Wife Consumption

How to read your Electric Meter





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Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman

Electrical degenerators - Archie Bunker

My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone. - W H Auden

Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. - Doug Hamwell

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. - John Barrymore

The secret to a happy marriage? Do what your wife tells you. - Denzel Washington

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire. - William Butler Yeats

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. - Cathy Carlyle

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

We're all just ghosts on a wire seeking the prick of an electric thought. - Robert Fanney

When my wife asked me to start a garden the first thing I dug up was an excuse. - Henny Youngman

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter

My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath, and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed. - Unknown

A man with a career can have no time to waste upon his wife and friends; he has to devote it wholly to his enemies. - John Hobbes

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle

She's so fat she's my two best friends. She wears stretch caftans. She's got more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. - Joan Rivers

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx


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23-Jan-2018