Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
Give me a man who sings at his work. - Thomas Carlyle

A goal without a plan is just a wish. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

If you want peace, you must work for justice. - Pope Paul VI

Never despair, but if you do, work on in despair. - Edmund Burke

If you're willing to work, others will let you. - Unknown

I do not like work, even when somebody else is doing it. - Mark Twain

Work keeps at bay three great evils: boredom, vice and need. - Voltaire

When you play, play hard; when you work, don't play at all. - Theodore Roosevelt

Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. - Will Rogers

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Edison

There is one higher office than president and I would call that patriot. - Gary Hart

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius

In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed. - Sid Caesar

Science becomes dangerous only when it imagines that it has reached its goal. - George Bernard Shaw

Never be ashamed of the work you have done, only the work you haven't done. - Unknown

You need to overcome the tug of people against you as you reach for high goals. - George S Patton

Forget all the reasons it won't work and believe the one reason that it will. - Unknown

If you want to have more, you have to become more. You have to grow into your goals. - Jim Rohn

I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. - Thomas Jefferson

I had the most boring office job in the world - I used to clean the windows on envelopes. - Rita Rudner

A first-rate laboratory is one in which mediocre scientists can produce outstanding work. - Patrick M.S. Blackett

The richest people in the world look for and build networks. Everyone else looks for work. - Robert Kiyosaki

Be steady and well-ordered in your life so that you can be fierce and original in your work. - Gustave Flaubert

Striving for success without hard work is like trying to harvest where you haven't planted. - David Bly

Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. - Newt Gingrich

You need a plan to build a house. To build a life, it is even more important to have a plan or goal. - Zig Ziglar

They shared the chores of living as some couples do - she did most of the work and he appreciated it. - Paula Gosling

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost

I'm a farm boy. If we need five people to haul in hay, we don't take one and just work them to death. - Lincoln Davis

What's a good investment? Go home from work early and spend the afternoon throwing a ball around with your son. - Ben Stein

What politicians want to create is irreversible change because when you leave office someone changes it back again. - Estelle Morris

It is not enough to take steps which may some day lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. - Robert Orben

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28

I'd rather work with someone who's good at their job but doesn't like me, than someone who likes me but is a ninny. - Sam Donaldson

Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer

Study while others are sleeping; work while others are loafing; prepare while others are playing; and dream while others are wishing. - William Arthur Ward

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you're interested in 'balancing' work and pleasure, stop trying to balance them. Instead make your work more pleasurable. - Donald Trump

I do not love to work out, but if I stick to exercising every day and put the right things in my mouth, then my diabetes just stays in check. - Halle Berry


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25-Jun-2019