Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster
I miss you, Mom...
Mother is a verb, not a noun. - Shonda Rhimes
Ignorance is the mother of admiration. - George Chapman
Getting caught is the mother of invention. - Robert Byrne
You're not famous until my mother has heard of you. - Jay Leno
My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation. - Robert A. Heinlein
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - WC Fields
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born. - Rodney Dangerfield
My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. - WC Fields
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman
There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one. - Jill Churchill
Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. - Marion C. Garretty
When my wife asked me to start a garden the first thing I dug up was an excuse. - Henny Youngman
A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman
Middle Age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature. - Harold Coffin
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield
A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. - Peter DeVries
A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall. A mother's secret hope outlives them all. - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong, even though they say it's okay in the Bible. - Homer Simpson
There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock
The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton
In most homes, the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space. - Evan Esar
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. - Milton Berle
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield
When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. - Sophia Loren
How shall a man escape from his ancestors, or draw off from his veins the black drop which he drew from his father’s or mother's life? - Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon
My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation. - Mark Twain
A Mother’s Day Special
A Mother’s Love
A Woman’s Mind
Looking For Your Wife?
Mother’s Day Gift - Not
Real Man’s Point System
Bacon Face Breakfast
Inner Tube Swimmers
The Five Second Rule
Save The Hot Dog
Russian King Kong
Divorce Yard Sale
Young At Heart