Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Medicine is the best medicine. - Doctors Anonymous
The greatest wealth is health. - Virgil
Laughter is the best medicine. - the Joe-kster
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet
Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Max Eastman
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. - WC Fields
Health insurance should be a given for every citizen. - Jesse Ventura
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx
If you ignore your health for long enough, it'll go away. - Unknown
How much pain have cost us the evils that have never happened. - Thomas Jefferson
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
Shared pain is lessened; shared joy, increased - thus do we refute entropy. - Spider Robinson
In nothing do men more nearly approach the gods than in giving health to men. - Cicero
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. - Joseph Campbell
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
You purchase pain with all that joy can give and die of nothing but a rage to live. - Alexander Pope
Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham
But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon. - Dag Hammarskjold
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
You might be a nurse if you firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. - Unknown
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child
When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When health is lost, something is lost. When character is lost, all is lost. - Rev. Billy Graham
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
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Australian Wildfire Survivor
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