jury: 1. A body of twelve men selected to decide which of the contestants has the better lawyer; 2. A group of twelve people of average ignorance; 3. A group of 12 people, who, having lied to the judge about their health, hearing, and business engagements, have failed to fool him; 4. A body of citizens who will try anyone once.

Justice: 1. When your kids have kids of their own; 2. The insurance which we have on our lives and property; to which may be added, and obedience is the premium which we pay for it; 3. A decision in your favour; 4. Truth in action; 5. A system of revenge wherein the State imitates the criminal; 6. A law of nature rarely found in human affairs; 7. What's left in the glass after you've drunk the lemonade.

Juvenile: 1. That stage in a child's life when a youngster stops asking his parents where he came from and tells them where to go; 2. Small African river before it got huge.

Juvenile Delinquency: Modern term for what we did as kids.

Juvenile Delinquent: 1. A youngster who has been given a free hand but not in the proper place; 2. A kid who starts acting like his parents.

Juvenile Delinquents: Other people’s children.

Kamikaze: Japanese for cruise missile.

Kangaroo: 1. A pogo stick with a pouch; 2. An animal who carries her brood in a snood; 3. Nature's initial effort to produce a cheerleader; 4. Is “What did you say?” in the language of the Australian natives. (Captain Cook's mistake).

Kappa: What members of sororities or fraternities wear on their headas.

Karaoke: 1. Japanese for “Drunk with Microphone”; 2. Japanese for “tone deaf”.

Karate: A drink enjoyed by martial artists.

Karma: Justice without the feeling of satisfaction.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer, eh!

Keepsake: Something given us by someone we’ve forgotten.

Keratin: What preserved carrots are sold in.

 

Ketchup: 1. Motivation for the last runner in a race; 2. Come from behind; 3. What the runners behind in a race want to do; 4. The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right; 5. Command shouted at tomato that is slowest to ripen.

Kettle Drum: What musicians boil water in.

Key Ring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Keyboard: 1. Place to hang your keys; 2. The standard way to generate computer errors.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Khaki: A thing for starting a car.

Kibitzer: A guy with an inferiority complex.

KIBO: Knowledge In, Bullshit Out.

Kidnap: Something that a young child takes when tired.

Kidnapping: The short snatches of rest a parent gets when baby sleeps.

Kidney: 1. Midpoint of a child's leg; 2. An organ used to convert beer into urine.

Kids: 1. People to be nice to since they’re the ones who will choose your nursing home; 2. Ones who dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music.

Killing Time: Suicide on the installment plan.

Kilogram: Why Gramps is in jail.

Kilt: A costume sometimes worn by Scotsmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

Kin: An affliction of the blood.

Kindness: 1. Something you can’t give away since it always come back; 2. A language that the dumb can speak and the deaf can hear.

Kindred: Fear that relatives are coming to stay.

Kinetics: Science of understanding your family.

 

Kinship: Your rich Uncle’s boat.

 Kinstirpation: A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Kipper:1. An adult child still living in the home of his or her parents, often as a result of pressure in the housing market; 2. Fish that likes to sleep.

 KIPPERS: K(ids) I(n) P(arents') P(ockets) E(roding) R(etirement) S(avings)
Kiss: 1. Keep It Simple, Stupid; 2. A contraction of the mouth due to an enlargement of the heart; 3. A course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous; 4. A mutual interchange of salivary bacteria; 5. An indescribable something that is of no value to anyone but is much prized by the right two; 6. A noun; though often used as a conjunction it is never declined; it is more common than proper, is used in the plural, and agrees with all genders; 7. Nothing divided by two; meaning persecution for the infant, ecstasy for the youth, fidelity for the middle-aged, and homage for the old; 8. The anatomical juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in a state of contraction; 9. The shortest distance between two; 10. Two divided by nothing; 11. What the child gets free, the young man steals, and the old man buys; 12. Something that is taken at face value; 13. A lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous; 14. Mom medicine.

Kissing: 1. A means of shortening single life; 2. A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.

Kitchenette: A small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen.

Kleenex: 1. What men should be like: soft, strong, and disposable; 2. Your daily nose-paper; 3. The one item you will forget to take with you down the aisle which will result in your making a loud, wet, snuffling sound every ten seconds during the ceremony.

Kleptomaniac: 1. Someone who can’t help helping himself; 2. A thief with breeding; 3. A rich thief; 4. One who applauds obsessively.

Klutz: What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you're holding.

Knapsack: A sleeping bag.

Knewlyweds: Second marriage for both.

Knickerbockers: A long name for short pants.

 

Knighthood: Honour bestowed by a King to change the subject.

Knitting: An occupation that gives women something to think about while talking.

Knocker: A fellow who gets caught on the losing side.

 

Knockout: A woman who can box.

Knot: A tangle with a name.

Know-it-all: One who pretends to know something about everything but really knows nothing about anything.

Knowledge: Knowing that we cannot know.

Knowledge Silo: The person in the company who knows what they are talking about.

Kumpny: (Southern) Guests.  Usage: “Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper.”

Lab: A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect.

Laboratory Animals: Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.

Labour: A group which, in working for the five-day week, looks longingly for a five-day weekend.

Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work.

 Lackadaisical: Mood after someone steals your flowers.

Ladies’ Sewing Circle: Where more husbands are darned than socks.

Lady: 1. A woman who always remembers others, and never forgets herself; 2. A woman who has enough willpower to resist a man’s advances and enough wile power to block his retreat; 3. A woman who makes it easy for a man to be a gentleman; 4. One who never shows her underwear unintentionally.

Lady Garden: A woman's pubic region.
 

Lady Pilot: A plane Jane.

Lagoon: A French idiot.

Lake: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

 

Lamb: An animal that gets more sheepish with age.

Lamestream: 1. Traditional media providing news and entertainment, viewed as lacking the originality and daring of the blogosphere; 2. Of or relating to such traditional media.

Lamplify: Turning on (or up) the lights within a room.

LAN: To borrow as in, “Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.”

LAN Down Under: Local Area Network in Australia.

Landed Gentry: Men who are either married or engaged.

 

Landlord: A man who aims to lease.

Landmark: Imprint made by unsuccessful skydiver.

 Language: The blood of the soul into which thoughts run, and out of which they grow.

Lap: 1. What you lose every time you stand up; 2. What you have only when you are sitting down.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

Lapel: The only tangible thing to be grasped in an argument.

Las Vegas: 1. Cheesy done well; 2. Just wheels and wails; 3. The land of the spree and the home of the knave; 4. A place where men get chip-wrecked; 5. A place where wheels steer people; 6. Where good taste goes to die.

Lassie Faire: A carnival for collies.

Lassitude: A heroic dog with attitude.

Lasting Impression: What a Sumo wrestler leaves in his mattress.

Laugh: A smile that burst.

Laughing Stock: Cattle with a sense of humour.

Laughter: 1. The sound you hear when you logon to joe-ks.com; 2. The sensation of feeling food all over and showing it principally in one spot; 3. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It's infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.

Launch: Midday meal for astronauts.

Launch Pad: To throw a notebook at a classmate.

Launcher: One who eats a mid-day meal.

Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass.

Laundry: 1. A business with clothes competition; 2. A place where clothes are mangled; 3. A display of lawns; 4. A place where they turn pajamas into negligence.

Lavish: Resembling a lavatory.

Law: 1. The kind of ban than men forget; 2. A sort of hocus-pocus science that smiles in your face while it picks your pocket; 3. A net to catch the fly and let the hawk go free.

Law: (Southern) Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, “PO-leece”.  Usage: “We better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law.”

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of any itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Health Care: Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills.

Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of Packrattery: All files, papers, memos, etc. that you save will never be needed until such time as they are disposed of when they will become essential and indispensable.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Relativity: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Law of Resistance: When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Lawsuit: 1. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage; 2. Generally a matter of expense and suspense; 3. Something which nobody likes to have and nobody likes to lose; 4. Usually a loss-suit; 5. The attempted conversion of a personal grievance into a personal fortune; 6. A contest generally won by the party that can afford to reimburse the lawyers on both sides of the dispute.

Lawsuits: Clothes worn by an attorney.

Lawyer: 1. A fellow who is willing to go out and spend your last cent to prove he’s right; 2. A learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it himself; 3. A man who induces two other men to strip for a fight, and then runs off with their clothes; 4. A person who helps you get what’s coming to him; 5. He who is summoned when a felon needs a friend; 6. One who protects us against robbery by taking away temptation; 7. The only man in whom ignorance of the law is not punished; 8. A cat who settles disputes between mice; 9. Men whom we hire to protect us from lawyers; 10. One skilled in circumvention of the law; 11. A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics; 12. A person who goes in after the auditors and strips the bodies; 13. The larval stage of a Politician.


Layman: A citrus fruit.

Laziness: 1. The overwhelming ambition to lead a quiet life; 2. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.

Lazy Bones: An idle person's skelton.

Leadership: 1. Action, not position; 2. The art of getting somebody else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

Lean Years: What all of us hope for.

Leanardo De Cappuccino: Founder, coffee shop chain.

Learned Fool: One who has read everything, and simply remembered it.

Learning: The kinds of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Leash: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to practice playing dead, digging in the claws, and watching your human get frustrated.

Lecher: A stud with liver spots.

