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Kid's Laughter
Joe-ks for Kids at home and at school
You're Kid'n me, right?
What kind of keys do children like to eat?
Distinct: How a child says something smelled bad.
(click on the thumbnail images below to expand to full size)
Judas Asparagus
Big Ambitions
Breast Cancer Cure
Young German Fan
Parent Delete
Get Down Here, Right Now!
Almost Done
Plain Plane Seat
Fly Art
TP Kid
Snow 'Art' - Snow Good!
Pet Mouse
Play Cat
Redneck Santa Float
Rinse Ride
Noodle Art
Cursor Fun
Catch of the Day
www Victim
Long Kiss
Kids Klub
Booger Queen
Teeter TottHer
Kids Home
Bandage Art
Rooftop Hopscotch
Bathroom Celebration
Bubble Boy
Highway Slide
Designer Dog
Stay!
Glassman
Bucket Bath
Just Deserts
Copy Cats
Safe Bike
Grapefruit Kid
Kid Cam
Hiding Horse
Hide & Seek
Cats and Backpacks
Dear Abbey
Toy Recall
Wine Gum Lamp
Tike Trike for a Fast Baby
Chair Boy
Baby Suit
Colour Car
The Joe-kster's Dentist
Kid Kars
Stick Humour
Babble Language
First Performance
Christmas Present for Naughty Kids
Back Bacon For Kids
Look Daddy - Baby Kittens!
Q: What's the difference between prospectors and butchers?
A: Prospectors stake their claims; butchers claim their steaks.
Q: What do you give a Doctor who prescribes a placebo?
A: Counterfeit money.
Q: Why is Camembert called a two-handed cheese?
A: Because you eat it with one hand and hold your nose with the other.
Q: What is weirder than a talking dog?
A: A spelling bee.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow with a camel?
A: Lumpy custard.
Q: What's an Inuit's favourite vegetable?
A: Mushed potatoes.
Q: What do you call a pirate with a barrel on his foot?
A: Keg Leg.
Q: What's the best day to eat caramels?
A: On chews-day.
Q: Where did the superhero go during school vacation?
A: Cape Cod.
Q: What do you call a monster who comes to collect your laundry?
A: An undie-taker.
Q: Why is a banana peel like a sweater?
A: Because you can slip on both.
Q: What do you call a tool in prison?
A: A slammer hammer.
Q: Why did Little Johnny, who failed history, understand it the best?
A: Because he had to keep repeating it.
Q: Why do firefighters slide down a pole in the firehouse?
A: Because it's too hard to slide up.
Q: How do you kill a fly?
A: Call in the S.W.A.T. team.
Q: What do you get if you cross a camel with a spud?
A: Lumpy mashed potatoes.
Q: What did the big toe say to the little toe?
A: “There's a big heel following us.”
Q: How do Doctors prescribe sleeping pills?
A: In small dozes.
Q: How did the mosquito become a movie star?
A: It passed the screen test.
Q: What kind of dancing do owls love?
A: The whoo-la.
Q: What do you call a dog on a beach?
A: A hot dog.
Q: What's Bill Gate's favourite game?
A: Monopoly.
Q: What did the grandfather monster say to his grandson when they hadn't seen each other for a while?
A: “You gruesome!”
Q: What bad girl grows in a garden?
A: Poison Ivy.
Q: Why was a moose out wearing a fake nose and sunglasses?
A: He wanted to remain anonyMoose.
Q: What do you call someone who puts who and who together and gets wow?
A: A gossip.
Q: Which U.S. state is a football player's favourite?
A: New Jersey.
Q: What's the longest night of the year?
A: A fortnight.
Q: What's the fastest hose around?
A: Pantyhose - it's always running.
Q: What's a sheep's favourite snack?
A: A baa-loney sandwich.
Q: What do waiters ask when playing tennis?
A: “May I serve?”
Q: Where do frogs keep notes?
A: On lily pads.
Q: What do financial advisors sing when they sail off to sea?
A: “Bankers Away.”
Q: What do wizards say when they cast the wrong spell?
A: “Hex-cuse me.”
Q: Who do pelicans bring with them to weddings?
A: Their gullfriends.
Q: Why can't turtles play baseball?
A: They can't run home.
Q: When is Little Johnny like a bell?
A: When he's wrung out.
Q: Where does a catcher sit at the dinner table?
A: Behind the plate.
Q: When do baseball players get emotional?
A: When they choke up on the bat.
Q: What TV sets do zebras watch?
A: Black and white.
Q: Who won the race between two balls of string?
A: They were tied.
Q: What does a germ call his small nightgown?
A: A microbe.
Q: How did the trampolinist beat the prizefighter?
A: Every time he was knocked down, he bounced right back.
Q: What was the heroic daisy awarded?
A: A petal of honour.
Q: What does an Indian ghost sleep in?
A: A creepy teepee.
Q: What's the longest sentence in the world?
A: Life imprisonment.
Q: Where does candy stay at a hotel?
A: In a suite.
Q: What's the difference between a sailor and a jeweler?
A: One watches the sea and the other sees the watches.
Q: What did the shoe say to the hat?
A: “You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot.”
Q: What kind of bandage do people wear after heart surgery?
A: Ticker tape.
Q: What animal is the best poker player?
A: A Bluffalo.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer (no idea).
Q: What do computer geeks call a horse's back?
A: A mane frame.
Q: What do you get when two meteorologists each break an arm and a leg?
A: Four casts.
Q: Why did Little Johnny take a snake into his summer school math exam?
A: Because it was an adder.
Q: Where is the best place to buy fancy plates?
A: China.
Q: What do flies do all day?
A: Fly around.
Q: Why did the skunk call the restaurant?
A: So he could place his odor.
Q: What cookie do you eat before lying down in the afternoon?
A: A nap snack.
Q: How did Little Johnny get the answer to 10 minus 10?
A: He zeroed in on it.
Q: What do you call a big bottom?
A: A plump rump.
Q: Why don't dogs like to travel in planes?
A: They get jet wag.
Q: What do you call a gentle baby?
A: A mild child.
Q: Why didn't the ghost eat liver?
A: He didn't have the stomach for it.
Q: What famous painter never forgot anything?
A: Remembrandt.
Q: Why was the gardener jumping up and down?
A: He had ants in his pants.
Q: What do you give a mare who's about to get married?
A: A bridle party.
Q: What do you call a thin secret?
A: A wisp-er.
Q: What do you call a cattle tug of war?
A: Beef jerky.
Q: What antibiotic do you give a sick eraser?
A: Pencil-in.
Q: What was the first animal to use a rotary telephone?
A: A crock-a-dial.
Q: What car lives in a bell tower?
A: The Hatchback of Notre Dame.
Q: Why did the dog go to the museum?
A: It heard there was free barking.
Q: Where do frogs sit?
A: On toadstools.
Q: What do you call Miss Piggy?
A: Ham Ma'am!
Q: What does a pickle say when it wants to play Crazy 8's?
A: “Dill me in!”
Q: What do you get when you cross a small horn and a little flute?
A: A tootie flooty.
Q: What did one tree say to the other tree?
A: “I've gotta leave.”
Q: What did the Doctor say to Little Johnny when he swallowed a pumpkin seed?
A: “You'll be vine.”
Q: Why were the animals on the ark angry at its builder?
A: Because he acted like a Noah-it-all.
Q: How did the monogram business do?
A: It had some initial success.
Q: What do you do with a blue whale?
A: Try to cheer him up.
Q: What flowers have the longest memories?
A: Forget-me-nots.
Q: How do cats stop their favourite videos?
A: They put them on paws.
Q: Why was the Egyptian girl worried?
A: Because her Daddy was a Mummy.
Q: What kind of joe-ks do mice tell?
A: Squeaky clean ones.
Q: What kind of joe-ks do camels tell?
A: Hump-dingers.
Q: What geometric figure do sailors fear?
A: The Bermuda Triangle.
Q: What entertainers get paid to pull out their hare?
A: Magicians.
Q: What did the traffic light say to the man crossing the road?
A: “Don't look, I'm changing.”
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: “I think I'm coming down with something.”
Q: What did the big tap say to the little tap?
A: “Shut up, you little squirt.”
Q: What animal always takes a bath with its shoes on?
A: A horse.
Q: What is a masseuse's favourite food?
A: Baby back rubs.
Q: What did one windshield wiper say to the other windshield wiper?
A: “Isn't it a shame we seem to meet only when it rains?”
Q: What do ghosts eat for breakfast?
A: Dreaded wheat.
Q: Why did Little Johnny's Mom test the bath water before putting him in it?
A: To prevent son-burn.
Q: What bird can tell time?
A: A clocka-too.
Q: What do you call a very small sports fan?
A: A speck-tator.
Q: When are geologists unhappy?
A: When people take them for granite.
Q: How do you stop a pig from smelling?
A: Put a cork in its nose.
Q: Why was the hockey player successful?
A: He always aimed for his goals.
Q: What kind of cereal goes “Snap, Crackle, Crunch”?
A: Roach crispies.
Q: What is a person who's never wrong's favourite baseball position?
A: Right field.
Q: What did the beaver get when he found a magic lamp?
A: Tree wishes.
Q: What do you call bubbles who are close pals?
A: Best suds.
Q: How does Luke Skywalker travel?
A: Sometimes he runs, sometimes Ewoks.
Q: Why did the school cook pour gasoline into his cake mix?
A: He wanted to make it light.
Q: What three letters do people hate to write?
A: I, O and U.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a python with an electric eel?
A: A snake that's really wired.
Q: What flavour ice cream is never on time?
A: Choco-late.
Q: What wakes up when it gets scared?
A: An alarmed clock.
Q: Why did the locomotive refuse to sit?
A: Because it had a tender behind.
Q: What do you call a baby rifle?
A: A son of a gun.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Stegosaurus with a pig?
A: A porky spine.
Q: Where do birds keep their books at school?
A: In their flockers.
Q: What has three legs and goes 'hee-haw'?
A: A wonkey donkey.
Q: What makes learning to ride a bicycle so hard?
A: The pavement.
Q: What is tasty and a great inventor?
A: Marconi and Cheese.
Q: Which sport is always in trouble?
A: Bad-minton.
Q: What do you call a turtle with propellers?
A: A shellicopter.
Q: What is life like for a termite?
A: Boring.
Q: Which star is the most dangerous?
A: The shooting star.
Q: What kind of sandwich sinks to the bottom of the tub?
A: A sub.
Q: How do prisoners stay in touch with each other?
A: With cell phones.
Q: Which bus crossed the ocean without getting wet?
A: Christopher Columbus.
Q: Which army officer is a pest?
A: General nuisance.
Q: What do you call a man who washes whales?
A: A blubber scrubber.
Q: Where do vegetables go to shop?
A: To the stalk market.
Q: What's wooly and plays really cool music?
A: A Dixie Lamb Band.
Q: What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.
Q: What bedtime stories do giants like?
A: Ones with big words.
Q: What does a boy do when he wears his pants out?
A: He wears them in again.
Q: Why did the cucumber need a lawyer?
A: It was in a pickle.
Q: What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A: A smellyphant.
Q: What's the best way to avoid wrinkles?
A: Don't sleep in your clothes.
Q: What do you call a banana that's been stepped on?
A: A banana splat.
Q: What do pirates eat while sailing the open seas?
A: Sword-ines.
Q: Why shouldn't you throw an alarm clock across a room?
A: Because it's a waste of time.
Q: What do termites eat for dessert?
A: Toothpicks.
Q: Who makes suits and eats spinach?
A: Popeye the Tailorman.
Q: When is a gun unemployed?
A: When it is fired.
Q: What's the name of a famous Australian dog drummer?
A: Dingo Starr.
Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: Because the farmer had cold hands.
Q: What do you call an egg in the jungle?
A: An eggsplorer.
Q: What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
A: It slipped a disk.
Q: What race do ghosts love to watch?
A: Scarathons.
Q: Who were the world's shortest lovers?
A: Gnomeo and Juliet.
Q: Why did the Doctor operate on the book?
A: He wanted to remove its appendix.
Q: What do you get when you cross a beautician with a dog?
A: A shampoodle.
Q: What lives in water and takes you anywhere you want to go?
A: A taxi crab.
Q: What kind of bees fight?
A: Rumble bees.
Q: Why are toilet seats so cheap?
A: The bottom has dropped out of the market.
Q: What is a plumber's favourite fruit?
A: Water-melon.
Q: Why do frogs like beer?
A: Because it's made from hops.
Q: Why did the snake lose its lawsuit?
A: It didn't have a leg to stand on.
Q: What gender are many employees at the Post Office?
A: Mail.
Q: How do fish weigh themselves?
A: They stand on their scales.
Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with an omelette?
A: Pooched eggs.
Q: Why are beavers so smart?
A: Because they gnaw everything.
Q: What unbelievable stories do bees tell?
A: Old hives' tales.
Q: What does an animal keeper grill at a picnic?
A: Zoo-chini.
Q: What's a housemaid's motto?
A: Look before you sweep.
Q: What's the tallest yellow flower in the world?
A: A giraffodil.
Q: What do mermaids eat at birthday parties?
A: Fishcakes.
Q: How do fleas train?
A: They have to start from scratch.
Q: Where does Mickey live?
A: In a mouse house.
Q: Why does lightning shock people?
A: It doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Q: What do you call an average seamstress?
A: So-sew.
Q: What do angels sing in the shower?
A: Soul.
Q: Why should you count your money on your toes?
A: So it doesn't slip through your fingers.
Q: What's the funniest car on the road?
A: A Joe-kswagen.
Q: How do you babsit a calendar?
A: Send it to a day-care center.
Q: What do a cobra, a car, and a snowsuit have in common?
A: A hood.
Q: What injections do rockets get?
A: Booster shots.
Q: How do you straighten crooked apple trees?
A: Send them to an orchard-ontist.
Q: What do you get if you cross a jumbo jet and a kangaroo?
A: A plane that makes short hops.
Q: What team do lazy students join?
A: The rest-ling team.
Q: What's the connecting link between the animal and vegetable kingdoms?
A: Stew.
Q: Where did Little Johnny find the upside-down turtle?
A: Where he left it.
Q: Why did Little Johnny invent a peanut butter stamp?
A: He wanted something to stick to the roof of his mouth.
Q: How do cats label their towels?
A: Hiss and hers.
Q: What happened to the composer who failed all his subjects?
A: He was held Bach a year.
Q: How do hens encourage their sports teams?
A: They egg them on.
Q: What happened to the novelist who was arrested?
A: He was printed and booked.
Q: What do acupuncture patients and wrestlers have in common?
A: Sooner or later, they all get pinned.
Q: What do you call two bees, a hornet, and a wasp that play violins?
A: A sting quartet.
Q: What is an American sheep's favourite state?
A: Ewe-tah.
Q: What animal makes the best butler?
A: A go-pher.
Q: What did Noah do in his spare time on the ark?
A: He fished, but he didn't catch much - he only had two worms.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cactus and a bicycle?
A: A flat tire.
Q: Where do you buy an extinct animal?
A: In a dino-store.
Q: What instrument does a lighthouse keeper play?
A: The foghorn.
Q: What dinosaur collected old bottles and cans?
A: The Recyclo-saurus.
Q: What's small, round, and very blue?
A: A cranberry holding its breath.
Q: Why was the boxer called Picasso?
A: Because he spent all his time on the canvas.
Q: Why was the actor ordered off the set of Gladiator?
A: He couldn't remember his lions.
Q: What's the difference between a lizard, a crybaby, and the Roadrunner?
A: One creeps, one weeps, and one beeps.
Q: What instrument do proud Scotsmen play?
A: Bragpipes.
Q: What's a bat's least favourite hotel?
A: The cave-inn.
Q: What's the Grinch's favourite game?
A: Wheel of Misfortune.
Q: What do you call a male bug that floats?
A: A buoyant.
Q: What do penguin construction workers use to block traffic?
A: Snow cones.
Q: What is a goalkeeper's favourite snack?
A: Beans on post.
Q: What does a sweatshirt become when you wear it in the rain?
A: A wet shirt.
Q: Where do you learn to swim?
A: In diver's ed.
Q: How do ghosts dance?
A: Shriek-to-shriek.
Q: How do chicks get out of their shells?
A: They eggs-it.
Q: What allergy makes horses sneeze?
A: Hay fever.
Q: Which ghost ate the three bears' porridge?
A: Ghouldilocks.
Q: How many feet are there in the world?
A: Twice as many as there are people.
Q: Why did the cat hang around the computer?
A: He was trying to catch the mouse.
Q: What did one faucet say to the other faucet?
A: “You're a big drip.”
Q: Why did the teacher put cat litter in the classroom?
A: For the teacher's pet.
Q: What do you call a failed lion tamer?
A: Claude Bottom.
Q: Why are fireplaces so much fun?
A: Because they're grate to watch!
Q: What is at toad's favourite pastime?
A: Crosswart puzzles.
Q: What's a witch's favourite computer tool?
A: Spell check.
Q: Why did the prisoner stuff himself with candies and chocolates?
A: He wanted to break out.
Q: What's Pinocchio's motto?
A: “No nose is good nose!”
Q: What's the difference between Goldilocks and a genealogist?
A: Goldilocks is interested in four bears; a genealogist is interested in forebears.
Q: Why did Little Johnny take his bread and butter out in the street?
A: He wanted to find a traffic jam... and a truck came along and gave him a big jar.
Q: Why was the dishwasher arrested?
A: For panhandling.
Q: What do you call a fireman who loses his job?
A: A fired-man.
Q: Who turns into a tired animal at every full moon?
A: A wearywolf.
Q: What do you call a man who gets walked all over?
A: Matt.
Q: What do you get when you cross a 747 and a magician?
A: A flying sorcerer.
Q: Whould should you use to keep tomatoes from falling out of your basket?
A: Tomato paste.
Q: What does a nervous carpenter do?
A: Bites his nails.
Q: Why did the flea get thrown out of school?
A: He wasn't up to scratch.
Q: Why was the mythical monster such a nuisance?
A: He wanted to be the Centaur of attention.
Q: What has antlers and sucks blood?
A: A moose-quito.
Q: What was the Gettysburg Address?
A: The place where Gettysburg lived.
Q: Who was the biggest gangster in the sea?
A: Al Ca-prawn.
Q: How do circus dogs fly through the air?
A: With the greatest of fleas.
Q: What is a baker's favourite game?
A: Tic Tac Dough.
Q: Why did Little Johnny take a hammer to bed with him?
A: So her could hit the hay.
Q: Why did the hockey player colour his teeth orange?
A: So they'd be easier to find on the ice.
Q: How many physicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on the kind of insurance the bulb has.
Q: Why are you always welcome in the 'Show Me State'?
A: Because Missouri loves company.
Q: How do you make a poisonous snake cry?
A: Take away its rattle.
Q: What do you call a vampire that you can dip into your coffee?
A: Count Dunkula.
Q: What part of your house is most like an animal?
A: The seal-ing.
Q: What's at the end of the road?
A: The letter 'D'.
Q: When is it not good to get a hundred on your tests?
A:When there are two of them.
Q: What did one road say to the other road?
A: “Hi, Way!”
Q: What did the dust say to the rain?
A: “If this keeps us, my name will be Mud.”
Q: Why was the glow worm sad?
A: Because her children weren't very bright.
Q: How do you glue your mouth shut?
A: With lipstick.
Q: What smells the most in a garbage dump?
A: The nose.
Q: What has a cat's head and a fish's tail?
A: A purrmaid.
Q: Why did Little Johnny cut a hole in his umbrella?
A: He wants to see when it stops raining.
Q: Why did the robot go to a psychiatrist?
A: He was having a metal breakdown.
Q: Which pirate do fish fear the most?
A: Captain Hook.
Q: Why were the bedcovers depressed?
A: Because the nurses turned them down.
Q: Where do cows post their messages at work?
A: On the bull-etin board.
Q: What happens when pigs fly?
A: The price of bacon goes up.
Q: What monster is best at math?
A: Count Dracula.
Q: Did you hear about the knitting needle that told joe-ks?
A: It could keep you in stitches.
Q: What did the buttered toast wear to bed?
A: A pair of jam-mies.
Q: Where would you look for a lost dinosaur after a heavy rain?
A: In a dino-sewer.
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal lioness?
A: She swallowed her pride.
Q: Where do chickens go to die?
A: To oven.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a comedian and a spiritualist?
A: A happy medium.
Q: On what side of the bed does a cow sleep?
A: On the udder side.
Q: What business if King Kong in?
A: Monkey business.
Q: How do you keep your hair from frizzing up in a steamy bathroom?
A: Turn on the hair conditioner.
Q: How do artists become famous?
A: It's the lukc of the draw.
Q: What's the best way to break a computer?
A: Let a grownup use it.
Q: How do cows cut the grass?
A: They moo it.
Q: Name three famous Poles?
A: North, South and tad.
Q: What is King Tut's favourite television show?
A: “Name That Tomb.”
Q: Where does a bird go when it loses its tail?
A: To a re-tail store.
Q: Why does Jay Leno ride a motorcycle?
A: He saw a sign that said, “No Jay Walking!”
Q: Who is the clumsiest bee in a hive?
A: The stumble bee.
Q: What car do rich steers drive?
A: Cattle-acs.
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of space.
Q: Which soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.
Q: Where did King Arthur go for his math test?
A: Cram-a-lot.
Q: Why did the entrepreneur buy a bottled-water plant?
A: He wanted liquid assets.
Q: Why did the tongue stay up late?
A: It was cramming for its taste test.
Q: What do vultures always have for dinner?
A: Leftovers.
Q: What kind of vehicle did Tiger Woods used to drive?
A: A fore by fore.
Q: What do you call pigs that want everything?
A: Gimme pigs.
Q: What will you find in Little Johnny's nose?
A: Fingerprints.
Q: Why did the radiator wear sunglasses?
A: To keep cool.
Q: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a tea party?
A: A tyrannosaucer.
Q: What do mummies use to fasten things together?
A: A Hammer and Niles.
Q: What does a dog use for playing golf?
A: A kennel club.
Q: What foreign language are birds good at?
A: Portugeese.
Q: How did the geometry teacher grade her students?
A: Fair and square.
Q: What comes out of the ground on a rainy evening?
A: Night-rogen.
Q: What sport do bananas compete in?
A: Track and peeled.
Q: What's a con artist's favourite game?
A: Lied 'n Sneak.
Q: Why do storks lift only one leg?
A: If they lifted the other leg they'd fall over.
Q: What do you call a student with four heads?
A: A quadruple pupil.
Q: Why did the witch fly through the car wash?
A: She wanted a clean sweep.
Q: Do deer enjoy themselves at parties?
A: Yes - they have a lot of faun.
Q: What do porcupines write their reports with?
A: Quill pens.
Q: Why did the two ghosts get married?
A: Because they loved each shudder.
Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missile toe.
Q: What do you get when you cross a jogger with an apple pie?
A: Puff pastry.
Q: What happened to the model at the debate?
A: She posed a good question.
Q: What kind of mouthwash do Doctors recommend?
A: Stetho-Scope.
Q: How did Little Johnny improve on his piano playing?
A: By playing with the lid down.
Q: What do you get if you cross an ice cream with a dog?
A: Frost-bite.
Q: How did knights make chain mail?
A: From steel wool.
Q: Who is the sacred woman of Tibet?
A: The Dalai Mama.
Q: How did the cook watch the Olympics?
A: On the dish.
Q: What animal loves a good novel?
A: A bookworm.
Q: Why did the driver throw money on the street?
A: So he could stop on a dime.
Q: What do you cut a dinosaur bone with?
A: A dino-saw.
Q: Where did the astronaut take the killer bee?
A: To a honeymoon.
Q: Why didn't the Doctor give his patient a local anesthetic?
A: He preferred something imported.
Q: What prayer do cows say at bedtime?
A: “Do unto udders.”
Q: What do you get when you buy a lot of pickles?
A: A dill bill.
Q: Why do basketball players make bad pirates?
A: They always jump ship.
Q: What do you call an American dentist?
A: A Yank.
Q: Why couldn't the chair be fixed?
A: It would cost an arm and a leg.
Q: Why was the civil engineer boring?
A: It was the only way to make a tunnel.
Q: Why was the monster catching centipedes?
A: He wanted scrambled legs for breakfast.
Q: What do you call a skeleton that talks all the time?
A: A jawbone.
Q: What do you get when you cross a chef and a UFO?
A: Something that quickly travels through spice.
Q: Where does the President wipe his feet?
A: On a diplo-mat.
Q: Why don't lamps get sunburned?
A: Because they're always in the shade.
Q: What is the most boring farm animal?
A: Blah, blah black sheep.
Q: What kind of train carries gum?
A: A chew-chew train.
Q: Why was the lady's hair angry?
A: Because she was always teasing it.
Q: How did the candle know he was in love?
A: He met his perfect match.
Q: Which hockey team slips the most?
A: The Edmonton Oilers.
Q: What do you call a cow that eats grass?
A: A lawn mooer.
Q: What has wings but can't fly?
A: A hockey team.
Q: What do you call a Doctor's assistant with no money?
A: A poor-a-medic.
Q: What does a chicken eat at the movies?
A: Peepcorn.
Q: What do you call an amorous insect?
A: The love bug.
Q: What do you call a cat that chases outlaws?
A: Posse.
Q: Which composer wrote a delicate symphony?
A: Handel - with care.
Q: What do you call a Scottish man with a castle on his head?
A: Fort William.
Q: What do you get when King Kong slips on a glacier?
A: Crushed ice.
Q: What cat has eight arms?
A: An octopuss.
Q: How does a Doctor sneak up on you to check your heartbeat?
A: He uses a stealthoscope.
Q: How can you increase the size of your pay check?
A: Look at it through a magnifying glass.
Q: What food gets better with age?
A: A saus-age.
Q: What did they call Caesar when he fell into a vat of dye?
A: Orange Julius.
Q: What made the newspaper blush?
A: It saw the comic strip.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a poodle?
A: A cockerpoodledoo.
Q: What kind of house weighs the least?
A: A lighthouse.
Q: How many bricks does it take to finish a house?
A: Only one - the last one.
Q: What happened to the horse who swallowed a dollar coin?
A: He bucked.
Q: What Australian animal loves to dance?
A: A tangoroo.
Q: What car breathes fire?
A: A station dragon.
Q: How do you compliment a witch?
A: Tell her she's charming.
Q: What do you call a bee who is always complaining?
A: A grumble bee.
Q: Who is the most musical deer?
A: Do-re-mi-fa-so-las-ti-doe.
Q: Why couldn't the witch get into the show?
A: It was standing broom only.
Q: What kind of fisherman always cries?
A: A whaler (wailer).
Q: What do you call an energetic chimp?
A: A spunky monkey.
Q: What do you call two pigs who write letters to each other?
A: Pen-pals.
Q: What's the perfect weather for a bride to get married?
A: Around groom temperature.
Q: Why did the dog have to go to court?
A: He got a barking ticket.
Christmas Kid's Humour
Q: Why did the monster eat the North Pole?
A: He was in the mood for a frozen dinner.
Q: Why don't you hear anything about the 10th reindeer “Olive”?
A: Because Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it 'soots' him.
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: “Fleece Navidad.”
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: “Okay everyone, sack time!”
Q: What is a Jehovah Witness's favourite Christmas song?
A: “No-hell, No-hell ...”
Q: What did the lumberjack's wife say to him?
A: “Not many chopping days left before Christmas.”
Q: What does the Christmas tree stand for?
A: It would take too much room lying down.
Q: What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
A: “We'll have a boo Christmas without you.”
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: Which burn longer: the candles (i) on a Christmas cake; (ii) on a fruit cake or (iii) on the mantle of a fireplace?
A: They all burn shorter.
Q: What two letters are used by the elves to describe Santa's bag the day after Christmas?
A: M T.
Q: An elf said that forty reindeers have eighty-four legs. How come?
A: Forty reindeers have eighty forelegs.
Q: When the cow crossed the road on Christmas what did he say?
A: Mooooo-ry Christmas!
Q: What kind of cereal does Santa eat?
A: Snowflakes.
Q: What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus as he looked out the window?
A: “It looks like rain dear.”
Q: What do Santa's beard and a Christmas tree have in common?
A: They both need trimming.
Q: What kind of a virus can reindeer catch?
A: The Reindeer flew.
Q: What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
A: Krisp-e Kringle.
Q: What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A: A cookie sheet.
Q: Which of Santa's reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?
A: 'Rude'olph.
Q: Who sings “Love me tender”, and makes Christmas toys?
A: Santa's little Elvis.
Q: What do you get when a cat walks along the beach?
A: Sandy Claws.
Q: What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A: Comet.
Q: What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Black mail.
Q: Who delievers cat's Christmas presents?
A: Santa Paws
Q: What are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
A: They both drop their needles.
Q: What's the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
A: Your teeth.
Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Q: What are the 3 stages of man?
1) He believes in Santa Claus.
2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
3) He is Santa Claus.
Patient: “Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell?”
Doctor: “Take these pills and if they don't work, give me a ring.
Q: What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
A: 'Jungle bells, jungle bells...'
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party?
A: 'Freeze a jolly good fellow.'
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Comet cleans sinks.
Q: What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
A: Santa Clues
Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Q: How does Rudolf know when Christmas is coming?
A: He looks at his calen-deer.
Q: Which secret agent works as a department store Santa?
A: James Bond - Double Ho Ho Seven.
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus.
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: What is this holiday greeting?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
A: No 'L' (Noel).
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, “No L!”.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can hoe-hoe-hoe.
Q: In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year?
A: They fall in the same year every year - New Year's Day just arrives very
early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year.
One Christmas Bubba got a battery with a note saying, “Toy not included.”
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: What is Santa's favourite Easter candy?
A: Jolly beans.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Why do you go to bed on Christmas Eve?
A: Because the bed won't come to you.
BIG Christmas Stocking
Q: As I was going to the North Pole I met nine elves.
Each elf had nine reindeer,
Each reindeer had nine bags.
Each bag had nine puppies.
And each bag had also nine cats, reindeer, elves, puppies and cats.
How many were going to the North Pole?
A: Only myself. The elves were going in the opposite direction.
Q: What kind of coat can you put on a Christmas toy only when its wet?
A: A coat of paint.
Q: What use is a reindeer?
A: It makes the flowers grow.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon Hood.
Q: Did you hear about the pig who started hiding garbage on Halloween?
A: He wanted to do his Christmas slopping early.
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Q: How do you make a
Moroff laugh on Boxing Day?
A: Tell him a joe-k on Christmas Eve.
Q: How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A: A Merry Christmas to Ewe.
Q: How do cats greet each other at Christmas?
A: Have a furry Merry Christmas and a Happy Mew Year.
Q: What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree?
A: A pineapple.
Q: Who is never hungry at Christmas?
A: The turkey - he's always stuffed.
Q: What do snowmen have for breakfast?
A: Frosted flakes.
Q: What does Bullwinkle sing every December 25th?
A: Christmoose carols.
Q: Which tree has square roots?
A: A geometry.
Q: What did the drum say when asked what time the concert began?
A: “Beats me!”
Q: What do you add to zero, to make eight?
A: A tight belt around its waist.
Q: What kind of cat likes to go bowling?
A: An alley cat.
Q: How do you make Mexican chili?
A: Send him to the North Pole.
Q: What kind of card do you send to a shepherd?
A: A get wool card.
Q: What do you get from nervous cows?
A: Milk shakes.
Q: What's the first thing litle vampires learn in school?
A: The alpha-bat.
Q: What did the viper do when he had a cold?
A: He viped his nose.
Q: How does the Best Man put his kids to bed?
A: He tux them in.
Q: What do you call a worried turnip?
A: An edgy veggie.
Q: What's a dog's favourite breakfast food?
A: Woofles.
Q: Why did the robot need a manicure?
A: He had rusty nails.
Q: What duet do Avon ladies play on the piano?
A: Lip-sticks.
Q: What do cars eat from?
A: License plates.
Q: What do you get when you cross a banana and a comedian?
A: Peels of laughter.
Q: Why was the music teacher locked out of his classroom?
A: The keys were on the piano.
Q: What is left when you pull a tooth?
A: A one-th.
Q: What game do mice like to play?
A: Hide and squeak.
Q: What do you call a mistake by the entire homeroom?
A: A class trip.
Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a soldier?
A: A pooper trooper.
Q: What's the difference between a hill and a pill?
A: A hill is hard to get up; a pill is hard to get down.
Q: What's the best month to chop down a tree?
A: Sep-timber.
Q: What do you call a group of people in a comedy club?
A: Laugh staff.
Q: What sound does a Chinese frog make?
