Acceptable Doctors Sign

Finding a good Doctor’s practice


Two Doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading, “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the Doctors changed it to: “Hysterias and Posteriors.” This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” No go!

Next they tried: “Catatonics and High Colonics.” Thumbs down again.

Then came: “Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.” Still not good.

How about: “Minds and Behinds.” Unacceptable again.

So they tried: “Lost Souls and Ass Holes.” Still no go.

Nor did “Analysis and Anal Cysts”, “Nuts and Butts”, “Freaks and Cheeks”, or “Loons and Moons” work either.

Almost at their wits end, the Doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be acceptable to the council: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”
“APPROVED”


QuotaBills
I told you I was sick. - B.P. Roberts

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken

Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin

The cure for grief is motion. - Elbert Hubbard

Diabetes is caused by melancholy. - Thomas Willis

Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. - George Burns

There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. - Carl Jung

I want my food dead. Not sick, not dying - dead. - Oscar Wilde

Be strong in body, clean in mind, lofty in ideals. - James Naismith

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

Life without liberty is like a body without spirit. - Khalil Gibran

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - WC Fields

As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Four wheels move the body. Two wheels move the soul. - Unknown

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. - Plato

Health insurance should be a given for every citizen. - Jesse Ventura

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows. - Phyllis Diller

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. - Steven Wright

There is no physician who can cure the disease of love. - African Proverb

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body. - C S Lewis

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer

There is no cure for birth and death, save to enjoy the interval. - George Santayana

Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell. - Edward Abbey

In a sick-room or a bed-room there should never be shutters shut. - Florence Nightingale

Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome

There is nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - Jack E. Leonard

There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. - Henri Amiel

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett

Your body is not a temple, it's an amusement park. Enjoy the ride. - Anthony Bourdain

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. - Steven Wright

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley

A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker

In nothing do men more nearly approach the gods than in giving health to men. - Cicero

Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham

I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure! - Unknown

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. - Jonathan Blake

First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer

The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx

The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein: it rejects it. - P.B. Medawar

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright

Coaching doesn't make sick people well - it helps healthy people become extra-ordinary. - Thomas Leonard

I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King. - Elizabeth I

The most important pieces of equipment you need for doing yoga are your body and your mind. - Rodney Yee

My mother had this amazing attitude in the face of everything, including when she got cancer. - Bill Clinton

There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. - Sylvia Plath

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke

I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne

Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one. - William Menninger

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha

German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton

Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce

Tattoos have a power and magic all their own. They decorate the body but they also enhance the soul. - Michelle Delio

A lot of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a body saying that it needs work. - Geoffrey Norman

Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley

I was determined to share my positive approach and not let diabetes stand in the way of enjoying my life. - Paula Deen

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman

You know when you eat too many sweets and get diabetes? Paparazzi are the diabetes of materialistic culture. - Shirley MacLaine

An angel is a spiritual creature created by God without a body for the service of Christendom and the church. - Leo Rosten

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

With some diseases, like type 2 diabetes, if people get alerted early, they can take steps to avert getting sick. - Elizabeth Holmes

Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child

When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When health is lost, something is lost. When character is lost, all is lost. - Rev. Billy Graham

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields

Being diagnosed with diabetes can be a very scary thing, and it can easily make your life stand still for a moment. - Charlie Kimball

The public needs to know - they need to know as much about atrial fibrillation as they do about cancer and diabetes. - Barry Manilow

Sea spaghetti looks like dark fettuccine and has a similar texture - you can get it in health food stores or online. - Yotam Ottolenghi

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - O.S. Marden

Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht

The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick

Concentrating on poses clears the mind, while focusing on the breath helps the body shift out of fight or flight mode. - Melanie Haiken

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body - let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel. - Unknown

Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings. - Helen Keller

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul. - John Muir

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

My whole body is a wreck. I've injured myself so many times with jujitsu, skateboarding, football. I guess I like to live hard. - Scott Caan

Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright

When enough people care about autism or diabetes or global warming, it helps everyone, even if only a tiny fraction actively participate. - Seth Godin

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler


see also   Doctor  &  Signs  Sections
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Did Philip Fart?
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam
Gas Passer - Downwind Protocol
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Mr. Silent Killer Gas Passer - Real Men of Genius
One Wee Scottish Farty
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice
Singing Gynecologist
The Common Fart

 

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26-May-2019