Politically Correct Night Before Christmas

Santa’s unenlightened red suit


‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck...
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
Were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
Released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
Because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
When they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
And his fur trimmed red suit was called “unenlightened”.

To show you the strangeness of today’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
Demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So... half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
Who suddenly said she’d had enough of this life,
Joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts... why, he’d never had the notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets... they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales... while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football... someone might get hurt,
Besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passť,
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
He just couldn’t figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
But you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
Nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
Give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
Each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere... even you!

So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth...
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth!”


QuotaBills
Criticism is prejudice made plausible. - H L Mencken

A correct answer is like an affectionate kiss. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The duty of comedy is to correct men by amusing them. - Moliere

I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd

How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct. - Benjamin Disraeli

See everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little. - Pope John XXIII

Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund

The greatest threat to freedom is the absence of criticism. - Wole Soyinka

Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. - Laurence J. Peter

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates. - Oscar Wilde

Sandwich every bit of criticism between two heavy layers of praise. - Mary Kay Ash

Needless to say, the president is correct. Whatever it was he said. - Donald Rumsfeld

In critical moments even the very powerful have need of the weakest. - Aesop

Most people would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism. - Unknown

An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it. - Orlando A. Battista

In critical moments, men sometimes see exactly what they wish to see. - Leonard Nimoy

The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology. - Red Auerbach

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. - Aristotle

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter

Do not correct a fool or he will hate you. Correct a wise man and he will appreciate you. - Unknown

Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener

Architecture is the learned game, correct and magnificent, of forms assembled in the light. - Le Corbusier

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright

Writing criticism is to writing fiction and poetry as hugging the shore is to sailing in the open sea. - John Updike

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - Niels Bohr

When we criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical. - Richard Carlson

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple

Conventional people are roused to fury by departure from convention, largely because they regard such departure as a criticism of themselves. - Bertrand Russell


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19-Oct-2019