Lecture: 1. An entertainment at which it costs but little to look intelligent; 2. An occasion when you numb one end to benefit the other; 3. A process by which the notes of the professor become the notes of the student, without passing through the minds of either.

Lecturer: One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear, and his faith in your patience.
Lecturers: Traveling men who express themselves collect.

Leeks: Vegetables found in boats.

Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Leftafters: What's left after you've eaten the leftovers.

 

Leftovers: 1. Mull-again stew; 2. Repast history.

Leg: An appendage of the body. Most humans have two, which start at the ankles, and go all the way up to make an ass out of themselves.

 Legal: Used to mean lawful; now it means some kind of loophole.

Legal Secretary: Any girl over 18.

Legend: 1. A lie that has attained the dignity of age; 2. The edge of a cliff; 3. Gossip down the ages; 4. The foot.

Leisure: 1. The two minutes’ rest a man gets while his wife thinks up something for him to do; 2. The mother of philosophy.

Lemonade: To help out a lemon in trouble.

Lemonade Stand: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of fifteen cents.

Letter: A form of composition opening with an excuse for not opening sooner and closing with an excuse for not closing later.

Lettermen: Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered.

Level-headed Person: One who doesn’t get dizzy from doing good turns.

Lever: What a runaway husband does.

Leveraged Buyout: The gobbling of a big fish, often by a little fish with borrowed jaws.

 Lexdysia: This is “dyslexia” with the first two syllables reversed as a dyslexic person might read the word.

Lexicographer: A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of recording some particular stage inthe development of a language, does what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and mechanize its methods.

Liability: The art of convincing others of your innocence.

Liaise: To leave a message on the answerphone.

Liar: 1. One who tells an unpleasant truth; 2. One with not partition between his imagination and his information; 3. A lawyer with a roving commission.

Liberal: 1. A man who feel's it's his responsibility to spend a Conservative's money; 2. A man with his mind open at both ends; 3. One who has both feet firmly planted in the air; 4. A Church with four commandments and six suggestions; 5. Someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money; 6. One who tolerates all beliefs and opinions except those with which he disagrees; 7. Someone who won't take his own side in a quarrel; 8. A Conservative who just got arrested.

Liberty: 1. Consists in giving everyone full right to mind everyone else’s business; 2. Preserved in some countries – canned in others; 3. The privilege of being free from the things we don’t like in order to be slaves of things we do like.

 

Librarian: 1. A person who likes to shelve an idea; 2. Library employee that assists library patrons with questions. Rumored to be extinct since none can ever be found.

Library: An organized collection of obsolete materials.

Library Director: A bureaucrat with a fancy title, but with little to do. How often do libraries get lost?

License: Permit issued upon payment of a modest fee that allows fishermen to lose lures in a specified area.

Lie: 1. A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered up to date; 2. Ever-present help in time of trouble; 3. Man’s worst liability; 4. Something that fell from the truth in climbing towards it; 5. A place in a stream, river, or lake where fish lurk; 6. Any simple declarative statement made by an angler about the location of such a place... or the number, size, and type of fish observed there... or the circumstances under which one or more of them escaped capture.

Lie (golf): Position of a ball; also proclivity of a golfer.

Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Lies: The great lubricant of our way of life. They sell products, flatter the powerful, appease the electorate, and save vast sums from the IRS.

Lieutenant: The guy who rents the bathroom.

Lieutenant Commander: The wife of a lieutenant.

Life: 1. A hospital in which every patient is possessed by a desire to change his bed; 2. A predicament which precedes death; 3. A span of time of which the first half is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children; 4. Living expensively to impress people who live expensively to impress us; 5. Made up of trials, appeals, reversals, but few convictions; 6. School tablets; aspirin tablets; stone tablets; 7. Coming into the world wit nothing, leaving with nothing and, in between, giving everything to the IRS; 8. The garment we continually alter but which never seems to fit; 9. A play with a lousy third act; 10: A do-it-yourself project; 11. A chronic terminal disease; 12. A long lesson in humility; 13. A breathing spell; 14. A continuous series of disasters which result in one's death; 15. A long lesson in humility; 16. Life is like a horse - either you ride it or it rides you.

Life Buoys: Children who live in the sea.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich.

Life, Real: The alternative to video games.

Lifecasting: Live broadcasting on the internet on a personal web channel of one's daily activities videoed on a webcam.

 

Lifeguard: Beachnut.

Light: Fills a room but takes up no space.

Light Sleeper: Someone who naps on the chandlier.

Lightening Bolt: A piece of hardware used by Thor to keep things from becoming too heavy handed.

Lighthouse: 1. A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician; 2. House that weighs the least.

Likker: (Southern) Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon. Usage: “Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.”

Lilac: “He's a nice kid but he can lilac anything.”

Limit: Maximum number of a particular fish that an angler can take in a day. This number varies from place to place and species to species, but like the speed of light, it is a largely theoretical restriction with little practical application.

Line: Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

 Lingerie: The only clothing where less costs more.

Linguist: 1. A talented fellow who has mastered the ability to make mistakes in more than one language; 2. A person who can be misunderstood in many languages.

Linoleum Blownapart: Result of a grenade falling onto a kitchen floor in France.

Liposuction: A surgical procedure from which the patient emerges significantly lighter in both pounds and dollars.

Lipstick: 1. A device to make every kiss tell; 2. On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth; On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear.

Liquidate: Assignation with a mermaid.

Liquidated Damages: A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

Liquidity: When you look at your investments and wet your pants.

Liquor Store: A stupor market.

Lisp: Calling a spade a thpade.

Listening: 1. Silent flattery; 2. A willingness to let the other person change you.

Listless: What men become when their wives don't give them a list.

Liter: A bunch of young kittens.

Literacy: When your dog has puppies on an ocean voyage.

Literary Tea: A fete worse than death.

Litigant: A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

 

Little Leaguer: Peanut batter.

Little Red Riding Hood: A Russian contraceptive.

Livelihood: A crook on Ritalin.

Liver: A person who survives.

Living Bandage: Medicine skin grown from the patient's own skin cells in a culture and applied as a patch to a burn area, thus triggering new layers of skin growth.

Living Room: Where you stay to keep from dying.

Loafer: 1. A person who tries to make both weekends meet; 2. One who continues to live even though he complains that he can’t exist on the wages he turns down.

Lobotomy: A permanent numbing of the brain, generally accomplished through surgery but also attainable by watching any home shopping channel on a regular basis.

 Lobster: A tennis champion.

Lobster-Newburg: A dish ordered at hotels by those who usually get beans at home.

Local Bus: A device that makes mountains out of molehills.

Local Rules: A set of regulations that are ignored only by players on one specific course rather than by golfers as a whole.

 

Locate: Short Catherine’s nickname.

 

Lock: A thing that's all keyed up.

Locomotion: A crazy dance.

Locomotive: A crazy reason for doing something.

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.

Logarithms: Tunes played at a lumberjack's birthday party.

Logic: 1. An organized procedure for going wrong with confidence and certainty; 2. The system of thinking that tells us that out of snow you can’t make cheesecake; 3. The art of going wrong with confidence.

Logrolling: An aye for an aye.

Loiter: Not now.

Lollypop: Dad's money.

Long Speech: 1. Thank you very much; 2. A talk that can make you feel dubm on one end, numb on the other. (see also Short Speech)

Longevity: 1. Uncommon extension of the fear of death; 2. The secret to longevity is to keep breathing.

Look Out!: What is too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Loop, Endless: See Endless Loop.

Loquacity: A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.

LOS: Level Of Slaughter. A scale measuring the amount of violent pushback you will receive when presenting a paper which disproves current dogma within a given organization.

Los Angeles: 1. Ten suburbs in search of a city; 2. A fine place to live if you’re an orange.

Loser: Anyone too incompetent to master the ways of the world, or too proud.

Loss Law: Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe.

Lot: (Southern) Luminescent. Usage: “I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.”

Lottery: 1. A tax on fools; 2. A tax on people who are bad at math.

Lovable: Affection for a male bovine.

Love: 1. A conflict between reflexes and reflections; 2. A form of insanity which makes a girl marry her boss and work for him for the rest of her life without salary; 3. A form of self-government under a two-party system; 4. A lot of dame foolishness; 5. A man’s insane desire to become a woman’s meal ticket; 6, an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman’s board-bill for life; 7. It may be blind but the neighbours are not; 8. Oceans of emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses; 9. The delusion that one girl differs from another; 10. The triumph of imagination over intelligence; 11. The feeling that makes a woman make a man make a fool of himself; 12. The only game which two can play and both win; 13. Passing fiance; 14. A word made up of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools; 15. An exploding cigar we willingly smoke; 16. A temporary insanity curable by marriage; 17. An itch around the heart that you can't scratch; 18. A hot chilli pepper - you know it's going to make you cry, and still you go right ahead and eat it; 19. Like a radiator - keeps you warm, even when you know it's only hot air; 20. A power too strong to be overcome by anything but flight; 21. Means never winning at tennis; 22. A heart attack.

Love Letter: A noose paper.

Love Mile: One of a number of miles traveled by air, for the purpose of visiting friends and relatives who live far away.

Love Song: a caress set to music.

Lover's Leap: The distance between twin beds.

