I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.
I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had gotten a new hair
cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching
all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t want sex
anymore or anything. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore,
whatever the case is, I’m gone.
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia
together! Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and
I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what
you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you got a hair
cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a
girl!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say anything
nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away
from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still
on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed
fifty dollars from me that morning... and your silk boxers were $49.99. After
all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my
job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with
your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me.
So take care.
Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I
hope that’s not a problem.
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