Dis is da latest air service to sprout up in Minnesnowta.
Also serving Visconsin, Nort Dekota, and Moontana. Try it - you vill like it.
“If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You’re
all in da same boat on Lutheran Air, vere flying is an uplifting experience.
There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight.
Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main
dish, and 22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.
All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget
Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you with the safety
system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.
Okay then, listen up: I’m only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill
Captain Olson because ve fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure
would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I
vouldn’t bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.
You’re gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those back
up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence
vhich, to be honest with you, ve’re going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet,
sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a vile you get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I’d say forget it. Start saying the Lord’s
Prayer and just hope you get to the part about “forgive us our sins as ve forgive
those who sin against us, vich some people
say trespass against us,” vich isn’t right, but vat can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they may
interfere vith the plane’s navigational system, vich is seat of the pants all
the way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and if God meant
you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mouth on the side of your head.
Ve’re going to start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style vith the
coffee pot up front.
Then ve’ll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you. Don’t
take yours vith you ven you go or am going to be real upset and I am not
Right now I’ll say Grace. “Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these gifts to
us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may ve land in Duluth or pretty close.
Original post on “A Prairie Home Companion”, December 6, 2003
by Garrison Keillor
The voice is nothing but beaten air. - Seneca
Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. - Lord Kelvin
Roasted pigeons will not fly into one's mouth. - Dutch Proverb
Luck is like having a rice dumpling fly into your mouth. - Japanese Proverb
He imagines a necessary joy in things that must fly to eat. - Wendell Berry
The sky is the limit only for those who aren't afraid to fly. - Bob Bello
The higher we soar the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
Live in the sunshine
Swim in the sea
Drink the wild air - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Disappointments are to the soul what thunderstorms are to the air. - Johann C. F. von Schiller
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant. - Richard J. Ferris
Our Air Corps reunion was held to rememmorate the great things we done. - Archie Bunker
If ever a chef were to cook a fly, he would keep the breast for himself. - Poland Proverb
If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus. - Robin Williams
The nation that secures control of the air will ultimately control the world. - Alexander Graham Bell
Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo. - Al Gore
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. - Jonathan Winters
The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it. - J.M. Barrie
It's OK to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation. - Rob Gilbert
Now that I've found the way to fly, which direction should I go into the night? - Ally Condie
There are two kind of air travel in the United States, first class and third world. - Bobby Slayton
You can't fly with the owls by night and expect to keep up with the eagles during the day. - Unknown
Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do. - Golda Meir
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny
Caesar dreamed that he was flying above the clouds, and now that he was clasping the hand of Jupiter. - Suetonius
I don't like all this fresh air: I'm from Los Angeles; I don't trust any air I can't see. - Bob Hope
Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything. - Plato
A fly, Sir, may sting a stately horse and make him wince; but, one is but an insect, and the other is a horse still. - Samuel Johnson
Concentrating on poses clears the mind, while focusing on the breath helps the body shift out of fight or flight mode. - Melanie Haiken
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded, "Take me to the Canaries." - Bob Monkhouse
Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know so it goes flying anyway. - Mary Kay Ash
The reason birds can fly and we can't is simply because they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings. - J.M. Barrie
Bruce Lee's fast pace, Jet Li's pretty style and Jet Li's acrobatics combine with Muay Thai for my own style. - Tony Jaa
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them. - Henry David Thoreau
Aim at the sun, and you may not reach it; but your arrow will fly far higher than if aimed at an object on a level with yourself. - Joel Hawes
Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each. - Henry David Thoreau
If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of twenty-two, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation. - Tom Stoppard
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? - George Carlin
A nation that destroys its soils destroys itself. Forests are the lungs of our land, purifying the air and giving fresh strength to our people. - Franklin D Roosevelt
Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground. - Jarod Kintz
This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet. - Rumi
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