Low Bidder: A manufacturer's rep, who is wondering what he left out.s

Low-Bred: 'Raised' instead of brought up.

Low Neckline: Something you can approve of and look down on at the same time.

Lowbrow: A person who can’t appreciate something he doesn’t like.

Luck: 1. An explanation for the other fellows' success; 2. The thing that draws us for jury duty, but never for the lottery; 3. What happens when preparation meets opportunity.

LUGE: Newfie for Dubm Olympic sport.

Lullabuoy: An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Lullaby: The spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from a ogre to a saint.

Luminary: One who throws light upon a subject.

Lunarian: An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic (one whom the moon inhabits).

Lure: Anything used to attract fish. There are basically two kinds: those fishermen swear by, and those they swear at.

Luxury: 1. A necessity when it is found that you can make the down payment on it; 2. Any bare necessity – with the taxes added; 3. Anything a husband needs.

Luxury Resort: One where a waiter expects a $2 tip when he presents a $6 bill for serving a $3.50 bottle of beer.

Lymph: To walk with a lisp.

Lymphocytes: Where people with leg problems can walk.

Lyre: An ancient instrument of torture.

Lysdexia: A peech imspediment we live to learn with.

Macadam: The first man on Earth, according to the Scottish Bible.

 Macaroon: A Scottish cookie.

Macaw: What I have trouble starting on cold mornings.

Mace: A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from dissent.

Machine-Independent Program: A program that will not run on any machine.

Macho: A guy who jogs home from a vasectomy.

Macro: 1. The last half of the expression “Holy Macro!”; 2. Scottish bird.

Mad TV: A place to channel your rage.

Madam: Someone for whom the belles toil.

Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

Magic: An art of converting superstition into coin.

 

Magician: 1. A super duper; 2. A guy with an urge to suddenly vanish.

 Magnetism: A powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

 

Mahogany Row: A building or suite of offices housing C-level executives. Their desks are made of expensive wood, while the rest of us the worker bees work in gray cubicles with Formica-topped desks.

Maid Of Honour: Bride's closest friend, whom the groom will meet for the first time at the rehearsal dinner, and either fall madly in love with (thereby delaying the wedding plans), or hate intensely (thereby delaying the wedding plans).

Maiden Aunt: A girl who never had sense enough to say Uncle.

Mailman: The contact man with your installment creditor.

Maintenance: A man's cash surrender value.

Major: Area of study that no longer interests you.

Major Business Venture: One that can't be completed by dictating one letter.

Major Scale: (Southern) What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: “Damn! That was a major scale!”
Majority: 1. A large number of people who have gotten tired thinking for themselves and have decided to accept somebody else’s opinion; 2. The quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.

Makeup: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”

Mal de Mer: French for “You can’t take it with you.”

Malady: The correct way to address a female aristocrat.

Malaria: Several shopping centers close to each other.

Male: A domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

Male Bonding Ritual: Handy excuse for your husband to engage in infantile behavior with his buddies. Including, but not limited to: bowling, softball, poker, and spectator sport where there is a chance of sever injury to the participants, and any activity that includes beer drinking.

Malefactor: The chief factor in the progress of the human race.

Mammalia: A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.

Mammoth: Giant flying bug thing.

Mamogram: A telegram to Mom.

Man: 1. A creature of superior intelligence who elects creatures of inferior intelligence to govern him; 2. A creature who is trying to make something for himself rather than something of himself; 3. A creature whom God made little lower than angels, and who has been getting lower ever since; 4. A large irrational creature who is always looking for home atmosphere in a hotel and hotel service around a home; 5. One who wishes he were as wise as he thinks his wife thinks he is; 6. The only animal that cooks; 7. The only animal with brains enough to find a cure for the diseases caused by his own folly; 8. A being in search of meaning; 9. The second strongest sex in the world.

Man Flu: A minor cold contracted by a man who proceeds to exaggerate the symptoms enormously.

Man Hater: A girl who makes love with her eyes closed because she can't stand to see a guy having a good time.

Man Of The Hour: The fellow whose wife told him to wait a minute.

Management: A class of semi-skilled corporate hirelings whose rise within the organization correlates directly with the amount of work they delegate to their more-talented underlings.

Manager: Someone who doesn't know how to do your job, who tells you how to do your job.

Mancation: A man’s vacation. Generally includes lots of beer, a Redneck grill, slabs of meat for cooking and a sack of fireworks.

Mandals: Sandals for men.

Mandate: 1. An appointment with the boyfriend; 2. What every male homosexual politician wants.

 

Mandraulic: Labour intensive. Anything that requires a lot of people instead of machines to get the job done.

Manger: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO; 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
Manicurist: A girl who makes money hand over fist.

Manners: Noises you don't make when eating soup.

Manscaping: A grooming procedure in which hair is shaved or trimmed from a man's body (as from the back, legs, chest, genitals).

Manufracture: To produce items which break after little use.

Manure: How you say mother was acquainted with the girl.

Manuscript: Something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Maps: The shorthand of geography.

Marathon Runner: A person who is happy to be over the hill.

 Margin: Mother's ruin.

Marigold: Wed for money.

Marilyn Merlot: Dry Napa Valley wine.

Marinater: A herring aide.

Marines: A small, fouled-up Army talking Navy lingo.

Marionettes: Residents of Washington, D.C.

Maritime: Wedding day at the seaside.

Market: 1. Three women and a goose; 2. What teachers do to homework.

Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.

Marketing: Lying in loafers.

Marketing Executive: A drooler in loafers.

Marriage: 1. A book in which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose; 2. A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman; 3. A feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner; 4. A hit-or-miss proposition – if you don’t make a hit you remain a miss; 5. A mutual partnership with the husband as the mute; 6. An arrangement like the block-booking of motion pictures, in which a number of less desirable features muse be accepted in order to obtain one or two of major attraction; 8. An institution that changes a woman from an attraction to a distraction; 8. A process of finding out what sort of guy your wife would have preferred; 9. A souvenir of love; 10. A state where a woman is no longer hoping – just expecting; 11. A woman’s hair net tangled in a man’s spectacles on top of the bedroom dresser; 12. Before it, he talks and she listens; during the honeymoon, she talks and he listens; later, they both talk and the neighbours listen; 13. One long conversation, checkered by disputes; 14. The alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them; 15. The difference between painting the town and painting the back porch; 16. The first union to defy management; 17. The miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty and a life from a luxury into a necessity; 18. The only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force; 19. The only life sentence that is suspended by bad behaviour; 20. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making, in all, two.; 21. When a woman turns an old rake into a lawn mower; 22. A mutual partnership, if one remains mute; 23. Love parsonified; 24. Marriage makes two one; but you never can tell which one is the one; 25. The process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer; 26. A ceremony where the grocer acquires an account the florist once had; 27. A ceremony in which a woman gives the best years of her life to the man who made them; 28. A process whereby love ripens into vengeance; 29. An investment that pays you dividends if you pay interest; 30. Oceans of emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses; 31. An expensive way to get your laundry done free; 32. The only war where you sleep with the enemy; 33. Our last, best chance to grow up; 34. An agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master; 35. The only business that pays money to one of its partners after it fails; 36. The process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred; 37. A perfect moment frozen for a dull eternity; 37. The evil aye; 38. A deal in which a man gives away half his groceries in order to get the other half cooked; 39. A quiz show where you lose if you give the right answer; 40. A  relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband; 41. The mourning after the knot before.

 Marriage License: A noose paper.

Marriage Proposal: A speech often made on the purr of the moment.

Married Man: A fellow who used to think that being lonesome was man’s worst fate.

Married Woman: One who gives up the romantic attention of several men for the phlegmatic attention of just one.

Martial Arts: A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs - amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.

Martini: An olive with an alcohol rub.

 

Martyr: 1. A self-made hero; 2. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.

Martyrdom: 1. Telling your wife the exact truth and then having her refuse to believe a word of it; 2. The only way in which a man can become famous without ability.

Mash: (Southern) To press, as in the case of an elevator button.  Usage: “Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?”

Masochist: 1. Someone who is only happy when miserable; 2. Someone who builds dungeons in the air.

Mason-Dixon Line: A geographical division between “you all” and “youse guys.”

 

Masquerade Party: Telling the good guise from the bad.

Mass Psychology: Doing it the herd way.

Masseur: A limberjack.

Masseuse: A woman who doesn't keep her hands to herself.

Masturbation: The sin of emission.

Maternity Dress: A kind of magic garment that makes the heir unapparent.

Maternity Dressmaker: A mother frocker.

Maternity Hospital: An heirport.

Maternity Ward: The only place in the world where there isn’t a chance of dodging the issue.

Math Anxiety: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.

Math Class: A fraction of the day.

Mathemagician: A teacher who makes numbers disappear.

Mathematics: 1. Proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious way; 2. The science which uses easy words for hard ideas.

Matricide: Committing suicide on a rug.

Matrimony: 1. A knot tied by a preacher and untied by a lawyer; 2. An institution of learning in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree without acquiring a master’s; 3. It isn’t a word, it’s a sentence; 4. Like making a house call: you go to adore, you ring a belle, you give your name to a maid… and then you are taken in; 5. Something that the bachelor misses and the widower escapes; 6. The splice of life.

