Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster
I miss you, Mom...
Mother is a verb, not a noun. - Shonda Rhimes
Ignorance is the mother of admiration. - George Chapman
Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. - Oprah Winfrey
Air pollution is turning Mother Nature prematurely gray. - Irv Kupcinet
My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
Life began with waking up and loving my mother's face. - George Eliot
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield
The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries
A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot
My mom always said normal is just a cycle on the washing machine. - Wynonna Judd
Adam was the luckiest man in the world - he had no mother-in-law. - Sholom Aleichem
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born. - Rodney Dangerfield
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud
The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - John Wooden
There's only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - English Proverb
The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology. - Ray Romano
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. - Groucho Marx
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. - Oscar Wilde
A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary. - Dorothy Fisher
There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one. - Jill Churchill
When my wife asked me to start a garden the first thing I dug up was an excuse. - Henny Youngman
Your mother's down there throwing a monkey wrench into the halls of justice. - Archie Bunker
A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. - Rodney Dangerfield
My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind. - Les Dawson
One of the most important things a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Ray Chenoweth
My mother had this amazing attitude in the face of everything, including when she got cancer. - Bill Clinton
A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle
Sayin' grace - it's just thankin' Mother Nature, whose 1st name just happens to be Grace. - Archie Bunker
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield
For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman
The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton
In Hollywood, you play a mom, and the next thing you know, you're on The Golden Girls. They age you so fast. - Gabrielle Union
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple
My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop. - Winston Churchill
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon
My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation. - Mark Twain
A Mother’s Day Special
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A Woman’s Mind
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Mother’s Day Gift - Not
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