[Notes from an inexperienced Seattle chili taster named Frank who was visiting Texas...]
“Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judges’ table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the score cards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway
with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These hicks
Chili #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting barbecue flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver while I
shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick! Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke! Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill! My nose
feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest.
Chili #4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods,
not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so that I wouldn’t have to dash over to
Chili #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne
peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in
front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment.
I should note that I am worried about judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it.
I’ve lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good,
at autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful
and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll let it in through the hole in my
Chili #8: Helen’s Mount Saint Helen’s Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see
most of it was lost when Judge number 3 fell and pulled most of the pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but
spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: --------------, Frank?
Texas is as odd as it is vast. - Henry Rollins
You can always tell a Texan, but not much. - Unknown
Parts of Texas look like Kansas with a goiter. - Unknown
I never saw anything funnier than Texas politics. - Molly Ivins
Texas is a hotbed of insanely good bands and musicians. - Henry Rollins
Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. - Fran Lebowitz
In plain Texas talk, it's 'do the right thing'. - Ross Perot
Everyone makes fun of the Redneck until the Zombie Apocalypse. - Unknown
I'm super laid back. I'm from Texas. I love my family. - Selena Gomez
In Texas it's always hot, dry, sunny, not a cloud in the sky. - Piper Perabo
I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product. - Ron White
The folks in Mississippi are saying, 'Thank God for Texas.' - Kinky Friedman
Texas is now a cornerstone of the electoral college for Republicans. - Ed Gillespie
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. - George Carlin
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas. - Red Skelton
News events are like Texas weather. If you don't like it, wait a minute. - Jessica Savitch
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy
The landscape of Texas is in all my work. It's that light; it's that sky. - Robert Wilson
Texas has yet to learn submission to any oppression, come from what source it may. - Sam Houston
How can you look at the Texas legislature and still believe in intelligent design? - Kinky Friedman
Being from Texas, I would say I favor a pair of jeans you can wear some boots with. - Jensen Ackles
I thought I knew Texas pretty well, but I had no notion of its size until I campaigned it. - Ann Richards
If a man's from Texas, he'll tell you. If he's not, why embarrass him by asking? - John Gunther
Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas is called 'walking.' - George W. Bush
The definition of insanity in Texas is so insane that it's impossible to be insane in Texas. - Malcolm McDowell
I'm from Texas, and one of the reasons I like Texas is because there's no one in control. - Willie Nelson
Most of my memories of Texas are of mosquitoes, watermelons, crickets, and my brother teasing me. - Robin Wright
Good thing we've still got politics in Texas - finest form of free entertainment ever invented. - Molly Ivins
Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas. - Ian Fleming
I don't think I'm a celebrity. I'm just a guy from east Texas who loves cars and airplanes. - Carroll Shelby
When I make a vow to God, then I would suggest to you that's even stronger than a handshake in Texas. - Rick Perry
You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. - Jeff Foxworthy
You can take the girl out of Texas but not the Texas out of the girl and ultimately not the girl out of Texas. - Janine Turner
The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington. - Yakov Smirnoff
You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze
I've got this thing for spicy stuff. Now, if you give me hot chocolate with chili pepper, a book and a bubble bath, I'm a happy girl. - Shiloh Walker
The sky in Texas is the most amazing sky in the whole country, I think, like you can see more sky in Texas than you can see anywhere else in the world. - dina Menzel
The pleasure of jogging and running is rather like that of wearing a fur coat in Texas in August: the true joy comes in being able to take the damn thing off. - Joseph Epstein
If you want to surf, move to Hawaii. If you like to shop, move to New York. If you like acting and Hollywood, move to California. But if you like college football, move to Texas. - Ricky Williams
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Survivor - Texas Style (2013)
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Why We Live in Texas
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