Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster
I miss you, Mom...
Gin was mother's milk to her. - George Bernard Shaw
I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested. - Unknown
Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb
Necessity, who is the mother of our invention. - Plato
Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a Tiger Would. - Unknown
No man should plant more garden than his wife can hoe. - Old Saying
A mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled. - Emily Dickinson
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation. - Robert A. Heinlein
Life began with waking up and loving my mother's face. - George Eliot
A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the janitor. - Lucille Kallen
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? - George Carlin
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman
The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology. - Ray Romano
Necessity may be the mother of invention, but play is certainly the father. - Roger von Oech
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. - WC Fields
Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. - Milton Berle
My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey
Middle Age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature. - Harold Coffin
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby
I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. - P.J. O'Rourke
Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse
It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen
You don't have to deserve your mother's love. You have to deserve your father's. - Robert Frost
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle
Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall. A mother's secret hope outlives them all. - Oliver Wendell Holmes
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. - Henny Youngman
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth". - Groucho Marx
For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow. - Maya Angelou
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry
The rhythm of the footsteps, the sound of whatever is coming down the ladder is driving both me and my mom steadily toward peeing our pants. - Kendare Blake
How shall a man escape from his ancestors, or draw off from his veins the black drop which he drew from his father’s or mother's life? - Ralph Waldo Emerson
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
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