12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
God gave me my money. - John D. Rockefeller

Money: the poor man's credit card. - Marshal McLuhan

Yacht: a floating box you throw money into. - Unknown

I find all this money a considerable burden. - J Paul Getty

Money won is twice as sweet as money earned. - Martin Scorsese

If you marry for money you will earn every penny. - Dr. Phil McGraw

All money is tainted, tain't none of it mine. - Thomas F. McGuire

A grandfather carries pictures where his money used to be. - Joe-kster

Government always finds a need for whatever money it gets. - Ronald Reagan

If money is your hope for independence, you will never have it. - Henry Ford

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. - Irving Fisher

A liberal is a man who is willing to spend somebody else's money. - Carter Glass

How much money does it take to make a man happy? Just one more dollar. - John D. Rockefeller

Old houses mended, cost little less than new before they're ended. - Colley Cibber

A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds up to real money. - Everett Dirksen

Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy. - Miles Kington

There is no money in poetry, but then there is no poetry in money, either. - Robert Graves

After I make a lot of money, I'll be able to afford running for office. - Christy Romano

The man who never has money to pay his debts has too much of something else. - J.L. Basford

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you’re making too much money. - Robin Williams

I want to be a millionaire not for the money but for the woman I will become. - Jaime Tardy

The flood of money that gushes into politics today is a pollution of democracy. - Theodore White

I don't follow trends. I make each cake for a particular wedding, or event. - Ron Ben-Israel

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated. - Will Rogers

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. (Friend or Money!) - Unknown

Like the cosmetics industry, the securities business is engaged in selling illusion. - Paul Samuelson

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope

The rich take life one financial year at a time. The poor take life one meal at a time. - Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke

I do not think there is any silver bullet to solving the technology side of the security equation. - John W. Thompson

Beware of those who would pay you lip service but refuse to put their money where their mouths are. - Faydra D. Fields

Every two months, I would get an email, 'Skeleton Twins update: still don't have the money!' - Bill Hader

Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game. - Donald Trump

Anything which is physically possible can always be made financially possible; money is a bugaboo of small minds. - Robert A. Heinlein

I've no interest on initiating a fashion trend on Coruscant or anywhere else. I simply want a uniform that fits. - James Luceno

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey

I deal with foreign countries. I made a lot of money dealing against China. I've made a lot of money dealing against many other countries. - Donald Trump

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. - Will Rogers

NBC News just called it "The Great Freeze" - coldest weather in years. Is our country still spending money on the global warming hoax? - Donald Trump

If you have more money than brains, you should focus on outbound marketing. If you have more brains than money, you should focus on inbound marketing. - Guy Kawasaki


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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20-Aug-2019