A: Cloak! Cloak!
Q: Who do you call if your toast is burnt?
A: Toastbusters.
Q: Where do you get wood to make a bed?
A: In a slumberyard.
Q: What's a knight's favourite dessert?
A: Pie à la moat.
Q: Why shouldn't you brush your teeth with gun powder?
A: You might shoot your mouth off.
Q: What reptile can't be trusted?
A: A rattlesneak.
Q: What time would it be if 10 dragons chased you in your sleep?
A: Ten after one.
Q: How do you turn soup into gold?
A: Put 14 carrots in it.
Q: Why did the giant jog every morning?
A: To get his extra-size.
Q: What story tells the tale of a plumber who falls asleep for 20 years?
A: Drip Van Winkle.
Q: What do cats put in their drinks?
A: Mice cubes.
Q: Why doesn't the chin like the nose?
A: The chin thinks the nose is stuffy.
Q: How is medicine packaged for astronauts?
A: In space capsules.
Q: Where do musicians live?
A: In A flat.
Q: What do you get if you cross a computer with an elephant?
A: Loads of memory.
Q: What do Martian chickens lay?
A: Eggs-terrestrials.
Q: What do polar bears like to eat?
A: Iceberg-ers.
Q: What cake do you give to mice?
A: Cheesecake.
Q: What do you call a stupid skeleton?
A: Bonehead.
Q: What do you get when you cross poultry with Star Trek?
A: Chicken spocks.
Q: Is it difficult to be impolite?
A: No, it's rude-a-mentary.
Q: Where does a band member keep his books?
A: In a rocker locker.
Q: What's a firefly's favourite part of school?
A: Glow and Tell.
Q: What kind of suit would you wear to a kangaroo wedding?
A: A jumpsuit.
Q: Which part of a football stadium never stays the same?
A: The changing rooms.
Q: What do you call a hairless bear?
A: A bare bear.
Q: Where was the first doughnut made?
A: In Grease.
Q: What do fathers eat for snacks?
A: Popcorn.
Q: Why are a golfer's pants never wrinkled?
A: Because golfers une nine-irons.
Q: Why don't baseball players join unions?
A: Because they don't like to be called out on strikes.
Q: What are the four food groups?
A: Fast, canned, junk, and frozen.
Q: What do you call a rotten essay?
A: A decomposition.
Q: What disease do witches suffer from?
A: Broom-atism.
Q: What was Sir Lancelot's second job?
A: Knight watchman.
Q: How long will you live if you smoke cigarettes?
A: Not for lung!
Q: What did the grandfather clock say to the baby clock?
A: “Don't talk back to me!”
Q: Who solved the sweet-shop mystery?
A: Sherbert Holmes.
Q: Why must you be in good shape to become a singer?
A: You have to be able to carry a tune.
Q: What is it called when a duck scores in basketball?
A: A slam duck.
Q: Why did the chicken see the Doctor?
A: It had people pox.
Q: What goes “baaa-baaa-ka-boom”?
A: A lamb mine.
Q: Why was Bubba able to buy ice at half price?
A: It was melted.
Q: Why did the waitress call her stockbroker?
A: She was looking for a good tip.
Q: What did the eye say to the ice cube?
A: “Icy you!”
Q: What's a baby's motto?
A: “If at first you don't succeed, cry, cry again”
Q: What kind of shirts do people wear on the U.S. east coast?
A: New Jersey-s.
Q: What secret agent bleaches his hair?
A: James Blond.
Q: What was the surgeon doing in Church?
A: An organ transplant.
Q: What's the difference between a ball and a prince?
A: One is thrown to the air; the other is heir to the throne.
Q: What drink helps boxers count?
A: A one-two punch.
Q: What was the tow truck doing at the auto race?
A: Trying to pull a fast one.
Q: What does a Triceratops sit on?
A: Its Tricera-bottom.
Q: What flower lives at the North Pole?
A: A f-rose.
Q: What do you say to a stubborn chimney sweep?
A: “Soot yourself.”
Q: What do you say to a stubborn tailor?
A: “Suit yourself.”
Q: What do you say to a stubborn lawyer?
A: “Sue-it yourself.”
Q: What's another name for a collection of bees?
A: Above average grades.
Q: What do you have when there is no snow?
A: Tough sledding.
Q: Who was the first man to do math?
A: Adam.
Q: What math tool do baseball players use?
A: A slide rule.
Q: Where was Solomon's temple?
A: On either side of his head.
Q: Why are dolphins clever?
A: They live in schools.
Q: Why did the potato cry?
A: Because the chips were down.
Q: What do you call a bird that lives underground?
A: A mynah bird.
Q: What should you know if you want to be a lion tamer?
A: More than the lion.
Q: What kind of ice cream does a sailor like?
A: Boat-er pecan.
Q: Why did Dr. Jekyll cross the road?
A: To get to the other Hyde.
Q: What do you call someone who fixes pipes and plays in a band?
A: A plumber drummer.
Q: Why do watermelons get married?
A: Because they can't-elope.
Q: What do you call a group of people that dig for bones?
A: A skeleton crew.
Q: Where do musical frogs perform?
A: At the Hopera House.
Q: What do you get when you cross a plumber with a ballerina?
A: A tap dancer.
Q: What animal likes to play golf?
A: A golf lynx.
Q: What is a computer nerd's favourite lizard?
A: A geek-o.
Q: Why did the elastic band go to the baseball game?
A: It wanted to enjoy the seventh-inning stretch.
Q: Where does a werewolf like to hide?
A: In a claws-it.
Q: How do pigs communicate their dreams?
A: In swine language.
Q: Why did the employee fall asleep at work?
A: His boss told him he should retire early.
Q: How does an astronaut read in bed?
A: He flicks on a sate-light.
Q: Why did Sleeping Beauty sleep so long?
A: She forgot to leave a wake-up call.
Q: What animal pouts when it has to go to bed?
A: A whinoceros.
Q: What fruit do you get when you cross a palm tree with rocks?
A: Palmegranite.
Q: Why are Tooth Fairies so smart?
A: They gather wisdom teeth.
Q: What’s the messiest constellation?
A: The Big Dripper.
Q: How did the pancake hurt itself?
A: Doing backflips.
Q: Did you hear about the pig that learned karate?
A: He’s now doing pork chops.
Q: How do you keep a nerd in suspense?
A: I’ll tell you later.
Q: Who is the sweetest Dentist?
A: The one who gives chocolate fillings.
Q: Why did the belt get arrested?
A: It held up a pair of pants.
Q: Why did the ham go see a Doctor?
A: It wanted to know if it could be cured.
Q: What's the difference between a butcher and a night owl?
A: One weighs a steak, the other stays awake.
Q: What did the Doctor say to the patient when asked if his measles would be better the next week?
A: “I don't like to make rash promises.”
Q: What do ghosts put on first thing in the morning?
A: Their boojeans.
Q: What do little astronauts get when they do their homework?
A: Gold stars.
Q: When time flies, where does the pilot sit?
A: In the clockpit.
Q: Why did the Irishman go to the foot Doctor?
A: He had lepre-corns.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur that's always on time?
A: A prontosaurus.
Q: What is the coldest colour of all?
A: Brrrrrrrgundy.
Q: If a man crosses the ocean twice without taking a bath, what is he called?
A: A dirty double-crosser.
Q: What do farmers use to light their fields at night?
A: A flarecrow.
Q: What do you call a ship full of rabbits?
A: A harecraft carrier.
Q: What is a worm's favourite city?
A: The Big Apple.
Q: Why didn't the cat climb the tree?
A: It was a dogwood.
Q: Why don't matches play baseball?
A: One strike and they're out.
Q: Why did Little Johnny put an alarm clock in his shoe?
A: He didn't want his foot to fall asleep.
Q: What man never gets his hair wet in the shower?
A: A bald one.
Q: Where do snowmen put their web pages?
A: On the winternet.
Q: How did the mountain climber feel when he tumbled off the cliff?
A: Crestfallen.
Q: What is an astronaut's favourite thing to read?
A: A 'comet' book.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chocolate and a sheep?
A: A Hershey baaa.
Q: What kind of book tweets?
A: A dict-canary.
Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.
Q: What do you call a place where monsters live?
A: A terror-tory.
Q: What is your father if you take his favourite chair?
A: A mad Dad.
Q: What room is the most dangerous for men?
A: The bathroom - that's where they have so many close shaves.
Q: Why did the chicken run on to the soccer field?
A: Because the ref blew for a foul.
Q: What does a bee sit on?
A: His beehind.
Q: How did the blonde make her husband a millionaire?
A: Before she married, he was a billionaire.
Q: What is the favourite food of the Three Musketeers?
A: Swordfish.
Q: What do you get when you read a book on the beach?
A: Sandpaper.
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield?
A: It's feet.
Q: What kind of criminal is the strongest?
A: A shoplifter.
Q: What did the school nurse do when the mouse fainted?
A: She gave it mouth-to-mouse resuscitation.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde tap dancer?
A: She fell in the sink.
Q: What do you get when you cross a string quartet with a chocolate dessert?
A: Cello pudding.
Q: What do you call a sailing reptile?
A: An alligator navigator.
Q: What do you call a pig in an earthquake?
A: Shaken bacon.
Q: What do you call soap all over the bathroom floor?
A: Bubble trouble.
Q: What do models eat off?
A: Fashion plates.
Q: Why do surgeons get so many phone calls?
A: Because they're big operators.
Q: What did the angry baseball umpire shout to the bald coach?
A: “You're outta hair!”
Q: Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with?
A: The girl necks door.
Q: What is Dracula's favourite kind of coffee?
A: Decoffinated.
Q: What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
A: Shrinkenstein.
Q: What happened when the young wizard met the young witch?
A: It was love at first fright.
Q: Did you hear about the vampire who died of a broken heart?
A: He had loved in vein.
Q: What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
A: “I love every bone in your body!”
Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath.
Q: What is a vamire's favorite fruit?
A: A necktarine.
Q: How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
A: Every night he turns into a bat.
Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking?
A: A pumpkin patch.
Q: What's a vampires favourite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving.
Q: What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
A: A toasty ghosty.
Q: Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?
A: It raises their spirits.
Q: What do skeletons say before eating?
A: Bone appetite.
Q: What happens when two vampires meet?
A: It was love at first bite.
Q: When does a ghost have breakfast?
A: In the moaning.
Q: How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
A: So long, sucker.
Q: What do ghosts drink at breakfast?
A: Coffee with scream and sugar.
Q: What's a monster's favourite bean?
A: A human bean.
Q: What's a Vampire's least favourite song?
A: Another one bites the dust.
Q: What is a ghost's favourite band?
A: The Boos Brothers.
Q: What's a Skeleton's favourite song?
A: Bad to the bone.
Q: What do you call a witch's garage?
A: A broom closet.
Q: What is in a ghost's nose?
A: Boo-gers.
Q: What is a Ghost's favourite food?
A: HamBoogers.
Q: What's a skeleton's favourite part of the house?
A: The living room.
Q: Who was the most famous ghost detective?
A: Sherlock Moans.
Q: Who was the most famous witch detective?
A: Warlock Holmes.
Q: Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
A: He had a fang-ache.
Q: Why are vampires like false teeth?
A: They all come out at night.
Q: Why did the Vampire read the New York Times?
A: He heard it had great circulation.
Q: Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
A: The Vampire State Building.
Q: Where does a ghost go on vacation?
A: Mali-boo.
Q: Whats a ghost's favorate type of car?
A: A Boo-ick.
Q: What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Halloween?>
A: Can I have the keys to the broom tonight.
Q: Why don't mummies take vacations?
A: They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
A: Ghoul.
Q: Where did the ghost get it's hair done?
A: At the boo-ty shop.
Q: What did the ghost say to the man at the coffee shop?
A: Scream or sugar.
Q: Where do ghosts go for fun?
A: To the boo-vies.
Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A: For the Boos.
Q: Why was the girl afraid of the vampire?
A: He was all bite and no bark.
Q: How does a girl vampire flirt?
A: She bats her eyes.
Q: What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?
A: Whipped scream.
Q: Why did the skeleton go disco dancing?
A: To see the boogy man.
Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.
Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?
A: Over the ghoul line.
Q: Why doesn't Dracula mind the Doctor looking at his throat?
A: Because of the coffin.
Q: What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
A: Mas-scare-a.
Q: Who was the most famous French skeleton?
A: Napoleon bone-apart.
Q: Where do most werewolves live?
A: In Howllywood, California.
Q: Where do most goblins live?
A: In North and South Scarolina.
Q: What do Italian's eat on Halloween?
A: Fettucinni Afraid-o.
Q: What do you call a little monster's parents?
A: Mummy and Deady.
Q: What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes?
A: A cereal killer.
Q: Why do vampires scare people?
A: They are bored to death.
Q: How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
A: Give him screws.
Q: What is a ghosts favourite sale?
A: A white sale.
Q: What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A: A boo-tie.
Q: What type of dog do vampires like best?
A: Bloodhounds.
Q: What do canaries do on Halloween night?
A: They go trick or tweeting.
Q: What would happen if you moved Halloween from the fall to the spring?
A: You'd get April Ghoul's Day.
Q: How do ghosts like their eggs cooked?
A: Terrifried.
Q: What do ghosts wear at the beach?
A: Sun scream.
Q: What is a monster's favourite ride in an amusement park?
A: The roller ghoster.
Q: What does a ghost wear in the rain?
A: Ghouloshes.
Q: What does a ghost use on his computer monitor?
A: A scream saver.
Q: Why did the ghost starch her sheets?
A: So that she could scare everyone stiff.
Q: What type of music do witches play?
A: Hagtime.
Q: What type of pets do ghosts have?
A: Scaredy-cats
Q: What is a baby ghost's favourite game?
A: Peek-a-BOO!
Q: Why was the ghost arrested?
A: He didn't have a haunting license.
Q: What do you call a prehistoric ghost?
A: A terror-dactyl.
Q: What do ghosts have for dessert?
A: Booberry ice scream.
Q: What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A: “Do you believe in people?”
Q: What did the ghost teacher tell her pupils?
A: “Spook when you're spooken too!”
Q: Where do ghosts get an education?
A: At high sghoul.
Q: How did the ghosts win their football game?
A: They kicked a field ghoul.
Q: How can you tell when a ghost is about to faint?
A: He gets pale as a sheet.
Q: What do little ghosts do their homework in?
A: Exorcise books.
Q: Where do ghosts buy their sheets?
A: In a boo-tique.
Q: What happened when the ghost teachers went on strike?
A: They were replaced by a skeleton staff.
Q: Who writes invisible books?
A: A ghost writer.
Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Fasten your sheet belt!
Q: What pasta do ghosts like best?
A: Spook-etti
Q: Do ghosts hunt with guns?
A: No, they use a boo and arrow.
Q: What's a good gift for an Australian ghost?
A: A boomerang.
Q: Who did the ghost take to the prom?
A: His ghoul friend.
Q: What do you say before you start a meeting with ghosts?
A: “Please be sheeted.”
Q: What do you call a ghost that picks on other ghosts?
A: A boo-lly.
Q: How does a young ghost count?
A: One, boo, three.
Q: What do ghosts sing in the singing club?
A: Spirituals.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a hot-air balloon with a ghost?
A: High spirits.
Q: Why did the spirit study English?
A: To become a ghostwriter.
Q: Why did the tiny ghost join the football team?
A: He heard they needed a little school spirit.
Q: Why didn’t the teacher believe the little ghost’s excuse?
A: She could see right through it.
Q: Why do ghosts go to school?
A: To get a dead-ucation.
Q: Why do ghosts make great cheerleaders?
A: They have lots of spirit.
Q: Why was the ghost of Anne Boleyn always running after the ghost of Henry VIII?
A: She was trying to get a-head.
Q: What do ghosts chew?
A: Boo-ble gum.
Q: Why is it good to tell ghost stories in hot weather?
A: Because they're so chilling.
Q: What position did the ghost play on the hockey team?
A: Ghoulie.
Q: What does a ghost read every day?
A: His horror-scope.
Q: How do ghosts get to school in the morning?
A: They take a ghoul bus
Q: Who did the gravediggers invite to their Halloween party?
A: Anyone they could dig up.
Q: What's worse than being a 300-pound witch?
A: Being her broom.
Q: Why don't vampires like steak?
A: It goes right through them.
Q: What's a witch's favourite dessert?
A: Ice scream.
Q: How do vampires travel the ocean?
A: By blood vessel.
Q: Why did the vampire get fired from his job as a zookeeper?
A: He kept biting the visitors.
Q: Why did Dracula's girlfriend dump him?
A: The relationship was very draining.
Q: What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What do witches use to style their hair?
A: Scare spray.
Q: Why did the vampire get taken away in a straitjacket?
A: He had gone batty.
Q: How did the werewolf send his birthday cards?
A: By hair-mail.
Q: Why do people get so upset when a vampire bites them?
A: It's a drain in the neck.
Q: What kind of mail does Dracula receive after doing a movie?
A: Fang mail.
Q: Why did the vampire get sick after lunch?
A: He ate a stake sandwich.
Q: Did you hear about the vampire who keeps his teeth in the freezer?
A: He gives his victims frostbite.
Q: What's a vampire say to his victims?
A: “It's been nice gnawing you!”
Q: Why do vampires drink blood?
A: Grape juice makes them burp.
Q: Why is a haunted house always dark?
A: Ghosts scare the daylights out of it.
Q: What do ghosts take for a headache?
A: Casper-in.
Q: What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
A: Boo-boos.
Q: What do ghosts spread on bagels?
A: Scream cheese.
Q: Why do witches like to ride brooms?
A: Vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
Q: Why don't skeletons play music in Churches?
A: They have no organs.
Q: Why did the stupid goblin flunk his math test?
A: He couldn't find the scare root.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a witch with a gourmet chef?
A: An eight-curse meal.
Q: What's a skeleton's favourite road?
A: A dead end.
Q: How do you make a witch itch?
A: Take out the 'W'.
Q: What does a modern witch fly?
A: An electric broom.
Q: What is a witch's favourite bird?
A: A scare crow.
Q: What type of jewelry do witches wear?
A: Charm bracelets.
Q: What kind of goblin likes blood?
A: A hemogoblin.
Q: How does a witch tell time?
A: With a witch watch.
Q: What do you get if you cross a witch with an iceberg?
A: Cold spells.
Q: Why was the witch kicked out of school?
A: Because she failed spelling.
Q: What do you call two witches who live together?
A: Broom-mates.
Q: Why don't witches ride on their brooms when they're angry?
A: They're afraid of flying off the handle.
Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
A: So they know which witch is which.
Q: What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A: A road hag.
Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A: A sand-witch.
Q: What do witches ring for in a hotel?
A: B-room service.
Q: How do you make a nervous witch?
A: Give the witch 'T' to make her TWITCH.
Q: What happens to witches who get into trouble at magic school?
A: They're ex-spelled.
Q: What kind of watch does a witch wear?
A: A witch-watch.
Q: What does a witch serve her friends?
A: A full-curse meal.
Q: How did they ship skeletons in the Old West?
A: By bony express.
Q: What do you call a skeleton who won't get up in the mornings?
A: Lazy bones.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom?
A: He had no body to go with.
Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton eat the food at restaurant?
A: Because he didn't have the stomach for it.
Q: Why are skeletons so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin.
Q: Who was the famous skeleton detective?
A: Sherlock Bones.
Q: What did the skeleton get in Hawaii?
A: A skeletan.
Q: How do skeletons call their friends?
A: On the tele-bone.
Q: Why do skeletons catch cold so fast?
A: Because they're chilled to the bone.
Q: What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
A: Spare ribs.
Q: What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
A: “Bone to be wild!”.
Q: How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A: Tickle its funny bone.
Q: What is a skeleton's favourite musical instrument?
A: A trom-bone.
Q: What is a skeleton snake called?
A: A rattler.
Q: Why do skeletons sing in Church?
A: Because they've got no organs.
Q: What did the skeleton say to the little dog?
A: “I've got a bone to pick with you!”.
Q: What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A: “Bone appetit!”.
Q: Where do skeletons keep their money?
A: In a joint account.
Q: What's a good wedding gift for a skeleton?
A: Bone china.
Q: What do you get if you cross a skeleton with a dog?
A: An animal that buries itself.
Q: What do skeletons call study periods?
A: Skull sessions.
Q: Why did the injured skeleton take up sewing?
A: So his bones would knit.
Q: Why did the skeleton go to school?
A: To bone up on a few things.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton like to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.
Q: What kind of glasses do monsters drink from?
A: Franken-steins.
Q: What kind of telephones do mummies use?
A: Touch-tomb phones.
Q: What kind of key does a skeleton use?
A: A skeleton key.
Q: What kinds of tests do they give witches?
A: Hex-aminations.
Q: Why was the witch first in her class?
A: She was a good speller.
Q: Why doesn't anyone like Dracula?
A: He has a bat temper.
Q: Why do vampires have to write so many letters?
A: They have to reply to their fang clubs.
Q: Why was the mummy so tense?
A: She was all wound up.
Q: Why isn't Dracula invited to many parties?
A: Because he's a pain in the neck.
Q: Where do vampires keep their savings?
A: In a blood bank.
Q: What is the scariest U.S. city?
A: Spookane, Washington.
Q: What days of the week do monsters like best?
A: Moan-day, Tombs-day and Fright-day.
Q: Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
A: To improve his bite.
Q: How do monsters predict the future?
A: They read their horrorscope.
Q: Why wasn't the vampire working?
A: He was taking a coffin break.
Q: Why don't mummies have any friends?
A: They're too wrapped up in themselves.
Q: What did the mummy say to the detective?
A: “Let's wrap up this case.”.
Q: Why did the one-eyed monster give up teaching?
A: He only had one pupil.
Q: What's a mummy's favourite music?
A: Wrap.
Q: Why did the vampire go to art school?
A: He needed to draw blood.
Q: Why did the headless horseman go to college?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life.
Q: Where do mummies go swimming?
A: In the Dead Sea.
Q: How can you tell if a mummy has a cold?
A: She starts coffin.
Q: Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A: They're good at keeping things under wraps.
Q: What is Dracula's favourite sport?
A: Casketball.
Q: What is a mummy's favourite treat?
A: Cotton candy.
Q: What do you call two ancient Egyptian friends buried in a tomb together?
A: Chummy mummies.
Q: Why don't hungry monsters like to eat mummies?
A: It takes too long to get the wrappers off.
Q: What's the difference between a kangaroo and a mummy?
A: One bounds around, the other is bound around.
Q: Which mummy was a football player?
A: King Hut-Hut-Hut.
Q: How do you use an Egyptian mummy's doorbell?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Q: What did one empty pyramid say to the other?
A: “I miss my mummy.”.
Q: What kind of underwear do mummies wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Q: How do you keep a mummy crisp and fresh?
A: Use plastic wrap.
Q: What do you say about a terrible mummy movie?
A: “It sphinx!”.
Q: Why don't mummies go on vacation?
A: They're afraid that they'll relax and unwind.
Q: How did the mummy react to the dull class?
A: It was bored stiff.
Q: What's Dracula's favourite sport?
A: Bat-minton.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Count Dracula with a fish?
A: A caped cod.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Dracula with a PC?
A: Computer bytes.
Q: Why is it fun to play baseball with Dracula?
A: He has lots of bats.
Q: What do you call an overweight vampire?
A: Draculard.
Q: What do you call the man who writes all of Dracula's joe-ks?
A: His crypt writer.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Jesse James and Dracula?
A: A robbery at the blood bank.
Q: Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
A: He had fang decay.
Q: Where does Dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie.
Q: What do you get when you cross Dracula with Microsoft Word?
A: A word count.
Q: Where did Count Dracula earn his college degree?
A: At night school.
Q: What do you get when you cross a manicurist with Dracula?
A: A nail biter.
Q: What is Dracula's favourite soup?
A: Scream of Tomato.
Q: Why is the Dracula family so close?
A: Because blood is thicker than water.
Q: What disease does Count Dracula fear most?
A: Tooth decay.
Q: Who is Count Dracula's favourite person on a baseball team?
A: The bat boy.
Q: What does Count Dracula use to cut his food?
A: A 'stake' knife.
Q: If Dracula's son played baseball, what would he be?
A: Batboy.
Q: What kind of restaurant does Dracula hate?
A: A stake house.
Q: What is Dracula's favourite song?
A: “Fangs for the memory...”.
Q: What colour is Dracula's door?
A: Ghoul-den.
Q: What does a ghost drink in the morning?
A: Coff-eek.
Q: What does Dracula take when he has a cold?
A: Coffin medicine.
Q: What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A: A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they eat the fingers separately.
Q: What do zombies like to eat at a cook out?
A: Halloweenies.
Q: What do you call a fake horse?
A: A phony pony.
Q: What do you call a cruel ruler?
A: A mean queen.
Q: What do you call a bird that loves sweet rolls?
A: A muffin puffin.
Q: What do you call a werewolf professor?
A: A creature teacher.
Q: What kind of sweaters do bald rabbits wear?
A: Mo-hare.
Q: What do you call a bandit that leaves a slimy trail?
A: A slug thug.
Q: What do you get when you lay your head on a bongo?
A: An eardrum.
Q: What do killer whales eat for snacks?
A: Potato ships.
Q: How do you videotape a beach party?
A: With a clamcorder.
Q: What is the biggest moth in the world?
A: A mam-moth.
Q: What do you get when you put a purse in your bed?
A: A sleeping bag.
Q: What do you get when you bungee jump with a sore throat?
A: A cough drop.
Q: Which dog is the most boring?
A: The poo-dull.
Q: What dog keeps an eye on the kids?
A: A baby-setter.
Q: How does a watchdog get wound up?
A: He runs in circles.
Q: What's a lifeguard's favourite game?
A: Pool.
Q: Which planet is the smoggiest?
A: Pollute-o.
Q: What do you call a rabbit that does dangerous stunts?
A: A haredevil.
Q: What is another name for submarine pilots?
A: Deep sea drivers.
Q: Why did the Man in the Moon's pants fall down?
A: He forgot to wear his asteroid belt.
Q: What does the Man in the Moon get when he plays Jeopardy?
A: The constellation prize.
Q: What colour loves to go boating?
A: Oar-ange.
Q: What kind of fish drinks quickly?
A: A gulp-y.
Q: Why are astronauts banned from pools?
A: They make too many splashdowns.
Q: What fish is used by a fencer?
A: Swordfish.
Q: What do you call an Olympic swim star?
A: A damp champ.
Q: What do you call a wet bear?
A: A drizzly grizzly.
Q: What egg travels to unknown places?
A: An eggs-plorer.
Q: Why did the milk carton sleep in the library?
A: It wanted to curdle up with a good book.
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig and a red light?
A: A stop swine.
Q: What kind of berry makes a loud, honking sound?
A: A goose-berry.
Q: Why couldn't #7 and #10 get married?
A: They were under 18.
Q: Why was the lightbulb interested in the light switch?
A: It turned him on.
Q: What is a bathtub's favourite dessert?
A: A cake of soap.
Q: What do you call a group of boring musicians?
A: A bland band.
Q: Why shouldn't you play the notes on a piano?
A: You'll get into treble if you do.
Q: What kind of soup weighs 2000 pounds?
A: One ton soup.
Q: What do you call a silly song about silverware?
A: A spoon tune.
Q: What do you call a pig driving a car?
A: Road hog.
Q: What sort of news do werewolves fear?
A: Silver bulletins.
Q: What do you use to knit a barbed-wire fence?
A: Steel wool.
Q: Why do elephants have ivory tusks?
A: Iron tusks would rust.
Q: What do they put on a criminal pig?
A: Hamcuffs.
Q: When is the best time of day to eat a crisp apple?
A: At crunchtime.
Q: What jacket do firemen prefer?
A: Blazers.
Q: What do you call a spaceship with a faulty thermostat?
A: A frying saucer.
Q: What movie producer was always scratching himself?
A: Alfred Itchcock.
Q: What do you call a bird that loves to play cowboys?
A: Wyatt Chirp.
Q: What do you call a telephone call from one vicar to another?
A: A Parson-to-Parson call.
Q: What does Charlie Brown like on his toast?
A: Peanuts butter.
Q: What happened when the potato got pulled over by the police?
A: He got a spud-ding ticket.
Q: Which came first - the chicken or the egg?
A: The chicken - God couldn't lay an egg.
Q: What pliers do you use in math?
A: Multipliers.
Q: What U.S. city has the best eyesight?
A: See-attle.
Q: What happens when you sit on a grape?
A: It gives a little whine.
Q: What is the plural of baby?
A: Twins.
Q: What did the mummy robot say to her children?
A: “Look before you bleep!”
Q: What do you call a swearing teacher?
A: Sir-Cuss.
Q: What job did the spider get?
A: Web designer.
Q: What do you call an animated monster?
A: A toon goon.
Q: What did the kneecap get when it went scuba diving?
A: The bends.
Q: What is the most arrogant bird?
A: A cocky-too.
Q: What happens when pants cut school?
A: They get suspendered.
Q: What do you get when your lawnmower goes out of control?
A: Stained-grass windows.
Q: Why did the soldier salute the refrigerator?
A: Because it was General Electric.
Q: What does a snake do when its car gets stuck in a swamp?
A: It uses four-eel drive.
Q: What smells good and rides a horse?
A: The Cologne Ranger.
Q: What phrase is guaranteed to wake up an audience?
A: “And now, in conclusion...”
Q: What would you get if you crossed a cold with a leaky faucet?
A: Cough drops.
Q: What squawks and jumps out of airplanes?
A: A parrot-trooper.
Q: What's the scariest thing about flying Zombie Airlines?
A: The fright attendants.
Q: How do you blow up a balloon?
A: Poke it with a sharp pencil.
Q: What Jedi loves winter sports?
A: Luke Ski-walker.
Q: What did the golfer eat for lunch?
A: A sand wedge.
Q: What do you call a clumsy lion?
A: King of the Bungle.
Q: Do zombies like being dead?
A: Of corpse!
Q: Why can't you take a turkey out for dinner?
A: It gobbles its food.
Q: What is a medicine dropper?
A: A Doctor with greasy fingers.
Q: What was the plumber doing in the operating room?
A: He was a drain surgeon.
Q: How did the shepherd's flock look?
A: Sheepshape.
Q: Where do monkeys sleep?
A: In ape-ricots.
Q: What happens to good hairdressers?
A: They dye and go to heaven.
Q: Why did the knife sharpener quit his job?
A: He couldn't take the grind.
Q: What was the poor locksmith always looking for?
A: The key to success.
Q: Where do they keep the Goodyear blimp?
A: In a high-rise building.
Q: Who gives money to elephants who lose a tooth?
A: The tusk fairy.
Q: What kind of music do you hear in a playground?
A: Swing.
Q: What kind of food always has something nice to say?
A: Complimentary peanuts.
Q: Where do you send old detectives?
A: To the clue factory.
Q: Did you hear the one about the bed?
A: It hasn't been made up yet.
Q: How is a sneezing elephant like a spy?
A: They both have a code in the head.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?
A: A farm animal that milks itself.
Q: How do you make a Maltese cross?
A: Pull its tail.
Q: What side of a hedgehog is the sharpest?
A: The outside.
Q: What's a snake's favourite ice cream?
A: Asp-berry.
Q: What's a cyclop's motto?
A: Stare and stare alike.
Q: What do you get when you cross an ape and a crustacean?
A: A shrimpanzee.
Q: Why did Little Johnny bring a ladder to the school assembly program?
A: The music teacher asked him to sing higher.
Q: What kind of carts do golfers need?
A: Carts with fore-wheel drive.
Q: What kind of car do you drive in the fall?
A: An autumn-mobile.
Q: Why did Mrs. Grape leave Mr. Grape?
A: She was tired of raisin kids.
Q: What kind of bird sits on a stool?
A: A stool pigeon.
Q: What is black, white and very difficult?
A: An exam paper.
Q: What wild animals are the best dressed?
A: Tie-gers.
Q: What kind of man can hold up a 50-ton truck with one hand?
A: A policeman.
Q: What kind of friends do tongues have?
A: Taste buds.
Q: What did Pinocchio say to the barber?
A: "Just a whittle off the top."
Q: Where do you go to learn how to start fires?
A: Tinder-garten.
Q: What do mountaineers do when they're bored?
A: They climb the walls.
Q: Where do gerbils go on vacation?
A: New Hampster.
Q: Why do starfish get up in the middle of the night?
A: They have to
twinkle.
Q: What's the best thing for nail biting?
A: Sharp teeth.
Q: Why is a baby duckling like an icicle?
A: They both grow down.
Q: What did the nose say to the ear?
