Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice

Sage advice from the Psychiatrist

One hundred percent cured news


Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”


Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”


Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”


Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”


After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.


The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”


Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.


QuotaBills
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown

No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb

One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb

We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut

The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker

The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown

A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown

Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun

The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker

I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse

Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues

Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V

A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin

No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb

Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover

I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson

The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley

Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown

A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde

There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini

The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer

A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes

I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher

Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino

There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison

Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown

Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw

If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer

Some quick advice for success in life: Don't be afraid, be amazing. - Cuthbert Soup

There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Bernard Williams

My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector

I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings

A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood

Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)

When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay

If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul

Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown

Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie

I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco

People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby

People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany

At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson

Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush

He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice. - Unknown

The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen

I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail

Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen

Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud

My advice to myself and to everyone else, particularly young people, is to turn on, tune in and drop out. - Timothy Leary

"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker

I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield

Advice is like snow, the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown

Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffet

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank

My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder

A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield

Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar

A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer

Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson

The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles

Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown


see also   Doctor  Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
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Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
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23-Jul-2019