Redneck Engineering Exam

Cheat Sheet from a smart Redneck college student


1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) ’66 Ford Fairlane B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
* For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

11. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

How Rednecks succeed at College

QuotaBills
The engineering is secondary to the vision. - Cynthia Ozick

Architecture begins where engineering ends. - Walter Gropius

I've won at every level, except college and pro. - Shaquille O'Neal

I'll take a drug test, if you'll take an IQ test. - Fritz Hollings

The best intelligence test is what we do with our leisure. - Laurence J. Peter

The tests of life are not meant to break you but make you. - Norman Vincent Peale

Study history. In history lies all the secrets of statecraft. - Winston Churchill

Chocolate is medicinal. I just did another study that confirms it. - Michelle M. Pillow

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. - Benjamin Franklin

I was a great student at a great school, Wharton School of Finance. - Donald Trump

Test yourself with the impossible, and you will know your capability. - Unknown

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now. - Groucho Marx

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test. - George W. Bush

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy

The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching. - John Wooden

Descartes commanded the future from his study more than Napoleon from the throne. - Oliver Holmes

I wanted to study to be a dental hygienist, marry a rich dentist, and hang it up. - Vicki Lawrence

I don't love studying. I hate studying. I like learning. Learning is beautiful. - Natalie Portman

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. - Woody Allen

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first and the lesson after. - Vernon Law

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. - Marty Allen

Scientists discover the world that exists; engineers create the world that never was. - Theodore von Karman

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what farmers have been doing all along. - Unknown

If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society. - Jaden Smith

If a young person has any idealism at all, it's strongest about the time he finishes college. - Sargent Shriver

The real test of your character is your treatment of those who can be of no possible service to you. - Unknown

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. - Mark Twain

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. - Steven Wright

Not every puzzle is intended to be solved. Some are in place to test your limits. Others are, in fact, not puzzles at all. - Vera Nazarian

The Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower. They're monumental. They're straight out of Page 52 in your school history book. - Billy Crystal

If you study a subject every day, for one hour a day, for five days a week - in five years you will become an expert in that area. - Earl Nightingale

Never look down to test the ground before taking your next step; only he who keeps his eye fixed on the far horizon will find his right road. - Dag Hammarskjold

Whenever you are embarrassed, just remember that in 1999 NASA destroyed a $655 Million project because the engineers mistook kilograms and pounds. - Unknown

I was thrown out of college during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final - I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college. - Bill Vaughan

The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson. - Tom Bodett

If you want to succeed, worry less about what college you get into and more about doing your homework, taking care of your chores and being nice to other people. - Jay Mathews

I suppose it is because nearly all children go to school nowadays and have things arranged for them that they seem so forlornly unable to produce their own ideas. - Agatha Christie


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21-Jul-2019