A: “Gotta run!”
Q: How did the cook invent macaroni?
A: He used his noodle.
Q: Why did the elephant eat a candle?
A: It wanted a light dinner.
Q: What happens if you swallow a frog?
A: You could croak at any minute.
Q: Why did the beaver go to the hospital?
A: It was feeling knaw-seous.
Q: Which letter can you sail on?
A: 'C'.
Q: Where do crocodiles store their food?
A: In refrigergators.
Q: What is the biggest pencil in the world?
A: Pennsylvania.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he needs to give it a good twist.
Q: How did the hot dogs get married?
A: For better or wurst.
Q: What fruit is always complaining?
A: A crab apple.
Q: Why should you stay calm when you meet a cannibal?
A: It's no use getting in a stew.
Q: Which part of a boat is the most polite?
A: The bow.
Q: How do clowns send computer messages?
A: By glee-mail.
Q: Why did the clock get kicked out of school?
A: It was always tocking.
Q: Why was the dog twitching so much?
A: It had a tic.
Q: Why can't Batman and Robin go fishing?
A: Robin eats all the worms.
Q: What movies make people cry?
A: E-motion pictures.
Q: What happens when a Finnish swimmer gets into trouble?
A: Helsinki.
Q: How do you make an apple puff?
A: Chase it round the kitchen.
Q: What do you do when a pig chokes in the school cafeteria?
A: You give him the ham-lich maneuver.
Q: Why was the opera singer kicked out of class?
A: For passing notes.
Q: What do the natives of Peru write with?
A: Inca.
Q: Who sits in front of the TV with bad posture?
A: A slouch potato.
Q: What kind of horses frighten ranchers?
A: Nightmares.
Q: What do elves do after school?
A: Gnomework.
Q: When is it most unlucky to have a black cat cross your path?
A: When you're a mouse.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pot and a bush?
A: A pan tree.
Q: What do you call a man with no shins?
A: Tony.
Q: What do you call a cat that sucks lemons?
A: A sour puss.
Q: What shampoo do mountains use?
A: Head and Boulders.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and axes?
A: Milk and hackers.
Q: Why did the girl go to night school?
A: She wanted to learn to read in the dark.
Q: Why did the waiter fall over?
A: He was tipped.
Q: How does a Dentist get to work each morning?
A: By Tooth Ferry.
Q: What do you call a girl with sausages on her head?
A: Barbie.
Q: What's got feathers, fangs and swims?
A: Count Duckula.
Q: What does a math teacher use to plow a field?
A: A pro-tractor.
Q: What's Snow White's brother's name?
A: Egg White ... get the yolk?
Q: Why didn't the flea look well?
A: It wasn't feeling up to scratch.
Q: How does a sailor send computer messages?
A: By sea-mail.
Q: What do rodents drink in the summer?
A: Mice tea.
Q: Where do you find the names of famous cooks?
A: “In Stew's Who.”
Q: What kind of dog can be hot and cold?
A: A chilly chili dog.
Q: On which side of the house did Jack's beanstalk grow?
A: The outside.
Q: Why do dolphins swim in salt water?
A: Pepper makes them sneeze.
Q: How does an Eskimo build his house?
A: Igloos it together.
Q: What do you call a smashed penny?
A: A bent cent.
Q: Why did the teacher put the lights on?
A: Because the class was dim.
Q: What's filled with ink and has no hair?
A: A bald-point pen.
Q: What do you get if you cross a bronco with a dog?
A: An animal whose buck is worse than his bite.
Q: Why do quilters love pine trees?
A: They're full of needles.
Q: What did the vegetarian eat for lunch?
A: Yamburgers and fries.
Q: What sport involves skating and little grey animals?
A: Mice hockey.
Q: How did the computers afford a vacation?
A: They all chipped in.
Q: Why do astronauts wear bullet-proof vests?
A: To protect themselves against shooting stars.
Q: What kind of bees are found in dead flower gardens?
A: Zom-bees.
Q: Why is it good to have holes in your underwear?
A: So you can put your legs through.
Q: What does a snake charmer wear around his neck?
A: A boa tie.
Q: What is a comedian's favourite snack?
A: Corn bread.
Q: What position did the monster play on the baseball team?
A: Fright fielder.
Q: What kind of X-rays do foot Doctors take?
A: Foot-ographs.
Q: What do you do with a green monster?
A: You wait until it ripens.
Q: Where do sea cows sleep at night?
A: In a barn-acle.
Q: What happened to Little Johnny when he swallowed a watch?
A: He felt tick to his stomach.
Q: What do you call two cats?
A: A purr.
Q: What do you call a cool candle?
A: Wick-ed.
Q: Why did the bungee jumper take a vacation?
A: He was at the end of his rope.
Q: What rabbit hands out parking tickets?
A: Meter Cottontail.
Q: Which number is the best golfer?
A: 4.
Q: What do waiters dream about?
A: Sirloin tips.
Q: What Robin Hood sidekick loved fast food?
A: French Friar Tuck.
Q: What did the birdwatcher say when he spotted a large flock of geese heading south for the
winter?
A: “Migratious!”
Q: What do you call payment for a job not well done?
A: Token effort.
Q: What music don't wasps like?
A: Raid-io.
Q: What girl has a lot of missing pieces?
A: Jenn-der Gap.
Q: What happens when a bear gets scared?
A: Panda-monium.
Q: Why did Little Johnny get sent from his music class to the principal's office?
A: He was a treble maker.
Q: How did the pessimist count his blessings?
A: Five, four, three, two, one...
Q: What athletes went up the hill to fetch a pail of water?
A: Jock and Jill.
Q: Who went on horseback up the hill to fetch a pail of water?
A: Jockey and Jill.
Q: What bullies went up the hill to fetch a pail of water?
A: Jerk and Jill.
Q: What happens to a harp when its strings break?
A: It has open-harp surgery.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Miss Piggy with a beauty queen?
A: Mess America.
Q: What kind of dog has the most ticks?
A: A watch dog.
Q: What do VCR tapes do at night?
A: They unwind.
Q: How do amoebas break up with their boyfriends?
A: They split.
Q: What do Eskimos eat at a Mexican restaurant?
A: Brrrrr-itos.
Q: What kind of vehicle does a math teacher drive?
A: A 4X4.
Q: What type of pen do people throw money at?
A: A fountain pen.
Q: When are teachers awesome?
A: When they have a lot of class.
Q: What happened when the boarding house blew up?
A: Roomers were flying.
Q: Where do books sleep?
A: Under their covers.
Q: What do you say to a hitchhiking frog?
A: “Hop in.”
Q: Where does a golf instructor work?
A: At a driving school.
Q: Who is the meanest chicken?
A: Atilla the Hen.
Q: What would you get if you crossed an elephant and an alligator?
A: An elephator.
Q: What did the corn chip say to the potato chip?
A: “Let's go for a quick dip.”
Q: Why didn't the 16 Rednecks get into the movies?
A: Because the sign said, “Under 17 not admitted.”
Q: What footwear survived the Titanic sinking?
A: Only the sole survivor.
Q: What would you get if you crossed an alligator with a pygmy?
A: A crocodile with a short temper.
Q: Where did Little Johnny find a turtle without feet?
A: Exactly where he left him.
Q: What do elves surf on?
A: Micro-waves.
Q: What did the baseball glove say to the baseball?
A: “Catch you later.”
Q: What candies do mad scientists eat after supper?
A: Experi-mints.
Q: How do you cope with a gas leak?
A: Send him out of the room and open the window.
Q: How do Martians drink their tea?
A: From flying saucers.
Q: What do sunglasses say when they marry?
A: “Eye do.”
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
Q: Who talks for the workers in a bicycle factory?
A: The spokesperson.
Q: Do minks think hunting animals is inhumane?
A: Fur sure!
Q: What happened at the baseball game played on the Ark?
A: It was a Noah-hitter.
Q: What do Martians roast at campfires?
A: Marsmallows.
Q: What vegetable did the Pilgrim get lost in?
A: Maize.
Q: Where does a jogger like to wash up?
A: Under running water.
Q: What famous pirate had to brush his teeth and be in bed by eight o'clock?
A: Captain Kidd.
Q: How did Mary feel about her little lamb's insomnia?
A: She wasn't going to lose any sheep over it.
Q: What's a banker's favourite dance?
A: The vaults.
Q: What do maples give each other when they marry?
A: Tree rings.
Q: Did you hear about the man who washed his kilt?
A: He could not do a fling with it.
Q: What did the violin say to the musician?
A: “Stop picking on me.”
Q: Where would you never see a vegetarian?
A: At a meat-ing.
Q: Who is green and eats porridge?
A: Mouldy Locks.
Q: What's a bear's ancestor called?
A: A forebear.
Q: What's the best way to send a message to a vegetable?
A: By pea-mail.
Q: What lizard wears a hairpiece?
A: A wiguana.
Q: What organized gang destroys wool coats?
A: The mothia.
Q: What does a thief wear to a fancy party?
A: A mink stole-n.
Q: What do peases, beanses and soupses come in?
A: Kansas.
Q: Which part of a newspaper do barbers read?
A: Only the headlines.
Q: Why did the hat turn bad?
A: It was hanging out with a lot of hoods.
Q: Where did Little Johnny find the turtle with no legs?
A: Right where he left him.
Q: What's the laziest thing in a cafeteria?
A: The nap-kins.
Q: What got the plywood in trouble?
A: Coming unglued.
Q: Where does a lion work out?
A: At the jungle gym.
Q: Where do chickens find information for their school reports?
A: In the hencyclopedia.
Q: Why did the actor need a calculator?
A: For audition and subtraction.
Q: How does a trombone score a home run?
A: It slides.
Q: What's the best way to cross a moat?
A: In a moat-er boat.
Q: What should you do if you get a rash from biting mosquitoes?
A: Stop biting mosquitoes.
Q: What did the bread do when it woke up?
A: It loafed around.
Q: What do you lend to a needy vet?
A: A helping hound.
Q: How do undertakers speak?
A: Gravely.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a duck?
A: Count Quackula.
Q: What do you get when you cross a python with a peach?
A: A snake pit.
Q: What do you call it when all of the monkeys leave a zoo?
A: An ape escape.
Q: What's a shark's favourite game?
A: Bite and seek.
Q: What paper is a cat's favourite?
A: The Daily Mews.
Q: What did the big watch hand say to the little watch hand?
A: “Don't go away - I'll be back in an hour.”
Q: What do you call a telephone placed next to a window?
A: A sill phone.
Q: What do you call overactive underwear?
A: Hyper diaper.
Q: What is the easiest way to keep milk from turning sour?
A: Leave it in the cow.
Q: What do buffaloes celebrate every 200 years?
A: Their Bison-tennial.
Q: Why did the polygamist cross the aisle?
A: To get to the other bride.
Q: Did you hear about the slow deck of cards?
A: It just shuffled along.
Q: What bird is always in the kitchen?
A: A cook-oo.
Q: Why was the shoe shy?
A: It was tongue-tied.
Q: What does an angel grill at a picnic?
A: Wings.
Q: Why do vampires have a high divorce rate?
A: Things never work out when your love is in vein.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a meat-eating dinosaur and a giraffe?
A: Tyrannosaurus Necks.
Q: What do you get if you cross a rabbit's ears with a computer?
A: Floppy discs.
Q: How do you fix a broken pizza?
A: With tomato paste.
Q: Why did the chicken run away from home?
A: It was tired of being cooped up.
Q: Which part of a desk is an art teacher's favourite?
A: The draw-ers.
Q: Why did Dr. Jekyll go to the beach?
A: To tan his Hyde.
Q: What was the Doctor doing in the fridge?
A: Fixing a cold cut sandwich.
Q: What practical joe-ks do mathematicians play?
A: Arithmetricks.
Q: How does a farmer cut his grass?
A: With a lawn moo-er.
Q: What's red, sweet, and bites people?
A: A jampire.
Q: What do you get when you cross a suit with a howling monster?
A: A wash-and-werewolf.
Q: What do most people think about the centers of cherries?
A: They're the pits.
Q: What do you call a pig with good table manners?
A: Sick.
Q: What do you call a naughty monkey?
A: A badboon.
Q: How do you know when Little Johnny has been using your computer?
A: There are eraser marks on the screen.
Q: Why did the impatient dog see a dog psychiatrist?
A: He had a wait problem.
Q: What superheroine always messes things up?
A: Blunder Woman.
Q: Why did the shoe go to the Doctor?
A: He wanted to get heeled.
Q: Why did the little bird buy the big bird a greeting card?
A: For Feather's Day.
Q: What do parachute jumpers pack their gear in?
A: Air bags.
Q: What kind of cake do you get after a bad dinner?
A: A stomach-cake.
Q: Why did Daddy Watch leave work early?
A: He wanted to spend some quality time with his offspring.
Q: Which U.S. state is the tiniest?
A: Mini-sota.
Q: What do you get when a gymnast flips over a dandelion?
A: A tumbleweed.
Q: What do you call an eye with no sense of humour?
A: An eye-witless.
Q: What's a chiropractor's favourite snack?
A: Crackers.
Q: Which rabbit makes dress suits for men?
A: Peter Cottontailor.
Q: Why don't women become bald as soon as men?
A: Because they wear their hair longer.
Q: What did they give the cannibal who was late for dinner?
A: The cold shoulder.
A NAME="DinosaurHoliday">Q: Where does a dinosaur go for vacation?
A: To the dino-shore.
Q: What do you call a funny cat?
A: A witty kitty.
Q: What holds the moon up?
A: Moon beams.
Q: What happens when an onion tells a joe-k?
A: You laugh and cry at the same time.
Q: Why does a banana use suntan lotion?
A: So it won't peel.
Q: What happened when the centipede broke all his feet?
A: He didn't have a leg to stand on.
Q: What tests do magicians do best on?
A: Trick questions.
Q: What do you say to someone going on a photo safari in Africa?
A: “Drop me a lion.”
Q: Where do fish like to sleep?
A: In river beds.
Q: Which two animals are found in the alphabet?
A: Double ewe.
Q: What do you feed a pet frog?
A: Croakers and milk.
Q: What kind of car does Luke Skywalker drive?
A: A Toy-Yoda.
Q: What do you call a bear with no ears?
A: A b.
Q: What did the baby skunk want to be when it grew up?
A: A big stinker.
Q: Who cleans up after the wedding ceremony?
A: The maid of honour.
Q: What kind of tool do you use to fix a broken gorilla?
A: A monkey wrench.
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse quit his job?
A: He was tired of the rat race.
Q: What do you call spiders that just got married?
A: Newlywebs.
Q: Why do fish avoid the computer?
A: So they don't get caught in the Inter-net.
Q: What does the Jolly Green Giant use to eat his beans?
A: A forklift.
A NAME="LikesCamping">Q: What person likes camping more than anyone?
A: The Presi-tent.
Q: What do you call a parrot in a raincoat?
A: Polyunsaturated.
Q: What's the difference between a shiny dime and a dirty quarter?
A: 15 cents.
Q: What do you call a woman who checks punctuation?
A: Dot.
Q: What Bible character was named after a pig?
A: Abra-ham.
Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: Taller.
Q: What is the best advice to give a worm?
A: Sleep late.
Q: What do bakers read to their children at night?
A: Bread-time stories.
Q: What do you call a cannibal that eats his mother's sister?
A: An aunt eater.
Q: Where does an Eskimo keep his computer?
A: In a Gig-loo.
Q: What's underneath every robot?
A: A robot-tom.
Q: Where did the zookeeper sign his new contract?
A: On the dotted lion.
Q: What happened when the tire drove over a nail?
A: The nail knocked it flat.
Q: What do baseball catchers eat dinner from?
A: Home plate.
Q: How did the rake greet the hoe?
A: “Hi, hoe!”
Q: How does a computer programmer order in a restaurant?
A: From a pull-down menu.
Q: How do you get a paper baby?
A: Marry an old bag.
Q: How do you make a strawberry swirl?
A: Send it to ballet school.
Q: When should you charge your electric toothbrush?
A: When you can't pay cash.
Q: What would you get if you crossed the Lone Ranger with an insect?
A: The Masked-quito.
Q: What does a martial arts fan eat?
A: Kung food.
Q: What beauty contest did Venus, the Goddess of Love, win?
A: Myth Universe.
Q: What did the macaroni say to the tomato?
A: “Don't get saucy with me.”
Q: Why couldn't the duck get his medical degree?
A: He was a quack.
Q: What did one knife say to the other knife?
A: “Look sharp.”
Q: Who do birds marry?
A: Their tweethearts.
Q: What shoes are made for lazy people?
A: Loafers.
Q: Why couldn't the duck get his medical degree?
A: He was a quack.
Q: What is a shopper's favourite class?
A: Buy-ology.
Q: What has wings and solves
number problems?
A: A moth-ematician.
Q: Why did the sun get straight A's?
A: Because it was very bright.
Q: What do you call a small person who lives in a bottle?
A: A teeny genie.
Q: Do rubber bands lie?
A: No, they just stretch the truth.
Q: What fruit makes drinking easier?
A: The straw-berry.
Q: What did one pie say to the other pie?
A: “I think I've got a crust on you.”
Q: Why did the lightning bug go to the school nurse?
A: It had glowing pains.
Q: What's a good name for a molecule?
A: Adam.
Q: How do you find a cow in space?
A: Follow the Milky Way.
Q: What do colourful snakes take for a headache?
A: Asp-irin.
Q: What do rude people take for a headache?
A: Crass-pirin.
Q: What do fishermen take for a headache?
A: Bass-pirin.
Q: What do heavy smokers take for a headache?
A: Gasp-irin.
Q: What do cats take for a headache?
A: As-purr-in.
Q: Who jumps rope on a boat?
A: The skipper.
Q: What did the computer have for breakfast?
A: Spam and eggs.
Q: Why don't robots panic?
A: Because they have nerves of steel.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a porcupine and an alarm clock?
A: A stickler for punctuality.
Q: Why did the tennis coach give his team a lighter?
A: Because they kept losing their matches.
Q: What do salad makers do while they sleep?
A: Toss and turn.
Q: Why do fish go after worms?
A: Because they're hooked on them.
Q: What did Tennessee?
A: The same as Arkansas.
Q: What do you call a drama coach?
A: A speech teach.
Q: What position did the mouse serve in Parliament?
A: Squeaker of the House.
Q: What did the man say when he lost the fencing match?
A: “Foiled again.”
Q: Which monsters invented the airplane?
A: The Fright Brothers.
Q: What is a baseball player's musical instrument?
A: The base guitar.
Q: What animals did Little Johnny buy with a dollar?
A: Four quarter horses.
Q: What do you call a Scotsman with his own computer?
A: Mac.
Q: What animal do you look like when you're in the shower?
A: A little bear.
Q: How do farmers know when to grow hay?
A: They take a straw poll.
Q: Why is a lawyer like a crow?
A: Because he likes to have his cause heard.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: What fairy tale tells the story of an unattractive wonton that becomes beautiful?
A: The Ugly Dumpling.
Q: What do you call a rhino surrounded by lions?
A: Grey prey.
Q: In what month do girls talk the least?
A: February.
Q: What do acupuncture patients and bad wrestlers have in common?
A: Sooner or later, they both get pinned.
Q: What do you call a roll that's finished baking?
A: A done bun.
Q: What flowers are dangerous?
A: Vio-lents.
Q: Who fills cavities and gets into trouble?
A: Dentist the Menace.
Q: What did the judge say to his Dentist?
A: “Pull my tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”
Q: What do you call a happy fruit?
A: A merry cherry.
Q: What's a lightning bug's favourite game?
A: Glow 'n Tell.
Q: What do you call a hungry seagull?
A: A sea-gulp.
Q: Why do rodeo cowboys chew tobacco?
A: To sweeten their breath.
Q: What city has two of everything?
A: Pair-is.
Q: What stories are told on boats?
A: Ferry tales.
Q: What kind of cat food is popular in Tijuana?
A: Meow Mex.
Q: How do snakes eat so well with no hands?
A: They have forked tongues.
Q: What do you call a song you sing on a road trip?
A: A car tune.
Q: What do photographers and bats have in common?
A: They both hang out in dark rooms.
Q: Who wears tights and swings from the curtains?
A: The Draped Crusader.
Q: What did the worm say when it ate its way into the cucumber?
A: “I'm really in a pickle now!”
Q: When are potatoes good drivers?
A: When they keep their eyes peeled.
Q: What bears like to swim but can't fit into bathing suits?
A: Bare-a-cudas.
Q: How did the composer sneak into the opera house?
A: Through the Bach door.
Q: What flies, chirps, and sings religious songs?
A: A hymningbird.
Q: How does a mother Dalmation find her puppies?
A: She spots them.
Q: Why was the bull afraid of everything?
A: He was a cow-ard.
Q: What do you get when a blonde dyes her hair?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What colour is a burp?
A: Burple.
Q: What do you call an eager fruit?
A: Peachy keen.
Q: Why do cows have horns?
A: Because they're moo-sical.
Q: What is locomotion?
A: A crazy dance.
Q: What's a rodent's favourite carnival ride?
A: A ferret's wheel.
Q: Why do teachers take aspirin?
A: For detention headaches.
Q: What girl is between 12 and 20 years old?
A: Chris-teen.
Q: Where's the best place to have a good cry?
A: Under a weeping willow.
Q: How did the seaweed study?
A: By weeding books.
Q: What did the cow say to the bull in the car?
A: “I'll drive, you steer.”
Q: What do you say when you see Bugs Bunny taking a bath in your soup?
A: “Waiter, there's a hare in my soup.”
Q: Why did the truck driver stop on the highway to eat his salad?
A: He saw a fork in the road.
Q: Where is the best place to look for a helping hand?
A: At the end of your arm.
Q: What did King Arthur wear to bed?
A: A knight gown.
Q: What is the difference between a baseball player and a crazy pilot?
A: One bats flies, the other flies bats.
Q: What snake discovered the Pacific Ocean?
A: Balboa Constrictor.
Q: What kind of zoo makes the most annoying noises?
A: A ka-zoo.
Q: How does the Man in the Moon eat soup?
A: With a Big Dipper.
Q: What's the correct way to file an axe?
A: Under the letter 'A'.
Q: What do elephants take when they have insomnia?
A: Trunk-ulizers.
Q: What kind of ape lives in a gym?
A: A gympanzee.
Q: What does the army do with priests?
A: It sends them on secret missions.
Q: What was the Olympic athlete's problem?
A: Slipped discus.
Q: What's the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy?
A: One baits his hook while the other hates his book.
Q: What do movie stars build their houses with?
A: Holly-wood.
Q: What did one pile of sand say to the other pile of sand?
A: “Dune anything tonight?”
Q: What happens to a hamburger when it misses school?
A: It has a lot of ketchup time.
Q: What's a rattlesnake's favourite holiday?
A: Fangs-giving.
Q: What duet do police officers play on the piano?
A: Cop-sticks.
Q: How do you clean a sheep?
A: Give it a baa-th.
Q: Why was Little Miss Muffet upset?
A: She didn't get her whey.
Q: Did you hear about the two dirty bathtubs that got married?
A: It was a double-ring ceremony.
Q: What do you call a magician's assistant?
A: Trixie.
Q: Why did the Math teacher win the argument with the English teacher?
A: Because fractions speak louder than words.
Q: What's worse than a crocodile with a toothache?
A: A centipede with sore feet.
Q: What do comedians make sandwiches on?
A: Cornybread.
Q: Why did the golfer do so well in school?
A: He was the teacher's putt.
Q: What is the meanest farm animal?
A: The bullygoat.
Q: How do rabbits travel?
A: By hareplane.
Q: Why were the postman and the chimney sweep in court?
A: They were accused of blackmail.
Q: What is the tallest plant in France?
A: The Eiffel Flower.
Q: What do the police have to have before they can come into your home looking for parrots?
A: A perch warrant.
Q: What kind of car does Barbie drive?
A: A Toy-ota.
Q: What is pigskin mostly used for?
A: Holding pigs together.
Q: What did the baby birds do before the school football game?
A: They had a peep rally.
Q: What chickens rob people?
A: Peck-pockets.
Q: Which girl has a lot of change?
A: Penny.
Q: How do you fit more pigs onto a farm?
A: Build a sty-scraper.
Q: What do you call a bird that belongs to Noah?
A: An ark lark.
Q: Why won't the Joe-kster tell you the joe-k about the butter?
A: Because you would only spread it.
Q: What is the lion-taming act at the circus called?
A: The mane event.
Q: Who can knit while firing a machine gun?
A: Grambo.
Q: What's a duck's favourite TV rerun?
A: “I Love Goosey”
Q: What do you call the sun's back tooth?
A: A solar molar.
Q: How did the Vikings send secret messages?
A: By Norse code.
Q: Where can you find a cow's class picture?
A: In a steerbook.
Q: Where can you find a looking glass's class picture?
A: In a mirrorbook.
Q: Where can you find a fellow student's class picture?
A: In a peerbook.
Q: Where can you find a mechanic's class picture?
A: In a gearbook.
Q: Where can you find an ear's class picture?
A: In a hearbook.
Q: Where can you find Bambi's class picture?
A: In a deerbook.
Q: Where can you find a fortune teller's class picture?
A: In a seerbook.
Q: Where can you find a sad person's class picture?
A: In a tearbook.
Q: Where can your butt's class picture?
A: In a rearbook.
Q: Where can you find Frankentein's class picture?
A: In a fearbook.
Q: Where can you find a peeping Tom's class picture?
A: In a leerbook.
Q: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
A: Because he couldn't get his calves together.
Q: What do sneakers do when they're angry?
A: Stick their tongues out.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Roman Emperor with a pair of shears?
A: Julius Scissors.
Q: What do rich turtles wear?
A: People-necked sweaters.
Q: What happened when the omelet acted up in school?
A: It got eggs-pelled.
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.
Q: Who settles mysteries while making coffee?
A: Nancy Brew.
Q: Where do you take an injured bee?
A: To the waspital.
Q: Why is spaghetti smarter than a meatball?
A: Because it uses its noodle.
Q: What song do you sing while playing Nintendo?
A: “Mario We Roll Along.”
Q: What do you get if you cross a sports reporter with a vegetable?
A: A common tater.
Q: How do you know the frogs found the flies delicious?
A: They rated them 'two tongues up'.
Q: Why is the letter 'C' like a magician?
A: It can turn ash into cash.
Q: Why can't you take your dog to school?
A: It's a no barking zone.
Q: Why did the doughnut maker go bankrupt?
A: He couldn't get out of the hole.
Q: Why was the runner at third base so sad?
A: Because there's no place like home.
Q: What do you get when you cross a school janitor with a cheerleader?
A: A chore-leader.
Q: Why did the motorist put a rabbit in his gas tank?
A: He needed the car for short hops.
Q: Why did the girl take a pencil to bed?
A: To draw the curtains.
Q: Which subject is a mouse's favourite?
A: Lite-rat-ure.
Q: Why do lazy people bake bread?
A: Because they like to loaf.
Q: Why is a cow in the kitchen like a house on fire?
A: The sooner it's out the better.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, “Yo.”
Q: How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
A: Put lox on it.
Q: What do you get when you cross snoopy with a hornet?
A: A bee-gle.
Q: What do you call a man who keeps pet rabbits and writes epic novels?
A: Waren Peace.
Q: How did Noah get wrecked cars onto the ark?
A: Tow-by-tow.
Q: What is a truck driver's favourite food?
A: A big Mack.
Q: Why did the photographer quit his job?
A: He snapped.
Q: Why was the duck family sad?
A: Because they had a lot of bills.
Q: What part of your face is the biggest gossip?
A: Chattering teeth.
Q: What was the Invisible Man raised on?
A: Evaporated milk.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow and a camel?
A: Lumpy milkshake.
Q: What do you get when you cross a squid and a parrot?
A: A squawktopus.
Q: How can you walk through walls?
A: Use the door.
Q: What do you call a coloured contact lens?
A: An eye dye.
Q: How do pieces of bread in Paris celebrate?
A: They make French toast.
Q: Why don't sticks of dynamite like to race?
A: They always come in blast place.
Q: Why did Little Johnny call his son Calculator?
A: So he could count on him in the future.
Q: What do you call a pit bull without a hind end?
A: A bottomless pit.
Q: What do you use to cut the ocean?
A: A seasaw.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a mule?
A: Milk that has a kick to it.
Q: If there are two umbrellas and five people, how can they avoid getting wet?
A: By going inside.
Q: What do you get if you cross a rabbit with a wolf?
A: A harewolf.
Q: What do you call the noise made by the crowd at Wimbledon?
A: A tennis racket.
Q: Which dog was a great public speaker?
A: Spaniel Webster.
Q: Why don't nature lovers play badminton?
A: They don't want to hit the birdie.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snake with a kangaroo?
A: A jump rope.
Q: What do you get if you cross a gopher with a porcupine?
A: A leaky tunnel.
Q: Why did the seal cross the road?
A: To get to the otter side.
Q: What becomes of most love triangles?
A: They turn into wrecktangles.
Q: Why are families like a box of chocolates?
A: They're mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Q: Are horses good acrobats?
A: Yes - they can turn cartwheels.
Q: What do you call a thrifty computer on wheels?
A: A chip skate.
Q: How do birds exercise before they go to bed?
A: They do worm-ups.
Q: What do you call a twelve-inch hotdog?
A: A frankfooter.
Q: Why did the jury laugh at the lawyer?
A: He was showing them his briefs.
Q: What do you call a man who keeps pet rabbits?
A: Warren.
Q: What would you find in a computer cookie jar?
A: A chocolate chip.
Q: What do you call a tired tent?
A: A sleepy tepee.
Q: What instrument would a roof play in a school band?
A: A gui-tar.
Q: Why are eggs such losers?
A: Because they are always getting beaten.
Q: What did the composer do to improve on his tennis game?
A: He worked on his Bach-stroke.
Q: Why do elephants lie down?
A: Because they can't lie up.
Q: What do you call a bunch of planes that fly backwards?
A: A receding airline.
Q: What do you get when you cross a whale with a carpenter?
A: Moby Deck.
Q: What do you call Snow White's wicked stepmother?
A: A mean queen.
Q: What soup is fresh but still boring?
A: Chicken new-dull.
Q: Why did the Volkswagen go to the hospital?
A: It had a bug.
Q: Why is a dog's tail like the heart of a tree?
A: Because it's farthest from the bark.
Q: When does a potato change nationality?
A: When it's French-fried.
Q: Why did the photographer take pictures on windy days?
A: He wanted to shoot the breeze.
Q: Where does a cowboy borrow money?
A: From the loan arranger.
Q: What do you call popcorn kernels that don't pop?
A: Flop-corn.
Q: What natural disaster moves too fast to be seen clearly?
A: A blurricane.
Q: What do the British call an Eskimos' house if it doesn't have a toilet?
A: An ig.
Q: What did the Dentist recommend to his skinny patient?
A: To eat between brushing.
Q: How does
Little Johnny do bird impressions?
A: He eats worms.
Q: Where did Cinderella Spaghetti dream she was going?
A: To the Meat Ball.
Q: What was Noah's profession?
A: He was an arkitect.
Q: What does Mr. Spock perform at parties?
A: Magic treks.
Q: How do you stop your feet from falling asleep?
A: Wear loud socks.
Q: What's red and flies and wobbles at the same time?
A: A jellocopter.
Q: How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
Q: What do you call the top of a doghouse?
A: The woof.
Q: How does the sky listen to music?
A: Through the cloud-speaker.
Q: What do you get if you cross an owl with a skunk?
A: A bird that smells and doesn't give a hoot.
Q: What did the elephant say when it sat on the box of cookies?
A: “That's the way the cookie crumbles.”
Q: Why was the polar bear upset with her test grade?
A: It was only 20 below zero.
Q: Where does a daffodil hear its favourite music?
A: On a bloom box.
Q: Why did the python need a vacation?
A: He needed to unwind.
Q: What did the Martian say when he landed in the flower bed?
A: “Take me to your weeder.”
Q: Why did Little Johnny make a paper boat out of his report card?
A: He wanted to sail the seven C's.
Q: What do you get when two strawberries meet?
A: A strawberry shake.
Q: What do you call a Shakespearian actor who eats garlic?
A: Macbreath.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a comedian and a frog?
A: A practical croaker.
Q: What do you call the rubber disk in a waterfowl's hockey game?
A: A duck puck.
Q: What do lambs do if they can't fly?
A: Go by spacesheep.
Q: What is a dog's favourite food?
A: Anything that's on your plate.
Q: Why do dragons make bad bosses?
A: Because they fire everybody.