Mature Student: Annoying, 30+ class member, who takes up the professor's time with their inane anecdotes, and irrelevant questions and comments.

Maturity: 1. Accepting the consequences of your actions; 2. The time of life when, if you had the time, you’d have the time of your life.

Mausoleum: The final and funniest folly of the rich.

 

Mauve: Pink trying to be purple.

Maybe: 1. No; 2. The preamble to hope.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

 

Mayor: A he-horse.

 MC: A man who introduces people who need no introduction.

M.D.: Mentally deficient.

Me: The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three.

Mealtime: When youngsters sit down to continue eating.

Meander: To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess.

Meantime: Hate O'clock.

Meat: Grass once removed.

Meatspace: The physical world (as opposed to the virtual).

Medal: A pat on the chest.

Medical Insurance: What allows people to be ill at ease.

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.

 

Medicine: 1. A drug on the market; 2. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.

Medicine Cabinet: A thing which looks like a drugstore, only there are no sandwiches.

Medicine Dropper: A Doctor with greasy fingers.

 Medieval: Only half bad.

 

Meditation: Inner calm system.

Meek: They inherit the earth and it’s just as well – no one else would pay the inheritance taxes.

Meerkat: A cat with a reflective personality.

Meeting: 1. A mass mulling by master-minds where minutes are kept and hours are lost; 3. An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve the problem.

Megaflop: The worst movie you ever saw.

Megahertz: How your head feels after 3 six-packs.

Melancholy: 1. The pleasure of being sad; 2. Dog that likes watery fruit.

Memorial Service: A farewell party for someone who has already left.

Memory: The feeling that steals over one as he listens to a friend’s original stories.

Memory Dump: Amnesia.

Men: 1. Often in the backyard looking for four-leaf clovers when opportunity knocks at the front door; 2. Some dislike women without any reason while others like them that way.

Menace: A fellow on the dance floor with a rhumba mind and a waltz technique.

 Mendacity: Official explanation for slow disaster relief to large urban areas.

Menicillin: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?”

Menoporsche: Male menopause. Symptoms include a sudden lack of energy, crankiness and the overpowering urge to buy a Porsche.

Mensa: One of two choices at the back of an Italian restaurant.

Mental Block: A street on which several psychiatrists live.
 

Menu: A list of dishes a restaurant has run out of.

 Merger: When 1+1=1, with the remainder going on unemployment.

Mermaid: 1. A deep she fish; 2. A bottomless girl in a topless suit.

 

Merry-go-round: A vehicle for getting nowhere quickly.

 Metallic Age: The age at which one finds Gold in one's teeth, silver in one's hair, and lead in one's pants.

Metallurgist: 1. Someone who is allergic to iron; 2. A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or common ore.

Metaphysics: 1. A debate on whether the debaters exist and, if so, why; 2. An attempt to establish an alibi for the universe.

Meteorologist: 1. A man who can look into a girl's eyes and predict whether; 2. A wetter reporter.

Meteorology: The science of being up in the air and all at sea.

Meter Maid: A person who always does a fine day's work.

Metronome: A midget who works for MGM.

Microbe: A robe that the mics wear.

Microbiologist: An expert in short life histories.

Microblog: 1. An internet posting which is extremely short, designed to give a brief but immediate text update; 2. To issue such an internet posting.

Microbrew: The shortest distance between two pints.

 Microfiche: Sardines.

Microgrom: A young surfer, especially one under the age of ten.

Microphone: Some are metal discs and broadcast exactly what you say; others are rouge and lipstick and don’t.

Microsecond: 1. The amount of time it takes for a program to crash; 2. The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Microwave: An extra small wave.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Middle Age: 1. A man who remembers when corn-cure ads showed only the toes; 2 a time of life when our tripping becomes less light and more fantastic; 3. A time of life when winking at a girl is closing one eye to reality; 4. A time when you want to look fit as a fiddle, but bulge like a bass; 5. That period in a man’s life when he’d rather not have a good time than have to get over it; 6. That period in life when you can’t decide which there is more of – age or middle; 7. That period when a man begins to shed his hair, his teeth, and his illusions; 8. That period when a woman’s life appears to be all bleaches and cream; 9. That time in a man’s life when the elasticity lost from his sinews seems to settle in his conscience; 10. That time in life when we being to develop scales resistance; 11. That time of life when you’re reduced to reducing; 12. The time of life that affects us in the middle; 13. The time of life when a man can get exhausted simply by wrestling with his conscience; 14. The time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever; 15. The time when you’ll do anything to feel better, except give up what’s hurting you; 16. When the average person is going to begin saving next month; 17. When a man starts complaining that the cleaners are shrinking his suits; 18. When a man stops wondering if he can escape temptations and begins to wonder if he’s missing any; 19. When a woman takes her high school annual out of the bookcase and hides it where the children can’t find it; 20. When greener grass is something that just has to be mowed more often; 21. When many women consider mending their weighs; 22. When the girl you smile at thinks you are one of her father'’ friends; 23. When the girl you whistle at thinks you must be calling a dog; 24. When you are sitting at home on Saturday night and the phone rings and you hope it isn’t for you; 25. When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms; 26. When you can do as much as before, but don’t; 27. When you don’t care how long you stay out if you’re home by 9:00 P.M.; 28. When you go all-out and end up all-in; 29. When you laugh at pictures that you once prized; 30. When you look forward to a dull evening; 31. When you no longer care where your wife wants to go – so long as you don’t have to go with her; 32. When you’re as young as ever, but it takes a lot more effort; 33. When you’re grounded for several days after flying high for one night; 34. When you start eating what is good for your instead of what you like; 35. When you step on a scale and the balance is no longer in your favour; 36. When you still have the old spark, but it takes more puffing; 37. When you stop setting-up exercises and start setting over buttons; 38. When you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else; 39. When your past is present; 40. The time a man starts turning out the lights for economical rather than romantic reasons; 41. When you start thinking about your fiscal condition; 42. That period in life when your idea of getting ahead is staying even; 43. When you want to see how long your car will last instead of how fast it will go; 44. When you're not inclined to exercise anything but caution; 45. When work is no longer play and play is getting to be work; 46. When a woman's hair starts turning from gray to black; 47. When you're willing to get up and give your seat to a lady - and can't; 48. Having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

Middle-Aged: Someone twelve years older than you are.

Middle Class: 1. The people who live in public like the rich do, and in private like the poor do; 2. The wimpiest term in the lexicon of social taxonomy, meaning little more than not rich, not poor.

 

Middleman: One who works both ends against the middle.

 

Midget: Center engine of a fast 3-engine plane.

Midnight Oil: What you make popcorn in.

Midwife: Second wife in three marriages.

Migration: A headache birds get when they fly down for the winter.

Military: That which is not civil.

Military Expert: One who tells you what’s going to happen tomorrow – then tells you why it didn’t.

Military Science: That remarkable art in which the lessons learned in winning one war, if strictly followed, lose the next.

Milk: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

 

Milk Shake: Drink given by nervous cows.

Millennium: Something like a centennial, only it has more legs.

Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra (i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing).

Millinery Secret: One that should be kept under your hat.

Millionaire: 1. A billionaire after he pays his taxes; 2. A man who travels between his air-conditioned home and air-conditioned office in an air-conditioned car, then pays $50 to go over to the steam room at the club and sweat.

Millipede: Mildred used the little girl's room.

Mind: The most capricious of insects, flitting, fluttering.

Minicomputer: A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager.

 

Minimum: A small mother.

 Miniscule: A very small place used for educational purposes.

Minister: 1. A travel agent for the straight and narrow; 2. A man who collects the “I do's” for the union; 3. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility; 4. An officer sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign's hostility.

Minnesinger: Harmonic minor.

Minnesota: A state that has 10,000 lakes and 1,000 fish.

Minor: Less objectionable.

Minor Operation: One performed on someone else.

Minority Rule: A baby in the house.

Minute: That period of time in which, after keeping her husband waiting for an hour, a woman still promises to be ready.

Minute Man: 1. A guy who can make it to the refrigerator, fix a sandwich and a beer, and be back before the commercial is over; 2. A fellow who double parks in front of a house of ill-repute.

Miracle: 1. An event described by those to whom it was told by men who did not see it; 2. An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.

Miracle Drug: 1. Any medicine you can get the kids to take without screaming; 2. One that costs less than 3 figures.

 

Mirage: Where a ghost keeps his car.

Mirage A Trois: Act of having sex with two imaginary people.

Mirror: A truthful reflector shunned by vampires, hypocrites and aging fashion models.

Mischief: The chief's daughter.

Misconception: A pregnancy occurring while taking birth control pills.

Misdemeanor: An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society.

Miser: One who’s perfectly content to let the rest of the world go buy.

Misery: 1. A collection of misers; 2. The sinking feeling you get when introduced to the person your roomie fixed you up with because “the two of you are so much alike.”

Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.

Misfortuneteller: Someone who always tells you about the problems you are going to have in the future.

Misnomer: The right name for the wrong word.

Misogynist: A man who hates woman as much as women hate one another.

Missile: As good as a mile.

Mission Satement: A long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly. All good companies have one.

Mistake: Proof that somebody tried anyhow.
Mistakes: 1. The clues one pays for a full life; 2. The world's principal product.

