Q: What do men and beer have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
Q: What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.
Husband: “I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.”
Wife: “You wear briefs, don’t you?”
Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.
If men got pregnant... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4,000 stereo in it.
All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one.
Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.
Behind every great woman is a man telling her she’s ignoring him.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Husband: “This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!”
Wife: “No problem, I’ll get you some that is.”
We try to keep him out of the kitchen. Last time he cooked, he burned the salad.
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured men out?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
“My wife and I share the cleaning of our grandchild’s dirty diapers 50/50 ...
She takes the first 5 years and I take the rest!”
Q: Why do men prefer blondes?
A: Men always like intellectual company.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q: Why do men like love at first sight?
A: It saves them a lot of time.
Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
A: They stay stuck in adolescence.
Q: How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A: At the circus the clowns don’t talk.
Q: Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half of the time.
Q: How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A: Make him wear shoes.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE ... He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: (1) A dog is always happy to see you; (1) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
Q: Why are blonde Joe-ks so short?
A: So men can remember them.
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do much better.
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Q: What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name
Q: What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
A: “My wife says...”
Q: Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
A: To keep them from grazing.
Q: Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A: Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Q: What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A: A tourist.
Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed.
Q: What is gross stupidity?
A: 144 men in one room.
Q: How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
A: Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: “Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: “What men know about women.”
Q: What is the thickest book in the world?
A: “What Men Think They Know About Women.”
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: Who knows? Has it ever happened?
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Q: What is a man’s idea of doing housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Q: What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.
Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini.
Q: Why do men like blonde Joe-ks so much?
A: Because they can understand them.
Q: Why do bachelors like smart women?
A: Opposites Attract.
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can’t believe a word they say.
Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.
Q: How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.
Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Q: Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don’t have any.
Q: Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A: So they can find their way back to the house.
Q: Why didn’t the husband change the baby for a week?
A: Because the text on the diaper package said 18-40 lbs.
Q: What’s the difference between a man and a messy room?
A: You can straighten up a messy room
Q: How many men would it take to mop a floor?
A: No one knows; they’ve never done it.
Q: What’s the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
A: One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.
Q: What’s the difference between a man and a parrot?
A: You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.
Q: How do men define insomnia?
A: Waking up every few days.
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what’s in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Q: Why don’t men cook at home?
A: No one’s invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.
Q: What did God say after she made Eve?
A: “Practice makes perfect.”
Q: What’s the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
A: High School.
Q: Why don’t men eat between meals.
A: There *IS* no “between>” meals.
Q: How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
A: We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.
Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Q: Why don’t men do laundry?
A: Cause the washer and dryer don’t run on remote control!
Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Q: What’s the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
A: I don’t know, I’ve never seen either one.
Q: Why do most men prefer looks to brains?
A: Because most men see better than they think.
Q: What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brainpower?
A: A widower
Q: When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?
A: (1) When he has a new car; (2) When he has a new wife.
Q: Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
A: They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.
Q: Why did the bachelor have trouble putting his shoes on?
A: His mother told him to put fresh socks on every day.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 3 months or 3,000 miles, whichever came first.
Q: Why are men like paper cups?
A: They’re dispensable.
Q: What piece of furniture was named after the typical man?
A: The La-Z-Boy recliner.
Q: If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks of dishes can four men wash in four hours?
A: None. They’ll all sit down together and watch football on television.
Q: What’s the greatest mystery about men?
A: How they can get older but still manage to remain immature.
Q: What’s the only way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
A: Get married on his birthday.
Q: What do you get when four men go fishing and one comes back after having caught
A: “Three Men And A Baby”
Q: What is the average number of times in a bachelor’s life that his bed is made?
A: Once, when it was still in the factory.
Q: Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
a) Get away or I’ll call the police!!!
b) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
Q: When do men insist that women are illogical?
A: When a woman doesn’t agree with them.
Q: What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A: Any place without a drive-up window.
Q: Why did God make men smell so bad?
A: So that blind women can hate them too.
Q: Why won’t real men admit to injury?
A: Because they’re afraid of being returned as damaged goods.
Q: What is the one thing men never want to admit to women?
A: That they are always right!
Q: “Men at work”?
A: Women work all the time, men have to put up signs to so we won’t miss the rare occasion.
Q: What do you call a field full of men?
A: An empty lot.
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
see also Quote Section
Best Man At A Wedding
Good Luck Angel
Wet T-Shirt Contest Winners
Frozen Fish Meal
Grizzly Bear Chair
Pilot Prop Job
Stand Up Comedian
Wash Day On The Farm