Q: What do you get if you cross a tangerine and a lion?
A: An orange that nobody picks on.
Q: What does a mermaid take to stay healthy?
A: Vitamin sea.
Q: How does a fire-eater like his steaks?
A: Flame broiled.
Q: What soda do frogs like best?
A: Cherry croak.
Q: What did the man say when his dog got hit by a train?
A: Doggone.
Q: What do you call a wrench belonging to a toad?
A: A toad's tool.
Q: What's the sign of a great seafood restaurant?
A: Their catch of the day is fish sticks.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a fuzzy yellow bear with a virus?
A: Winnie the Flu.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a vampire with an Avon lady?
A: Whatever it is, when it rings the doorbell, don't answer it!
Q: Who is the coldest relative on earth?
A: Aunt Arctica.
Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married?
A: Newlywebs.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a comedian with a boxer?
A: A comic who knocks you out with his punch line.
Q: Why did the vegetable quit its job?
A: The benefits were good, but the celery wasn't.
Q: What did the golf ball say to the golf club?
A: “You drive me wild!”
Q: What does the term 'extinct' mean?
A: A dead skunk.
Q: What do you call a train that puts money under your pillow?
A: A toot fairy.
Q: Why was the insect kicked out of the national park?
A: Because it was a litterbug.
Q: What did the pastor say when he took a shower?
A: “Let us spray.”
Q: What's a gymnast's favourite movie?
A: Backbend to the Future.
Q: What happened to the guy who quit smoking cold turkey?
A: He's still coughing up the feathers.
Q: What does a deer use to carry her books?
A: A buck-pack.
Q: What does a student need to pass auto shop?
A: Good motor skills.
Q: What's the name of a really strict female teacher?
A: Miss Laura Norder.
Q: What animal shouldn't you invite to a parade?
A: A Rain-deer.
Q: What's the best way to get in touch with your Mom?
A: Beep-er.
Q: What is an executive's favourite sport?
A: Boss-ball.
Q: Why did the janitor get fired?
A: He got caught sweeping on the job.
Q: What do famous wolves become members of?
A: The Howl of Fame.
Q: Who married Mr. and Mrs. Green Giant?
A: The justice of the peas.
Q: Why is a baseball game like a pancake?
A: Its success depends on the batter.
Q: What happened when the scientist fell into the lens grinding machine?
A: He made a spectacle of himself.
Q: What do squirrels eat on their birthdays?
A: Do-nuts.
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: On Sun-day.
Q: What do you call a giant fish that climbs the Empire State Building?
A: King Cod.
Q: Why didn't the crooked tailor go to jail?
A: He mended his ways.
Q: What do you call a hole that has been filled in?
A: A not hole.
Q: How does an astronaut read in bed?
A: He flicks on a satellight.
Q: What do you say to a chicken before a performance?
A:“Break an egg.”
Q: Why did the weatherman bring a bar of soap to work?
A: He was predicting showers.
Q: What's big, cold, and directs movies?
A: Stephen Iceberg.
Q: Why don't ducks enjoy the desert?
A: They're afraid of quacksand.
Q: What's a crick?
A: The noise made by a Japanese camera.
Q: How is a rubber band like an alligator?
A: If you pull it too hard, it snaps.
Q: Why did the doughnut go to the dentist?
A: Because it needed a chocolate filling.
Q: What school game can you play by yourself?
A: Hookey.
Q: What do you call a young coal digger?
A: A minor miner.
Q: What are the sneakiest plants?
A: Creeping vines.
Q: What is the sickest part of a house?
A: The flue.
Q: If you're facing east, what would be on your right hand?
A: Fingers.
Q: What is a basketball player's salary based on?
A: His net worth.
Q: How do horses wear their hair in the summer?
A: In pony tails.
Q: What's purple and 5,000 miles long?
A: The Grape Wall of China.
Q: What do you call a sick alligator?
A: An illigator.
Q: What do you call someone who doesn't use a handkerchief?
A: Greensleeves.
Q: What do you call a fish that goes to school?
A: A class bass.
Q: What would you get if you crossed the Pillsbury doughboy with a lumberjack?
A: Bread sticks.
Q: Why couldn't the banker ride a bike?
A: Because he lost his balance.
Q: Who was the toughest newscaster?
A: Walter Concrete.
Q: Where does the British government keep its teacups?
A: In the Cabinet.
Q: Why did the cheetah take her cub to the eye doctor?
A: He was seeing spots.
Q: What do friends share during a sad love story?
A: Glum drops.
Q: Why did Mozart keep hitting his head on the piano?
A: He was playing by ear.
Q: What do you call an all-police orchestra in a large Massachusetts city?
A: The Boston Cops.
If a train station is where trains stop, what is a work station?
Q: What does a cat like to eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Crispies.
Q: What's the best day to have a barbeque?
A: On Fry-day.
Q: How can you tell if a dessert is really delicious?
A: You'll get two yums up.
Q: What do health-conscious cannibals put in their stir-fry?
A: Toe-fu.
Q: What does the Joe-kster wear under his pants?
A: Pun-derwear.
Q: What has four legs and says, “Boo”?
A: A cow with swine flu.
Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show.
Q: What's the name of Stevie Wonder's favourite book?
A: Around the Block in 80 Days.
Q: What country has the largest population of male deer?
A: Stag-nation.
Q: What were the names of the very first teachers?
A: Miss and Sir.
Q: What's salty and feels good on a sunburn?
A: The Pacific Lotion.
Q: What job did the frog take in the resort hotel?
A: Bell hop.
Q: Where do shellfish sleep on cruise ships?
A: In their crab-ins.
Q: What kind of whales do you find off the coast of Scotland?
A: Kilter whales.
Q: What kind of dog plays in a band?
A: Rocker spaniels.
Q: What has six legs, bites, and talks in code?
A: A Morse-quito.
Q: What is another name for a magician's wand?
A: A trick stick.
Q: What's a good name for a fruit?
A: Barry.
Q: Where is a good place to live for a locksmith?
A: In the Florida Keys.
Q: What do you call a fruit that keeps bumping into trees?
A: A blind date.
Q: What do cows put on their hot dogs?
A: Moo-stard.
Q: What do you get if you cross an explorer with a cat?
A: Christopher Columpuss.
Q: Where do computers go on Saturday night?
A: To the Disk-o.
Q: What do prize fighters wear to bed?
A: Boxers.
Q: What is a can's favourite sport?
A: Tin-nis.
Q: What do you call a prisoner's pet budgie?
A: A jailbird.
Q: What did the bee say after a long trip away from his house?
A: “Honey, I'm home.”
Q: Where did the hand like to eat?
A: At a fist-food restaurant.
Q: What did the chef name his son?
A: Stew.
Q: How did the basketball court get wet?
A: The players dribbled all over it.
Q: Which part of your eye goes to school?
A: The pupil.
Q: What does a mechanic watch for entertainment?
A: Jumper cable TV.
Q: What kind of pig goes “knio-knio”?
A: One that talks backwards.
Q: How many substitute teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they just leave it dark and show a movie.
Q: Are bugs afraid of policemen?
A: Only if they're members of a SWAT team.
Q: What did the car say to the bridge?
A: “You make me cross!”
Q: What do Doctors give elephants to calm them down?
A: Trunk-quilizers.
Q: Which garden insects are always polite?
A: Lady bugs.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a midget and a computer?
A: A short circuit.
Q: Did you hear about the school for junior liars?
A: They have double-crossing guards.
Q: What does a T. Rex do when it sleeps?
A: It Dino-snores.
Q: Why did the jogger get a ticket?
A: He ran a stop sign.
Q: What type of crackers do firefighters like in their soup?
A: Firecrackers.
Q: Where do monsters go to college?
A: Goon-iversities.
Q: How do you prevent a summer cold?
A: Catch it in the winter.
Q: What is a tongue's favourite food?
A: Gar-lick.
Q: What is a sheepherder's motto?
A: Shear and shear alike.
Q: What game do banks play?
A: Check-ers.
Q: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?
A: They're both full of stuffing.
Q: What do you win at the Arctic Olympics?
A: Cold medals.
Q: What do trapeze artists sing in the shower?
A: Swing.
Q: What do hockey players listen to?
A: Anything on a com-puck disc player.
Q: What do you call an air conditioner that prefers to be by itself?
A: An or-phan.
Q: What did the Doctor use to fix a broken heart?
A: Ticker tape.
Q: What do you call the biggest ant in the world?
A: An eleph-ant.
Q: What is the worst tasting drink of the day?
A: Nas-tea.
Q: What do you call a beach?
A: Sand land.
Q: How do you catch baby frogs?
A: With a tadpole.
Q: How does seaweed move?
A: With a little kelp from its friends.
Q: What fish did knights eat?
A: Swordfish.
Q: What did the ship say to the pier?
A: “What's up, dock?”
Q: What do you call a house in France with two toilets?
A: Toulouse.
Q: How does a European mountain call for assistance?
A: “Alp, Alp!”
Q: What country eats the most fried food?
A: Greece.
Q: Why aren't moles welcome in banks?
A: Because they burrow too much.
Q: What do geese get when they eat too much chocolate?
A: Goose pimples.
Q: What do you get when you cross a sprinter with a comedian?
A: A running joe-k.
Q: What do tired & sleepy New Yorkers knit with?
A: Yawn.
Q: What's the best kind of letter to read on a hot day?
A: Fan mail.
Q: Where do sick fairies go?
A: To the elf centre.
Q: What kind of jeans show the most affection?
A: Hip Huggers.
Q: Where do baby cows go to eat lunch?
A: To the calf-a-teria.
Q: What did one fraction say to the other?
A: “Half a nice day.”
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a seagull?
A: A bird that makes a mess on your head and then says sorry.
Q: Why couldn't O go to the game?
A: It was too busy minding its Ps and Qs.
Q: What's yellow and white, and throws itself off the edge of the dining table?
A: A lemming meringue.
Q: What did the mouse say to the camera?
A: “Cheese!”
Q: What kind of dog did Noah have?
A: A floodhound.
Q: What happens when a frog is double-parked on a lily pad?
A: It's toad away.
Q: What characterizes a grandfather clock?
A: His time is running out.
Q: What do you get when you cross a supersonic jet with a hamburger?
A: Very fast food.
Q: How can you tell if a hotel is very exclusive?
A: Room service has an unlisted number.
Q: What do you get when you cross an owl and a goat?
A: A hootenanny.
Q: Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't find a date.
Q: What bell is used for flooring?
A: Mar-bell.
Q: Why don't koalas wear shoes?
A: They like walking in bear feet.
Q: What do you call cleaning your room?
A: A chore bore.
Q: How did the frog feel after his sixth cup of coffee?
A: A little jumpy.
Q: What do you get when you cross a library and an elf?
A: A shhhh-elf.
Q: What counterfeiters were active during the American Revolution?
A: Valley Forgers.
Q: Where do horses stay in a hotel?
A: In the bridle suite.
Q: What does a Doctor do with a sick zeppelin?
A: He tries to helium.
Q: What do you get if you cross an owl with an oyster?
A: An animal that drops pearls of wisdom.
Q: What is a plumber's favourite movie?
A: 20,000 Leaks Under the Sea.
Q: Where do horses stay in a hotel?
A: In the bridle suite.
Q: What do boxers like to drink?
A: Fruit punch.
Q: What happened to the retired bartender?
A: He's no longer behind bars.
Q: What do you get when you cross an ATM with a dairy farm?
A: Lots of cash cows.
Q: Who did ancient nerds worship?
A: Geek gods and goddesses.
Q: What's green and bouncy?
A: A spring onion.
Q: What kind of bugs love the snow?
A: Mo-ski-tos.
Q: Why did the farmer take his chickens to the vet?
A: It was time for their rooster shots.
Q: What type of lettuce did they serve on the Titanic?
A: Iceberg.
Q: Why was the baseball player at the store?
A: For a sales pitch.
Q: Who makes mistakes faster than a speeding bullet?
A: Blooperman.
Q: Who says “Buenos Dias” and scratches a lot?
A: A Span-itch teacher.
Q: What do clams do when it rains at the beach?
A: They seek shell-ter.
Q: Why did the plumber go to court?
A: He was being sue-aged.
Q: Who invented the telephone?
A: The Phoen-icians.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why did the chauffer do so well in school?
A: He had a lot of drive.
Q: How do you scramble eggs?
A: G-e-s-g.
Q: What do you call cheese that's tastier than all the others?
A: Better cheddar.
Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A:“Dam!”
Q: What's a cannibal's favourite food?
A: Baked beings.
Q: If all your clothes were stolen, what would you go home in?
A: The dark.
Q: How did the music teacher fix a broken horn?
A: With a tuba glue.
Q: What's best to write with?
A: It de-pens.
Q: What does an octopus wear?
A: A coat of arms.
Q: What do you call a top scholar?
A: A main brain.
Q: Why did Thomas Edison have a good sense of humour?
A: He made light of everything.
Q: Which veggie/fruit has feet?
A: Pota-toes and Toma-toes.
Q: Which food likes math?
A: Sal-add.
Q: Why did the student drop out of his computer class?
A: He was key-bored.
Q: What dog is the best swimmer?
A: A lap dog.
Q: How did the toupee get started in the movies?
A: He got a small part.
Q: What do you get when you cross Moby Dick and a Timex?
A: A whale watch-er.
Q: What do you call a camel with no humps?
A: Hump free.
Q: What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A: A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird.
Q: Why did the queen bee get tired of all the other bees?
A: Because they kept droning on and on.
Q: What do boxers take to keep healthy?
A: Fight-amins.
Q: Why did the corn farmer buy a parrot?
A: He wanted a pet who could talk his ears off.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: At the North Poll.
Q: What kind of karate moves do sheep use?
A: Lamb chops.
Q: What does farmer duck drive?
A: A quack-tor.
Q: What do you call 20 rabbits moving backwards?
A: A receding hare line.
Q: What's an oyster's favourite food?
A: Sand-wiches.
Q: Why did Bubba & his girlfriend want to get married in the bathtub?
A: They wanted a double-ring ceremony.
Q: What's a Peeping Tom's favourite game?
A: Hide 'n Peek.
Q: What's big, hairy, and has a pen between his toes?
A: Bic-foot.
Q: What's a cookbook publisher's slogan?
A: We'll show you some dish respect.
Q: What did the cat say when he played leapfrog with a porcupine?
A:“Ouch!”
Q: Who was the fastest magician that ever lived?
A: Hurry Houdini.
Q: What does a chicken use to blow its nose?
A: Kleen-eggs.
Q: What did the biscuit say when it got run over?
A:“Oh, crumbs.”
Q: How did the Doctor finally cure Little Johnny of seeing spots?
A: He took away his dominoes.
Q: What's your ideal weight?
A: Five to ten minutes. Then I leave.
Q: What banker snitches on his friends?
A: A tattle-teller.
Q: What do you do when the road has a headache?
A: Ride on the shoulder.
Q: Why was the cow such a good comedian?
A: She was udderly ridiculous.
Q: What goes, “putt, putt, putt, putt”?
A: A bad golfer.
Q: What did the man put on his car when the weather was cold?
A: An extra muffler.
Q: What's another name for parrot food?
A: Pollyfilla.
Q: What do sunbathers eat for breakfast?
A: Toast and eggs, sunny-side up.
Q: Why did Captain Hook cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: What do cowboys put on their pancakes?
A: Maple stirrup.
Q: How tough is a carpenter?
A: Tough as nails.
Q: Where do hummingbirds like to shop?
A: At Hum Depot.
Q: What's a Jedi's favourite musical instrument?
A: The Luk-ulele.
Q: Why did the goat get kicked out of class?
A: He was kidding around.
Q: Why didn't the young cat get into trouble for telling lies?
A: He was only kitten.
Q: How can you tell if an apple is organic?
A: Look for a healthy worm.
Q: Why did the army official go to into the hospital?
A: For major surgery.
Q: What washes up on small beaches?
A: Micro-waves.
Q: Why did Little Johnny put ice cubes in his Dad's tub?
A: Because he likes cold pop.
Q: What notorious criminal gives bad haircuts?
A: Jack the Snipper.
Q: How does a flea make a cake?
A: From scratch.
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?
A: “Odour in the court!”
Q: What tree owns a chocolate factory?
A: Willow Wonka.
Q: Where do fibbers get their books?
A: At the lie-brary.
Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
A: Mandy Lifeboats.
Q: Why is it so hard to drive a golf ball?
A: Because it doesn't have a steering wheel.
Q: Who got to the beach first - the big wave or the little wave?
A: In the end, they were tide.
Q: How did the teacher get into an accident?
A: She was grading papers on a curve.
Q: What do you call an archeologist's dog?
A: Digger.
Q: What illness do Chinese chefs fear the most?
A: Woking pneumonia.
Q: What sourpuss watches TV all the time?
A: A grouch potato.
Q: How did the dodo bird do in school?
A: He graduated with extinction.
Q: What is the most famous skunk statue in Egypt?
A: The Stinx.
Q: What pirate got into trouble for not going to school?
A: Captain Hooky.
Q: What tiny kitten writes songs?
A: An itty bitty ditty kitty.
Q: What did the digital clock say to its mother?
A: “Look, Ma - no hands!”
Q: Why did the basketball player snack on cookies and milk?
A: He liked to dunk.
Q: Why are fishermen like mad dogs?
A: They always want a bite.
Q: Why did the duck lose its job?
A: His company was down-sized.
Q: What do you call a joe-k about Atilla?
A: A hun pun.
Q: What do you recommend for a bad case of dandruff?
A: A hat.
Q: What beans do alligators eat for breakfast?
A: Human beans.
Q: How was the carnival?
A: Fair.
Q: Who slept in a traffic jam for 100 years?
A: Beeping Beauty.
Q: What's the heaviest noodle in the world?
A: A won-ton noodle.
Q: What did the art teacher say during the duel?
A: “Draw!”
Q: What do you get if you cross a road without looking?
A: Run over.
Q: How do you make pies sneaky?
A: Add an 's' and turn them into spies.
Q: Why was the ocean so quiet?
A: It didn't have much to spray.
Q: Why do distant stars pass out?
A: They're very faint.
Q: How long should Doctors practice medicine?
A: Until they get it right.
Q: Where were planes first mentioned in the Bible?
A: The plains of Abraham.
Q: Why do bees hum?
A: Because they've forgotten the words.
Q: Why did the pony think it could fly?
A: Because it saw the horsefly.
Q: Who runs the school and is also your best friend?
A: The princi-pal.
Q: What is a golfer's favourite drink?
A: Iced tee.
Q: Why did
Little Johnny take scuba diving lessons online?
A: He wanted to surf the internet.
Q: What vegetable do snakes like?
A: Asp-aragus.
Q: What do you call a very dangerous cake?
A: Atilla the Bun.
Q: What kind of music is painful?
A: Rhythm and bruise.
Q: Where did the camera take his date?
A: To a film.
Q: What person delivers mail for cats?
A: A litter carrier.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a salmon with a tadpole?
A: A frog that swims upstream before it croaks.
Q: What brand of crayon sobs at the drop of a hat?
A: Cry-ola.
Q: What's a choir leader's favourite lunch?
A: A hum sandwich.
Q: When do wolves howl the most?
A: On Moon-day.
Q: How do you make a strawberry shake?
A: Take it to a horror movie.
Q: What paper is most like a sneeze?
A: Tissue.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a small person from Middle earth?
A: A hoppit.
Q: Where is the Red Sea?
A: On the third line of Little Johnny's report card.
Q: What do you get when you leave tangerines out in the sun?
A: Orange-u-tans.
Q: Why did the pencil go to the school nurse?
A: It had lead lice.
Q: What do you get if you cross a fish with a soldier?
A: An aquamarine.
Q: How do you cheer on a basketball player?
A: “Hoop, Hoop, Hooray!”
Q: If King Kong were attacked by an army, how would he fight back?
A: With gorilla warfare.
Q: What do you call a sea lion when it claps its flippers?
A: A seal of approval.
Q: Where do you find more in sorrow than in anger?
A: The letter 'R'.
Q: What rat likes to eat dessert?
A: Pie-rats.
Q: What vegetable can be found on a door?
A: Far-lock.
Q: Why did the brush get grounded?
A: Because she didn't comb home by her curfew.
Q: What store has the most agreeable salespeople?
A: O.K.-Mart.
Q: What part of a car gets around the most?
A: The seatbelt.
Q: What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman?
A: “Have an ice day.”
Q: What does a policeman like on his toast?
A: Traffic jam.
Q: What does a cow wear in Hawaii?
A: A moo-moo.
Q: Who sang and slept for 20 years?
A: Rap Van Winkle.
Q: How do you fire teachers?
A: Tell them they're dismissed.
Q: Why did Little Johnny drink a gallon water before every meal?
A: So he could whet his appetite.
Q: Where in England can you get new body organs?
A: Liverpool.
Q: What bird is the most enthusiastic?
A: The raven.
Q: Name two ranges.
A: Gas and electric.
Q: What award do singing grandmothers get?
A: Grammies.
Q: What is an optometrist's favourite drink?
A: Dr. Peeper.
Q: What did the lonely fog say to the lonely beach?
A: “I mist you.”
Q: What would you be if you crossed a fruit with a dog?
A: Melon-collie.
Q: Where did the Egyptians bury magicians?
A: In disa-pyramids.
Q: How do rappers greet each other in Switzerland?
A: They yo-del.
Q: What cool-sounding food makes your tongue hot?
A: Chili.
Q: What did one volcano say to the other?
A: “I lava you!”
Q: What shark can help you build a house?
A: A hammerhead shark.
Q: Who helped the cow go to the ball?
A: Its dairy godmother.
Q: What do you get when you cross a zebra with the king of the apes?
A: Tarzan stripes forever.
Q: What part of London is in France?
A: The letter 'N'.
Q: How did the leper get into a car accident?
A: He left his foot on the gas pedal.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Q: What do cats give each other on Valentine's Day?
A: Chocolate mouse.
Q: What is a skunk's favourite part of school?
A: Show and smell.
Q: What do you call a spaceman who is invisible?
A: An astro-naught.
Q: What do you call a whale that talks too much?
A: A blubbermouth.
Q: What city cheats at exams?
A: Peking.
Q: Who invented the grandfather clock?
A: Pendulum Franklin.
Q: How much sleep should a person get?
A: At least eight hours of sleep a day, and even more at night.
Q: Which is the strongest day of the week?
A: Sunday because all the others are weak days.
Q: How does a swimmer get to school?
A: In a pool car.
Q: What do you call a gross mallard?
A: A yucky ducky.
Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who fell in the leaves?
A: He was accused of rustling.
Q: What do you call the Loch Ness monster?
A: A lake snake.
Q: What do you call a nun with a radio on her head?
A: A transister.
Q: What's the difference between a man and a running dog?
A: One wears trousers, the other pants.
Q: What do you call a stupid garbage container?
A: A
dubm-ster.
Q: What do you call it when many apes get together?
A: A Kong-vention.
Q: What do you call small change that can't go to the bathroom?
A: Coin-stipated.
Q: Why did the restaurant owner have a tough time getting his website running?
A: He didn't have a good server.
Q: What did one car muffler say to the other car muffler?
A: “I'm exhausted!”
Q: What do you call it when many apes get together?
A: A Kong-vention.
Q: What do you get when you cross a tug boat with Homer's wife?
A: Barge Simpson.
Q: Why did the racecar driver jump into the pool?
A: He wanted to put in a few laps.
Q: What do you call a cat that floats in water?
A: A bobcat.
Q: How can you stop fish going bad on Monday?
A: Eat it on Sunday.
Q: How did the grizzly get lost?
A: It lost its bear-ings.
Q: What's very tall and goes 'tnaig drawkcaba'?
A: A giant talking backwards.
Q: What's the best thing to do when you're run over by a steamroller?
A: Stay flat on your back.
Q: What do you get when you cross a math teacher with a tennis player?
A: A numbers racquet.
Q: What game does an astronaut like to play?
A: Moon-opoly.
Q: What's a lion's favourite US state?
A: Maine.
Q: Why did the sun go black in the middle of the day?
A: It ran out of gas.
Q: What do frogs spread on their toast?
A: Butter-flies.
Q: Why were the football players hot after the Super Bowl game?
A: Because all the fans left.
Q: What do you call stupid flowers that grow in a pond?
A: Water sillies.
Q: What should you name a bald teddy?
A: Fred bear.
Q: What did the small kid say to the big kid?
A: “I've always looked up to you.”
Q: What is the noisiest US state?
A: Illinoise.
Q: What do you call a team of monkeys that wins a big game?
A: Chimp-ions.
Q: Why couldn't the light finish its homework?
A: It was burned out.
Q: What did the fisherman wear when he went fishing?
A: A bait-ing suit.
Q: What happens to cats when they get out of prison?
A: They go on purr-ole.
Q: What do you get when you cross a roller coaster with a rabbit?
A: A lot of hare-pin turns.
Q: What does the number 1004180 mean?
A: I owe nothing, for I ate nothing.
Q: What do you call a crab that gossips?
A: A blabby crabby.
Q: What did the baby corn say to Ma Corn?
A: “Where's Pop Corn?”
Q: What do you get if you cross a tree with a fruit?
A: A pine-apple.
Q: What do you call a group of detectives?
A: A clue crew.
Q: What is a foot's favourite food?
A: Pota-toes.
Q: What do you get when you cross a serpent and a trombone?
A: A snake in the brass.
Q: What do you give a cowboy with a cold?
A: Cough stirrup.
Q: How do sheep go to sleep?
A: They count people.
Q: How can you tell when a train is gone?
A: It leaves its tracks behind.
Q: Why did knights in armor practice a lot?
A: To stop them from getting rusty.
Q: What do you call three oaks that sing together?
A: A tree-o.
Q: Where do you go if you get sick over the rainbow?
A: To the Oz-pital.
Q: What do you call a sheep with fangs?
A: A lamb-pire.
Q: What sea creature has to have a good reason for doing anything?
A: A porpoise.
Q: What do you call a teacher who eats toffee in class?
A: A chew-tor.
Q: What did Bullwinkle's beautiful sister win?
A: Moose Universe.
Q: What kind of killer uses a spoon?
A: A cereal killer.
Q: What do you call an overweight pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.
Q: What did the squirrel say to his girlfriend?
A: “I'm nuts about you!”
Q: What did the girl squirrel answer back?
A: “You're nuts so bad yourself.”
Q: What's a plumber's favourite vegetable?
A: Leeks.
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a telephone?
A: A golden receiver.
Q: How do chickens start a race?
A: From scratch.
Q: What's a nerd's favourite game?
A: Hide 'n Geek.
Q: What do you get when a bunch of grapes tries to cross a highway?
A: A traffic jam.
Q: Why did Little Johnny quit his job at the eraser factory?
A: His work rubbed him the wrong way.
Q: How do cattle stay in shape?
A: They exercise on a steer climber.
Q: What did the frog say when it saw a fly in its soup?
A: “Is that all I get?”
Q: Why was the tuna sad when he lost his wife?
A: He lobster, and then couldn't flounder.
Q: How do you spell “blind pig” with two letters?
A: Pg (without an eye).
Q: What did the monster say after the evil scientist cloned him?
A: Nothing - he was beside himself.
Q: What magazine do cats like to read?
A: Good Mousekeeping.
Q: What do you get when you saw a comedian in two?
A: A half wit.
Q: How do you get off the phone with a closet?
A: You hang up.
Q: What do you call a fat parrot?
A: Roly Polly.
Q: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
A: Don't bite any.
Q: What's a horse's motto?
A: You get what you neigh for.
Q: What books do owls read?
A: Hoot-dunits.
Q: What do you give a dog that loves computers?
A: Doggy diskettes.
Q: Why did the elk buy a set of weights?
A: To help build his moose-els.
Q: A butcher is 6 feet tall. What does he weigh?
A: Meat.
Q: What disease do cows get?
A: Moo-laria.
Q: Why didn't the man buy an electric toothbrush?
A: Because he didn't have any electric teeth.
Q: What did the tree deposit in the bank?
A: Its leaf savings.
Q: Why did the mad chef throw the chicken off the balcony?
A: Because he wanted to make egg drop soup.
Q: What did the vampire clerk shout to the people in the checkout line?
A: “Okay, whose necks?”
Q: Why are bakers' kids so bored?
A: Because they have muffin to do.
Q: What do joggers say when they leave you?
A: “So long - gotta run.”
Q: What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A: A zebra.
Q: Where do giant condors come from?
A: Eggs.
Q: What does a cat go to sleep on?
A: A catterpillow.
Q: What's a pig's favourite relative?
A: Its oinkle.
Q: Who makes a fish's dreams come true?
A: The fairy cod-mother.
Q: What did Aesop watch for entertainment?
A: Fable TV.
Q: Where do sick horses go?
A: To a horspital.
Q: Which branch of the service do werewolves join?
A: The Hair Force.
Q: How do you see King Arthur after it gets dark?
A: With a Knight light.
Q: Which nasty bug is a famous pirate?
A: Long John Silverfish.
Q: What's a dog's favourite soup?
A: Chicken poodle.
Q: What did the shirt say to the pants?
A: “Meet me at the clothesline - that's where I hang out.”
Q: Why did the the river bend?
A: Because it saw the waterfall.
Q: What kind of shot do you give a sick car?
A: A fuel injection.
Q: What do frogs do with paper?
A: Rip-it.
Q: What type of wiener do you eat in winter?
A: A cold dog.
Q: Why did the owl make everyone laugh?
A: Because he was a hoot.
Q: What do you get if you cross a jaguar and an elephant?
A: A sports car with a big trunk.
Q: What happens when a boy goat meets a girl goat?
A: It's the start of a butting romance.
Q: If you have trouble sleeping at night what should you do?
A: Sleep during the day.
Q: What does a reptile wear on its feet?
A: Snakers.
Q: What's a matador's favourite sport?
A: Basketbull.
Q: What instrument can you play even if you can't play music?
A: You can always blow your own horn.
Q: What did one shoelace say to the other shoelace?
A: “That's knot mine.”
Q: How do you make fruit punch?
A: Give it boxing lessons.
Q: Why did the angel lose his job?
A: He had harp failure.
Q: Who swings from cake to cake?
A: Tarzipan.
Q: What do you call a leopard that never takes a bath?
A: The Stink Panther.
Q: What did one bicycle wheel say to the other?
A: “Was it you who spoke?”
Q: What time is it when a Chinese man visits the dentist?
A: Tooth hurty.
Q: What kind of story does a gravedigger like?
A: One with a cemetery plot.
Q: What are baby crabs called?
A: Nippers.
Q: What colourful clown appears in the sky after a storm?
A: Rainbozo.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowboard with an axe?
A: The splits.
Q: Why did the candy factory hire the farmer's daughter?
A: They needed someone to milk chocolates.
Q: How many ears do Trekkies have?
A: Three: a left ear, a right ear, and the final frontier.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rocket ship with a potato?
A: Spudnik.
Q: What do you call an expert at fixing doorbells?
A: The Lord of the Rings.
Q: What do you call twin brothers with GPS units on their heads?
A: Tom, Tom.
Q: What is the last thing a trapeze flyer wants to be?
A: The fall guy.
Q: What do you call a dead tractor collector?
A: An ex-tractor fan.
Q: How does a guinea pig get up to the second floor?
A: It uses the ham-stairs.
Q: Where do eagles do most of their shopping?
A: At the swooper market.
Q: What dish is out of this world?
A: A flying saucer.
Q: What is a private eye's favourite subject?
A: Spience.
Q: How do you make mice smell nice?
A: Use mousewash.
Q: What do you call a fast tricycle?
A: A tot rod.
Q: What game do horses play?
A: Stable tennis.
Q: What got the wall in trouble?
A: Being plastered.
Q: What do you get when you cross a squid and a pig?
A: An oinktopus.
Q: What did the newspaper reporter say to defend his strong views?
A: “Hey, I column as I sees 'em!”
Q: What's a caterpillar?
A: A worm that's rich enough to buy a fur coat.
Q: Where do they send homeless dogs?
A: To an arf-anage.
Q: Why did Little Johnny blow into a bunch of faucets?
A: He was trying to play taps.
Q: Which composer can't you find?
A: Haydn.
Q: How do you get two fruits to dance?
A: You pear them up.
Q: Why did Little Johnny bury his boom box?
A: Because the batteries were dead.
Q: What do you call the explorer who was caught and eaten by cannibals?
A: Captain Cooked.
Q: Where does a snowman put his birthday candles?
A: On his birthday flake.
Q: Why did the blonde put bandages on her bedroom window?
A: She was told the window had pains.
Q: How do you know that you're at the top of your class?