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

 Mitosis: Fear of someone stealing your toast.

Mixed Company: What you are in when you think of a story you can’t tell there.

Mixed Emotions: To see your mother-in-law go over the cliff in your brand new Cadillac.

Mixed Foursome: A quartet of golfers composed of two separate grounds for divorce.

Mobile Phone: An electronic Swiss Army Knife - it can play music, take pictures, store data, and calculate your mobile phone bill. The one thing it doesn't do very well is send and receive voice communications.

Model Husband: One who thinks his wife’s headache is as important as his own rheumatism.

Model Wife: One who, when she spades the garden, picks up the fish worms and saves them for her husband.

 Modem: 1. What landscapers did to dem lawns; 2. How you got rid of your dandelions; 3. What you did to the hay fields.

Modern Age: When girls wear less on the street than their grandmothers did in bed.

 Modern Art: Oodles of Doodles.

Modern Country: One which can ban fireworks and produce atomic bombs.

Modern Employer: One who is looking for men between the ages of 25 and 30 with 40 years’ experience.

Modern Girl: 1. One who believes in marrying a man to find out if she can live without him; 2. One who’d rather be well formed than well informed; 3. One who sticks to the spinning wheel – until her chips give out.

Modern Home: 1. One in which a switch regulates everything but the children; 2. Where the dwellers would speedily become bored, idle, cold, hungry, dirty, and unkempt if the electricity was cut off.

 

Modern Housewife: One who dresses fit to kill and cooks the same way.

Modern Mother: One who worries if her daughter gets in too early.

Moderns: People who meet a crisis face to face after taking a pill.

Modern Party: One where there’s always rum for one more.

Modern Pioneer: The mother who manages to get through a rainy Saturday with the T.V. not working.

Modern Plays: Most of them have to be sin to be appreciated.

Modern Thrift: When we take care of the down payments and let the instalments take care of themselves.

Modern Wisdom: An open mind and a closed mouth.

Modesty: 1. The art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how important you are; 2. Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.; 3. The art of imperfectly concealing your talents; 4. The feeling that others will surely discover in a little while just how wonderful you are; 5. The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it; 6. That self-confident feeling that the world already knows or will soon find out.

Momentum: What you give a body when they are going away.

Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Monage A Trois: I am three years old.

Monarch: A king with a good publicity man.

Monarchy: Used to open doors in a Royal Palace.

 Monastery: 1. Consecration camp; 2. A multitude of monsters.

Money: 1. The mint makes it first and it’s up to us to make it last; 2. What we spend for luxuries and owe for necessities; 3. The best substitute for credit; 4. A blessing that's of no advantage to us except when we part with it; 5. Something that married couples rarely have, but seem to be able to argue about anyway; 6. An excellent servant, but a horrible master; 7. Something that doesn't grow on trees - you've got to beat the bushes for it.

Money Grabber: Anybody who grabs more money than you can grab.

Monitor: The thing you're looking at.

Monkey: 1. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees; 2. A key that won't open a door.

Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!  Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

 Monkey Business: A swinging corporation.

Monkey Time: Any duration when your lover picks pimples, blackheads and fleas off of you.

Monogamy: 1. Leaves a lot to be desired; 2. A marriage system in which subscribers are requested to return one wife before taking another.

Monologue: 1. A conversation between a husband and his wife; 2. A conversation between several hundred students and a professor.

Monophobia: The fear of not being able to listen to the radio in stereo.

Monotony: A system that allows a man only one wife.

Monsoon: 1. A typhoon that’s going steady with a tornado; 2. A French gentleman.

 Monumental Liar: A man who writes epitaphs.

Moon: 1. A heavenly body which sways the tide, and the untied, too; 2. A sky light.

Mooning: An ass in the pane.

Moose: An animal that has a head and horns on one end and a living room wall on the other.

Moraine: A storm predicted by the weatherman.

Moral Indignation: Jealousy with a halo.

Morality: 1. The attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike; 2. A traditional code of decency that went out the window about the same time as belief in eternal damnation; 3. An instinctive sense of right and wrong that tells some people how everyone else should behave.

Moratorium: That which results when an implacable creditor meets an unpayable debt.

Morbid: Higher offer.

 

More: The comparative degree of too much.

Morning: The time of day when the rising generation retires and the retiring generation rises.

Morning After: When getting up gets you down.

Morning Glory: Comes up when you plant the setting sun.

Morning Sickness: An opportunity to see if the inside of your toilet bowl is really clean.

 Morology: The study of stupidity.

Moron: 1. Something which in the wintertime girls wouldn’t have so many colds if they put; 2. A person who is more off than on (refer to Moroff).

Mortgage: 1. A house with a guilty conscience; 2. A device used to measure one's tolerance for people named Mort.

 

Mortician: A guy in a grave situation.

Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.

Mosquito: 1. A small insect designed by God to make us think better of flies; 2. The state bird of New Jersey.

Motel: 1. A love-inn; 2. The place where we exchange good dollars for bad quarters.

Moth: 1. A perverse creature that spends the summer in a fur coat and the winter in a bathing suit; 2. Green thtuff found on the north thide of treeth.

Mothball: What moths play football with.

 

Mother: 1. Mom's the word; 2. The person who feeds the mouth that bites her; 3. A person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.

Motherhood: 1. The longest guilt trip you'll ever take; 2. If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.

Mother-In-Law: 1. A referee with an interest in one of the fighters; 2. A talkie that has come to stay; 3. A woman who is never outspoken; 4. A mother in-awe; 5. A ready source of all knowledge, especially advice, history, and judgements.

Mother-In-Law Sandwich: Cold shoulder and tongue.

Mother’s Life: One darned stocking after the other.

 Motion Sickness: When you are sick and tired of Parliamentary Procedure.

Motivation: 1. Developing a healthier defeatist attitude than your co-workers; 2. When dreams put on work clothes.

Motivational Speakers: The professional wrestlers of the corporate world.

Motorcycle: A system of concepts worked out in steel.

Motocross: The wheel world.

Motorist: 1. A person who, after seeing a wreck, drives carefully for several blocks; 2. A person who forgets that he used to be a pedestrian.
Motorists: People in such a hurry to get into the next country that they often get into the next world.

Mountain Climber: An athlete who will climb to any heights to get a nosebleed.

Mountain Gloat: An animal which brags to other animals about its superior rock climbing skills.

Mourner: Same as a “nooner”, only sooner.

 Mouse: 1. An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate; 2. An animal which strews its path with fainting women; 3. Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”

Mouse Pad: Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Mouse Potato: The online generation's answer to the couch potato.

Mouth: 1. The grocer’s friend, the orator’s pride, the fool’s trap, the dentist’s salvation; 2. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.

Movie Actor’s Salary: The haul of fame.

Movie Trailer: A warning to next week's patrons.

Movies: The repository of myth.

M T:  Letters that contain nothing.

Muchablige: (Southern) Thank you.  Usage: “Muchablige for the lift, mister.”

Mucus: A cat swear word.

Mud Pack: Self-putty.

Mudpies: Organized grime.

Muffin Top: The unsightly roll of flesh that spills over the waist of a pair of too-tight pants.

Mug: Gullible drinks receptacle.

Mugger: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.

Mugging: Stealing someone's coffee.

Mugwump: 1. An animal that sits on a fence with its mug on one side and its wump on the other; 2. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. A term of contempt.

Mulatto: A child of two races, ashamed of both.

Mule: 1. An animal that is stubbornly backward about going forward; 2. An animal who boasts that his ancestors were horses.

Multiplication Table: Longest table in the world.

Multipliers: Pliers used in arithmetic.

 Multitasking: Messing up several chores at the same time.
Mumbo-jumbo: Large mumbos (i.e. mumbling elephant)

Mummery: A bouquet of chrysanthemums.

Mummies: Egyptians who were pressed for time.

Munchkin: What cannibals do to relatives.

Mundane: The day following a heavenly weekend.

Munitions Manufacturers: Patriots who want to sell us rifles for protection against foreign powers to whom they have already sold cannons.

Munts: (Southern) A calendar division. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.”

Murderer: Someone presumed to be innocent until he is proved insane.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Museum: A dead circus.

Mushroom: 1. A motel for quickies; 2. The place where they store the school food; 3. A room that has no sides, no walls, no doors and no ceilings.
Mushrooms: Because they grow in damp places, they resemble umbrellas.

Music: 1. The only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing; 2. Moonlight in the gloomy night of life; 3. When one of the nine muses is not feeling well.

Music Lover: A man, who upon hearing a soprano in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole.

Music Video: How film school cinematographers and posturing post-pubescent stars collaborated to keep rock music on artificial life support long after it should have died naturally.

Musical Comedy: Where all good joe-ks go just before they die.

 Musician: Someone who makes a living by playing around.

Musing: The result of a cat attempting the scales.

Mustang: An uncontrollable desire to drink synthetic orange juice.

 

Mustard Plaster: A bosom friend.

Mutant: 1. An ant that does mime; 2. Mother's sister after her stroke; 3. Genetically altered ant.

Mystery: How the Joneses do it on that salary.

Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-pinter in your bed instead.

Myth: 1. A female moth; 2. An effeminate moth; 3. A story that everyone accepts but no one believes; 4. A long-term fib.

