Can’t Be Santa, Can It?

Santa's Guh-nomes - Archie Bunker

Love is a grave mental disease. - Plato

Don't go to the grave with life unused. - Bobby Bowden

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown

Don't dig your grave with a knife and fork. - English Proverb

He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him. - Herbert B. Tree

I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd

Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma. - Eartha Kitt

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

If Roosevelt were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave. - Samuel Goldwyn

The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. - Ellen Glasgow

Can grave and formal pass for wise,
When Men the solemn Owl despise? - Benjamin Franklin

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway

The grave's a fine and private place,
But none, I think, do there embrace. - Andrew Marvell

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller

True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker

If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another. - Frank Dobie

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright

For death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? - I Corinthians 15:55

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright

No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby

The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. - John Andrew Holmes

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan

Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle

No one has yet had the courage to memorialize his wealth on his tombstone. A dollar mark would not look well there. - Corra May Harris

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor

Some say cling to the earth while others say reach for the stars. There's time enough for the earth in the grave. - Unknown

The vivacity of children is always charming, because it is always sincere. A grave child is a rose without fragrance. - Unknown

Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple

If you think that praise is due, now's the time to show it, 'cause a man can't read his tombstone when he's dead. - Unknown

Every pessimist who ever lived has been buried in an unmarked grave. Tomorrow has always been better than today, and it always will be. - Paul Harvey