Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster
I miss you, Mom...
Mother Superiority - Archie Bunker
Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb
An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. - Spanish Proverb
Necessity, who is the mother of our invention. - Plato
Me and your mother ain't no duke or duke-ess. - Archie Bunker
The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. - Jackie Gleason
You're not famous until my mother has heard of you. - Jay Leno
A mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled. - Emily Dickinson
Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side. - Archie Bunker
The titular head... that's the mother, ain't it? - Archie Bunker
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation. - Robert A. Heinlein
She's descended from a long line her mother listened to. - Gypsy Rose Lee
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. - Hubert Humphrey
A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker
A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot
My mom always said normal is just a cycle on the washing machine. - Wynonna Judd
Cooking certain dishes, like roast pork, reminds me of my mother. - Maya Angelou
Adam was the luckiest man in the world - he had no mother-in-law. - Sholom Aleichem
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born. - Rodney Dangerfield
I know enough to know that when you're in a pickle... call Mom. - Jennifer Garner
Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters
My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist. - Robin Williams
My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams
Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse
My mother had this amazing attitude in the face of everything, including when she got cancer. - Bill Clinton
In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman
I realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know. - Mitch Albom
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno
A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield
Drunk Man: "I can't bear fools."
Dorothy Parker: "Apparently your mother could." - Dorothy Parker
I love those hockey moms. You know what they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is? Lipstick. - Sarah Palin
To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow. - Maya Angelou
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield
The rhythm of the footsteps, the sound of whatever is coming down the ladder is driving both me and my mom steadily toward peeing our pants. - Kendare Blake
When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. - Sophia Loren
This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon
My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation. - Mark Twain
A Mother’s Day Special
A Mother’s Love
A Woman’s Mind
Looking For Your Wife?
Mother’s Day Gift - Not
Real Man’s Point System
Rural Free Delivery
Fractured Foot or Hand?
March of the Penguins - Canadian Version