12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Marry money. - Max Shulman

Love is the only gold. - Lord Alfred Tennyson

Kind words cost nothing. - Unknown

Money doesn't talk, it swears. - Bob Dylan

Bloods’ not thicker than money. - Groucho Marx

Here's the money for our patentcy (patent). - Archie Bunker

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. - Samuel Butler

Money follows passion - not the other way around. - Unknown

Emotions are your worst enemy in the stock market. - Don Hays

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. - Steven Wright

The cost of liberty is less than the price of repression. - W.E.B. Du Bois

A grandfather carries pictures where his money used to be. - Joe-kster

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? - George Carlin

I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. - Joe Louis

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

I'd like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money. - Pablo Picasso

We have the best government in the world... that money can buy. - Mark Twain

I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet. - Carrie Bradshaw

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. - Steven Wright

A liberal is a man who is willing to spend somebody else's money. - Carter Glass

A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds up to real money. - Everett Dirksen

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. - Bob Hope

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. - Joey Adams

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. - Jackie Mason

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley

The flood of money that gushes into politics today is a pollution of democracy. - Theodore White

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated. - Will Rogers

If you don't know who you are, the stock market is an expensive place to find out. - George Goodman

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is, I don't know which half. - John Wannamaker

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. - Don Marquis

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. - Ogden Nash

Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game. - Donald Trump

Always remember money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense. - Earl Wilson

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. - Joan Rivers

Retirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

Money isn't the most important thing in life, but it's reasonably close to oxygen on the "gotta have it" scale. - Zig Ziglar

I have respect for Senator McCain. I used to like him a lot. I supported him. I raised a lot of money for his campaign against President Obama. - Donald Trump

NBC News just called it "The Great Freeze" - coldest weather in years. Is our country still spending money on the global warming hoax? - Donald Trump


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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15-Oct-2019