Nacho Cheese: It belongs to someone else.

Nag: A woman with no horse sense.

Nagament: When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Nagging Woman: One who keeps a swivel tongue in her head.
Nagivator: Someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly critical manner.

Nail: A slender round object with a flat head at which you aim at while you hit your thumb.

Nails: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

Naive Person: Anyone who thinks you are interested when you ask how he is.

Naked: How you should show up for work in order to divert attention from the fact that you’re drunk.

NAND: The Boolean operator meaning “not and” for use in database searches. The 'N' prefix can be used with other words. NBUTTER means Margarine; NTRUTH means Politician; and NHILLARY means modest.

Nanosecond: Mork's stunt man.

Nap: 1. A brief period of sleep which overtakes superannuated persons when they endeavor to entertain unwelcome visitors or to listen to scientific lectures; 2. What your grandfather, who has a deviated septum and consequently snores like a freight train, will take in the front pew, during your wedding ceremony.

 Napkin: A lapkerchief.

Narcissist: Psychoanalytic term for the person who loves himself more than his analyst.

Narcotic: Anything habit-forming that dulls the sense and induces sleep, like an all-night cable news program or a diabolical sudoku book.

 

Nasal Spray Salesman: A guy who goes around sticking his business up other people’s noses.

Nasty Habit: What you get when you cross a vampire with a nun.

National Debt: America's most outstanding public figure.

 

Nationality: A state of being a state.

Natural: A very difficult pose to keep up.

Naturalist: Carefully compiled information about plants and animals.

Nature: A mutable cloud which is always and never the same.

Nature Lover: A person who, when treed by a bear, enjoys the view.

 

Naught: Something that is nothing.

 

Naval: A useful place for holding salt while one eats celery in bed.

Naval Destroyer: A hula hoop with a nail in it.

Navvy: Misspelling of a bunch of people going around in boats.

Nawthun: (Southern) Anything that is not Southern.  Usage: “He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system.”

Nazigator: An overbearing member of your carpool.

Necessity: 1. Almost any luxury you see in the home of a neighbour; 2. The mother of taking chances.

Neck: 1. Something which, if you don’t stick out, you won’t get into trouble up to; 2. To conduct an experiment in comparative physiology.
 

Necking: A passion fancy.

Necrophilia: The uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Needle: Formerly hard to find in a haystack; now hard to find in a woman’s hand.

 

Negligent:  1. When you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown; 2. Lingerie salesperson.

Negotiate: To seek a meeting of the minds without the knocking together of heads.

Negotiating: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.

Neighbour: 1. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he can to make us disobedient; 2. A person who is out of something.

Neighbours: 1. The strangers who live next door; 2. People who live near you, who are never around when you need to borrow power tools or jumper cables, but who are everywhere when you are having a heated argument with your spouse.

Nepotism: 1. A form of favouritism - relatively speaking; 2. Putting on heirs.

Nep-tune: Music heard in space.

Nerd: A person whose life is completely enveloped by technology.

Nerdcore: A subgenre of hip-hop music characterized by subject matter considered of interest to nerds (i.e. technology, politics and science fiction; geeksta rap).

Nero: A Roman who was careless with candles.

Nervous Wreck: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches.

 

Net: A lot of little holes tied together with string.

Neurosis: A substitute for legitimate suffering.

Net Profit: What a fisherman earns.

Net Worth: Measurement of a fisherman's wealth.

Network: 1. Successful fishing; 2. A pattern, reticulated and decussated at equal intervals with interstices between the intersections; 3. Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line; 4. To spread misinformation.

Networks: What a successful shrimper says.

Neurasthenic: A person who is always on pills and needles.

Neurosis: Fresh flowers.

Neurotic: 1. A person who has discovered the secret of perpetual emotion; 2. A person who, when you ask how she is, tells you; 3. A woman who calls a doctor when all she wants in an audience; 4. One who believes the world owes him a loving; 5. Someone who worries about things that didn't happen in the past instead of worrying about things that won't happen in the future; 6. A self-taut person; 7. Sane but unhappy about it.

Neurotic-Psychotic: Neurotic: A person who builds castles in the air; Psychotic: Someone who moves into them.

Neutrino: A neutered Italian.

New Baby: An event similar to an opera – full of grand marches and loud cries for the author every night.

New Hairdo: A way to get your husband to appreciate the old one.

New Journalism: Print the truth - don't offend anyone.

New Pasta Diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping.

 New Year's Eve: The Special Olympics of inebriation.

New York City: 1. Where everyone mutinies but no one deserts; 2. The City of Brotherly Shove.

New Yorkers: People who get acquainted with their neighbors by meeting them in Miami.

Newborn Baby: Fresh heir.

Newfangled: Grandpa shows off his latest set of dentures.

 

Newly Hatched Termites: Babes in the wood.

Newlywed: 1. What you and your spouse will officially be considered until your first anniversary, or until you go an entire week without sex (whichever comes first); 2. A man who puts up the storm windows the first time his wife suggests it.

News: 1. Anything that makes a man say, “For heaven’s sake!”; 2. The same thing happening today that happened yesterday, but to different people; 3. The disasters of the day; 4. An illusion created by two people talking fast for 45 seconds.

News Broadcast: 1. Airing the world's linen; 2. A device for amusing one half of the world with the other half's troubles.

Newspaper: 1. A circulating library with high blood pressure; 2. A portable screen behind which man hides from the woman who is standing up in a bus; 3. A publication that condemns gambling on the editorial page and prints racing tips on the sports page; 4. A signal from the human that you are to jump onto their lap and practice paper shredding.

Newspapers: Dead trees with information smeared on them.

Next Week: The time when a good picture is coming to the movie theater.

Niagara Falls: 1. Water on the rocks; 2. The bride's second great disappointment.

Nice Girl: One who whispers sweet nothing-doings in your ear.

Nickname: Your own name with the suffix “ster” attached in a forced awkward attempt at familiarity... the Joe-kster

Night: 1. When words fade and things come alive; 2. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole again; 3. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree.

Night Club: 1. A place where the tables are reserved and the guests are not; 2. A place where they get away with murder and you face the charges; 3. A place where they take the rest out of restaurant and put the din in dinner; 4. A place where people with nothing to remember go to forget; 5. The only place in the world where you pay $15 for a ringside seat and do all the fighting yourself.

Night Clubs: Where people with nothing to remember go to forget.

Night Gown: A nap sack.

Night School: Academy where Dracula and the wolfman went to study.

 Night Watchman: One of those people who can manage to make a living without a single day's work.

Nightingale: To spend a night outside in the wind.

Nihilist: A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.

 

Nincomputer: A Newfie dropout from a data processing school.

Ninety-Ninety Rule: The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.

Nipper: Baby crab.

Nipples: Something without which breasts would be pointless.

NIRVANA: In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to understand it.

Nitrate: 1. Cheapest price for calling long distance; 2. Cheaper than day rate.

Nitty Gritty: How a dirty scalp looks, up close.

No: The feminine of yes.

No-Account: The man without a bank account.

Noah Rule: Predicting rain doesn't count; building arks does.

Nobility: One who has no ability.

Noble: “Is that a fact?”

 Nobleman: Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious to incur social distinction and suffer high life.
Node: Was aware of.

Noggin: A half a cupful of whatever.

 Noise: 1. Earitation; 2. An imposition on sanity, and we live in very noisy times.

Noisette: Small, crunching sound a nut makes when it is cracked.

Noli illegitimi carborundum: Don't let the bastards grind you down.

Non Mi Recordo: My VCR has screwed up.

Nonchalance: The ability to look like an owl when you have behaved like an ass.

Nonsense: The objections that are urged against this excellent Wacky Dictionary.

 

Noose: The tie that binds.

Nophyllactic: A seldom-used, super-powerful form of birth control. Unlike the prophyllactic's barrier method, the nophyllactic utilizes the word “no” to avoid conception.

Norm: Just a regular kinda guy.

Normal: 1. Getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need t pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it; 2. Having the usual eccentricities.

Normalize: Doesn't need glasses.

No-Sell Phones: Phones that automatically disconnect sales calls.

 Nose: The scenter of your face.

Nostalgia: 1. Looking for the place you wouldn’t move back to; 2. A file that removes the rough edges from the good old days; 3. Trimming the Christmas tree with popcorn made in the microwave oven.

Nostalgia Buff: One who finds the past perfect and present tense.

 

Notator: No gravy, either…

Note and Initial: To spread the responsibility.

Notwithstanding: How to win a sitting contest.

Novel: A short story padded.

Novelty: 1. A library of novels; 2. Unusual-tasting herbal beverage.

NTSC: Never Twice the Same Colour.

Nuclear Physicist: One who has many ions in the fire.

 

Nucleus: A group of physicists.

Nude Models: The reason for your sudden interest in art.

Nudism: 1. Exposure with composure; 2. A back to the form movement; 3. A person who goes coatless and vestless, and wears pants to match; 4. One suffering from clothestrophobia; 5. The only person with less pocket space than a sailor; 6. A person who grins and bares it; 7. One who has acquired nothing since birth except nerve.

Nudist Camp: 1. A place where men and women air their differences, bare with each other, live life in the raw, greet each dawn as a nude day, and are all together in the altogether. To join, just leave your name and dress; 2. A place where the peeling is mutual.

