Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
The first wealth is health. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Where a man feels pain he lays his hand. - Dutch Proverb
Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. - Plato
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx
Champions expect pain, endure pain, and never complain. - Unknown
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
Through pain I've learned to comfort suffering men. - Virgil
It is easy to stand a pain, but difficult to stand an itch. - Chang Ch'ao
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. - P.J. O'Rourke
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. - Sophocles
Out of suffering comes creativity. You cannot spell painting without pain. - John Lithgow
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. - Joseph Campbell
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh
You purchase pain with all that joy can give and die of nothing but a rage to live. - Alexander Pope
But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi
Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you
known it is healed. - Lyanla Vanzant
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon. - Dag Hammarskjold
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
Do something everyday that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. - Mark Twain
There are two ways you can get through pain. You can let it destroy you, or you can use it as fuel to drive you: to dream bigger, to work harder. - Taylor Swift
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