St. Patrick’s Day Joe-ks

One of the girls must be quite ill

Tall Irish tales


“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.


Water To Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”


The Reunion

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why, of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” “Of course,” says the second. Curious, the first asks: “Where in Ireland?” “Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin.”
“Of course” The second man can’t help himself so he asks, “What school did you attend?”
“Saint Mary’s”, replies the first man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is becoming unbelievable!!!” They say in unison. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s up?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replied the bartender.
“The O’Malley twins are drunk again!”


The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.”
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill.”


Lost At Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

QuotaBills
I am very proud to be Irish. - Philip Treacy

The gun is not out of Irish politics. - Ian Paisley

To marry the Irish is to look for poverty. - J.P. Donleavy

I'm Irish. I think about death all the time. - Jack Nicholson

I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn

The Irish are a very popular race - with themselves. - Brendan Behan

I had that stubborn streak, the Irish in me I guess. - Gregory Peck

An Irish wedding is a tame thing to an Irish funeral. - Mary Deasy

I have a thing for red-haired Irish boys, as we know. - Sandra Bullock

Yelling Irish, you can sound like an angry Leprechaun. - Norman Reedus

The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch. - James Boswell

Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part. - Irish Blessings

If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks. - Brendan Behan

The Irish seem to have more fire about them than the Scots. - Sean Connery

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

I'm from durable stock. I'm made to work. I'm Irish. - Mary McCormack

Irish Alzheimer's - you forget everything except the grudges. - Unknown

God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish. - Unknown

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick. - Samuel Beckett

In Ireland, a writer is looked upon as a failed conversationalist. - Unknown

Irish people are educated not only about artistry but local history. - Fiona Shaw

I had an Irish Catholic education. Horrible nuns, vindictive and cruel. - John Lydon

Like an Irishman's obligation, all on the one side, and always yours. - English saying

Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me. - Colin Farrell

What's the use of being Irish if the world doesn't break your heart? - Unknown

The Irish and British, they love satire, it's a large part of the culture. - Ben Nicholson

Let everyone leave all the guns - British guns and Irish guns - outside the door. - Martin McGuinness

The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers

I think of myself as being Jewish and Irish, despite the fact that I'm English. - Daniel Radcliffe

If you put an Irishman on a spit, you can always get another Irishman to baste him. - George Bernard Shaw

My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey

An Irishman can be worried by the consciousness that there is nothing to worry about. - Austin O'Malley

I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big. - Bill O'Reilly

At the heart of the Irish economy has always been the philosophy of tax competitiveness. - Bono

There are only two kinds of people in the world: the Irish and those who wish they were. - Irish Saying

The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it. - Sidney Littlewood

I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole

The Irish do not want anyone to wish them well; they want everyone to wish their enemies ill. - Harold Nicolson

The trouble with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, with absolutely no talent. - Hugh Leonard

Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown

I think the genetics of being Irish are that you sort of prefer when it's rainy and cloudy. - Kate Flannery

Ireland is a small but insuppressible island half an hour nearer the sunset than Great Britain. - Thomas Kettle

Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to. - Unknown

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet. - Oliver Herford

I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie. - Jimmy Fallon

What a pity Hell's gates are not kept by O'Flynn
The surly old dog would let nobody in. - Patrick Ireland

The problem with being Irish is having 'Riverdance' on your back. It's a burden at times. - Roddy Doyle

Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy. - William Butler Yeats

That's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke. - Sean O'Casey

I was freelancing for years in Cork and around. I also wrote freelance pieces for 'The Irish Times.' - Kevin Barry

An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth. - Unknown

Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste. - Tug McGraw

As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt

May you always walk in sunshine. May you never want for more. May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door. - Irish Blessings

The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad.
For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad. - G K Chesterton

Isn't it a very curious thing that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland an' the English brought in the fleas. - Frank McCourt

I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the same. - Iris Murdoch

It is Ireland's sacred duty to send over, every few years, a playwright to save the English theatre from inarticulate glumness. - Kenneth Tynan

I'm Irish, so I'm used to odd stews. I can take it. Just throw a lot of carrots and onions in there and I'll call it dinner. - Liam Neeson

Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien


see also   Irish  &  St. Patrick’s Day   Sections
Going Green for Ireland
Green Beards
Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey!
Irish Alzheimers
Irish Bar
Irish Birth Control
Irish Blessings and Sayings
Irish Drink
Irish Exam
Irish Flood
Irish Sky Garden Crater
Irish Virgin
Irish Weather Forecasting
Little Leprechaun
St. Patrick’s Day Riddles
St. Patrick’s Dog
Swimming Buddies
What’s Under The Kilt?

 

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Fly By Meal
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21-Aug-2019