HAGS Disease

How to handle communicable diseases


A man goes into the Doctor’s office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the Doctor calls him into his office and says, “I have some bad news. You have HAGS.”

“What is HAGS?” the man asks.

“It’s herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis,” says the Doctor.

“Oh no!” says the man. “What are you going to do?”

“We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.”

“Is that going to help me,” says the man.

“No,” says the Doctor. “But it’s the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door.”


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Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken

Laughter is the best medicine. - the Joe-kster

No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb

I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali

The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin

Panic plays no part in the training of a nurse. - Elizabeth Kenny

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

Whether a person is a male or female, a nurse is a nurse. - Gary Veale

A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes

Whatsoever was the father of a disease, an ill diet was the mother. - George Herbert

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller

Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham

Antitoxidote cruisin' through my system looking for some disease to attack. - Archie Bunker

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley

People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx

Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer

The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. - WC Fields

Disease is war with the laws of our being, and all war, as a great general has said, is hell. - Lewis G. Janes

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire

Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce

I think I have a disease called spontaneous disclosure. I need to tell everyone my life story instantaneously. - Kelly Ripa

Asthma is a disease that has practically the same symptoms as passion except that with asthma it lasts longer. - Unknown

Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

'Tis not always in a physician's power to cure the sick; at times the disease is stronger than trained art. - Ovid

The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick

The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

I like to eat pizza and spaghetti pomodoro, and I'm crazy for dessert. I like all of them: cassata, cheesecake, biscuits. - Stefano Gabbana

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular. - Jay Leno

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler


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Billy Goat Gruff
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19-Feb-2019