Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice

Sage advice from the Psychiatrist

One hundred percent cured news


Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”


Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”


Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”


Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”


After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.


The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”


Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.


QuotaBills
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown

No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb

One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb

Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid

Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace

We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut

A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown

The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker

Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb

Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin

No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb

I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson

A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde

The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes

That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson

I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald

I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller

Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino

There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison

Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw

If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer

Some quick advice for success in life: Don't be afraid, be amazing. - Cuthbert Soup

There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Bernard Williams

"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain

My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings

A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker

I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown

If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong

When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller

When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay

If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb

My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell

There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul

Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie

No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild

I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter

The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer

Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush

I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne

He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice. - Unknown

I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire

Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin

Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones

"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield

Advice is like snow, the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi

I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown

Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffet

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman

The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted

Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope

Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank

An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield

Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle


see also   Doctor  Section
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Dog Proctologist
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Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
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15-Sep-2019