‘Twas the night before Christmas in Texas, you bet,
But no one’d seen Santa; he hadn’t come yet.
The chaps were all hung up, the boots neatly shined,
While out on the plains a right tough windstorm whined.
And Santa was in it, with reindeer and sleigh,
He’d blown in from Brownsville, down Mexico way.
He was squinting from dust and his beard had turned brown,
The reindeer were squealing; the sleigh sinking down,
Till it lurched to a stop near the hills at Big Bend.
Santa said, “Here we’ll wait for this dust storm to end.
The sleigh’s overloaded with great Texas toys.
It’s too hard to steer in the dust and the noise!”
Now the problem was time; he had Texas to cross,
And the night passing fast. Should he get him a hoss?
But no horse was nearby; only longhorns around.
“I don’t trust ’em,” says Rudolph, a pawin’ the ground.
So they huddled to ponder just what could be done
To deliver those toys for the kids Christmas fun.
Things were downright disgusting, when suddenly came
A small Texas voice calling Santa by name...
“Howdy Santa! Ah’ll help! Ah know just where tuh go,
The way tuh the great Texas Rangers ah’ll show.
They kin do it, ah know,” chirped the odd little fellow.
“Well, by jiminey,” says Rudolph, “it’s a real armadillo.”
With the leader, the team quickly moved north by east,
Left the dust storm in Abilene- what a relief!
All the Rangers were called and they split up that load,
And giving a whoop, all directions they rode!
San Antonio children all sleeping just so
Heard, “Y’all have a good one! 'Member the Alamo!' ”
Now Santa could fly; there was no time to waste
On toward Dallas and Houston the sleigh sped with haste.
Heard the band still performing at Billy Bob’s bar,
And dropped ten-gallon hats and new boots at the door.
He swept into Dallas, now feeling quite jolly,
On Pegasus’ neck placed a small wreath of holly.
He rounded Reunion Tower headed toward Irving,
To visit the Cowboys- there’s none more deserving!
Dropped a big load of footballs, bid the skyline goodbye.
“Seasons Greetings,” he called, and turned south on the fly.
All the oil towers were lighted; the air seemed alive
As he headed for Houston on I-45.
At the Astrodome, someone had left him a treat -
Fresh barbecue, chili, and nachos to eat!
“Oh, how I love Texas!” Santa sang with high cheer,
As he passed Neiman Marcus drinking Lone Star “root” beer.
His huge load of toys got dropped off, one by one.
To each sleeping child and his dad and his mum.
Then headed toward Beaumont, the whole team took flight
“Merry Christmas to Texas! and to all a Goodnight!”
Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker
Texas is as odd as it is vast. - Henry Rollins
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown
I never saw anything funnier than Texas politics. - Molly Ivins
Texas is a hotbed of insanely good bands and musicians. - Henry Rollins
Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. - Fran Lebowitz
Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund
In plain Texas talk, it's 'do the right thing'. - Ross Perot
I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan
I'm super laid back. I'm from Texas. I love my family. - Selena Gomez
In Texas it's always hot, dry, sunny, not a cloud in the sky. - Piper Perabo
The folks in Mississippi are saying, 'Thank God for Texas.' - Kinky Friedman
Texas is now a cornerstone of the electoral college for Republicans. - Ed Gillespie
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas. - Red Skelton
Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson
Texas has yet to learn submission to any oppression, come from what source it may. - Sam Houston
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin
Being from Texas, I would say I favor a pair of jeans you can wear some boots with. - Jensen Ackles
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker
I thought I knew Texas pretty well, but I had no notion of its size until I campaigned it. - Ann Richards
If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown
If a man's from Texas, he'll tell you. If he's not, why embarrass him by asking? - John Gunther
Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas is called 'walking.' - George W. Bush
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright
The definition of insanity in Texas is so insane that it's impossible to be insane in Texas. - Malcolm McDowell
I'm from Texas, and one of the reasons I like Texas is because there's no one in control. - Willie Nelson
Most of my memories of Texas are of mosquitoes, watermelons, crickets, and my brother teasing me. - Robin Wright
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes
Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas. - Ian Fleming
I don't think I'm a celebrity. I'm just a guy from east Texas who loves cars and airplanes. - Carroll Shelby
When I make a vow to God, then I would suggest to you that's even stronger than a handshake in Texas. - Rick Perry
Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put
the batteries. - Milton Berle
The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington. - Yakov Smirnoff
Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple
You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze
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