A: When you're climbing rope in phys ed.
Q: Which super-cool spy cleans up after a snowstorm?
A: Austin Plowers.
Q: What's the best way to paint the ocean?
A: In watercolours.
Q: How do shells get to the beach?
A: They take the shellevator.
Q: What do you call a Doctor who works on the highway?
A: A by-pass specialist.
Q: What happened when Peter Rabbit was chased out of Mr. McGregor's garden?
A: He didn't carrot all.
Q: What country makes you shiver?
A: Chile.
Q: How do sheep finish their letters?
A: “Ewes sincerely.”
Q: Did you hear about the slow composer?
A: He ended up behind bars.
Q: What tree is always sad?
A: The weeping willow.
Q: What is round, sad, and lives in your car trunk?
A: De-spair tire.
Q: What kind of trains do ballerinas take?
A: Tutu trains.
Q: What happened to Ray when he jumped off the Eiffel Tower?
A: He's now called X-Ray.
Q: What duet do butchers play on the piano?
A: Chop-steaks.
Q: What's the last letter in the dictionary?
A: No - not Z: dictionary ends in 'Y'.
Q: What is the rudest bird?
A: The mockingbird.
Q: What did the scientist say when he found a 300-year-old sausage?
A: “I found the missing link!”
Q: What do you get when scientists put the genes of a philosopher in a potato?
A: A potato that says, “I think, therefore I yam.”
Q: What do you name a dog with a receding hairline?
A: Bald Spot spot.
Q: Who leads a duck orchestra?
A: The con-duck-tor.
Q: Where do they serve snacks to football players?
A: At the Soup-er Bowl.
Q: What's white and goes up?
A: A
dubm snowflake.
Q: What do you get when you put a bird in the freezer?
A: A brrrrrrrrrrrrd.
Q: What happened to the boatload of shoes that sunk in the Pacific Ocean?
A: 400 soles were lost at sea.
Q: What does a computer call its mother and father?
A: Mama and data.
Q: Why did the load of laundry quit its job?
A: Its career was all washed up.
Q: What's the difference between a professional violinist and a person who goes to hear him?
A: One plays for his pay, and the other pays for his play.
Q: Where's the best place to see a man-eating fish?
A: In a seafood restaurant.
Q: Where did the three little pigs get money to build their houses?
A: From a piggy bank.
Q: What do you get if you cross a vegetable with a cell phone?
A: Call-a-flower.
Q: What is a pig's favourite kind of comedy?
A: Slopstick.
Q: What do you call a dancing sheep?
A: A baaaa-llerina.
Q: How do you rearrange the letters in the words “new door” to make one word?
A: “one word”
Q: How do you buy a chessboard in Australia?
A: By check, mate.
Q: In Little Rock, Arkansas, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
A: You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.
Q: Why are 1980 American dollar bills worth more than 1979 American dollar bills?
A: One thousand nine hundred and eighty dollar bills are worth one dollar more
than one thousand nine hundred and seventy-nine dollar bills.
Q: Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?
A: Penguins live in the Antarctic.
Q: Which two letters describe a slippery sidewalk?
A: I C.
Q: What did one Canadian watch say to another?
A: “Hours it going, eh?”
Q: What is the earliest known fruit?
A: Adam's apple.
Q: Where do planets go to school?
A: At the univers-ity.
Q: What tree can't you climb?
A: A lavatory.
Q: What do you call people who watch other people diet?
A: Weight Watchers.
Q: What do joe-ks (as in 'jokes') and pencils have in common?
A: They're no good without a point.
Q: Why don't traffic lights go swimming?
A: They take forever to change.
Q: What do sweet potatoes do when they play together?
A: They have yam sessions.
Q: What kind of bird is like a letter?
A: A jaybird.
Q: Are you crazy if you talk to yourself?
A: Not unless you answer.
Q: What hero delivers meals to your house?
A: Supperman.
Q: How does the sea greet the sand?
A: It waves.
Q: Why shouldn't you tell a joe-k when you're ice skating?
A: Because the ice might crack up.
Q: What do you call a cat who plays the trumpet?
A: Puss 'n toots.
Q: What Doctor treats his patients like animals?
A: A vet.
Q: Which composer do knights like the most?
A: Moat-zart.
Q: What kind of motorbike can cook eggs?
A: A scrambler.
Q: Why wouldn't the canary pay for his date's dinner?
A: He was too cheep.
Q: How do lizards climb mountains?
A: They scale them.
Q: What do you get if you cross a comedian and a warm roll?
A: Hot cross puns.
Q: How did Webster invent the dictionary?
A: He got into an argument and one word led to another.
Q: What dessert is cold and rings?
A: An ice cream phone.
Q: What table has no legs?
A: A times table.
Q: Where did Noah keep his pinball machine?
A: In the Ark-ade.
Q: What kind of pizza do they serve at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Deep dish.
Q: What's the Roadrunner's motto?
A: Look before you beep.
Q: What would you get if you crossed an angry dog and a lobster?
A: A Doberman Pinch-er.
Q: What are the odds of something weird happening at 12:50?
A: Ten-to-one.
Q: What did King Tut get for his birthday?
A: Gift wrap.
Q: Why was the clock in prison?
A: It was doing time.
Q: What did the leopard say after he finished his lunch?
A: “Mm-mm-mm! That hit the right spot!”
Q: What animal makes the most of its food?
A: A giraffe - it makes a little go a long way.
Q: What kind of boat is like a knife?
A: A cutter.
Q: How do sheep keep warm in winter?
A: Central bleating.
Q: What race did Seabiscuit win?
A: The fishing derby.
Q: How does Moby Dick like its steak cooked?
A: Whale done.
Q: What do you get when you cross an ocean with a rabbit?
A: Wavy hare.
Q: What store sells great clothes for trendy dogs?
A: Abercrombie & Fetch.
Q: Why were the stockings hung by the chimney with care?
A: Because he'd worn them for months and they needed the air.
Q: What does a polite mink say?
A:“Thank you furry much.”
Q: Why did they put the acrobat in a sanatorium?
A: Because he flipped out.
Q: Why are giraffes slow to apologize?
A: It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride.
Q: What does a pack of canines have in common with Mozart?
A: They're both wolf gangs.
Q: What are Van Winkle trousers?
A: Pants with a rip.
Q: Why are mountain climbers curious?
A: They always want to take another peak (peek).
Q: Where is the best place to find a donkey on the internet?
A: @ eBray.
Q: What fish is man's best friend?
A: The dogfish.
Q: How does a mailman stop a fire?
A: He stamps it out.
Q: What's a shark's favourite flavour of ice cream?
A: Sharkolate.
Q: Why did the farmer plant sugar cubes?
A: He wanted to raise cane.
Q: What do you call a nutty crocodile?
A: A cuckoo croc.
Q: What's a Dentist's favourite game?
A: Tooth or consequences.
Q: What did the prisoner say when he was put on the rack?
A: “Looks like I'll be here for a long stretch.”
Q: What code name did they give to the spy who chewed gum?
A: Bubble-oh-seven.
Q: What animal makes a buzzing noise and likes chewing wood?
A: A bee-ver.
Q: What did the librarian use for bait?
A: A bookworm.
Q: Where do frogs hang up their coats?
A: In the croak room.
Q: What might you win if you lose 150 pounds?
A: The Nobelly Prize.
Q: What do you get if you walk under a cow?
A: A pat on the head.
Q: How do you fire lumberjacks?
A: Give them the axe.
Q: Why can't an eel ever win an argument?
A: It doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Q: How does secret cat agent 007 like his cream?
A: Shaken, not purred.
Q: Why did the King have to move to an uglier castle?
A: Because he got de-moat-ed.
Q: How did the magician make the blackboard disappear?
A: Slate of hand.
Q: What do many composers suffer from?
A: Bach aches.
Q: What did the mama lima bean say to the baby lima bean?
A:“Have you bean good?”
Q: Who has huge antlers and wears white gloves?
A: Mickey Moose.
Q: What did the sign say above the hobbit's hole?
A: Gnome sweet Gnome!
Q: What did the sausage say as it was about to be put on a skewer?
A: “Oh spear me, spear me!”
Q: What's a snake's favourite opera?
A: Wriggl-eto.
Q: What newspaper do cattle read?
A: The Daily Moos.
Q: How do you get a book to come to the telephone?
A: You page it.
Q: What game can you play while the earth is shaking?
A: Quakes and ladders.
Q: What kind of music do you hear when you throw a pebble into a lake?
A: Plunk rock.
Q: How do you get into a skate park for free?
A: Use a boarding pass.
Q: What instrument boils hot water when you play it?
A: The kettle drum.
Q: Why are farmers cruel?
A: Because they pull the ears off corn.
Q: What kind of party do prisoners like best?
A: A going-away party.
Q: Why was the vampire thin?
A: He ate necks to nothing.
Q: What did the radio announcer say when the owl scored a goal?
A: “He hoots, he scores!”
Q: What is a number's favourite sport?
A: Ten-is.
Q: Which planet is the most musical?
A: Nep-tune.
Q: When was beef at its highest?
A: When the cow jumped over the moon.
Q: What kind of star is Little Johnny?
A: The kind that's not very bright.
Q: Where do king crabs live?
A: In sand castles.
Q: Why aren't vampires welcome at the bloodmobile?
A: Because they only want to make withdrawals.
Q: What's a tired kangaroo?
A: Out of bounds.
Q: What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A: A may-bee.
Q: Who tells people where to get off and gets away with it?
A: A bus driver.
Q: What do aliens eat for lunch?
A: Mars bars.
Q: Why wouldn't mother let the Doctor operate on father?
A: Because she didn't want anybody else to open her male.
Q: Why did the sponge quit his job?
A: His career was all dried up.
Q: Which rabbit is a sorcerer?
A: Hare E. Potter.
Q: What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse?
A: The ground.
Q: What do you get when you cross a sink with a bugle?
A: Taps.
Q: What bright bug is difficult to handle?
A: A three-alarm firefly.
Q: How do you get rid of a spotted dog?
A: Use a spot remover.
Q: Why did the cross-country skier wear only one boot?
A: He was told the snow was one foot deep.
Q: What do you call a disguise worn by an elk?
A: A false moosetache.
Q: Why can't horses agree on new rules?
A: They always vote neigh.
Q: What do you call it when a dog gets her nails done?
A: A paw-dicure.
Q: What's a vampire's favourite game?
A: Follow the bleeder.
Q: Why should you never go to a horse for change?
A: They only use horse cents.
Q: How do you know when your cat's been on the internet?
A: Your mouse has teeth marks.
Q: Why did the Doctor go to work for the telephone company?
A: He wanted to be an operator.
Q: What kind of insects live on the moon?
A: Lunar-ticks.
Q: Do rabbits use combs?
A: No, they use hare brushes.
Q: What U.S. state never has a kind word to say about anyone?
A: Rude Island.
Q: What name do you give to a selfish girl?
A: Mimi.
Q: How do bees get to school?
A: They wait at the buzz stop.
Q: What prison did they send the canary to?
A: Sing Sing.
Q: Why did the hockey player bring rope to the hockey game?
A: He wanted to tie the score.
Q: What happened when the pelican stuck his head into the wall socket?
A: He got an electric bill.
Q: What should you do if you think you're a goldfish?
A: Take a tank-quilizer.
Q: What song was played when the cookie got married?
A: “Here Crumbs the Bride.”
Q: What always follows a wolf when it travels?
A: Its tail.
Q: What 2 words do you use to scold an elephant?
A: “Tusk! Tusk!”
Q: Why did the balloon burst?
A: Because it saw the lollipop.
Q: What can you find in the Great Wall of China that the Chinese never put there?
A: Cracks.
Q: When does a chair dislike you?
A: When it can't bear you.
Q: Where do you gas up a horse?
A: At a filly station.
Q: What desert animal hops around with a suitcase?
A: A pack-rabbit.
Q: What did the fish say when it was caught on the hook?
A: “I thought I knew all the angles.”
Q: Why is Little Johnny a promising singer?
A: He should promise to stop singing.
Q: What U.S. state is the cleanest?
A: Wash-ington (Wash.)
Q: How do Martian cowboys signal each other?
A: With communication saddle lights.
Q: What do you call alphabet soup that has only numbers in it?
A: Stewdoku
Q: How do angels fly?
A: Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.
Q: Which part of a boat is the grouchiest?
A: The stern
Q: What do you call a series of books about two laughing brothers who solve mysteries?
A: The Hardy-Har-Har Boys.
Q: What is a soda machine's favourite dance?
A: The can-can
What happens to a poisonous snake if it bites its own tongue?
Q: What do Eskimos eat for breakfast?
A: Ice Krispies
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a stove?
A: A self-cleaning oven.
Q: What language do chimpanzees speak?
A: Chimpanese.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a horse with the house next door?
A: A nei-ei-ei-ghbour.
Q: Name five members of the cat family.
A: Mother cat, father cat, and three kittens.
Q: What would you get if Batman and Robin were run over by stampeding cattle?
A: Flatman and Ribbon.
Q: What's yellow, fuzzy, and too tired to eat honey?
A: Winnie the Pooped.
Q: What do you call a chicken who likes to use a computer?
A: A technical fowl
Q: Where are the Great Plains?
A: At the great airports.
Q: What gives milk and has one horn?
A: A milk truck.
Q: What do trees use to take notes at school?
A: Loose leafs.
Q: Why is the bathtub's nickname 'Rosie'?
A: Because every time it gets used, it gets a ring around Rosie
Q: Did you hear about the dentist who became a brain surgeon?
A: His drill slipped.
Q: What game do parrots play?
A: Hide and speak.
Q: What do you call a King snake?
A: Hiss Majesty.
Q: Why did the fisherman keep catching drapes?
A: He was using a curtain rod
Q: What's it called when a feline basketball star misses the hoop?
A: A hair ball.
Q: Why didn't the cashier get the punch line?
A: It didn't register.
Q: What grows between your nose and chin?
A: Tulips
Q: Where does satisfaction come from?
A: From a satisfactory
Q: Who is never hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey - he's always stuffed.
Q: How many apples grow on trees?
A: All of them
Q: How do locomotives hear?
A: Through their engineers
Q: When is it dangerous to play cards in the jungle?
A: When the Joker's wild
Q: Little Johnny rides his stallion in the morning and his pony in the afternoon. What does he ride in the evening?
A: His nightmare
Q: What do you get when you cross poison ivy with french fries?
A: Rashed potatoes.
Q: What does a banana do when it sees a gorilla?
A: The banana splits
Q: How do you say goodbye to a horse?
A: “I've got to whoa now.”
Q: What Star Wars character is always taking the long route?
A: R2 Detour
Q: What do you get if you cross a vampire with Joe the plumber?
A: A blood bath.
Q: What did the King and Queen of hearts do on their daughter's birthday?
A: They sent her a card
Q: What would you get if you crossed a homing pigeon with a parrot?
A: A bird that asks the way home if it gets lost.
Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: “I'm not shore.”
Q: Why did Little Johnny put ice cubes in his aunt's bed?
A: He wanted to make antifreeze.
Q: What does a waiter do at the beach?
A: He surfs food
Q: Why did the salmon cross the road?
A: Just for the halibut
Q: How do chickens stay in shape?
A: They eggsercise
Q: What did the man say when he found that he was growing bald?
A: “Hair today, gone tomorrow!”
Q: What do you call someone who sits around blowing into a shell?
A: A conch potato.
Q: Why shouldn't a mathematician go surfing in shark-infested waters?
A: Because he'd add four and four and get ate.
Q: What do you call the place where parrots make films?
A: Pollywood
Q: Did you hear about the CEO who loved surfing?
A: He took his board to the beach.
Q: How do trees like their ice cream served?
A: In a pine cone
Q: What kind of TV programs do ducks watch?
A: Duckumentaries
Q: What do you call a brontosaurus who gets angry when he doesn't win?
A: A saur loser.
Q: What is the most expensive dog?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: What is a woodpecker's favourite kind of joe-k?
A: A
knock-knock joe-k
Q: What would you get if you crossed a skunk and an eagle?
A: An animal that stunk to high heaven
Q: On which side does a fish have the most scales?
A: On the outside
Q: What's the difference between the sun and a loaf of bread?
A: One rises from the East and the other from the yeast
Q: Why should you be nice to moss?
A: For peat's sake.
Q: What do you call a man who's been buried for thousands of years?
A: Pete
Q: What gift would you give a turtle?
A: A shellular phone
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?
A: A bearacuda
Q: Why is a scrambled egg like a losing baseball team?
A: Both are beaten.
Q: What's the best thing about working at a hot air balloon company?
A: You get a raise every day.
Q: Why did Little Johnny put his watch on a scale?
A: To see if it was gaining or losing time.
Q: What's the best season for skydiving?
A: Fall
Q: Why don't school children know about the Iron Age?
A: They're rusty on that subject
Q: Why does it take so long to make a politician snowman?
A: You have to hollow out the head first.
Q: Why was the spacecraft reading the horoscopes?
A: It was a Gemini
Q: How can you tell Madonna buys her clothes on sale?
A: Because they are always half-off
Q: Why did the dog see the Doctor?
A: Because a stitch in time saves canine.
Q: Why shouldn't you have faith in your Doctor?
A: All his patients are ill.
Q: What does a veterinarian keep outside his front door?
A: A welcome mutt
Q: Why are bank tellers boring at parties?
A: They act very withdrawn.
Q: What is a baker's favourite dance?
A: The twist
Q: Why did the cabinet go to the Psychiatrist?
A: It kept talking to its shelf
Q: Who has eight guns and terrorizes the ocean?
A: Billy the Squid.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who put Band-Aids in the refrigerator?
A: He wanted to have cold cuts
Q: What caused a riot in the Post Office?
A: A stamp-ede.
Q: What do cows use for money?
A: Moola.
Q: What kind of computer mail do mice exchange?
A: Eek-mail.
Q: What do you call a 300-pound football player with a short temper?
A: “Sir.”
Q: When is a shoemaker like a Doctor?
A: When he is heeling.
Q: What keeps food dangerously cold?
A: A refriger-gator
Q: What do you call a football player who keeps giving up?
A: A quitter-back
Q: Who hasn't done his ironing in years?
A: Wrinkle Stilskin
Q: What did the Japanese tourist wear in Alaska?
A: An Eskimono
Q: How do astronauts take their kids to school?
A: In space station wagons.
Q: What do you get when you cross death and a pager?
A: The Grim Beeper
Q: What's the best way to ship a baseball hitter?
A: Put him in a batter's box and take him to the Post Office.
Q: What do you get when you cross a wolf and a rooster?
A: An animal that howls when the sun rises.
Q: What did the book say to the librarian?
A: “Can I take you out?”
Q: What happened to the cat that drank 60 saucers of milk?
A: It got a lap record
Q: Name ten African animals in three seconds?
A: Nine lions and a zebra
Q: What does a match do when it loses its temper?
A: It flares up
Q: What do frogs do when they play baseball?
A: Catch flies
Q: Where do finger puppets get their outfits?
A: They're all hand-me-downs.
Q: What are the six main seasons?
A: Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, salt and pepper.
Q: What's the best way to count a herd of cattle?
A: Use a cow-culator.
Q: What's soft, yellow and scary?
A: Winnie the Boo.
Q: Which American state is the best for driving?
A: Rhode Island
Q: Why did Russian spies once wear mittens?
A: Because they were in the Cold War.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who baked a firecracker into his pancakes?
A: He blew his stack.
Q: What pink stomach medicine do farmers give to sick chicks?
A: Peep-to-Bismol.
Q: What's the difference between a coyote and a flea?
A: One howls on the prairie and the other prowls on the hairy.
Q: Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
A: At a chopping mall.
Q: What do you put on a chili dog?
A: A sweater.
Q: How do rabbits toast each other?
A: “Hare's to you!”
Q: When does poison ivy get caught in traffic?
A: During rash hour.
Q: What's the difference between ammonia and pneumonia?
A: Ammnoia comes in bottles; pneumonia comes in chests.
Q: What kind of music do you play for an ant farm?
A: The Beatles
Q: Where do you keep your shorts when you travel?
A: In your briefcase.
Q: Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
A: Because she couldn't find a date.
Q: Which letters of the alphabet have wings?
A: Bs and Js.
Q: Why did the Queen draw straight lines?
A: Because she was the ruler.
Q: How did Mary's little lamb get to Mars?
A: By rocket sheep.
Q: Are shellfish warm?
A: No, they're clammy.
Q: What do you call an aging tailor?
A: An old sew-and-sew
Q: What did the knife say to the pencil?
A: “ Be sharp.>”
Q: Where do baseball players always strike out?
A: At the Umpire State Building.
Q: What did the prisoner say to the judge?
A: “Pardon me.”
Q: What's wrong with discovering an invisible universe?
A: You can't see it.
Q: What is a bee's favourite song?
A: Stinging in the Rain.
Q: How do you send a soda through the mail?
A: By thirst class
Q: Why did the ocean take the afternoon off?
A: He wanted to play gulf.
Q: What lottery did the broom win?
A: The sweepstakes.
Q: What kind of seal does housework?
A: The Good Housekeeping Seal
Q: How to angelfish greet each other?
A: “Halo!”
Q: What did one ball of twine say to the other ball of twine?
A: “Stop stringing me along!”
Q: What would you get if you crossed an Egyptian queen with a kids' game?
A: Cleo-patty Cake.
Q: What lumber do you use to build castles in the air?
A: Sunbeams
Q: Why don't fish watch TV?
A: They don't want to get hooked on it.
Q: Why don't bananas snore?
A: They don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Q: What's the best thing to put in a pie?
A: Your teeth.
Q: What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
A: Snow and Tell.
Q: What did the mother rope say to her child?
A: “Don't be knotty.”
Q: Why did the fish stay home from school?
A: He was feeling a little under the water.
Q: What is a bullfrog's favourite game?
A: Croquet
Q: What does a hard disk do when it needs a break?
A: It goes for a C: drive.
Q: Why did everyone find the baker funny?
A: He had a rye sense of humour
Q: Why did the microprocessor always write form letters?
A: It was an impersonal computer.
Q: Why did the engineer leave locomotive school?
A: He felt he already had enough training.
Q: Do lumberjacks have to log on at work?
Q: Why are perfume salespeople so smart?
A: They have good scents.
Q: What do you get when you cross a comedian with crochet?
A: A knit wit.
Q: How hard is it to get a job as a sword-swallower?
A: There's cutthroat competition.
Q: What did the snake say when the lizard asked it for the time?
A: “Don't asp me.”
Q: What do you call a tuba quartet that plays at construction sites?
A: Tuba Four.
Q: What is a marathon runner's motto?
A: He who hesitates is last.
Q: Should a surfer swim on a full stomach?
A: No, he should swim on the ocean.
Q: What kind of socks do firefighters wear?
A: Fire hose.
Q: What's a magician's favourite nursery rhyme?
A: Trickery, dickory, dock.
Q: What is a canary's favourite snack?
A: Potato chirps.
Q: What do you call a king's sore throat?
A: A royal pain in the neck.
Q: When they win a hockey game, what do the Phoenix Coyotes give their opponents?
A: Crying T'howls.
Q: What do you call a greasy pachyderm?
A: An oily-phant.
Q: What reptile can you find in a clogged drain?
A: A plumber's snake.
Q: What did Cinderella's pet seal wear to the ball?
A: A glass flipper.
Q: Why did the blue jay get a perm?
A: Because the curly bird catches the worm.
Q: How did the robber get caught at the art gallery?
A: He was framed.
Q: Why did the disk drive become a professional goalie?
A: It kept making great saves.
Q:
What do you call a woman with a sheep on her head?
A: Baa-baa-rah.
Q: Why do dragons sleep all day?
A: So they can fly knights.
Q: What type of books do baby deer enjoy?
A: Fawntasies
Q: Did you hear about the skunk who made big donations to the Church?
A: It was given its own pew.
Q: During which school period do cars get put together?
A: Assembly.
Q: What music do wasps and yellowjackets listen to?
A: Bee-thoven.
Q: Did you hear the one about the woman who discovered the secret to eternal youth?
A: She lies about her age.
Q: Why couldn't the bell keep a secret?
A: It always toiled.
Q: What do you call stolen candy?
A: Hot chocolate.
Q: Do cats get angry?
A: Yes, they get fur-ious.
Q: What resource do fish use for school reports?
A: The fin-ternet.
Q: Where do you keep a professional pet fish?
A: In a goldfish pro bowl.
Q: Does a roller coaster like its work?
A: It has its ups and downs.
Q: What did the baker think of the funny joe-k?
A: He got a rise out of it.
Q: Where do wolves go to become stars?
A: Howliewood
Q: Did you hear about the ice that lost its job?
A: It was crushed.
Q: What do you get if you cross a fishing rod with Batman?
A: >A reel superhero.
Q: How can you recognize a dogwood tree?
A: By its bark.
Q: Why didn't the girl mouse like the boy mouse?
A: They just didn't click.
Q: Why did the young woman take the job at the glue factory?
A: It was fast paste.
Q: What did the milkmaid say to the anxious butter?
A: “You'll have to wait your churn.”
Q: What happened to the rhubarb thief?
A: He was taken into custardy.
Q: What kind of dance do buns do?
A: Abundance.
Q: What trees do ghouls like best?
A: Ceme-trees.
Q: Why did Harry Potter attach a camcorder to his Nimbus 2000?
A: He wanted a broom with a view.
Q: What four letters of the alphabet mean it's time to go to the dentist?
A: ICDK.
Q: What is a tie's favourite Shakespearean quote?
A: “To be or knot to be.”
Q: Why did the diver wash the reef?
A: He was practicing good coral hygiene.
Q: What do you call a mosquito riding on your arm?
A: An itch-hiker.
Q: What's big and gray and lives underwater?
A: An eelephant.
Q: What do you call a man who laughs at his boss's joe-ks?
A: A man who might not have a sense of humour, but sure has a sense of direction.
Q: What comes in a tupperware container and rings bells in a French cathedral?
A: The lunchpack of Notre Dame.
Q: How do you kiss a hockey player?
A: You pucker up.
Q: What do you give an injured lemon?
A: Lemonaid.
Q: What exam does an exterminator have to take?
A: A pest test.
Q: What does a hungry modem snack on?
A: Microchips.
Q: What do you call a 100-year-old cheerleader?
A: Old Yeller.
Q: Who are the cleanest opera singers?
A: Soap-ranos.
Q: How did the tractor get his son a job on the farm?
A: He had some pull.
Q: How can you tell when a cat has been using your computer?
A: The mouse pad is all chewed up
Q: What pen does a baby write with?
A: A play pen.
Q: What do you say to introduce a hamburger?
A: “Meat Patty.”
Q: What is a sailor's favourite sandwich?
A: A sub.
Q: What is a pirate's favourite fast food?
A: Pizzas of eight
Q: What do you call a teacher who makes numbers disappear?
A: A
mathemagician.
Q: What does the Invisible Man call his mother and father?
A: His transparents.
Q: What do spiders eat with their burgers?
A: French flies.
Q: What do the Green Giant's hens lay?
A: Eggplants.
Q: Where is Timbuktu?
A: Between Timbuk-one and Timbuk-three.
Q: Which sports channel does a poultry farmer watch?
A: ESP-Hen.
Q: What's a good name for a foot?
A: Arch-ie.
Q: What do you call a croissant on roller skates?
A: Breakfast to go.
Q: Who looks through your window and never wants to grow up?
A: Peeper Pan.
Q: How do you find King Arthur in the dark?
A: With a knight light.
Q: Why did Little Johnny chase the stinging fish?
A: He wanted to catch some rays.
Q: Where do you leave your dog when you go shopping?
A: In the barking lot.
Q: What's the difference between one yard and two yards?
A: Usually a fence.
Q: Where does a squid sleep when he camps?
A: In a tentacle.
Q: If you found a $20 bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?
A: Someone else's coat.
Q: Why did the stag wear braces?
A: He had buck teeth.
Q: Which animal won the basketball game?
A: The porcupine because it had the most points.
Q: What fruit kept best in Noah's ark?
A: The preserved pears (pairs).
Q: What breakfast cereal would you get if you crossed a cow with a baby's diaper?
A: Cream of Wet.
Q: What did one potato chip say to the other?
A: “Want to go for a dip?”
Q: What do you get when you cross a shellfish and a rabbit?
A: The Oyster Bunny.
Q: What does an astronaut do when he gets angry?
A: He blasts off.
Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Q: What do underwater police drive?
A: Squid cars.
Q: How do you get a cow out of the way?
A: Just say, “Moo-ve.”
Q: Where do baby monsters go when their parents are at work?
A: Day-scare centers.
Q: Where did the Joe-kster wind up for stealing shellfish?
A: Small clams court.
Q: What has more letters than the alphabet?
A: The Post Office.
Q: Why did the girl go to sea?
A: She wanted to meet some buoys.
Q: What smells and shoots at people?
A: A septic tank.
Q: Why are hogs like trees?
A: They both root for a living.
Q: Why wasn't the Tsar of Russia good to play chess with?
A: Because he was a Tsar loser.
Q: How is the internet like an overgrown yard?
A: You have to modem both.
Q: Why are camels hard to see in the desert?
A: Because they are camel-flaged.
Q: How did the wave feel about hitting the beach?
A: He was fit to be tide.
Q: Why did the spy spray his room with insect repellant?
A: Because he thought it was bugged.
Did you hear about the guy who named his car Flattery because it got him nowhere?
Q: Why didn't the lightning bolt go to the storm?
A: Because it was on strike.
Q: Why were the bees on strike?
A: They wanted shorter flowers and more honey.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Because it's easier than walking.
Q: Why don't you ever see dandruff on a man wearing a toupee?
A: Because he sweeps it under the rug.
Q: How does a banker start every bedtime story?
A: “Once upon a dime...”
Q: How did the patient get to the hospital so fast?
A: He flu.
Q: Why did the cranberry turn red?
A: It saw the turkey dressing.
Q: What happened to the guy who got his head stuck in a washing machine?
A: He got brainwashed.
Q: What is a haunted wigwam?
A: A creepy teepee.
Q: What's an astronaut's favourite drink?
A: Gravi-tea.
Q: What goes Mooooooz?
A: A jet flying backward.
Q: Which sea will make you go ape?
A: The Chimpansea.
Q: Why did the green ogre go to the psychiatrist?
A: He was a nervous Shrek.
Q: Why was the centipede late for school?
A: He was playing “This Little Piggy” with his sister.
Q: What are goose bumps for?
A: To keep geese from speeding.
Q: How did the giant's wife know that Jack was coming?
A: She could hear Hack and the beans talk.
Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A: A bear-faced lyre.
Q: What girl can catch jellyfish with her hair?
A: A bru-net.
Q: What did the girl calendar say to the other girl calendar?
>A: “I have more dates than you do.”
Q: Why is football popular on Venus?
A: Because all the houses have Astroturf on their front lawns.
Q: Why did the stingray speak to the diver?
A: He wanted to have a manta-man talk.
Q: What Asian food recipe calls for both poultry and a grinch?
A: Chicken lo Mean.
Q: Why are there no zebras in Scotland?
A: Because stripes clash with plaids.
Q: What did the pitcher say to the cup?
A: “I'll have none of your lip.”
Q: What does a dentist to a hockey team specialize in?
A: Puck teeth.
Q: What's the difference between an elbow and a rabbit's telephone?
A: One's a funny bone, and the other is a bunny's phone.
Q: Why did the ocean flood the stadium?
A: It was doing the wave.
Q: How does a comedian like his eggs?
A: Funny side up.
Q: Why didn't the computer pass its driving test?
A: It crashed too often.
Q: Why did the elephant go to the locksmith?
A: To have his trunk opened.
Q: Why is monastery food so greasy?
A: It's all cooked by friars.
Q: What kind of nuts does a banker like the best?
A: Cash-ews.
Q: What's an important aid in good grooming for pet mice?
A: Mouse wash.
Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a lion?
A: A terrified postman.
Q: Did you hear about the computer with the corrupt hard disk?
A: Its backup was worse than its byte.
Q: What do you call a German in a motorcycle hat?
A: Helmut.
Q: What kind of ocean bird can't fly, can't swim, and can't catch fish?
A: A peli-can't.
Q: What sport do turkey chefs play?
A: Baste-ball.
Q: What happened to the boy who drank eight cans of Coke?
A: He brought 7 Up.
Q: What do five square meals make?
A: Round people.
Q: Why don't little fish sleep at night?
A: They're afraid of the shark.
Q: What is a musician's favourite cereal?
A: Flute Loops.
Q: What do computer programmers like to eat for breakfast?
A: Ram & eggs.
Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they'd be called bagels.
Q: What did one pencil say to the other?
A: “You're looking sharp.”
Q: What's green and round and goes camping?
A: A boy sprout.
Q: Where can you find out more about ducks?
A: In a duck-tionary.
Q: Why is it difficult to keep a secret when you're cold?
A: Because your teeth chatter.
Q: What keeps jazz musicians on earth?
A: Groovity.
Q: Why did the schoolboy throw a glass of water out the window?
A: He wanted to see a waterfall.
Q: Where does a broom go when it's tired?
A: It goes to sweep.
Q: What kind of X-rays do foot Doctors take?
A: Foot-ographs.
Q: Why can't two elephants go swimming at the same time?
A: Because they only have one pair of trunks.
Q: Why did the baker sell his bread only to the rich and famous?
A: He wanted to work for the upper crust.
Q: What's a cowboy's favourite website?
A: Yahoo!
Q: Why do toadstools grow so close together?
A: They don't need mushroom.
Q: What beetle comes from outer space?
A: Bug Rogers.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a crystal ball with a skunk?
A: An animal with a sixth scent.
Q: What time is it when you sit on a thumb tack?
A: Spring time.
Q: Where did the rabbit learn to fly?
A: In the hare force.
Q: When should a doughnut chef quit?
A: When he is tired of the 'hole' business.
Q: What did the baby banana say to the mother banana?
A: “I don't peel good.”
Q: What kind of fish goes with peanut butter?
A: Jelly fish.
Q: How do you say yes to an optometrist?
A: “Eye-eye, sir.”
Q: Why did the ram crash his car?
A: He didn't see the ewe turn.
Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: The milkmaid's hands were cold.
Q: Why were outlaws the strongest men in the Old West?
A: They could hold up trains.
Confucius say, “Man who eat sweets take up two seats.”
Q: What does a shark use for a barbecue?
A: Sharkoal.
Q: What sickness can a plane catch?
A: The flew.
Q: What do you call a super pig who can climb up the sides of buildings?
A: Spiderham.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Prince Charles with Moby Dick?
A: The Prince of Whales.
Q: Why couldn't the writer cross the road?
A: He had authoritis.
Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring.
Q: What is the tip of the iceberg?
A: >10 to 15 percent of the iceberg's bill.
Q: Why is a graveyard noisy?
A: Because of all the coffin.
Q: What part of a clock is always old?
A: The second hand.
Q: Why can't it rain for 2 days continually?
A: Because there's always a night in between.
Q: What did the lightbulb say to the switch?
A: “You turn me on.”
Q: What did the DVD say to the radio?
A: “You just don't get the picture, do you?”
Q: What animal is best at hitting a baseball?
A: A bat.
Q: Why did the playground cross the road?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why are there no psychiatrists for dogs?
A: Everyone knows dogs aren't allowed on couches.
Q: Who was Wyatt Burp?
A: A sheriff with a repeater.
Q: What's a ticklish subject?
A: The study of feathers.
Q: What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
A: Chicken Spocks.
Q: What kind of musician can't you trust?
A: Someone who plays the bull fiddle.
Q: What's a Pilgrim's favourite country?
A: Turkey.
Q: What do you call a dog with a cold?
A: Achoo-huahua.
Q: What happens when you don't clean your mirror?
A: You get a dirty look.
Q: What do you call a patriotic dog?
A: A Yankee poodle.
Q: How do frogs fly?
A: By hopper-craft.
Q: What animals are on legal documents?
A: Seals.
Q: What do you call a foreign body in a chip pan?
A: An Unidentified Frying Object.
Q: Did you hear about the mad scientist who put dynamite in his fridge?
A: He blew his cool.
Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q: Why do you always find something in the last place you look?
A: Because when you find it, you stop looking.
Q: How do ducks decorate?
A: They wallpaper over the quacks.
Q: What is a
hot time?
A: A clock in an oven.
Q: What's the coldest place an ant can go?
A: The Antarctic.
Q: What do you give a sick snake?
A: Asp-irin.
Q: Why should you walk carefully when it's raining cats and dogs?
A: You might step into a poodle.
Q: What international cricket team plays only half dressed?
A: The Vest Indies.
Q: What do cannibals eat when they go out for breakfast?
A: Buttered host.
Q: How does the Moon trim its hair?
A: E-clipse it.
Q: What do you get when you cross a clown with a chicken?
A: A comedi-hen.
Q: What is the slowest mountain?
A: Mt. Everest.
Q: What did the old man say when he walked into an antiques store?
A: “What's new?”
Q: Who was the first to have a mobile home?
A: A turtle.
Q: What did the tree surgeon say about the diseased elm?
A: “Its bark is worse than its blight.”.
Q: What's the longest line at a Joe-kster's party?
A: The punch line.
Q: What do you get if you cross a flat fish and a bird?
A: A cheep skate.
Q: What inventions help people get up in the world?
A: The elevator, the ladder, and the alarm clock.
Q: What did one mule say to the other?
A: “I get a kick out of you.”
Q: What do you call a baby ant?
A: An inf-ant.
Q: What's special about a neurotic doll?
A: It comes already wound up.
Q: Why did the green vegetable reconsider taking the job?
A: The benefits were good but the celery wasn't.
Q: What did the pen say to the pencil?
A: “What's your point?”
Q: If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does a scuba diver get?
A: Under toe.
Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was on the deck.
Q: What animal says “mooski”?
A: A Moscow.
Q: What stories are told about basketball players?
A: Tall tales.
Q: How do you hang up an airplane?
A: On an airplane hanger.
Q: What can make grass grow bigger?
A: Magnifying grass.
Q: What goes 99-thump, 99-thump?
A: A centipede with a wooden leg.
Q: Who uses voodoo to scare mosquitoes away?
A: The itch doctor.
Q: What is the definition of an
undercover agent?
A: A spy in bed.
Q: Why were the charges against the football team dropped?
A: They had a strong defense.
Q: What do you have if you mix a commander of a ship with a fishing lure?
A: Captain Hook.
Q: Where did the fish go on a date?
A: To the dive-in movie.
Q: What kind of bears like bad weather?
A: Drizzly bears.
Q: How can you say rabbit without using the letter R?
A: Bunny.
Q: What does your mother's sister become when she's nervous?
A: Aunt-sy.
Q: Why did the blonde attach her computer to a fishing rod?
A: Someone told her to hook it up.
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a toad?
A: A wart processor.
Q: How would you feel after a free lunch in a vineyard?
A: Grapeful.
Q: Where do bears go on vacation?
A: Bear-muda.
Q: Where did the sick ship go?
A: To the docks.
Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky?
A: >During Ape-ril showers.
Q: Why didn't Stuart Little win an Academy Award?
A: Because mice guys finish last.
Q: What kind of ice cream makes you sick?
A: Van-ill-a.
Q: Why did the airline pilot get fired?
A: He took off too many days.
Q: What do you call a necklace made of fruit?
A: A food chain.
Q: Why was the pig excused from gym class?
A: It had a pulled ham string.
Q: Why are basketball players so hot after a game?
A: All the fans are gone.
Q: When is the best day to tell joe-ks?
A: On Pun-day.
Q: When does the moon burp?
A: When it's full.
Q: What happened to the baseball player who was always late for dinner?
A: His wife threw him out at home.
Q: What do you call a dog that digs up bones?
A: A barkyologist.
Q: What is the laziest part of a car?
A: The wheels - they're always tired.
Q: How did the tooth fairy do in school?
A: Fairy well.
Q: What's a puppy's favourite breakfast?
A: Pooch-ed eggs and bark-on.
Q: What does a mechanical frog say?
A: “Robot! Robot!”
Q: Why aren't horses well dressed?
A: Because they wear shoes but no socks.
Q: What is a bird's favourite part of the news?
A: The feather forecast.
Q: What do you call a cat with a pager?
A: A beeping tom.
Q: If 12 make a dozen, how many make a million?
A: Very few.
Q: How do you honour a chestnut?
A: Give it a roast.
Q: What kind of person is fed up with people?
A: A cannibal.
Q: What has winds and solves number problems?
A: A moth-matician.
Q: Where can you buy a chess set?
A: At a pawnshop.
Q: What kind of tree has hair?
A: A fur tree.
Q: Why was the girl named Sugar?
A: Because she was so refined.
Q: What kind of book tells you about all the different kinds of owls?
A: Who's Whoo.
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A pen-guin.
Q: How did Lucy get lucky?
A: She found a K..
Q: Why is a moon rock tastier than a meatball?
A: Because it's a littler meteor.
Q: What did the laundry man say to the impatient customer?
A: “Keep your shirt on!”
Q: How do you stop a gelatin race?
A: Shout “Get set!”
Q: How did the gnu cross the river?
A: In a ca-gnu.
Q: What flower lies down?
A: A lazy daisy.
Q: Why don't aliens drown in hot chocolate?
A: Because they sit on the Mars-mallows.
Q: What's the best way to catch a fish?
A: Have someone throw it to you.
Q: What did the frankfurter say when the dog bit him?
A: “It's a dog-eat-dog world.”
Q: What people would never join a nudist camp?
A: Pickpockets.
Q: What did the plastic surgeon say to the duck?
A: “I'm going to have to re-bill you.”
Q: What do you call a sheep farm with only rams?
A: Ewes-less.
Q: What do you call an ant that's good at math?
A: An account-ant.
Q: What game do tornadoes like to play?
A: Twister.
Q: What gives milk and says, “Oom, oom”?
A: A cow walking backwards.
Q: What is a tree's favourite game?
A: Follow the Cedar.
Q: Why can't you play games in the jungle?
A: Because there's always going to be a cheetah.
Q: What game do you play in water?
A: Swimming pool.
Q: If two's company and three's a crowd, what is four and five?
A: Nine.
Q: What do you get when you cross your brother with an owl?
A: A wise guy.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a librarian with a race car driver?
A: A speed reader.
Q: What kind of store can stay in the same spot for 50 years?
A: A stationery store.
Q: What would you get if you crossed oxen with zebras?
A: Steers and stripes.
Q: What did the toe say when it was asked out on a date?
A: “I couldn't go out with a heel like you.”
Q: What kind of policeman dresses poorly?
A: A plain clothesman..
Q: What happened to the wooden plane with the wooden wheels and wooden engine?
A: It wooden go..
Q: What do you call an anxious dinosaur?
A: A nervous rex.
Q: What kind of hair do oceans have?
A: Wavy.
Did you hear about the florist whose future looked rosy?
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow and a pogo stick?
A: A milkshake.
Q: What does a chicken say when it goes into a library?
A: “Book-book-book-book-book!”
Q: What did the Doctor give the patient with a splitting headache?
A: Glue.
Q: What kind of dancing do pirates love?
A: The rum-ba.
Q: What does an egg do when another egg bothers it?
A: It eggnores it..
Q: Where do vegetables go to get married?
A: To the Justice of the Peas.
Q: What's the cheapest way to see the world?
A: Buy an atlas.
Q: What did one blackbird say to the other blackbird?
A: “Crow up!”
Q: What instrument do lighthouse keepers play?
A: Fog horns.
Q: Where do pigs like to sit?
A: On pork benches.
Q: Why do you call a parrot in a raincoat?
A: Polly-unsaturated.
Q: What driver puts screws in a glass-bottom boat?
A: A scuba driver.
Q: What do Eskimos use to build their houses?
A: i-glue.
Q: Where do elementary school teachers like to go sailing?
A: Out on the A B seas.
Q: Why didn't Noah do too much fishing on the ark?
A: He only had two worms.
Q: What do you get when you cross peanut butter and a quilt?
A: A bread spread.
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It overswept.
Q: Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
A: It wanted a well-balanced meal.
Q: What songs put baby birds to sleep?
A: Gull-abies.
Q: How do you top a car?
A: Tep on the brake, tupid!
Q: Name a unit of electrical energy.
A: What?
Q: How does a computer order food?
A: Off the menu.
Q: What type of cans are there in Mexico?
A: Mexicans.
Q: What do 24 hours do at night?
A: Call it a day.
Q: How does morning begin?
A: With the letter 'm'.
Q: Why are pianos hard to open?
A: Piano keys don't open locks
Q: What do you call a tuba's father?
A: Oom-Papa
Q: When is fishing bad for you?
A: When you're a worm.
Q: What was the first thing the lumberjack did when he bought a computer?
A: He logged on.
>Q: How do you spell hard water with three letters?
A: ICE
Q: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?
A: Dinomite.
Q: Are palm trees always green?
A: Yes, except at a fortune teller's, where palms are red.
Q: Why do mothers put so much powder on their babies?
A: Talc is cheap.
Q: Why was the fish's wish granted?
A: He found his fairy cod mother.
Q: What pop group kills germs?
A: The Bleach Boys.
Q: What's the difference between an Indian elephant and an African elephant?
A: Around 3,000 miles.
Q: Why was the computer so good at golf?
A: It had a hard drive.
Q: What happened to the kitten that got caught in a Xerox machine?
A: He became a copycat.
Q: Why did the stallion need a cough drop?
A: He was hoarse.
Q: Why are barns so noisy?
A: Because the cows have horns.
Q: What do you get when you drop an ice cream on the floor?
A: A plopsicle.
Q: What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A: “Is
that you, Mommy?”
Q: What do you call an oyster who doesn't let anyone share his pearl?
A: Shell-fish.
Q: What did the waiter do when a customer pointed out a twig in his soup?
A: He called over the branch manager.
Q: How do you know that you are talking to a undertaker?
A: By his grave manner.
Q: What do you call a big Irish spider?
A: Paddy long legs.
Q: What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road?
A: A mutt in a rut.
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?
A: He wanted to find Pluto.
Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees?
A: Birds of prey.
Q: How do you take a pig to hospital?
A: By hambulance.
Q: What do you call the science of soda pop?
A: Fizz-ics.
Q: What does one star say to another star when they meet?
A: “Glad to meteor!”
Q: Why did the frog croak?
A: It ate a poisonous fly.
Q: Whom did the bug's uncle marry?
A: His 'ant'.
Q: How does a tree count?
A: “One, two, tree.”
Q: What illness can you catch from a martial arts expert?
A: Kung flu.
Q: What's a shark's favourite game?
A: Bite and seek.
Q: Why wouldn't the apple join the other fruits in the salad?
A: He didn't find it as a-peeling.
Q: Which book is about chickens?
A: The hen-cyclopedia.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a cactus with a porcupine?
A: Sore hands.
Q: What's a rabbit's favourite candy?
A: A lollihop.
Q: How do you revive a butterfly?
A: With moth-to-moth resuscitation.
Q: What did the worm say to the other when he was late home?
A: “Where in earth have you been?”
Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
Q: Why does Batman brush with toothpaste?
A: To prevent bat breath.
Q: What's a vampire's favourite food?
A: Scream of mushroom.
Q: What do you say when you get off a boat?
A: “Thank you ferry much.”
Q: Did you hear about the track star that raced a rabbit?
A: He won by a hare.
Q: What do you use to paint a dromedary?
A: Camel enamel.
Q: Why did the man go to dinner with his psychiatrist?
A: So he could whine and dine.
Q: What do you call a green vegetable served on a ship?
A: A crew-cumber.
Q: Why was the computer cold?
A: It forgot to close its windows.
Q: Why do golfers like Fruit Loops?
A: Because there's a hole in every one.
Q: What do you call a frog with no hind legs?
A: Unhoppy.
Q: What did the submarine say to the ship?
A: “I can see your bottom.”
Q: What didn't King Arthur ever get served at the Round Table?
A: A square meal.
Q: Why did the tennis players get into trouble?
A: They were making a lot of racket.
Q: What did the tree wear to the pool?
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: What do snowmen call their offspring?
A: Chill-dren.
Q: What do you call high-rise apartment houses for pigs?
A: Styscrapers.
Q: In which direction does a chicken swim?
A: Cluck-wise.
Q: Who held the baby octopus for ransom?
A: Squidnappers.
Q: How do snails fight?
A: They slug it out.
Q: What do you call a car that acts in movies?
A: Harrison Ford.
Q: What's the purpose of the asteroid belt?
A: To hold up the asteroid's pants.
Q: Why did did the history history teacher say say every every thing thing twice twice?
A: Because history repeats itself.
Q: What does a cannibal call a phone book?
A: A menu.
Q: What do you call a baby rifle?
A: A son-of-a-gun.
Q: Why don't cannibals eat weathermen?
A: Because they give them wind.
Q: What do you get when you cross an automobile with music?
A: Car toons.
Q: Why couldn't the orange finish the race?
A: It ran out of juice.
Q: What do you call a very popular perfume?
A: A best smeller.
Q: What did the high diver wear to his wedding?
A: A swim suit.
Q: Why did the pelican refuse to pay for his meal?
A: His bill was too big.
Q: What do you call a frog spy?
A: A croak and dagger agent.
Q: What monster eats a lot of junk food?
A: Snackula.
Q: Have you heard the joe-k about the jump rope?
A: Skip it.
Q: What's a cat's favourite country?
A: Purr-u.
Q: Who is the sickest Doctor in Asia?
A: Flu Manchu.
Q: What did the scissors say to the hair?
A: “It won't be long now.”
Q: What do you call a person who thinks he has wings and can fly?
A: Plane crazy.
Q: What's the difference between a person who dips baby sheep in paint and a dishonest beaver?
A: One is a lamb dyer, the other is a dam liar.
Q: Why did the ding dong wring his hands?
A: Because his bell was out of order.
Q: What's the name of a Scottish dentist?
A: Phil McCavity.
Q: What do polar bears eat for lunch?
A: Ice burgers.
Q: How do you make a sausage roll?
A: Push it down a hill.
Q: Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs?
A: He was always horsing around.
Q: Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
A: It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Q: How does King Neptune keep his home clean?
A: He has a mermaid.
Q: What's the happiest US state?
A: Merryland.
Q: Who was the first underwater spy?
A: James Pond.
Q: What do you call a cat comedian?
A: A witty kitty.
Q: What do you get if you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A bird that plucks itself.
Q: When is it safe to leave a dog in a car with the windows rolled up?
A: When he's in a convertible.
Q: What do you call a snake that drinks too much coffee?
A: A hyper viper.
Q: What kind of dog washes clothes?
A: A laundermutt.
Q: In France, if someone pretends to be your father, what is he called?
A: A faux pas.
Q: Where do ants like to go on holiday?
A: Ant-igua.
Q: What did the beaver say to the tree?
A: “It's been nice gnawing you.”
Q: Why did the fly fly?
A: Because the spider spied her.
Q: Why did the cat swallow cheese?
A: So it could wait at the mouse hole with baited breath.
Q: What do runners do when they forget something?
A: They jog their memory.
Q: How do baby birds know how to fly?
A: They just wing it.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a computer with a fast car?
A: A click and drag race.
Q: What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A: Ice caps.
Q: What kind of kangaroo gives advice from a mountaintop?
A: A gu-roo.
Q: Which letter of the alphabet is always asking questions?
A: Y
Q: What would you get if all the cars in the country were painted pink?
A: A pink carnation.
Q: What did the alien say to the cat?
A: “Take me to your litter.”
Q: What do you get when you cross a skunk with a vegetable?
A: Smellery.
Q: What do you call it when a highway stumbles?
A: A road trip.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cocoa bean with an elk?
A: Chocolate moose.
Q: Why didn't the cannibal want to go to the crematorium for lunch?
A: They overcook everything.
Q: What did the Wolfman umpire shout as the lady vampire flew away?
A: “Bat-her-up!”
Q: Why did the snail cross the road?
A: I don't know - it hasn't got there yet.
Q: What has antlers and sucks blood?
A: A moose-quito.
Q: How does a snowman get to work?
A: By icicle.
Q: What does a watch do on vacation?
A: Time travel.
Q: What happens if you make a cannibal angry?
A: You end up in hot water.
Q: What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?
A: He ate himself.
Q: How far is it from one basketball court to the next?
A: Just a hoop, skip and a jump.
Q: What should you do when you serve a camel tea?
A: Ask him if he'd like one hump or two.
Q: Who exploded at Waterloo?
A: Napoleon Blownapart.
Q: What experimental ice cream flavour fell flat on its ear?
A: Cob on the cone.
Q: What do you call a man who cuts lion's hair?
A: The mane man.
Q: Where do basketball players settle their arguments?
A: In court.
Q: What do you get when you cross a hippo with a rodent?
A: A hippopota-mouse.
Q: Why do millipedes taste like chewing gum?
A: They're wrigglies.
Q: What do English country gentlemen do on Saturday nights?
A: The go squire dancing.
Q: What do you call a dream where you are attacked by vampires?
A: A bitemare.
Q: What was the last thing the frog did before he jumped?
A: He croaked.
Q: Why did the cannibal join the police force?
A: So he could grill his suspects.
Q: What did one lightbulb say to the other?
A: “Let's go out tonight.”
Q: Why did the judge convict the thief immediately?
A: You can't judge a crook by its cover.
Q: What do vegetables wear when they get married?
A: Onion rings.
Q: Which month of the year has 26 days?
A: All of them.
Q: What's the magic word for getting rid of scabs?
A: Scabracadabra!
Q: How do you know when a dog has been naughty?
A: He leaves a little poodle on the carpet.
Q: What did the alien say to the eggs?
A: “Take me to your beater.”
Q: What did the violinist sing to his violin?
A: “I've got you under my chin.”
Q: How do you fire a librarian?
A: Throw the book at her.
Q: What do lions call antelopes?
A: Fast food.
Q: How do bugs leave?
A: They flea the scene.
Q: Why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas?
A: He wanted Tibet.
Q: Why did the cowardly vampire go hungry?
A: He couldn't stand the sight of blood.
Q: What do space cows say?
A: “Moooooo-n.”
Q: Why aren't woodpeckers good company?
A: Because they're always boring.
Q: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a rain storm?
A: A wet blanket.
Q: How does a schizophrenic change a lightbulb?
A: He asks one of his personalities to do it for him.
Q: Why did the carpenter go to the Doctor?
A: He had a saw hand.
Q: What do you get if you cross nuns with a chicken?
A: A pecking order.
Q: Why was the porcupine standing around?
A: He was quilling time.
Q: What's the easiest way to get on TV?
A: Sit on your set.
Q: Why are hairdressers good drivers?
A: They know all the short cuts.
Q: What did one hurricane say to the other hurricane?
A: “I've got my eye on you.”
Q: What kind of space villain works in a restaurant?
A: Darth Waiter.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken.
Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
A: B.
Q: How does a snake get to work in the morning?
A: In hiss car.
Q: What happens if you cross an onion with a potato?
A: The potato starts to cry.
Q: Why did the computer squeak?
A: Someone trod on its mouse.
Q: What's big, gray and puts you in a trance?
A: A hypno-potomus.
Q: Where do American vampires work?
A: At the Vampire State Building.
Q: What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
A: Just his fingers.
Q: How do you catch an electric eel?
A: With a lightning rod.
Q: Which medieval knight was the first to need eyeglasses?
A: Sir Glancealot.
Q: Why doesn't a bald man need keys?
A: Because he's lost his locks.
Q: Why was the photographer arrested?
A: Because he shot people and blew them up.
Q: How do you measure poison ivy?
A: By itches.
Q: Why was the letter so damp?
A: It had postage dew.
Q: What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
A: A wonkey.
Q: What do you call a man with a government subsidy?
A: Grant.
Q: What do you call a nervous cow?
A: Beef jerky.
Q: What does a one-legged ballerina wear?
A: A one-one.
Q: What do ants use for hula hoops?
A: Cheerios.
Q: Why are fish so smart?
A: They swim in schools.
Q: What's a caterpillar's worst enemy?
A: A dog-erpillar.
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: Why did the toilet paper run down the mountain?
A: It wanted to get to the bottom.
Q: What do you call an unemployed jester?
A: Nobody's fool.
Q: What is a panther?
A: Someone who panths.
Q: What's the difference between a New Yorker and a dentist?
A: One roots for the Yanks, the other yanks for the roots
Q: What's a cat's favourite quote from Hamlet?
A: “Tabby or not tabby!”
Q: What do Eskimos get under their eyes when they can't sleep?
A: Arctic circles.
Q: What happens to a dog that eats garlic?
A: His bark is much worse than his bite.
Q: How did Jonah feel when the whale swallowed him?
A: Down in the mouth.
Q: What kind of pickle does a dentist use?
A: A drill pickle.
Q: What flower is always happy?
A: A gladiola.
Q: If Ireland sank into the sea, which county wouldn't sink?
A: Cork.
Q: What do you call a carpenter who misplaces his tools?
A: A saw loser.
Q: What do beavers eat for breakfast?
A: Oakmeal.
Q: What do bees do with their honey?
A: They cell it.
Q: What's a bee's favourite song?
A: “Bee it ever so humble, there's no place like comb.”
Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: It was stuck to the chicken's foot.
Q: What did the shrimp yell to the seaweed?
A: “Kelp! Kelp!”
Q: What game do fish like playing the most?
A: Name That Tuna.
Q: What did the window say to the door?
A: “I'm the one with a pane, so why are you squeaking?”
Q: What do you call a campground for spiders?
A: A website.
Q: Why did the secretary have her fingers cut off?
A: So she could do shorthand.
Q: How do you get to a hospital in a hurry?
A: Stand in front of a bus.
Q: What does an elephant always take on safari?
A: His trunk.
Q: What do you call a 100-year old ant?
A: Ant-ique.
Q: How do hedgehogs play leapfrog?
A: Very carefully.
Q: What does a bumble bee sit on?
A: Its bee-hind.
Q: What does Robin Hood put on his presents?
A: Bows and arrows.
Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: “Between you and me, I think something smells.”
Q: Why did the shark cross the ocean?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: What do dogs increase?
A: The pup-ulation.
Q: What did Sally see when her friend Dawn bent over?
A: The crack of Dawn.
Q: What's a frog's favourite flower?
A: A croak-us.
Q: What does the zookeeper serve at snack time?
A: Animal crackers.
Q: What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
A: A minnie van.
Q: What followed the dinosaur?
A: It's tail.
Q: Why did the lady jump in the ocean?
A: To get a wave in her hair.
Q: Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace?
A: So that she could sleep like a log.
Q: Why did a fan bring a rope to the baseball game?
A: So he could tie up the score.
Q: What is a crazy duck?
A: A wacky quacky.
Q: What do they call Pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.
Q: What is an archaeologist?
A: Someone who's career is in ruins.
Q: Why are astronauts successful people?
A: Because they always go up in the world.
Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.
Q: Why don't lemons play in concerts?
A: They play too many sour notes.
Q: What is a tree's favourite drink?
A: Root beer.
Q: What do dolphins wear to the beach?
A: Swim fins.
Q: What's Moby Dick's favourite dinner?
A: Fish 'n ships.
Q: What did the baby chimney say to the father chimney?
A: “Pop, you smoke too much.”
Q: What do you get when you cross a movie house and a swimming pool?
A: A dive-in theater.
Q: What kind of feet does a mathematics teacher have?
A: Square feet.
Q: Where do you store Chinese boats?
A: In a junk yard.
Q: What is Russian for Goodbye?
A: “Mos Go!”
Q: Where do sick pigs go?
A: To the hogspital.
Q: Did you hear about the magic bus?
A: It went along the road, then turned into a side street
Q: Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head?
A: Because he wanted a head of hare
Q: Why did Little Johnny put his head on the grindstone?
A: To sharpen his wits.
Q: When's the best time to buy a budgie?
A: When it's going cheep.
Q: When does a graveyard romance start?
A: When boy meets ghoul.
Q: Did you hear about the baby born in the hi-tech delivery room?
A: It was cordless.
Q: What's the biggest plant in the world?
A: A steel plant.
Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: “Meet you at the corner.”
Q: What do you call it when 2 cows help each other?
A: Cow-operation.
Q: What did one tombstone say to the other tombstone?
A: “Don't take me for granite.”
Q: What's a mouse's favourite television show?
A: Squeal of Fortune.
Q: Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
A: He wanted to work over time.
Q: What do you call a hippopotamus with the measles?
A: A hippo-spotty-mus.
Q: How do you send a message in the woods?
A: By moss code.
Q: Where do endangered birds live?
A: In condor-miniums.
Q: What do birds use for skydiving?
A: Sparrow-chutes.
Q: What did one clothesline say to the other clothesline?
A: “You don't have any clothes on.”
Q: Why did the Mom cross the road?
A: No one could tell. She was mumbling to
herself about peace and quiet. She circled the block a couple of times and came
back a lot happier.
Q: What did the mother river name her baby
A: Brook.
Q: What did Mom say when her daughter swallowed a dictionary?
A: “Don't breathe a word to your father.”
Q: What did the mommy pair of pants say to her son when he wouldn't shut up?
A: “Zip it!”
Q: What insect keeps good time?
A: A clock roach.
Q: How is food served to the man in the moon?
A: In satellite dishes.
Q: What union do mimes belong to?
A: The United Mime Workers.
Q: What do you say to King Kong when he gets married?
A: Kong-ratulations!
Q: Did you hear about the mad scientist?
A: He invented a square bathtub so it never left a ring.
Q. What do you get if you eat baked beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.
Q: What arctic bird lives in a bakery?
A: A cream puffin.
Q: What do you get if you cross a karate expert with a tree?
A: Spruce Lee.
Q: What are unhappy cranberries called?
A: Blueberries.
Q: What's white and fluffy and beats its chest?
A: A meringue-utan.
Q: Why does Superman fly to South Africa to get his clothes?
A: Because that's where Cape Town is.
Q: What do whales chew?
A: Blubber gum.
Q: What is a snake's favourite subject?
A: Sssssssssscience.
Q: What do trees watch on television?
A: Their favourite sap operas.
Q: What does a werewolf put on at the beach?
A: Moon-tan lotion.
Q: What's the best way to prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
A: Don't bite any
Q: Why did Luke Skywalker always sleep with the light on?
A: He was afraid of the Darth.
Q: What do you call a bird in winter?
A: A b-rrrrrrrrrrr-d
Q: On what day do spiders eat the most?
A: Flyday.
Q: Which 3 ways do men wear their hair?
A: Parted, unparted and departed.
Q: What's the difference between a watchmaker and a jailer?
A: One sells watches and the other watches cells
Q: What did the beach say when the tide came in?
A: “Long tide no sea.”
Q: What do you have to know to teach a dog tricks?
A: More than the dog.
Q: How do robots cross a lake?
A: In a row-bot.
Q: What dog bakes cakes?
A: Betty Cocker
Q: Why is your heart like a policeman?
A: It follows a regular beat.
Q: What did the cloud have under its raincoat?
A: Thunderwear.
Q: What do you call a broken phonograph record?
A: A smash hit.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: “It must be summer - here comes another swallow.”
Q: Q: Why should you never swim on an empty stomach?
A: It's easier to swim in water
Q: Did you hear about the old lady who told knitting joe-ks?
A: She was a nit wit.
Q: Why did the man enjoy his work in the towel factory?
A: Because it was a very absorbing job.
Q: What do termites do when they want to relax?
A: They take a coffee table break.
Q: What dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: What song do workers at a cryogenics lab sing?
A: “Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
Q: What do you call a volcano?
A: A mountain with hiccups.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: Did you hear about the constipated musician?
A: He couldn't finish his last movement.
Q: What did the turtles say to the teacher?
A: “You tortoise everything we know.”
Q: Why did the computer geek take up photography?
A: He wanted his own dorkroom.
Q: What do you call a brontosaurus trapped in a glacier?
A: A fossicle.
Q: What do you call a sunburn on your stomach?
A: Pot roast.
Q: What kind of dog works at the United Nations?
A: A diplomutt.
Q: How do hot dogs speak?
A: Frankly.
Q: Why was the calendar so sad?
A: It's days were numbered.
Q: What's the biggest room in the world?
A: Room for improvement.
Q: Why did the teacher marry the janitor?
A: He swept her off her feet.
Q: What do you call really scared pasta?
A: Chicken noodles.
Q: Why did the tree go to the hospital?
A: For a sap-pendectomy.
Q: How are dogcatchers paid?
A: By the pound.
Q: Where do baby Vikings go when their parents are at work?
A: To the Norse-ery.
Q: What's the difference between a computer program and a boxer?
A: One's a bruiser, one's a browser.
Q: What does the Joe-kster fill his car with?
A: Laughing gas.
Q: How did Hiawatha?
A: With thoap and water.
Q: On what day do internet geeks eat the most?
A: Webs-day.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur that lifts weights?
A: Tyrannosaurus Pecs.
Q: What do you call someone in Asia who is under 21?
A: Asia Minor.
Q: Why don't lepers like comedy shows?
A: It makes them laugh their heads off.
