Bible Guinessis - Old & New Testament by Kids
Porcupine Monotony of the Finkelsteins @ Mount Cyanide

[Here are Catholic elementary school kids’ answers from a test on the Old and New Testaments.  Imagine yourself as being the Nun sitting at her desk grading these papers while trying to keep a straight face…]

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan Of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

9. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The Seventh Commandment is Thou Shalt Not Admit Adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the Blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 Decibels.

22. The Epistels were the wives of the Apostles.

23. One of the Opposums was St. Matthew who was also a Taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached Holy Acrimony which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called Monotony.

26. Salome danced in seven veils in front of King Herrod.

27. Saint John was beheaded and served on a platter because his lawyer never got a criminal justice degree online.

see also   Religious  Section

Use commas, and never miss a period
Practice Safe Text
T-Shirt sales for Rabbis on the go
Create stimulating baby tonic from nourishing beer malt
Beer Baby
Parting the waters ahead of his time
Moses As A Lifeguard
Don't bother looking for Easter eggs this year
Easter Lost
Latest Word Search Puzzle: Easter - Trial, Crucifixion & Resurrection
Word Search Puzzles
The Easter Story
Jerusalem Obituary, 33 A.D.
Bearing the cross at Easter
The Crucifixion
How trees and shrubs celebrate in an Easter forest
Easter Party
Diorama depiction of Jesus' tomb
Easter Sepulcher
Undercover policeman gets arrested by one of his own
Police Arrest
Warning for Easter breakfast: Beware of firm eggs!
Firm Egg
How to install Rock Tamers Down Under
Aussie Mud Flaps
Laughing all the way to the bank!
Sports Hernias
How to setup and customize your own 404 File Not Found office
404 Office Maintenance
Looking for a Pokemeal?
Pokemon Easter Eggs
Formal clothing for almost every nationality
Oxford Style
Submissions by Peter ClarkeFacebookTwitterDiggStumbleUponDelicious

Voted #1 Humor Site


QR Code


Owl Perch Necklace
Top-Heavy Truck with Af ...
Joystick Car
World's Highest Bridge
German Coast Guard
Eavestrough Cat
Redneck Car Heater
Makeup Mirror
Christmas Laser Light S ...
Atheist Holiday
Lipstick Dog
Donald Trump Eagle
Mexican Sunscreen
Compact Fluorescent Cha ...
Killer Whale Food
Arkansas Surgeons
Before The Impact
David Cameron Speech
Twisted Building (Pre-E ...
Not-So-Bald Eagle
Fast Police Response
First Proctologist Exam ...
Beetle Fan
Confessions of a Sudoku ...
Revenge of the Stallion
Roman Emergency
Redneck Post Support
What's That?
Wooden Spoons
Boys Will Be Boys
In A Perfect World
Employee Of The Month
How Was The Holiday?
How Do I Get To Carnegi ...
Newfie Senior Scooter
How To Live A Long & Ha ...
Toilet Paper For The Mo ...
Convertible Bus
Bad Day Driver
Jesus On The Beach
Hillbilly Gas Chamber
Bear With Me
Leonardo da Vinci's Unf ...
I Want My Own Room
Not So Best Man
Bank Late Fees
Happy Keester
Holiday Fun
Redneck Picnic
Turpentine - Most Power ...
How You Can Be Happy @ ...
New Blackberry Accessor ...
How You Can Be Happy @ ...
Boy Scout Scooter
Aussie Guide Dog
Autumn Tree
Too Much Turkey
Coke Dispenser
Life Sucks
Mouth Golf - Drive of t ...
Plank Road
Bumpy Road
Bubba's New Truck
Bear Boots
Irish School Demolition
Redneck Whirlpool
Outhouse Treasure
Crayola Keyboard
You Want Me To Do What?
Never-Die Railroad Cond ...
Rubik's Cube Puzzle-Mea ...
Redneck Artist
Newest Cell Phone Techn ...