St. Patrick’s Day Joe-ks

One of the girls must be quite ill

Tall Irish tales


“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.


Water To Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”


The Reunion

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why, of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” “Of course,” says the second. Curious, the first asks: “Where in Ireland?” “Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin.”
“Of course” The second man can’t help himself so he asks, “What school did you attend?”
“Saint Mary’s”, replies the first man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is becoming unbelievable!!!” They say in unison. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s up?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replied the bartender.
“The O’Malley twins are drunk again!”


The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.”
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill.”


Lost At Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

QuotaBills
No man is an Ireland. - Richard Daley

My soul is still Irish. - Ciaran Hinds

I am very proud to be Irish. - Philip Treacy

I'm Irish. We think sideways. - Spike Milligan

Everyone is wise until he speaks. - Irish Drinking Toast

The gun is not out of Irish politics. - Ian Paisley

To marry the Irish is to look for poverty. - J.P. Donleavy

When Irish eyes are smiling, watch your step. - Gerald Kersh

Our Irish blunders are never blunders of the heart. - Maria Edgeworth

You never miss the water till the well has run dry. - Irish Proverb

An Irish wedding is a tame thing to an Irish funeral. - Mary Deasy

Yelling Irish, you can sound like an angry Leprechaun. - Norman Reedus

The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch. - James Boswell

Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part. - Irish Blessings

Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown

My Irish derivation has nothing to do with me. Why should it? - Carroll O'Connor

I'm an Irish Catholic and I have a long iceberg of guilt. - Edna O'Brien

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish. - Unknown

It is a symbol of Irish art. The cracked looking-glass of a servant. - James Joyce

The Irish are a very fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Unknown

Politics is the chloroform of the Irish people, or, rather the hashish. - Oliver St. John Gogarty

Like an Irishman's obligation, all on the one side, and always yours. - English saying

Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis. - Brendan Behan

Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me. - Colin Farrell

Let everyone leave all the guns - British guns and Irish guns - outside the door. - Martin McGuinness

Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you. - Irish Blessings

The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers

My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey

I'm not a walking extra in a Chekhov play; I'm no Slavic gloom or Irish gloom. - Orson Welles

I'm not Irish. Just because I have red hair doesn't mean I'm a lucky charm. - Rebecca Mader

The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it. - Sidney Littlewood

The trouble with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, with absolutely no talent. - Hugh Leonard

I think the genetics of being Irish are that you sort of prefer when it's rainy and cloudy. - Kate Flannery

I am the indoctrinated child of two lapsed Irish Catholics. Which is to say: I am not religious. - Meghan O'Rourke

I'm proud of my Irish heritage and culture and this show will feature a lot of Irish dancing. - Michael Flatley

Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to. - Unknown

Definition of an Irish fact: That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear. - Hugh Kenner

I had to have some balls to be Irish Catholic in South London. Most of that time I spent fighting. - Pierce Brosnan

What a pity Hell's gates are not kept by O'Flynn
The surly old dog would let nobody in. - Patrick Ireland

I think I'm going to keep my Irish accent forever now in any movie I make, because chicks dig it. - Chris O'Dowd

The problem with being Irish is having 'Riverdance' on your back. It's a burden at times. - Roddy Doyle

I'm Irish on St. Patrick's Day. I'm Italian on Columbus Day. I'm a New Yorker every day. - Tamara Tunie

"Burn everything British," he once advised his Irish countrymen, "except their coal." - Jonathan Swift

The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song - its that they know them all. - Susan Dooley

I was freelancing for years in Cork and around. I also wrote freelance pieces for 'The Irish Times.' - Kevin Barry

I'm a big fan of the Irish accent. After a couple of drinks, I start to get a bit of an Irish lilt, too. - Emily Ratajkowski

In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. - Oscar Wilde

As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt

May you always walk in sunshine. May you never want for more. May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door. - Irish Blessings

We've never been cool, we're hot. Irish people are Italians who can't dress, Jamaicans who can't dance. - Bono

The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad.
For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad. - G K Chesterton

If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain. - William Howard Taft

For my last meal, I'd want an Irish breakfast with soda bread and one of my dad's omelettes with three or four eggs. - Erin O'Connor

With such riches as I have in life, you're always nervous. Being Irish, you're waiting for something to knock it sideways. - Pierce Brosnan

It is Ireland's sacred duty to send over, every few years, a playwright to save the English theatre from inarticulate glumness. - Kenneth Tynan

That's what the holidays are for - for one person to tell the stories and another to dispute them. Isn't that the Irish way? - Lara Flynn Boyle

I'm Irish, so I'm used to odd stews. I can take it. Just throw a lot of carrots and onions in there and I'll call it dinner. - Liam Neeson

Franklin D. Roosevelt: "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?",
New York Mayor Al Smith: "Do we now?" - Franklin D Roosevelt


see also   Irish  &  St. Patrick’s Day   Sections
Going Green for Ireland
Green Beards
Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey!
Irish Alzheimers
Irish Bar
Irish Birth Control
Irish Blessings and Sayings
Irish Drink
Irish Exam
Irish Flood
Irish Sky Garden Crater
Irish Virgin
Irish Weather Forecasting
Little Leprechaun
St. Patrick’s Day Riddles
St. Patrick’s Dog
Swimming Buddies
What’s Under The Kilt?

 

Race Break

Mirror Fence

Look Both Ways

No-iPhone Kids

Dog Haircut

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Donkey Refill

Self Portrait for Squirrels

Coin Stacking

Hooking Penalty

Zebra Bus Stop

Best Friend Theft

Chewie, We're Home

Police Rides

Bird Smoker

Hot Mexican Deals

Coffin Escape

African Airlines

Who Let The Dogs Out?

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20-Oct-2019