 

Numb: 1. A sensation you feel when you don't; 2. What your face will be after six straight hours of smiling for wedding pictures.

 Number: Make her less sensitive.

Numbered: A calendar's days.

 Numerals: Symbols used in a form of lying called statistics.

Numerology: The numbers racket.

 

Numismatics: Collecting money for fun.

Nun: 1. A creature of habit; 2. The tallest of the Penguin species.

 Nurse: 1. A woman whose business is to make sickness a pleasure; 2. A young women who holds your wrist and then expects your pulse to be normal.

Nursery: 1. Bawl room; 2. A school for nurses.

 Nurses: Patient people.

Nutritionist: Someone who knows what's good for you.

Nutritionize, nutritionalize: To turn something generally considered bad for you into something healthy to eat. Seen on the side of a catering truck: “Nutritionized for kids.”

Nymphomania: A disease where the patient enjoys being bedridden.

Nymphomaniac: A woman as obsessed with sex as the average man.

 Oaf: An old fashioned jerk.

Oar: Clumsy wooden implement used to moisten boat occupants.

Oats: A grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people.

Obesity: A surplus gone to waist.

Obliment: An obligatory compliment.

Oboe: An ill woodwind that nobody blows good.

Observant: What a biology teacher tells you to do when out looking for bugs.

 

Observatory: What the Liberal politician told his spy to do.

Obsolescence: 1. What happens to your car once it’s paid for; 2. What happens to your computer and software after you get it setup and working the way you want.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Obstacles: Those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Obstinate Person: One who doesn't hold opinions; they hold him.

Obvious: The most dangerous word in mathematics.

Occidental: Something unplanned that happened in the Far East.

Occupation: The principal thing one engages in to avoid thinking.

Ocean: 1. Huge body of water surrounded entirely by rumours of everlasting peace; 2. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man... who has no gills; 3. A large body of water entirely surrounded by trouble; 4. What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

Ocelot: A person who is heavily indebted.

Octagon: A triangle with five sides.

 

Octogenarian: A man who makes the same mistake he did at seventy.

Octopus: 1. An eight-sided cat; 2. A fish built like a corporation.

 Odious: Bad poetry.

Offal: Something dreadful.

Off-Campus Parking: Ample extra parking usually found in an adjoining state.

Offence: Aggressive-looking boundary around your house.

Office : 1. A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life; 2. A clean, functional, brightly lit cell inhabited five days a week by diligent souls who forfeit their lives to make a living.

Office Automation: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.

Office Party: Source of blackmail for the oncoming year.

Office Picnic: When the boss goes on his vacation.

Office-seeker: A person who is either appointed or disappointed.

Officialese: A government language where you can understand the words, but not the sentences.

Oh No Second: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

Oil: The flammable liquid residue of fossilized prehistoric plants and beasts, found to be suitable for fueling engines and Middle East conflicts.

 

OK: “Yes” in two words.

Old: One who can remember when a juvenile delinquent was a kid who owed eight cents on an overdue library book.

Old Age: 1. When you find yourself using one bend-over to pick up two things; 2. A time when a man sees a pretty girl and it arouses his memory instead of his hopes; 3. When all girls look good to you; 4. When you don’t recognize either the host or the musical guest on Saturday Night Live; 5. That time of life when you don’t care where your wife goes, just as long as you don’t have to go with her.

Old-Fashioned Girl: 1. One who has never been kissed – and admits it; 2. One who says, “I don’t intend to be married till I’m thirty,” while her modern sister says, “I don’t intend to be thirty until I’m married”; 3. One who hasn’t the slightest idea what old-fashioned is.

Old Maid: 1. A debutante who overdid it; 2. A girl who has been looked over and then overlooked; 3. A girl who knows all the answers but is never asked the questions; 4. A girl who regrets she had so much sense when she was young; 5. A girl who spends too much time chinning and not enough time necking; 6. A “yes” girl who never had a chance to talk; 7. Slipping beauty.

Old West: A place where men were men and smelled like horses.

Oldster: One who remembers when child guidance was something parents were expected to administer, not submit to.

Old-Timer: 1. A fellow who remembers when rockets were just part of a fireworks celebration; 2. A man who can remember when a careless driver, out his girl, let the horse stop to graze; 3. A man whose summer vacation was one day at the country fair; 4. A man who turned out the gas while courting, instead of stepping on it; 5. A person who can remember when he could remember; 6. A real old-timer can remember when Sunday drivers let off steam by shaking their buggy whips at each other; 7. One who can recall when a bureau was a piece of furniture; 8. One who can recall when a shoemaker stuck to his last, and wives stuck to their first; 9. One who can remember when callers rang the doorbell instead of blowing the horn; 10. One who can remember when folks sat down at the dinner table and counted their blessings instead of calories; 11. One who can remember when grand-pap wore his suspenders the way modern gals wear a one-strap evening dress; 12. One who can remember when the woman he left behind stayed there; 13. One who can remember when there were no deductions in his pay until he got home; 14. One who can remember when women had no figures to speak of; 15. One who can remember when you couldn’t eat a dollar’s worth at a cafeteria; 16. One who has never been able to figure out why women still take as much time to dress as they did when they wore clothes; 17. One who remembers when a babysitter was called a mother; 18. One who remembers when a child had more brothers and sisters than fathers; 19. One who remembers a housewife putting food into cans, instead of taking it out; 20. One who remembers when a dishwashing machine had to be married, not bought; 21. One who remembers when a man did his own withholding on his take-home pay; 22. One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization; 23. One who remembers when dancing was done with the feet; 24. One who remembers when he could buy a pound of steak for a dime, but forgets he had to work an hour to earn the dime; 25. One who remembers when, if a woman told how many quarts and pints she had on the shelf, she meant canned fruit; 26. One who remembers when it cost more to run a car than to park it; 27. One who remembers when marriage problems were solved, not dissolved; 28. One who remembers when modern meant being up to the minute, instead of years and years ahead; 29. One who remembers when only fighting men died with their boots on; 30. One who remembers when people were more intelligent than machines; 31. One who remembers when people who wore blue jeans worked; 32. One who remembers when the medicine man used to come to town on a wagon instead of a television signal; 33. One who remembers when the only people who paid income taxes were those who could afford to; 34. One who remembers when the only problem about parking was to get the girl to agree to it; 35. One who remembers when we just laughed at the fellow who thought he was going to set the world on fire; 36. You’re an old-timer if you can remember when any man who washed dishes worked in a restaurant; 37. One who can remember when the village square was a place – not a person; 38. One who can remember when the wonder drugs were mustard plasters and castor oil; 39. One who can remember when you built your garage on top of your house and called it an “attic.”; 40. A grandfather clock; 41. A person who remembers when you didn't start to shop for Christmas until after Thanksgiving.

 

Oleate: What Ole did when he went to a restaurant.

Oleomargarine: 1. The food of people who haven’t seen butter days; 2. Something you have to take for butter or worse.

Olfactory: Texas petroleum refinery.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Omelette: An Ebonic word from the Louisiana Public School System, as in: 'I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.'

On Line: 1. Where you hang your laundry to dry; 2. The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.

On Time: An obscure term, meaning unknown.

One: Slightly more than none.

One Scent: The cost of a skunk.

Onion: A vegetable that builds you up physically but tears you down socially.

Onion Rings: Worn by vegetables when they get married.

Oniony: Something that sounds or appears real, but likely is the product of someone’s imagination, much like a story in The Onion, the news satire Web site.

Online: Where to stay when takin' a sobriety test.

Oologist: A pusher for egg-suckers.

Open: 1. Allowing unobstructed entrance and exit; 2. Not shut, as in mouth; 3. The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

Open Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.

Open Mind: 1. A mind in which convictions go out as fast as they come in; 2. One that is too porous to hold a conviction.

Opera: 1. Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of dying, he sings; 2. Music that goes in one aria and out the other.

 

Opera Tryouts: 1. Trial and aria; 2. Italian vaudeville where you get stabbed and, instead of bleeding, you sing.

Operas in English: About as sensible as baseball in Italian.

Operatics: Bugs that live in an opera house.

Operation: A surgical job taking minutes to do and years to describe.

Operetta: 1. A girl who works for the telephone company; 2. An Italian telephone worker.

Opinionated People: Little rotund islands of complacency anchored in a sea of prejudices.

Opportune: Music played by entertainer on a pogo stick.

Opportunist: 1. A person who, finding himself in hot water, decides he needs a bath anyway; 2. One who meets the wolf at the door and appears the next day in a fur coat.

Opportunity: A favourable occasion for grasping a disappointment.

Oppose: To assist with obstructions and objections.

Optical: When your eyes itch.

Optimism: 1. A cheerful frame-of-mind that enables a tea kettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose; 2. The noble temptation to see too much in everything; 3. Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven’t sent one out.

