Paraprosdokian Definition: “Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.”
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Evening news is where they begin with “Good Evening,“ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Going to Church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, “In case of emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
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