Q: How do you feel after a Doctor sticks a needle into you?
A: Holier.
Q: Why did the nail cross the road?
A: He was bent on it.
Q: What is zinc?
A: The present tense of zunk.
Q: What kind of socks do baseball players like?
A: Ones with lots of runs in them.
Q: What animal has a bill in his name but none of his face?
A: A ger-bill.
Q: What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A: A puddle.
Q: What did the bus driver say to the frog?
A: “Hop on.”
Q: What did the invisible salesman say?
A: “What you don't see is what you don't get.”
Q: What sport is after 'nine'?
A: Ten-nis.
Q: What did the judge say to the skunk that was on trial?
A: “Odor in the court!”
Q: What happens if you kiss an electric eel?
A: You have a shocking experience.
Q: Why couldn't the geometry teacher solve her own problems?
A: She didn't have the right angle.
Q: Did you hear about the pirate who made a sword out of meat?
A: It was a veal cutlass.
Q: What happened to the wolf who fell into the washing machine?
A: He became a wash-and-werewolf.
Q: How did Little Johnny get across the Nottafoot River without a boat?
A: He walked - it was only 11 inches deep.
Q: If some new cars have satellite radio, what kinds of cars have cable?
A: Cable cars.
Q: Who was the 1st electrician in the Bible?
A: Noah - he made the ark light on Mount Ararat.
Q: Did you hear the one about the soap cleaner?
A: It's really clean.
Q: What do you call a fish who can do magic?
A: Marlin the Magnificent.
Q: What did one plate say to the other?
A: “Dinner's on me.”
Q: Why was the mime unhelpful in reporting an accident?
A: She couldn't say what had happened.
Q: Why did the drummer bring a chicken to band practice?
A: He needed new drumsticks.
Q: What happened when the icicle landed on the man's head?
A: It knocked him out cold.
Q: What kind of TV do you find in a haunted house?
A: A big-scream TV.
Q: What dog has bad manners?
A: A pointer - pointing is not polite.
Q: Where does Friday come before Thursday?
A: In the dictionary.
Q: What sea creature can add?
A: An octoplus.
Q: Why did the dog run around in circles?
A: He was a watchdog and wanted to wind himself up.
Q: Who herded phantom sheep?
A: Little Boo Peep.
Q: What do you call a non-swimmer who falls in the river?
A: Bob.
Q: What did the coward say to the stamp?
A: “I bet I can lick you.”
Q: What do you call the person who mows the grass of a baseball field?
A: A diamond cutter.
Q: What do you call a rabbit on a diet?
A: Thinning hare.
Q: Why does a spider make a good baseball player?
A: Because its good at catching flies.
Q: What is a frog's favourite ballet?
A: Swamp Lake.
Q: Why was the cow going to the psychiatrist?
A: She had a fodder complex.
Q: Why did the pie crust go to the dentist?
A: It needed a filling
Q: What do you get from a funny cow?
A: Cream of Wit.
Q: What do you get from a forgetful cow?
A: Milk of Amnesia.
Q: What did the couch say halfway through the marathon?
A: “Sofa, so good.”
Q: Why did the fisherman go deaf?
A: He had problems with his herring.
Q: What do you get when you grill a Barbie doll?
A: A Barbieque.
Q: What vegetable is known as “The King of Rock 'n Roll”?
A: Elvis Parsley.
Q: What does a computer programmer eat for lunch?
A: An Apple.
Q: Why is it difficult to hold a conversation with a goat?
A: It always butts in.
Q: What's an undertaker's favourite time of day?
A: Mourning.
Q: Why did the man carry a mattress around on his back?
A: He wanted to have something to fall back on.
Q: What's black and white and never right?
A: A hockey referee.
Q: What do you call a monster with no neck?
A: The Lost Neck Monster.
Q: What bird has wings but cannot fly?
A: A roast turkey.
Q: What vegetable can you find in a toilet?
A: A leek.
Q: What do you call two banana peels?
A: A pair of slippers.
Q: Why was 2008 a good year for frogs?
A: It was a leap year.
Q: Why is grass dangerous?
A: It's full of blades.
Q: Who wrote 'The Angry Werewolf'?
A: Claudia Armoff.
Q: What's the best hockey team in the universe?
A: The All-Stars
Q: Who gets the most respect in a circus?
A: The tall man - everyone looks up to him.
Q: What did the police tell the mime when they arrested her?
A: “You have the right to remain silent.”
Q: What kind of bird works on a building site?
A: A crane.
Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with chewing gum?
A: Chicklets.
Q: Why did the farmer name his pig Ink?
A: Because it kept running out of the pen.
Q: Q: Are baseball umpires good eaters?
A: Yes - they always clean their plates.
Q: What branch of the army do babies join?
A: The infantry.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow with a volcano?
A: Udder disaster.
Q: Why did the computer wear glasses?
A: To improve its web sight.
Q: Why can't skunks keep secrets?
A: Because people are always getting wind of them.
Q: What do you call a tire salesperson?
A: A wheeler dealer.
Q: Why do oceans never go out of style?
A: They're always current
Q: When do Doctors get angry?
A: When they run out of patients.
Q: What job does a loon do in the forest?
A: He's a loon ranger.
Q: What did the dog do after he swallowed a firefly?
A: He barked with de-light.
Q: What do you get when you cross a hen with a banjo?
A: A chicken that plays a tune when you pluck it.
Q: What did the corn give his fiancée when he proposed?
A: An ear ring
Q: What part of a computer keyboard do astronauts like best?
A: The space bar.
Q: What kind of music do long-distance truckers listen to?
A: Cross-country music.
Q: What do you call a fish's date?
A: His gill-friend.
Q: What do you call a shark fin floating in your soup?
A: A dorsal morsel.
Q: What is commonly called brain food?
A: Noodle soup.
Q: How do you describe pedestrians in Los Angeles
A: Los Angeles dodgers.
Q: What is a history teacher's quiz show?
A: The Dating Game.
Q: What do you call a Roman emperor when he catches a cold?
A: Julius Sneezer.
Q: How did the police know the blacksmith's signature was a fake?
A: It was forged.
Q: What does a Doctor say to a patient who doesn't like his prescription?
A: “Suture self.”
Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A: “Thanks, I'll never part with it.”
Q: What did the paint give the wall on their 1st anniversary?
A: A new coat.
Q: What do you get when you cross Darth Vader's son with a hamburger?
A: A Luke Skywhopper.
Q: What happens when you throw a clock in the air?
A: Time's up!
Q: What do you call a polite snake?
A: A civil serpent.
Q: How do you get a mouse to smile?
A: Say cheese.
Q: What did the log say to the lumberjack?
A: “You give me a splitting headache.”
Q: When doesn't it matter if a sailor can't swim?
A: When he's not in the water.
Q: What do you call a dog that's out in the snow?
A: A chilli dog.
Q: Why did the outlaw see the Doctor?
A: He was a sick shooter.
Q: Which underwater creature is good at math?
A: An oct0-plus.
Q: What happened when the glassblower inhaled?
A: He got a pane in the stomach.
Q: What do you call a ten-foot ant?
A: A gi-ant.
Q: When is a shark dizzy?
A: When its head is swimming.
Q: Did you hear the joe-k about the chocolate cake?
A: Never mind, it's too rich for you.
Q: Why does the navy recruit so many opera singers?
A: Because they can handle the high Cs.
Q: Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They're practicing to be men.
Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming.
Q: What kind of tree has hands?
A: A palm tree.
Q: What looks like half a cat?
A: The other half.
Q: What do you call the history of a car?
A: An auto-biography.
Q: What does a porcupine have for lunch?
A: Prickled onions.
Q: Why aren't cannibals popular at weddings?
A: They insist on toasting the bride and groom.
Q: Why was the little shoe sad?
A: His mother was a loafer and his father was a sneaker.
Q: Q: What happens if you get vinegar in your ear?
A: You suffer from pickled hearing.
Q: What do you call a positive flea?
A: A hop-timist.
Q: What is bald but has its head covered?
A: A bald eagle.
Q: Why did the fish smell so bad?
A: Long time no sea.
Q: What did the sleeping pines do?
A: They knotted off.
Q: How did the man in the electric chair pay for his last meal?
A: He charged it.
Q: What happened to the 2 bedbugs that fell in love?
A: They got married in the spring.
Q: What do you call a whale band?
A: An orca-stra.
Q: Why was the fireman so upset?
A: He ran into an old flame.
Q: Why did it take the ant so long to get home?
A: It was 'uphill' all the way.
Q: What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: Halfway.
Q: What happened to the shark that swallowed a bunch of keys?
A: He got lockjaw.
Q: What does a nearsighted gingerbread man use for eyes?
A: Contact raisins.
Q: How did the wet Easter Bunny dry himself?
A: With a hare dryer.
Q: How do you make a rabbit stew?
A: Make it wait for three hours.
Q: How do you post a bunny?
A: By Hare mail.
Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Hoppy Easter.
Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: Egghead.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion?
A: A bunion.
Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A: A hot cross bunny.
Q: What does a bunny use when it goes swimming?
A: A hare-net.
Q: What's yellow, has long ears, and grows on trees?
A: The Easter Bunana.
Q: Who is the Easter Bunny's favorite movie actor?
A: Rabbit De Niro.
Q: Why are bunnies good at Math?
A: They can multiply so fast.
Q: Why did a rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered?
A: Because he was eggo-centric.
Q: Why did the bunny go to the dance?
A: To do the bunny hop.
Q: Why did the chocolate egg hide from the sun?
A: Not to melt.
Q: Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
A: It has four rabbits' feet.
Q: Why shouldn't you tell an egg a good joe-k?
A: It might crack up.
Q: Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?
A: You don't want to press your luck.
Q: If a band plays music in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightning?
A: The conductor.
Q: Why is eating at a restaurant on the moon boring?
A: Because there's no atmosphere.
Q: Where were English kings usually crowned?
A: On their heads.
Q: Why do some fishermen use helicopters to get their bait?
A: Because the whirlybird gets the worm.
Q: In a young boy, what is cleanliness next to?
A: Impossible
Q: What's the best way to improve a long speech?
A: Use shortening.
Q: What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo?
A: A bronco-saurus.
Q: What kind of snake loves dessert?
A: A pie-thon.
Q: Why does a frog have more lives than a cat?
A: Because it croaks every night.
Q: What is the healthiest source of water?
A: Well water.
Q: What do you call a grandfather clock?
A: An old timer.
Q: Why was the parrot wearing a raincoat?
A: So it would be poly-unsaturated.
Q: How did the window know which bugs were good?
A: She screened them.
Q: How did the snow pile get across the sea?
A: It went a-drift.
Q: What do they serve in the ocean?
A: Sponge cake.
Q: If athletes get athlete's feet, what do lifeguards get?
A: Undertoe.
Q: Do fish bite at sunrise?
A: No, they bite at worms.
Q: What's the best cure for insomnia?
A: Just keep sleeping it off.
Q: What does a skunk call his father's brother?
A: Skunkle.
Q: How do kittens shop?
A: From cat-alogues.
Q: How did the farmer feel when a bird pooped in his eye?
A: He was thankful that pigs can't fly.
Q: How does a scientist get ready for work?
A: He puts his genes on.
Q: Where are the Great Plains?
A: At the great airports.
Q: What do you call a python with the gift of the gab?
A: A snake charmer.
Q: How do vampires start a duel?
A: Drac to Drac.
Q: Where does the catcher keep his mitt?
A: In the glove compartment.
Q: What speaks every language?
A: An echo.
Q: Why did the fishing pole get into trouble?
A: It was playing hooky.
Q: What does a dentist call x-rays?
A: Tooth pics.
Q: What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
A: Bored.
Q: Why is six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven eight nine.
Q: Why did the baker work so hard?
A: He kneaded the dough
Q: How many peas are there in a pint?
A: There's only one P in 'pint'.
Q: What is a skunk's best defense against enemies?
A: Instinct.
Q: Why did the man climb up to the chandelier?
A: He was a light sleeper.
Q: How can you fix a short circuit?
A: Lengthen it.
Q: What side of a house gets the most rain?
A: The outside.
Q: What's a teacher's favourite food?
A: Graded cheese.
Q: Where is George Washington buried?
A: Underground.
Q: Why do dogs like to eat at Italian restaurants?
A: For the paws-ta.
Q: What do you call a female worm?
A: A worman.
Q: Which country has a very good appetite?
A: Hungary.
Q: What month is good on toast?
A: Jam-uary.
Q: Where does a homeless octopus live?
A: On squid row.
Q: What type of shoes do frogs wear?
A: Open toad sandals.
Q: Who wrote 'Keeping Snakes'?
A: Sir Pent.
Q: How is cat food sold?
A: Purr can.
Q: What do you call a dog that gets mail?
A: A labrador receiver.
Q: Does an apple a day keep the Doctor away?
A: Yes, if your aim's good enough.
Q: What do you call a dog that does experiments?
A: A lab-rador.
Q: What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
A: An elephant's shadow.
Q: What airline do monsters fly on?
A: British Scare-ways.
Q: How do you make gold soup?
A: Put 14 carrots in it.
Q: Where does a librarian sleep?
A: Between the covers.
Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.
Q: What do you call a fat chimp?
A: A chunky monkey.
Q: What do you call frozen mice?
A: Micicles
Q: Where do elephants go on vacation?
A: Tuskany.
Q: What candy is never on time?
A: Choco-late.
Q: What do you call a monkey with a bomb?
A: A baboom.
Q: Where does sour cream come from?
A: Discontented cows.
Q: What did the donkey that only had weeds to eat say?
A: “Thistle have to do.”
Q: What do you get when a hippopotamus plays in your room?
A: A hippopota-mess
Q: What does a comedian eat for breakfast?
A: Puncakes.
Q: How did the farmer fix his jeans?
A: With a cabbage patch.
Q: What's a runner's favourite subject in school?
A: Jog-raphy.
Q: When can a horse leave the hospital and go home?
A: When it's in stable condition.
Q: Where do ponies go when they're sick?
A: To the horse-pital.
Q: What never shows off about making honey?
A: A humblebee.
Q: What did the frog say at the dinner party?
A: “Time's fun when you're having flies.”
Q: What did the tree say to the grasshopper?
A: “You bore me.”
Q: What would happen if you swallowed uranium?
A: You'd get atomic ache.
Q: What is as annoying as a roaring river?
A: A babbling brook.
Q: What did the stove say to the pot?
A: “I can make things hot for you.”
Q: How does a broom act?
A: With sweeping gestures.
Q: What does a baseball umpire do before he eats?
A: He brushes off his plate.
Q: Who was the first swinger?
A: Tarzan.
Q: What's the difference between an umbrella and a person who never stops talking?
A: An umbrella can be shut up.
Q: What do you call a guy who smells like fish?
A: Poor sole.
Q: Why don't burn victims like to eat in hospitals?
A: The food makes their skin crawl.
Q: Why did the coffee cup go down to the police station?
A: To report that he had been mugged.
Q: Why did the bank teller cross the road?
A: He didn't have any cents.
Q: What do pans like to eat?
A: Pot pies.
Q: What is a frozen policeman?
A: A copsicle.
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
Q: What state covers more ground than any other?
A: Floor-ida.
Q: How do sailors get their clothes clean?
A: They throw them overboard and they wash ashore.
Q: How was the blind carpenter able to see?
A: He picked up his hammer and saw.
Q: What kind of meat doesn't stand up?
A: Lean meat.
Q: How is a burning candle like thirst?
A: A bit of water ends both of them.
Q: How can you tell if your Doctor's a quack?
A: By his large bill.
Q: What happens when you put a baby goat in a blender?
A: You get a crazy mixed-up kid.
Q: Where do ghouls go on vacation?
A: Lake Eerie.
Q: What happens if you play country music backwards?
A: Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Q: What do you call Eskimo cows?
A: Eskimoos.
Q: How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
A: One if it were long enough.
Q: What are southern fathers called?
A: Southpaws
Q: Who was older, David or Goliath?
A: David was older because he rocked Goliath to sleep
Q: How can you get in touch with a fish?
A: Drop him a line.
Q: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
A: It was a moth ball.
Q:
What do you call a girl lying in the middle of a tennis court?
A: Annette.
Q: Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?
A: They wear snow caps.
Q: What do you call artificial spaghetti?
A: Mockaroni.
Q: What flower grows on your face?
A: Tulips.
Q: What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A: A stomach-cake.
Q: What does an aardvark take for indigestion?
A: Anta-seltzer
Q: What did the Doctor tell the patient with chronic diarrhea?
A: “It runs in your family.”
Q: What do body odor and peaches have in common?
A: They both grow around pits.
Q: What happened to the boy who ate a thermometer?
A: He was dying by degrees.
Q: Where does Valentine's Day come after Easter?
A: In the dictionary.
Q: Why should you send your sweetheart a valentine on Valentine's Day?
A: Because you always heart the one you love.
Q: What did the man who loves his car do on February 14th?
A: He gave it a Valen-shine.
Q: What did the French chef give his wife on Valentine's Day?
A: A hug and a quiche.
Q: What do squirrels give each other for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.
Q: What did the boy pickle say to the girl pickle on Valentine's Day?
A: “You mean a great dill to me!”
Q: What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
A: Ughs and kisses.
Q: What did the farmer give his wife on Valentine's Day?
A: Hogs and kisses.
Q: What did the boy bee say to the girl bee on Valentine's Day?
A: “You are bee-autiful - will you bee mine?”
Q: What did the girl bee say to the boy bee on Valentine's Day?
A: “I love bee-ing with you!”
Q: What did the boy rabbit say to the girl rabbit on Valentine's Day?
A: “Your're no bunny 'til some bunny loves you!”
Q: What did the pork chop say to the steak on Valentine's Day?
A: “Nice to meat you!”
Q: What did the boy drum say to the girl drum on Valentine's Day?
A: “My heart beats for you!”
Q: What did the girl lightbulb to the boy lightbulb on Valentine's Day?
A: “You de-light me - I love you watts and watts!”
Q: What did the boy lightbulb to the girl lightbulb on Valentine's Day?
A: “Watts you see is watts you get!”
Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine's Day?
A: “Owl be yours.”
Q: What did the boy snake say to the girl snake on Valentine's Day?
A: “Give me a hug and a hiss, honey!”
Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine's Day?
A: “I love ewe!”
Q: What did the cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day?
A: “You're purrfect for me!”
Q: What did the boy bird sing to the girl bird on Valentine's Day?
A: “Let me call you tweetheart...”
Q: How did the Vampire call his sweetheart on Valentine's Day?
A: “Be my Ghoul-friend!”
Q: What did the boy whale say to the girl whale on Valentine's Day?
A: “Whale you be mine?”
Q: Why do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
A: They're very scent-imental.
Q: What did the boy bear say to the girl bear on Valentine's Day?
A: “I love you beary much!”
Q: Why did the cannibal break up with his Valentine?
A: She didn't suit his taste.
Q: What did the little boy bat say to his Valentine?
A: “I love hanging around with you.”
Q: Why did the boy jump up and down on his Valentine card?
A: He was told to stamp letters.
Q: What do you call a very small Valentine?
A: A Valentiny.
Q: What did Mary tell her little lamb?
A: “Ewe cannot be at school.”
Q: What did the hockey player ask the puck just before the game?
A: “Want to 'stick' around for a while?”
Q: How did Captain Hook meet his end?
A: He picked his nose with the wrong hand.
Q: What do you call a man who's been mauled by a tiger?
A: Gord.
Q: Who leads the wedding party when two bakers marry?
A: The flour girl.
Q: How do you say goodbye to a bad cold?
A: “Catch you later!”
Q: What do you call a werewolf professor?
A: A creature teacher.
Q: What did the turkey say to the dressing?
A: “I'm stuffed!”
Q: What birds are always sad?
A: Bluebirds.
Q: What's the most popular restaurant at the North Pole?
A: Brrrrr-grrrrrr King.
Q: What part of a car causes the most accidents?
A: The nut behind the wheel.
Q: Did you hear about the tree trimmer who wanted to be in show business?
A: Every time he took a bough, he took a bow.
Q: Why are false teeth like stars?
A: Because they come out at night.
Q: What animal talks a lot?
A: A yak.
Q: What do you call it when pigs do their laundry?
A: Hogwash!
Q: If you cross a dog and cat, what do you get?
A: An animal that chases itself.
Q: Why do you run faster when you have a cold?
A: You have a racing pulse and a running nose.
Q: How do you make a Venetian blind?
A: Stick a finger in his eye.
Q: Which end of a bus is it best to get off?
A: It doesn't matter - both ends stop.
Q: What did Delaware?
A: She wore her New Jersey.
Q: How did the Norse god take his temperature?
A: With a Thor-mometer.
Q: Why did Little Johnny cut a hole in the top of his umbrella?
A: So he could see when it stopped raining.
Q: Why is grape religious?
A: Because it comes from di-vine.
Q: What happened when the chimney got angry?
A: It blew its stack
Q: What kind of clothing does a pet dog wear?
A: A petticoat.
Q: How can you get a cow into a frying pan?
A: Use shortening.
Q: You never catch a cold going up in an elevator. True or false?
A: True - you come down with a cold, never up.
Q: What happened when the dog swallowed a watch?
A: He got a lot of ticks.
Q: Where do old tires end up?
A: On skid row.
Q: What's a good remedy for squeaky infants?
A: Baby oil.
Q: What did the computer say when the little lamb logged on?
A: “Ewe got mail.”
Q: Why were the police called when the chicken failed to cross the road?
A: Fowl play was suspected.
Q: What fish is a bargain?
A: A sailfish.
Q: Where does a vampire take a bath?
A: In the bat-room.
Q: How are a bad boy and a canoe alike?
A: They both get paddled.
Q: What would happen if you ate yeast and polish?
A: You would rise and shine.
Q: What do you call numerals that don't feel anything?
A: 'Numb'ers.
Q: What do you call a soup made of vegetables and chewing tobacco?
A: Spit pea soup.
Q: What do you do when the Doctor tells you you're iron-deficient?
A: You take up nail biting.
Q: When are people smartest?
A: During the day, because when the sun shines everything is brighter.
Q: What did one rug say to the other?
A: “I'm mat about you!”
Q: Why was the mother owl worried about her boy?
A: Because he didn't give a hoot about anything.
Q: How did the big mountain know that the little mountain was fibbing?
A: Because it was only a bluff.
Q: What do you call someone who always tells you about his future problems?
A: A misfortuneteller.
Q: What is a fast duck?
A: A quick quack.
Q: Did you hear about the burglar who broke into a baker's shop and ate 25 prune tarts?
He was on the run for days
Q: What's a cat's favourite colour?
A: Purr-ple.
Q: How do birds stop themselves in the air?
A: With air brakes.
Q: Why is playing Spanish guitar so easy?
A: Because all the music is written in the key of sí.
Q: Why are a grandfather's teeth like the stars?
A: Because they come out at night.
Q: What do you say to a sailor who's been on land for years?
A: “Long time no sea!”
Q: What did the syrup call her sweetheart?
A: Honey.
Q: Why aren't drummers very smart?
A: Because they're often cymbal-minded.
Q: What do you get when you eat a lollipop that has a mosquito on it?
A: A bloodsucker.
Q: Why did the letters cross the road?
A: It was EZ.
Confucius say: “Carry a rabbit in a storm and the wind'll blow the hare in your face.”
Q: What happened to the man with amnesia when he farted?
A: It all came back to him.
Q: What do you call a nun who goes sleep walking?
A: A Roamin' Catholic.
Q: How did the teacher get into a car accident?
A: She was grading papers on a curve.
Q: Why did the electrical plug-in have to stay home?
A: She was grounded.
Q: Where do baby apes sleep?
A: In apricots.
Q: What are taste buds?
A: The answer is right on the tip of my tongue.
Q: What do scientists use to get eels out of the ocean?
A: An eelbarrow.
Q: What do you get when a cow takes belly dancing lessons?
A: A milk shake.
Q: What did the Doctor say to his hungry patient?
A: “Would you like syrup on your pancreas?”
Q: What kind of vegetables could help you fly a kite?
A: String beans
Q: What should you tell your favourite history teacher?
A: “I've been waiting for ages to take this course!”
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal horse?
A: This one ate his own fodder.
Q: What fish do pelicans eat?
A: Anything that fits the bill.
Q: What causes baldness?
A: Lack of hair.
Q: What is a parasite?
A: Something you see in Paris.
Q: How does an octopus go to war?
A: Armed.
Q: What criminals can you find in a shoe store?
A: A pair of sneakers.
Q: Why does a squirrel spend so much time in trees?
A: To get away from all the nuts on the ground.
Q: What musical instrument doesn't tell the truth?
A: A lyre.
Q: Why did the man put his radio in the refrigerator?
A: So he could hear cool music.
Q: What makes joe-ks about knitting?
A: A nitwit.
Q: If you planted an angry cow, what would come up?
A: Crow-cusses.
Q: What do bullfighters use on their skin?
A: Oil of Olé.
Q: If there were a bank holdup, who would be the main witness?
A: The teller.
Q: How do you spell “80” with just two letters?
A: A T.
Q: Why were all the girl's boyfriends named William?
A: She's a bill collector.
Q: What's the difference between a person who lives in Australia and a person who sleeps under a feather quilt?
A: One's down under, and the other's under down.
Q: What did one skunk say to another?
A: “So do you!”
Q: How is a judge like an English teacher?
A: They both hand out long sentences.
Q: Why did the lady mouse want to move?
A: She was tired of living in a hole in the wall.
Q: If a millionaire sits on his gold, who sits on silver?
A: The Lone Ranger.
Q: Why don't centipedes play football?
A: By the time they get their shoes on, the game is over.
Q: What position did the pig play in football?
A: Swinebacker.
Q: Why does Tigger smell so bad?
A: Because he plays with Pooh.
Q: What time is it when you sit on your cat?
A: Time to get a new one.
Q: Why is Sunday the strongest day?
A: The others are weekdays.
Q: Who are the 3 unluckiest girls in the world?
A: Mis-chance, Mis-fortune, and Mis-hap.
Q: Why did the man put his car in the oven?
A: Because he wanted a hot rod.
Q: How long should an animal's legs be?
A: Long enough to reach the ground.
Q: What animals failed to come to Noah's Ark in pairs?
A: Worms. They came in apples.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lion and a mouse?
A: A mighty mouse.
Q: What's an astronaut's favourite meal?
A: Launch.
Q: Where does imitation leather come from?
A: From imitation cows.
Q: Where do spies do their shopping?
A: At the snooper market.
Q: How do you raise a kitten?
A: By its neck.
Confucius say: Worm that falls asleep in King Arthur's apple will wake up in middle of knight.
Q: How did Mother Computer scold PC Junior?
A: “Wait 'til your data gets home!”
Q: What did the boy say to the X-ray technician after swallowing a quarter?
A: “Do you see any change in me?”
Q: What made passengers hurry off the Greyhound?
A: A flea collar.
Q: What famous western sheriff started a chain of hotels?
A: Hyatt Earp.
Q: What does a chiropractor take at the end of his studies?
A: A spinal exam.
Q: Why did the pair of safety scissors fail her cutting test?
A: She didn't get the point.
Q: Where do mothers learn to feed their babies?
A: In nursery school.
Q: Why was the drama club put in detention?
A: They kept acting up.
Q: When do students fail driver's ed class?
A: When they're in a no-passing zone.
Q: What should farmers do if crows steal their corn?
A: Call the crops.
Q: Did you hear about the jealous broccoli?
A: It was green with envy.
Q: Why did the man buy his son a dachshund?
A: He wanted to get him a
down-to-earth pet.
Q: How do law students date?
A: They court each other.
Q: Why did the math teacher retire?
A: His number was up.
Q: Who was the first couple to study science?
A: Atom and Eve.
A: Why did the baby go to chemistry class
A: To learn formulas.
Q: What did the paper say to the pencil?
A: “Write on!”
Q: What does illegal mean?
A: A sick bird.
A: Did you hear about the composer who only worked in bed?
A: He composed sheet music.
Q: What are dogs' coats made of?
A: Mutt-erial.
Q: What golf equipment was out when attendance was taken?
A: Absent-tees.
Q: What do insects use to write reports?
A: Flypaper.
Q: What day of school is a child's favourite?
A: The last.
Q: What college to vines go to?
A: The Ivy League.
Q: Why should you always wear a watch in the desert?
A: Because they have springs in them.
Q: Which fish live in heaven?
A: Angelfish.
Q: What kind of ants would really spoil your picnic?
A: Elephants.
Q: Why do bananas never get lonely?
A: Because they go around in bunches.
Q: What do you call a snowman in the desert?
A: A puddle.
Q: Why did the police raid the refrigerator?
A: The milk went bad and the apples turned rotten.
Q: What do family members suffer from after dinner?
A: Dish-temper.
Q: What kind of stories do little horses read in kindergarten?
A: Ponytales.
Q: Who was the straightest man in the Bible?
A: Joseph. Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.
Q: Did you hear back from the man who just sold you the Nile River?
A: Egypt you.
Q: What happens when you cross a judge with poison ivy?
A: You get rash decisions.
Q: What do you sing at a birthday party where everyone gets sick from the cake?
A: “Happy Barf-day to you”.
Q: How do two kangaroos live?
A: Hoppily ever after.
Q: What kind of motorcycle do comedians ride?
A: A Yamaha-ha-ha.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a spider?
A: A harenet.
Q: What vegetable keeps the best musical rhythm?
A: The sugar beet.
Q: What's purple and surrounded by water?
A: Grape Britain.
Q: What do they call a bull that sleeps a lot?
A: A bulldozer.
Q: What ballet do squirrels like?
A: The Nutcracker.
Q: How do you know if someone has a fake eye?
A: It usually comes out in conversation.
Q: Why did the blueberry need a lawyer?
A: It was in a jam.
Q: Why did the army sergeant's car die?
A: Because its tank was empty.
Q: What did the audience do when the comedian bent over too far?
A: They cracked up.
Q: Where does an X always sit?
A: In the cross section.
Q: What's the best thing for a sick bird?
A: Tweetment.
Q: How can you tell which end of a worm is the head?
A: Tickle its tummy and see which end laughs.
Q: What type of father has no sole?
A: The barefoot type.
Q: How did the archer get to the contest?
A: He followed the arrows.
Q: Why did the chicken sit on the axe?
A: So she could hatch-et.
Q: Why is the blood in your body always sad?
A: Because no matter what it does, it always ends up in de-feat.
Q: Why are contortionists the nicest people on earth?
A: Because they'll bend over backward for you.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a kangaroo?
A: Pouched eggs.
Q: Which letter of the alphabet is always drunk?
A: The wobble-you.
Q: Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around?
A: Because time will tell.
Q: Why are the letter 'O' and 'N' important?
A: Because you can't get ON without them.
Q: What would the Swiss be without mountains?
A: Alpless.
Q: If you feed a cow on hundred dollar bills, what will you get?
A: Rich milk.
Q: Why did the wife understand her invisible husband?
A: Because she could see right through him.
Q: Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed?
A: Because he is lying.
Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: On the outside.
Q: What sits on the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: Why did the golfer change his socks?
A: Because he had a hole in one.
Q: What kind of skates wear out quickly?
A: Cheapskates.
Q: Where do cows go on vacation?
A: Cowlifornia.
Q: What do scorpions put on their hot dogs?
A: Scorpionions.
Q: What do you call a tarantula on ice skates?
A: A spider glider.
Q: What do you call stardust?
A: Twinkle sprinkle.
Q: Why was Sir Lancelot tired all the time?
A: Because he worked the knight shift.
Q: How did the beach get all wet?
A: The sea weed.
Q: What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A: A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
Q: What do you get if you cross a carpet with an elephant?
A: A deep pile in your living room.
Q: Why was Cinderella dropped from the football team?
A: She kept running away from the ball.
Q: How do you stop a cobra from striking?
A: Pay it a decent wage.
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk.
Q: What has four legs and one arm?
A: A rottweiler.
Q: Which criminal mastermind lives under the sea?
A: The Codfather.
Q: Q: Where are the Andes?
A: Attached to your wristies.
Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
A: As much space as you can
Q: Q: What do you always see at the end of everything?
A: g
Q: Why do carpenters have bad teeth?
A: They're always biting their nails.
Q: Why should you carry books on your head?
A: So the teacher can read your mind.
Q: What do you get when you lay a karate sash on a chair?
A: A seat belt.
Q: What award do you get for eating your vegetables?
A: The Nobel Peas Prize.
Q: Which insect does the best in English class?
A: The spelling bee.
Q: How did they know that the sewing machine was sick?
A: It just didn't seam right.
Q: What will you never find at the end of class?
