Aunt From Desert Storm

End of story morals


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

“Johnny, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, ’til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?”

“Stay the heck away from Aunt Judy when she’s been drinking.





QuotaBills
A thankful heart is the parent of all virtues. - Cicero

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world. - Bill Watterson

Do well and you will have no need for ancestors. - Voltaire

Family is not an important thing - it's everything. - Michael J. Fox

The presidency is temporary, but the family is permanent. - Yvonne de Gaulle

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. - WC Fields

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. - J Paul Getty

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield

I know love at first sight can work. It happened to my parents. - George Clooney

There is never a problem child; there is only a problem parent. - A.S. Neill

I come from an Irish Catholic family, and hell-raising is part of the DNA. - Brian Dennehy

Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone. - John Ciardi

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. - Dave Barry

My favourite place to eat is my grandma's kitchen. She makes a mean crab cake. - Karlie Kloss

There's no road map on how to raise a family: it's always an enormous negotiation. - Meryl Streep

Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what farmers have been doing all along. - Unknown

I think the genetics of being Irish are that you sort of prefer when it's rainy and cloudy. - Kate Flannery

There are only two lasting bequests we can give our children - one is roots, and the other, wings. - Hodding S. Carter

You leave home to seek your fortune and, when you get it, you go home and share it with your family. - Anita Baker

Grilling outside with my parents at the Jersey shore. We would grill lobster and corn in the summer. - Bobby Flay

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan

Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present and future. - Gail L. Buckley

Every family story has 1,000 other stories contained within it, like an unending series of nesting dolls. - Alison Pick

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. - George Burns

There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his. - Helen Keller

There's no environment I can think of that would have remained constant enough to preserve dinosaur DNA. - Hendrik Poinar

Children aren’t happy without something to ignore,
And that’s what parents were created for. - Ogden Nash

I don't think he's gonna come Edith. He just ain't got none of that, waddya call, family unconscious. - Archie Bunker

Life's golden age is when the children are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car. - Unknown

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. - Steven Wright

Hello. I don't believe we have been introduced. R2-D2? A pleasure to meet you. I am C-3PO, Human-Cyborg Relations. - C-3PO

The family, that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor in our innermost hearts never quite wish to. - Dodie Smith

Children despise their parents until the age of forty, when they suddenly become just like them, thus preserving the system. - Quentin Crewe

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood. - Phyllis Diller

Clay. It's rain, dead leaves, dust, all my dead ancestors. Stones that have been ground into sand. Mud. The whole cycle of life and death. - Martine Vermeulen

In a big family the first child is kind of like the first pancake. If it's not perfect, that's okay, there are a lot more coming along. - Antonin Scalia

What ya eat ain't got nuttin' to do with how old ya are. That all depends on your ancestors. It's what they call a matter of heresy. - Archie Bunker

How shall a man escape from his ancestors, or draw off from his veins the black drop which he drew from his father’s or mother's life? - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. - Oscar Wilde


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24-Aug-2019