Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
The first wealth is health. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Pain will leave you, when you let go. - Jeremy Aldana
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. - WC Fields
Through pain I've learned to comfort suffering men. - Virgil
Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome
Out of suffering comes creativity. You cannot spell painting without pain. - John Lithgow
Humor does not diminish the pain - it makes the space around it get bigger. - Allen Klein
In nothing do men more nearly approach the gods than in giving health to men. - Cicero
Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. - Phyllis Diller
People don't trust private health insurance companies for all the right reasons. - Bernie Sanders
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben
Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying
My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass. - Leslie Grimutter
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
When you’re a nurse you know that every day you will touch a life or a life will touch yours. - Unknown
I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall
You might be a nurse if you firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. - Unknown
The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer
Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw
Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child
Just like a shoe, if someone is meant for you, they will fit just perfectly. No forcing, no struggling, and no pain. - Unknown
The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Do something everyday that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. - Mark Twain
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
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