Jewish Weapons of Mass Indigestion
Kosher food that stays in Israel
Food that stays with you far too long a time
Israel’s punishment for escaping slavery


A pancake-like structure, not to be confused with anything a
first-class health restaurant would put out.
In a latke, the oil remains inside the pancake.
It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkes
can be eaten with applesauce but could also be used to comb
your hair, shine your shoes or lubricate your automobile.
There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees, they lit a
latke by mistake and it burned for eight days.
What is certain is that you will have heartburn for
the same amount of time.
It tastes great but will stop your heart if the grease gets cold.


Israel’s punishment for escaping slavery. It consists of a simple
mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all.
When made especially well, it could actually taste like a
cardboard box recycled from the Tel Aviv city dump.
Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you
for a long time - sometimes far too long - and you are advised to
eat lots of prunes with it.
If the prunes do not work, try castor oil (or even gun powder) as
a last resort before a surgeon has to mine it out.

Kasha Varnishkes

One of the little-known “delicacies” that is even more difficult to
pronounce than it is to cook. It has nothing to do with varnish, but
is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bowtie noodles (not macaroni).
Why bowties? Many sages in the Old Testament discussed this and
agreed that an ancient Jewish mother must have decided,
“Son, you can’t come to the table without a tie or, God forbid,
place your elbow on the table.” If Mamma said “bowties,” you
better believe that’s what the family used, even if they had to
invent them on the spot.


Not to be confused with the German war machine’s “blintzkreig.”
Can you imagine the Jerusalem Post in ’39 with huge headlines
announcing: “Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes
on Poland. Shortage of sour cream expected”?
Basically, this is the Jewish answer to Crepe Suzettes. They are
actually offered on the menu at the local International House of
Pancakes, but no one there knows what the heck they are.
In ignorant bliss, they often serve them frozen from the blintz
factory. No modern woman will take time to make them if she can
find a grocery store selling frozen ones (assuming she can find
someone in that store who knows where they are kept).


You know Scottish Haggis? Well, this it ain’t. Remember what
I say if you should go to the Highlands. You do not want to eat
Haggis, no matter how much Scotch you’ve downed. In the old days
they would take an intestine and stuff it to make kishke.
Today we use parchment paper or plastic (made in China).
And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour and
spices. The skill is not to cook it alone, but to add it to the
cholent (see below) and let it simmer for 24 hours until there is
no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.
The gravy can be purchased in bulk at any southern
Bisquitville drive-thru.


They sound worse than they taste. There is a rabbinical debate on
their origins. One Rabbi claims they began when a Chinese
fortune cookie fell into the chicken soup.
Another claims they started in an Italian restaurant, where the
owner yelled at the chef, “Disa pasta tastes like-a krep!”
Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy, and the amount of meat
inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law
who cooked it. Tastes best if made in a Manhatten deli where
they serve the soup by the barrel-load.


This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of
Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley,
potatoes and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and
anything else it comes into contact with. Precursor of Superglue.
At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher, of course) I once heard
this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of
Mexican refried beans:
“What, they serve leftover cholent here too?”
A Jewish American Princess once came up with something original
for her guests (her first and probably last cooking attempt at the
age of 25). She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper.
The guests never came back. The dogs ate the burgers but
later threw up and had to be taken by ambulance to the
pet emergency room.

Gefilte Fish

A few years ago, an Israeli politician had problems with the filter
in his fish pond, and a few of his fish got rather stuck and mangled.
His son (5 years old at the time) looked at them and asked,
“Is that why we call it ‘ge-filtered fish?’ ”
Originally it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable
mixture. Today it usually is comprised of small fish balls eaten
with horseradish (pronounced “chrain” to rhyme with “insane,”
which you have to be to inflict it on your innards) and is judged
on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.
The very name of this dish frightens fully grown and sophisticated
gentiles, and they actually run when it is merely mentioned.


How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish
defense weapon, the bagel?
Like most foods there are legends surrounding the bagel, although
I don’t know any other than it was first discovered when
unsugared donuts accidentally petrified.
There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel
were the Norwegians who couldn’t get anyone to buy smoked lox.
Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating smoked salmon or
trout on white bread? Rye? A cracker?
The Israel Defense Forces research lab looked for something hard
and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream
cheese, and which doesn’t take up too much room in
desert-maneuvers ration kits.
And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe
the hole is the essence and the dough is only there to indicate
where the hole is placed.

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