Optimist: 1. A fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out; 2. A fellow who goes into a hotel without baggage and asks to have his cheque cashed; 3. A fellow who is always talking about what a fool he used to be; 4. A girl who mistakes a bulge for a curve; 5. A guy who starts putting on his shoes when the speaker says, “And now, in conclusion…”; 6. A happychondriac; 7. A hope addict; 8. A man who is just starting to shovel out a long driveway (Pessimist: one who has been working at it for five minutes); 9. A man who marries his secretary – thinking he’ll continue to dictate to her; 10. A man who thinks a woman in a phone booth will be right out when he hears her starting to say good-bye; 11. A man who, while waiting for a woman, keeps his motor running; 12. A middle-aged man who believes that the cleaners have been shrinking the waistband of his pants; 13. A person who puts a 5˘ stamp on a letter and marks it “rush”; 14. A single man contemplating marriage (Pessimist: a married man contemplating it); 15. A woman who leaves the dinner dishes because she will feel more like washing them in the morning; 16. One who already has his bad breaks relined; 17. One who calls a spade two spades; 18. One who doesn’t care what happens – so long as it doesn’t happen to him; 19. One who makes the best of conditions, after making the conditions the best possible; 20. One who says his glass is half-full, while the pessimist says his is half-empty; 21. One who thinks humourists will some day run out of definitions of an optimist; 22. Someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way; 23. Someone who thinks he has a new definition of one; 24. The man who thinks his wife has given up when she has given in; 25. The sort of man who marries his sister’s best friend; 26. Someone who thinks things can’t get worse – after they get worse; 27. One who, when he falls in the soup, considers himself in the swim; 28. A fisherman who takes a camera with him when he goes fishing; 29. A person who looks forward to enjoying the scenery on a detour; 30. The person who thinks he will never be a sucker again; 31. One who laughs to forget, whereas a pessimist forgets to laugh; 32. The human personification of spring; 33. A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river; 34. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white; 35. A husband who goes down to the marriage license bureau to see if maybe his has expired; 36. One who spends his last dollar to buy a money belt; 37. A woman who thinks the man she's about to marry is better than the one she just divorced; 38. An anti-skeptic; 39. An optimist is one who hopes that all women are bad (a pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad); 40. Someone who allows his teenage son to borrow the car; 41. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in (a pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves).

Optometrist: A person you have to see.

Optorectomy: An operation severing the connection between your rectum and your eyes, hopefully to alleviate your crappy outlook on life.

Oral Contraceptive: The word “no”.

Oration: A flood of words and a drought of reason.

Orator: 1. A man who’s willing to lay down your life for his country; 2. An unpopular wind instrument.

Oratory: 1. A solitary vice performed in public; 2. The art of making deep sounds from the chest seem like important messages from the brain.

Oratoreador: An orator who specializes in throwing the bull.

Oratory: The art of making deep noises from the chest sound like important messages from the brain.

Order: The shape upon which beauty depends.

Order of Sharps: What a wimp gets at the bar.

Oregano: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.

Organ: A large upright bagpipe.

Organ Recital: A group of women discussing their operations.

Organ Transplant: What you do to your piano when you move.

 

Organic Farm: Tilling like it is.

Orgasm: 1. The gland finale; 2. The punch line some women just don't get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joe-k.

Orgasmi: The art of erotic paper folding.

Oriental Grocery Clerk: A Chinese checker.

Originality: 1. Undetected plagiarism; 2. A pair of fresh eyes; 3. The art of concealing your source; 4. The fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Orphan: 1. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude; 2. What you'll wish you had been when you see the outfit your mother has planned to wear to your wedding.

 Orthodox: Bone doctors.

Orthopodist: A Doctor who gets all the breaks.

Orthorexia Nervosa: An eating disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to eat only what are considered to be healthy foods, resulting in a dietary imbalance.

Osmosis: An early Australian prophet.

Osteopath: A man who works his fingers to your bones.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

 

Ostrich: 1. The giraffe among birds; 2. A chicken who has spent years in a bodybuilding program.

OTOH: On The Other Hand.

Otter: What water becomes as you heat it.

 

Ouch!  The class yell of the School Of Experience.

Ouija Board: A device used by Yes Men.

Our National Air: Carbon monoxide.

Out: Where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs she belongs to calls with a very important message.

Out Of Bounds: An exhausted kangaroo.

Out-Of-Doors: That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.

Outdo: To make an enemy.

Outlaws: A menace to society, but in-laws are worse.

Outpatient: Person who has fainted after seeing a Doctor's bill.

Outside: Side of a house that gets the most rain.

Ova: Finished, done with.

Ovair: (Southern) In that direction.  Usage: “Where's yo paw, son?” “He's ovair, suh.”

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

 

Overbear: A better place to be than under one (maybe…).

 

Overeating: An activity that will make you thick to your stomach.

Overstuffed Recliner: Mom's nickname for Dad.

Over-Time: Time spent doing the work you never quite got round to doing in the day.

Overture: Someone who masticates too loudly.

Overweight: Just desserts.

Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Oxyacetylene Torch: Used for lighting hidden, stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the socket drawer (what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter.

Oxygen: The plural of ox.

Oyster: 1. A large crane; 2. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Oysters: The most tender and delicate of all seafoods. they stay in bed all day and night. They never work or take exercise, are stupendous drinkers, and wait for their meals to come to them.

 

Oyster Stew: A food in which you sometimes find a pearl but rarely an oyster.

 

Ozone: A place in the alphabet between “n” and “p”.

Pacifist: 1. Substitute for a pacifier; 2. A guy who fights with everybody but the enemy; 3. A fellow who could attend a peace conference without getting into a fight.

Packet: What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

Padded Bra: A false front.

Paddleball: Sport that hurts the most.

Paddy O Furniture: Irish lawn chairs.

Pain: An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.

Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critics.

Pajamas: Items of clothing that newlyweds place beside the bed in case of fire.

Palate: What a cannibal did to his friend.

Palaver: A kind of sweater.

Palm Tree: A tree with hands.

Palmistry: A method of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in 'reading character' in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. Character can be read very accurately this way, for the wrinkles in every hand plainly spell the word 'dupe.' The imposture consists in not reading it aloud.

 

Pancake: It always has to wait its turn.

 

Pandemonium: 1. A high rise housing development for pandas; 2. A din of iniquity.; 3. A black and white musical instrument.

Panic: 1. A sudden desertion of us, and a going-over to the enemy of our imagination; 2. What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.

Panther: Someone who panths.

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

Pantomime: A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.

Pantry: 1. A collection of pants; 2. A trouser cupboard.

Pants: Something a dog does and a man steps into.

Pap Smear: 1. A fatherhood test; 2. To say bad things about your father.

Paper: 1. Remains stationary while prices are rising; 2. Tree squeezings.

Paper Clip: The primary tool of an engineer. Common uses are ejecting disks from locked up Macintoshes or CD-ROM drives that don't want to give you your CD back, testing batteries, and prying staples out of things that shouldn't have staples in them. Not to be used to hold paper together.

Paper Napkin: Its only ambition is to get down off your lap and play on the floor.

Par (golf): Mathematical perfection, usually attained with a soft pencil and a softer conscience.

Parable: A heavenly story with no earthly meaning.
Parables: 1. Twin male bovines; 2. Two bad puns.

Parachute: 1. A device that makes it possible to walk back from an airplane ride; 2. A double-barreled shotgun.

Parachutist: A guy for whom nothing ever opens up.

Paradigms: Not enough for a cup of coffee or a phone call these days.

 

Paradise: 1. Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon; 2. Two perfect little cubes with dots on them; 3. An amusement park for those who have died.

Paradox: Two physicians.

 

Paraffins: Found on sides of fish.

Paragon: The model man a woman regrets she gave up for the one she mistakenly married.

 

Paralyze: 1. Two untruths; 2. Two far-fetched stories.

Paranoia: Knowing all the facts.

Paranoid: A couple interrupted by a cop in lovers' lane.

 

Parasite: 1. One who goes through a revolving door on another’s push; 2. A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm, a biographer, or a reporter.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Parasols: Two men named Sol.

Paratrooper: 1. A drop out; 2. A soldier who climbs down trees he never climbed up; 3. The only man who gets up in the world by falling down on the job.

Pardon: To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.

Parent: 1. A person who believes the words “progeny” and “prodigy” are interchangeable; 2. (collegiate definition) the kin you love to touch.

Parenthood: Feeding the mouth that bites you.

Parents: 1. One of the hardships of a minor’s life; 2. Persons who spend half their time worrying how a child will turn out, and the rest of the time wondering when a child will turn in; 3. People who use the rhythm system of birth control; 4. People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds; 5. The one thing children wear out faster than shoes.

 Paris: The place where a man who has money to burn meets his match.

Park: Before children: a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck”;   After children: a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Parking: Top golfer at the country club.

Parking Lot: A place where arguments start from scratch.

Parking Lot Attendant: Professional fender bender.

Parking Meter: 1. A snitching post; 2. An automatic device that bets a dollar to your nickel that you can’t get back before the time runs out; 3. A device that makes you do two hours shopping in one.

Parking Space: 1. An unfilled opening in an unending line of cars near an unapproachable fire hydrant; 2. An unoccupied place on the other side of the street; 3. Something you see when you haven’t got your car; 4. That area that disappears while you are making a U-turn; 5. A place occupied by someone already there.

Parody: A collection of pears.

 Parole: A period at the end of a sentence.

 

Paronomasia: A pun pal.

Parrot: A bird with the ability to imitate man, but not the brains to refrain from doing so.

Parsley: A chef's idea of décor.

Parthenon: The she-wolf who nursed Romeo and Juliet.