12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Kind words cost nothing. - Unknown

Wisdom is better than gold or silver. - German Proverb

A fool and his money are soon parted. - English Proverb

A fool and his money are soon elected. - Will Rogers

Stocks do not move unless they are pushed. - S Jay Levin

All money is tainted, tain't none of it mine. - Thomas F. McGuire

Money follows passion - not the other way around. - Unknown

Wind to a sailor is what money is to life on shore. - Sterling Hayden

To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. - W.J. Vogel

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty. - Leo Rosten

I can't afford to die - I'd lose too much money. - George Burns

Being rich is having money, being wealthy is having time. - Stephen Swid

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? - George Carlin

They bequeathed the gleaming gold, treasure of men, to earth. - Beowulf

If money is your hope for independence, you will never have it. - Henry Ford

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repairing. - Billy Rose

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. - J Paul Getty

What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man? - Homer Simpson

The way to make money is to buy when blood is running in the streets. - John D. Rockefeller

I'm worth far too much money. I don't need anybody's money. - Donald Trump

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. - Phyllis Diller

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? - Steven Wright

After I make a lot of money, I'll be able to afford running for office. - Christy Romano

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you’re making too much money. - Robin Williams

I want to be a millionaire not for the money but for the woman I will become. - Jaime Tardy

Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated. - Will Rogers

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. (Friend or Money!) - Unknown

Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money and power and influence. - Henry Chester

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke

Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops - let the rain sing you a lullaby. - Langston Hughes

Keep your eye out for hot topics and trends. The media is constantly looking for timely stories. - Jim Kukral

I actually lost 90 pounds over the course of 15 months in order to save money on life insurance. - Derek Kilmer

The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. - H L Mencken

I've no interest on initiating a fashion trend on Coruscant or anywhere else. I simply want a uniform that fits. - James Luceno

Keeping books on social aid is capitalistic nonsense. I just use the money for the poor. I can't stop to count it. - Evita Peron

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. - Joan Rivers

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. - Garrison Keillor

I have respect for Senator McCain. I used to like him a lot. I supported him. I raised a lot of money for his campaign against President Obama. - Donald Trump


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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16-Jun-2019