A: The head of the class.
Q: What do you do if your meal is half cold?
A: Eat the other half.
Q: Which two English words have the most letters?
A: Post Office.
Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
A: Huge potholes all over Australia.
Q: Did you hear about the undertaker who buried a person in the wrong place?
A: It was a grave error.
Q: How do you know if a fly is a great American football player?
A: It's in the sugar bowl.
Q: When is a sheep like a dog?
A: When it has fleece.
Q: What kind of water greets you?
A: An ocean wave.
Q: Why did the plant get lost on its trip?
A: It took the wrong 'root'.
Q: What is a stupid ant?
A: An ignorant.
Q: What kind of band doesn't make music?
A: A rubber band.
Q: What did the bow say to the boy?
A: “You double-crossed me.”
Q: Why did the tightrope walker always carry his bank book?
A: In order to check his balance.
Q: Did you hear about the young cannibal who hated his teacher?
A: His mother suggested he try her with ketchup.
Q: What do accountants ride in?
A: A “tax-i”.
Q: Why did the dummy take the stairs to the 99th floor?
A: He wanted to come up the hard way.
Q: Did you hear about the manic-depressive who brought cherry pies to the bowling alley?
A: He was a bipolar pie bowler.
Q: Why is a fishing hook like the measles?
A: Because it's catching.
Q: What is the last thing you eat before you die?
A: You bite the dust.
Q: What does a duck wear when he gets married?
A: A duxedo.
Q: Why did the pig act up?
A: Because he was a big ham.
Q: Why do dentists tend to get fat?
A: Practically everything they touch is filling.
Q: What advice can you give a fish to avoid being caught?
A: “Don't fall for any old line.”
Q: What is a ghoul's favourite food?
A: Ghoulash.
Q: What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
A: A walkie-talkie.
Q: How do you tie something so you will always remember it?
A: With a “forget-me-knot.”
Q: What do puppies like to ride in?
A: Waggins.
Q: How do you know a sick frog when you see one?
A: He croaks out of both ends.
Q: What does a pig call his hot date?
A: Fine swine.
Q: Why didn't the crossword get the answer?
A: He was too puzzled.
Q: What do angry quilters make?
A: Cross stitches.
Q: What happened to the thief who stole from the blood bank?
A: He was caught red-handed.
Q: How do roads talk?
A: They use 'sign' language.
Q: What kind of electricity do they use in Israel?
A: Israelites.
Q: Why do doors sometimes stick?
A: Because of the door jam.
Q: How do you know that Edgar Allan Poe didn't have money?
A: Because he lived in the Poe house.
Q: Why did the boxer go to the library?
A: He wanted to hit the books.
Q: What drink do boxers like best?
A: Punch.
Q: What do you call a dead skunk?
A: Ex-stinkt.
Q: What do you give a sick frog?
A: A hoperation.
Q: What famous story was about an Australian reptile?
A: The Lizard of Oz.
Q: Why were the basketball players holding their noses?
A: Someone was taking a foul shot.
Q: What famous bus crossed the Atlantic?
A: Colum-bus.
Q: What's it called when two fish are sweet on each other?
A: Guppy love.
Q: What did the spaghetti say to the cheese at midnight?
A: “It's pasta my bedtime.”
Q: What meals to mathematics teachers like most?
A: Take aways.
Q: What did the tie say to the hat?
A: “You go on ahead while I hang around.”
Q: What happened to the robber who stole a lamp?
A: He got a light sentence.
Q: Did you hear about the plastic surgeon?
A: He stood in front of a fire and melted.
Q: What's the best cure for a headache?
A: Put your head through the window and the pane will go away.
Q: Where does dinnerware go on vacation?
A: To China.
Q: What's the last thing you see when a train goes by?
A: It's tracks.
Q: How can you tell when a cowboy is really upset?
A: He's at the end of his rope.
Q: Why did the door get fired?
A: It was lying down on the knob.
Q: In what kind of home does the buffalo roam?
A: A very dirty one.
Q: Where do cows go for their honeymoon?
A: Cow-lifornia.
Q: What does a dog sleep in when camping?
A: A pup tent.
Q: Why did they lock up the man who thought he was a bird?
A: He was a raven lunatic.
Q: What was everybody's favourite game at the leper colony?
A: Leperdy.
Q: Why did the chef put exactly 239 beans in his pot of chili?
A: Because one more would make it too farty (240).
Q: How did the cannibal like his guests?
A: Medium well.
Q: When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
A: When Moses received the two tablets.
Q: What do mice like to eat at barbecues?
A: Grilled cheese.
Q: What do you get when a steer eats a tadpole?
A: A bullfrog.
Q: What do you call a beautiful cat?
A: A glamour puss.
Q: What is a wet cat?
A: A drizzle puss.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a laughing hyena?
A: A giggle puss.
Q: Why can't you hit a stove a mile away?
A: Because it's out of range.
Q: Who is the most truthful man in Spain?
A: A bull fighter.
Q: Why is a book like a king?
A: They both have pages.
Q: How do you spell a hated opponent with three letters?
A: N M E.
Funny Book Titles
Q: Why did the computer go to the eye Doctor?
A: To improve its Web-sight.
Q: Why did the snake swallow the flashlight?
A: It wanted to shed some light.
Q: How do ducks relieve pain?
A: Quackupuncture.
Q: Which colour isn't afraid to take a lie detector test?
A: True blue.
Aunt Names
Q: What did the desperate golfer eat?
A: His sand-wedge.
Q: Why was the music teacher absent?
A: She had minor surgery.
Q: What do you call a singing reef?
A: Choral coral.
Q: What kind of school do carpenters attend?
A: Boarding school.
Q: What kind of school do fish attend?
A: Fin-ishing school.
Q: Why can't you take a turkey to Church
A: They use fowl language.
Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth rock.
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: He has the drumsticks.
Q: Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, a building can't jump at all.
Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims.
Q: If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
A: Their age.
Q: Where do bats stay while they're on vacation?
A: At the Caved Inn.
Q: How did beans affect Little Johnny's intestines?
A: They rectum.
Q: Why did the bee have to stay home?
A: It had hives.
Q: How does milk travel around?
A: In a 'car ton'.
Q: Why was the garbage man so sad?
A: Because he was down in the dumps.
Q: Why is a ruler the most stubborn of school supplies?
A: Because it's very narrow-minded.
Q: Why did the ice sculptor win an award?
Q: Why was the baker such a bad comedian?
A: His joe-ks were all stale.
Q: What does a bald eagle eat for breakfast?
A: Snake and eggs.
Q: What disease do art teachers get?
A: Pencilitis.
Q: What did the actor say when the trapdoor opened?
A: “Don't worry, it's just a stage I'm going through.”
Q: How should you dress on a cold day?
A: Quickly.
Q: Why did the school cook shout at the troll?
A: She saw him goblin his food.
Q: How do astronauts make Chinese food in outer space?
A: They take a space wok.
Q: What's a light-year?
A: A year when you don't have much to do.
Q: What do architects' kids play with?
A: City blocks.
Q: What do butchers' kids play with?
A: Chopping blocks.
Q: What do construction workers' kids play with?
A: Building blocks.
Q: What do novelist's kids play with?
A: Writers' blocks.
Q: What do psychiatrists' kids play with?
A: Mental blocks.
Q: What's a soap company's motto?
A: Grime does not pay.
Q: Where did King Midas live after he retired?
A: In a gold age home.
Q: What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?
A: A doc-topus.
Q: What is a semi's favourite sport?
A: Truck and field.
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Because they use honeycombs.
Q: What do you call a man who swims the English Channel twice without taking a bath?
A: A dirty double crosser.
Q: What did the horses do on Election Day?
A: They voted neigh.
Q: What direction does a sneeze travel?
A: Atchoo!
Q: Which city eats the most cherries?
A: Pitts-burgh.
Q: Why did the chauffeur do so well in school?
A: He had a lot of drive.
Q: What is the best way to make a fire with two sticks?
A: Make sure one of the sticks is a match.
Q: What country is good for skaters?
A: Iceland.
Q: For how long did Cain dislike his brother?
A: For as long as he was Abel.
Q: What two letters are bad for your teeth?
A: DK.
Q: What do you get if you cross a rabbit with a spider?
A: A hairnet.
Q: Why did the girl sit on her watch?
A: She wanted to be on time.
Q: What do you call a mouse that's the size of an elephant?
A: Enor-mouse.
Q: Where do blackbirds drink?
A: At a crowbar.
Q: Why does a man with very little money buy a short coat?
A: It will be long before he gets another.
Q: Why did the jelly roll?
A: Because it saw the apple turnover.
Q: Why did the Berlin Wall fall?
A: It wanted to go down in history.
Q: What do you get if you cross an eel and a sponge?
A: A shock absorber.
Q: Why are goldfish orange?
A: The water makes them rusty.
Q: What kind of music do welders like?
A: Heavy metal.
Q: What kind of music do ancient scribes like?
A: Rock 'n scroll.
Q: What kind of music do heroes like?
A: Heavy medal.
Q: What kind of music do demolition derby winners like?
A: Wreck 'n roll.
Q: What kind of music do balloons dislike?
A: Pop music.
Q: What kind of music do convicts dance to?
A: Rock 'n Parole.
Q: What did the tailor get when he crossed a fireplace with a vegetable?
A: A three-peas soot.
Q: Do cows often graze alone?
A: Herdly ever.
Q: What kind of canary does a bargain hunter look for?
A: A cheaper cheeper.
Q: Did Pinocchio win the race?
A: Yes, by a nose.
Q: What country in Africa is made up of two bars of soap?
A: Ivory Coast.
Q: Why did the farmer spend hours talking to his cornfield?
A: Because they were all ears.
Q: Why did the
moroff throw an apple into the air?
A: He wanted to see a fruit fly.
Q: Why did the shrub take a nap?
A: Because he was bushed.
Q: What does a kangaroo eat at the movies?
A: Hop-corn.
Q: What kind of truck does a frog drive?
A: A toad truck.
Q: Why do gardeners hate weeds?
A: Give weeds an inch and they'll take a yard.
Q: Where would you find a prehistoric cow?
A: In a moo-seum.
Q: What is the dirtiest word in the world?
A: Pollution.
Q: What do mice do in the daytime?
A: Mousework.
Q: What do you call a small wound?
A: A shortcut.
Q: Q: What do sleepy gardeners use?
A: Yawn mowers.
Q: What do you call wood that has nothing to play with?
A: Board.
Q: How do you spell mousetrap with 3 letters?
A: C-A-T.
Q: What time of day was Adam born?
A: A little before Eve.
Q: What is a thirsty physician?
A: A dry dock (doc).
Q: Can you spell eighty in two letters?
A: A T.
Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk and a bee?
A: An animal that stinks as it stings.
Q: Why is a flower dangerous?
A: Because it has a pistil.
Q: What do you call someone who won't spend money on a Jeep?
A: A Jeepstake.
Q: Why do dogs like trees so much?
A: They're attracted to the bark.
Q: What do you call someone who hates salad?
A: Antipasto.
Q: What game do elephants play with mice?
A: Squash.
Q: How did the golfer get his clothes pressed?
A: He used his '9 iron'.
Q: What did the giraffe say when he bent down to talk to the fish?
A: “Long time no sea!”
Q: What's a blob's favourite drink?
A: Slime-ade.
Q: When a knight dies in battle, what do they put on his gravestone?
A: Rust In Peace.
Q: How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
A: In an 'arrow plane.'
Q: What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
A: Going in one ear and out the other.
Q: What do you call a knight who picks his nose?
A: Sir Picks-a-lot.
Q: Where do tough chickens come from?
A: From hard-boiled eggs.
Q: What happened to the sardine when it didn't show up for work?
A: It was canned.
Q: Why are owls brave?
A: Because they don't give a hoot about anything.
Q: How do fish finish their floors?
A: They 'carp it.'
Q: Why did the mosquito get braces?
A: To improve his bite.
Q: What kind of school isn't in the front and isn't in the back?
A: A middle school.
Q: What do you call a leper who has good luck?
A: A leper-chaun.
Q: What do spider brides wear?
A: Webbing dresses.
Q: Why did the throat Doctor decide to quit her job?
A: Seeing all those tongues depressed her.
Q: What do you call a naughty glove?
A: A bad mitten.
Q: What kind of dance did the porch learn?
A: The two-step.
Q: Which grade keeps the best time?
A: 'Second' grade.
Q: What did the vampire eat after he had his teeth pulled?
A: The dentist.
Q: Why don't cannibals ever oversleep?
A: They don't want to be breakfast.
Q: What is a wizard's favourite subject?
A: Spell-ing.
Q: How can you get rich by eating?
A: Eat fortune cookies.
Q: What do you call nervous insects?
A: Jitterbugs.
Q: How did rich people get their money?
A: They were calm and collected.
Q: Why is a drama teacher like the Pony Express?
A: Because he is a stage coach.
Q: Why are goalkeepers always at the bank?
A: Because they're good savers.
Q: What's the most important lesson you learn in chemistry class?
A: Never lick the spoon.
Q: When do you have acute pain?
A: When you own a very pretty window.
Q: How do you hire a horse?
A: Put it on stilts.
Q: Where are crying children put?
A: In a bawl park.
Q: Why did the girl tear the calendar?
A: Because she wanted to take a month off.
Q: What did the cork say to the bottle?
A: “If you don't behave yourself, I'll plug you.”
Q: If an African lion fought an African tiger, who would win?
A: Neither - there are no tigers in Africa.
Q: Why should you listen to your father when he tells you not to pick your nose?
A: Father nose best.
Q: What do you call a dancing pig?
A: Shakin' bacon.
Q: What did the cat call the mouse?
A: Breakfast.
Q: What happened to the cannibal who ate a comedian?
A: He felt a little funny.
Q: What is the capital of Canada?
A: C.
Q: How many planets are there out in space?
A: All of them.
Q: What's purple and fixes pipes?
A: A plum-er.
Q: Why is mayonnaise never ready?
A: Because it's always dressing.
Q: Who has friends for lunch?
A: A cannibal.
Q: When is a veterinarian busiest?
A: When it rains cats and dogs.
Q: What did one angel say to the other angel?
A: “Halo.”
Q: What person is always in a hurry?
A: A Russian.
Q: What people like the end of a book?
A: The Finnish.
Q: What people travel the most?
A: Romans.
Q: Why do good bowlers play slowly?
A: Because they have time to spare.
Q: Why did the girl aim a cannon at the peas?
A: Because her mother told her to shell them.
Q: Why was Sir Lancelot tired all the time?
A: Because he worked the knight shift.
Q: What would happen if rabbits could drive cars?
A: We'd have hare pollution.
Q: What did one invisible man say to the other invisible man?
A: “It's nice not to see you again.”
Q: What did one mushroom say to another mushroom??
A: “When they made you, they broke the mold.”
Q: What happens to your toes when your foot falls asleep?
A: They become coma-toes.
Q: What do you call someone who studies hives?
A: A B-student.
Q: Why did the foal cough?
A: Because it was a little hoarse.
Q: Why do soccer players do so well in math?
A: They know how to use their heads.
Q: What does a baker do when he wants to sleep late?
A: He puts a “Doughnut Disturb” sign on his door.
Q: What did the compact disc player say to the CD?
A: “Wanna go for a spin?”
Q: Q: What do you call a bug that arrests other bugs?
A: A cop-roach.
Q: Why was the Tupperware salesman ruled out as a murder suspect?
A: He had an airtight alibi.
Q: What do you call someone who carries a dictionary in his jeans?
A: Smarty pants.
Q: How do fish go into business?
A: They start on a small scale.
Q: If the ruler of Russia was called the Czar and his wife the Czarina, what were his children called?
A: Sardines.
Q: Why doesn't Swede export cattle?
A: Because she wants to keep her Stockholm.
Q: Why did the invisible man go crazy?
A: Out of sight, out of mind.
Q: What kind of scientist invented soda pop?
A: A fizzicist.
Q: What do dolphins use to go on holiday?
A: The Whale Way.
Q: What did the boots say to the cowboy?
A: “You ride, I'll go on foot.”
Q: How do you describe an exhausted kangaroo?
A: Out of bounds.
Q: What flies, has stripes and is very clumsy?
A: A fumble bee.
Q: What kind of tests are fish good at?
A: Open-brook tests.
Q: What do dragons like most about school?
A: The fire drills.
Q: What type of automobile would an elephant drive?
A: One with plenty of trunk space.
Q: Why is 3 + 3 = 7 like your left foot?
A: It's not right.
Q: Why did the banana see the Doctor?
A: It wasn't peeling well.
Q: What happened to the man who struck a match by a gas main?
A: He rests in pieces.
Q: If the stork brings human babies, who brings the giant babies?
A: Cranes.
Q: Did you hear about the skunk who couldn't swim?
A: He stank to the bottom of the pool.
Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.
Q: How did the leper get into a car accident?
A: He left his foot on the gas pedal.
Q: How did Moses part the Red Sea?
A: With a sea saw.
Q: What do you call a mountain that boxes?
A: Rocky.
Q: How do school books communicate?
A: With pagers.
Q: What do you get when you cross a praying mantis with a termite?
A: A bug that says grace before eating your house.
Q: What do you say to a boomerang on its birthday?
A: “Many happy returns!”
Q: What does an elephant do when he hurts his toe?
A: He calls a tow truck.
Q: What lies on the ground one hundred feet in the air?
A: A sunbathing centipede.
Q: What's a pig's favourite ballet?
A: Swine Lake.
Q: What do you get from a cow with split personality?
A: Half and half.
Q: What kind of ribbon do politicians use?
A: Red tape.
Q: Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
A: It's always butting in.
Q: What do you call a pair of salesmen who go to jail?
A: Sell-mates.
Q: What kind of people go on diets?
A: People who are thick and tired of their weight.
Q: What type of team are dentists on?
A: The drill team.
Q: What do you call an Indian who doesn't laugh much?
A: Minnehaha.
Q: What did one paleontologist say to the other?
A: “I have a bone to pick with you.”
Q: Where's Moscow?
A: In the barn beside Pa's cow.
Q: Why couldn't anyone play cards on the Ark?
A: Because Noah sat on the deck.
Q: During what season do ants eat most?
A: Summer - that's when they go to a lot of picnics.
Q: What did the electric plug say to the wall?
A: “Socket to me!”
Q: On the ark, Noah got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
A: Quackers.
Q: How can you stop a dog from barking in the backyard?
A: Put him in the front yard.
Q: What do you get when you squeeze a curtain?
A: Drape juice.
Q: What does a baby snake play with?
A: A rattle.
Q: Why did the track star go to the school nurse?
A: He was feeling run down.
Q: Why did the alien do so well in school?
A: His grades were out of this world.
Q: What do you call a ladder's kid?
A: Its step child.
Q: What did the necktie say to the hat?
A: “You go on a-head. I'll hang around for a while.”
Q: What kind of dog hangs around bowling alleys?
A: A setter.
Q: When is a clock nervous?
A: When it is all wound up.
Q: Why are birds poor?
A: Because money doesn't grow on trees.
Q: What cake is as hard as a rock?
A: Marble cake.
Q: Why did the architect's enemies cover his blueprints with Reynolds Wrap?
A: They wanted to foil his plans.
Q: What do homes wear when it gets cold out?
A: House coats.
Q: How did the garbage man break up with his girlfriend?
A: He dumped her.
Q: Did you ever see the movie “Constipation”?
A: It never came out.
Q: What is the sharpest tool mentioned in the Bible?
A: The Acts of the Apostles.
Q: Why was Cinderella such a poor runner?
A: Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.
Q: How do you say goodbye to a palm tree?
A: Give it a frond farewell.
Q: What country mourns?
A: Wales.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and a pickle?
A: A picklepuss.
Q: Why was the calendar so scared?
A: His days were numbered.
Q: What do you call someone who steals pigs?
A: A hamburglar.
Q: If five dogs are chasing a cat down a street, what time is it?
A: Five after one.
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker?
A: Cover the floor with tacks.
Q: Why is an eye Doctor like a teacher?
A: They both test the pupils.
Q: What did the teacher give the cannibals?
A: Their firs taste of education.
Q: What is the quietest sport?
A: Bowling, because you can hear a pin drop.
Q: What did the nut say to the screw?
A: “Let's bolt.”
Q: Do possums really hang upside down from trees all night?
A: It's a 'possum-bility.'
Q: What do foot Doctors eat for breakfast?
A: Corn flakes.
Q: Why did the sword swallower switch to pins and needles?
A: He needed to lose weight.
Q: What do you get if you eat prune pizza?
A: Pizzeria.
Q: Do you have holes in your underwear?
A: No? Then how do you get your feet in?
Q: What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
A: Let's “snake” on it.
Q: What kind of book does a skunk like to read?
A: A best smeller.
Q: What do you call a lion without an eye?
A: A Lon.
Q: Why couldn't the two elephants go swimming on Thursday?
A: They only had one pair of trunks.
Q: What do you call a camel with three humps?
A: Humphrey.
Q: What drink always comes to your rescue?
A: Lemon-aide.
Q: What has bread on both sides and is easy to frighten?
A: A chicken sandwich.
Q: What comes from grapes and is highly explosive?
A: Wine-amite.
Q: What's tall, sweet, and French?
A: The trifle tower.
Q: Where does a snail like to eat lunch?
A: In a slow food restaurant.
Q: What did the fish teacher say to her school class?
A: “Attention, gills and buoys!”
Q: Why didn't the window have any money?
A: It was broke.
Q: What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
A: He got ticks.
Q: What did one cat call the other when he wouldn't play fair?
A: “Cheetah!”
Q: When is an operation funny?
A: When it leaves the patient in stitches.
Q: What does an artist do just before he dies?
A: Draws his last breath.
Q: Why did the fish get an award?
A: She was the smartest fish in her school.
Q: Why do people beat their clocks?
A: To kill time.
Q: hat did one firefly say to the other firefly when his light went out?
A: “Give me a push. My battery is dead.”
Q: Did you hear about the 2 silkworms who had a race?
A: It ended in a tie.
Q: How was the naughty train punished?
A: It had to write railway lines.
Q: What did one flea say to the other flea?
A: “Should we walk or take the cat?”
Q: What do you get when you cross a quilt with peanut butter?
A: A bed spread.
Q: What do you give a pig with pimples?
A: Oinkment.
Q: What do vampires eat at a baseball game?
A: Fangfurters.
Q: What astronaut did the most weightlifting?
A: Neil Arm-strong.
Q: Why are mosquitoes so annoying at night?
A: They like a bite to eat before bedtime.
Q: Why did the millionaire never shower?
A: He was filthy rich.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bag?
A: A knapsack.
Q: What kind of paper makes you itch?
A: Scratch paper.
Q: What do cats read?
A: Mews of the world in mewspapers.
Q: Why don't grapes ever get lonely?
A: They hang around in bunches.
Q: Where do mountains cook their food?
A: On mountain ranges.
Q: What is a liar's favourite month?
A: Fib-ruary.
Q: What do you call a gorilla who plays golf?
A: Hairy Putter.
Q: Why did the psychiatrist develop a split personality?
A: So he could see twice as many patients in a day.
Q: Why did the dummy invent a polygraph machine for puppies?
A: He couldn't let sleeping dogs lie.
Q: What is the cheapest way to buy holes?
A: Wholesale.
Q: What do crows sail in?
A: Crowboats.
Q: What fruit will never run away and get married?
A: A cantaloupe.
Q: Why are umpires so chubby?
A: Because they always clean their plate.
Q: What type of fruit has a built-in bed?
A: An apricot.
Q: What are a pirate's two favourite letters of the alphabet?
A: C and Arrrrrrrrr!
Q: What's a Norwegian's favourite type of car?
A: A fjord.
Q: If a truck horn goes “toot-toot,” what goes “>toot suite”?
A: A French horn.
Q: Why was the werewolf hired by the radio station?
A: Because he had the paws for station identification.
Q: Where do the smartest parrots live??
A: In the tropical brain forest.
Q: What do truck drivers do when the music starts?
A: Brakedancing.
Q: What did one side of the pants say to the other?
A: “Let's split!”
Q: Why do elves get indigestion?
A: They keep goblin their food.
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine.
Q: How can you recognize crazy rabbit stew?
A: It has hares in it.
Q: What are garbage collectors afraid of when the lights go out?
A: Things that go dump in the night.
Q: What's a 747's motto?
A: “If at first you don't succeed, fly, fly again!”
Q: What cowboy never said a word?
A: Quiet Earp.
Q: What do you call metric cookies?
A: Gram crackers.
Q: What's a good way to keep your house warm?
A: Put a coat of paint on it.
Q: Which singer worked as a gravedigger?
A: Bury Many-low.
Q: How do you make a flower grow faster?
A: Press the accelerator petal.
Q: What does Homer Simpson use to make bread?
A: D'oh!
Q: What problem do you get from eating too much?
A: You get thick to your stomach.
Q: Why did the pastor always videotape his sermons?
A: So he could watch them on instant repray.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cottontail and a frog?
A: A bunny ribbit.
Q: Why did the man put the trout on a plane?
A: He wanted to see flying fish.
Q: Where does success come before work?
A: In the dictionary.
Q: What famous baseball player always had the sniffles?
A: Hankie Aaron.
Q: What do kings ride around their castles?
A: Moatercycles.
Q: What do boxers wear to tell time?
A: Fist watches.
Q: Which NFL team would you not entrust with your valuables?
A: The Pittsburgh Stealers.
Q: What bear loves to wash his hair?
A: Winnie the Shampoo.
Q: What book has the most stirring chapters?
A: A cookbook.
Q: What knight always ran out of gas?
A: Sir Gallon-had.
Q: What athlete is never promoted?
A: The left back.
Q: What is a ringleader?
A: The first person in the bathtub.
Q: How does fast light travel?
A: The same way slow light travels.
Q: What's a hairline's motto?
A: “It's better to give than to recede.”
Q: How do baby fish know how to swim?
A: Finstinct.
Q: How do you hit slime?
A: With a sludehammer.
Q: Where do cars get the most flat tires?
A: At the fork in the road.
Q: What kind of ship carries lots of rabbits?
A: A hare-craft carrier.
Q: Why are locksmiths such good singers?
A: They're always in key.
Q: Why did the cannibal join the police force?
A: So he could grill his suspects.
Q: Why does a mouse like the letter 'S'?
A: It makes the 'cat' 'scat'.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A: A bricklayer.
Q: What do authors have when they're too nervous to write?
A: Page fright.
Q: Where are mashed potatoes buried?
A: In gravy yards.
Q: What kind of cologne did prehistoric man wear?
A: Aftercave lotion.
Q: How do baby fireflies learn math?
A: With flash cards.
Q: What people are like the end of a book?
A: The Finnish.
Q: Why must a Doctor keep his temper?
A: He can't afford to lose his patients.
Q: Why is a clergyman like a shoemaker?
A: Both try to save soles.
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T.
Q: Why do carpenters and plumbers write on sandpaper?
A: They like to give rough estimates.
Q: What was the greatest bet ever made?
A: The alpha-bet.
Q: Which Indian was in charge of facial tissues?
A: The hankie-chief.
Q: Which insect knows the most about computers?
A: The inter-gnat.
Q: What did the judge say when he got home from work?
A: “It's been a trying day!”
Q: What do you get if you cross a dolphin and a shark?
A: A dork.
Q: Who is the grossest monster?
A: Frankenslime.
Q: Where did King Arthur go for entertainment?
A: To a Knightclub.
Q: How do surfers greet each other?
A: With a tidal wave.
Q: What kind of fruit leaves holes in your tongue?
A: A porcupineapple.
Q: What do you get if you cross a python and an orange?
A: A fruit that squeezes its own juice.
Q: What kind of monster keeps getting lost?
A: A where wolf.
Q: Why are bunnies so good at math?
A: Because they multiply so quickly.
Q: What's half of infinity?
A: Nity.
Q: How many seconds are there in a year?
A: Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
Q: What do you get if you cross a fish with some Dutch cheese?
A: A barra-Gouda.
Q: If you use paper plates at a picnic, what kind of plates do you use indoors?
A: Indochina.
Q: What do you call an Oreo that has computer chips in it?
A: A smart cookie.
Q: What do chickens do on holidays?
A: Have peck-nics.
Q: What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey?
A: Drumsticks for everybody.
Q: Why did the hairdresser win the race?
A: She took a shortcut.
Q: What do you call an instruction manual for ventriloquists?
A: Dummies for Dummies.
Q: How did the lumberjack chop down a tree?
A: Axedentally.
Q: How big are centipedes?
A: One hundred feet long.
Q: Where do strawberries play their saxophones?
A: At jam sessions.
Q: What do you call a lizard that wins the lottery?
A: A chamelionaire.
Q: Where should you pay your car repair bill?
A: At the crash register.
Q: What's an easy way to double your money?
A: Look at it in a mirror.
Q: What's the worst vegetable to have on a boat?
A: A leek.
Q: Why is a strawberry like a book?
A: Because it is red.
Q: Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
A: He wanted to work overtime.
Q: How do whales cry?
A: They blubber.
Q: How do you start a flea race?
A: “One... two... flea... go!”
Q: Which traffic light is the bravest?
A: The one that doesn't turn yellow.
Q: Why did the robber take a shower?
A: He wanted a clean getaway.
Q: Which bone in your arm is called the humerus?
A: The funny bone.
Q: How do carpenters greet each other?
A: “House it going?”
Q: What does the sun put on gift packages?
A: A rain-bow.
Q: How can you tell when a cat has been using your computer?
A: The mouse pad is all chewed up.
If the Hamburger came from Hamburg, where in the world is Cheeseburg?
Q: How can you get breakfast in bed?
A: Sleep in the kitchen.
Q: What can't you get from a Kosher computer?
A: Spam.
Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: It made a web page.
Q: Why didn't the computer answer the question?
A: Because it lost its memory.
Q: What do you call a lion that's eaten your Dad's sister?
A: An aunt-eater.
Q: Why was the mother flea so upset?
A: Because her children were going to the dogs.
Q: Why is a toothless dog like a tree?
A: It has more bark than bite.
Q: What did the riverbed say to the ocean?
A: “My sediments exactly.”
Q: Who are the slowest creatures on Mars?
A: Snail-iens.
Q: What do baby architects play with?
A: City blocks.
Q: How do you get a baby astronaut to go to sleep?
A: You rock-et.
Q: What's the best way to revive a dying rodent?
A: Mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
Q: Why is it hard for leopards to hide?
A: Because they're always spotted.
Q: What does an ear of corn have when it gets dandruff?
A: Corn flakes.
Q: What do you serve a thirsty snake?
A: Cobra-Cola.
Q: How does a dog stop a VCR machine?
A: He hits the paws button.
Q: What kind of fish performs operations?
A: A sturgeon.
Q: What bug likes to play hockey?
A: A hockey tick.
Q: Why was the cannibal thrown out of school?
A: Because he was caught buttering up the teachers.
Q: Why is the cello the easiest instrument to make?
A: They use a cello mold.
Q: Why did the small bucket go see the school nurse?
A: It was looking a little pail.
Q: Why is the banana so popular?
A: Because it has appeal.
Q: What Star Wars movie features a classical composer?
A: The Empire Strikes Bach.
Q: What green dip do ducks eat at parties?
A: Quack-amole.
Q: What laughing animal is the most friendly?
A: A hi-ena.
Q: What does an elephant call his father's sister?
A: Eleph-Aunt.
Q: What is a tailor's favourite drink?
A: Sew-da.
Q: What do you call a horse behind bars?
A: A zebra.
Q: What do you call a baked salmon?
A: A fish dish.
Q: What do you call a nice perfume?
A: A swell smell.
Q: If a bee gives us honey, what do we get from a wasp?
A: Waspberry jam.
Q: What do you call a symphony?
A: A long song.
Q: What is an expert on seltzer called?
A: A fizzician.
Q: How do Arabs like to dance?
A: Sheik to Sheik.
Q: Where does a sheep go for a haircut?
A: To a baa-baa shop.
Q: Did you hear the joe-k about the pencil?
A: It was pointless.
Q: Why are eagles cleverer than chickens?
A: Ever heard of Kentucky Fried Eagle?
Q: What is the silliest place on the planet?
A: Twitzerland.
Q: What do you use in a jungle birthday cake?
A: Tarzipan.
Q: Why did the waiter always win at tennis?
A: He had the best serve.
Q: Why did the toilet go to the Doctor?
A: It was feeling flushed.
Q: What do you call an unexciting pig?
A: A boar.
Q: How does a dentist remove a vampire's fangs?
A: With vampliers.
Q: What do you call the life story of a car?
A: An auto-biography.
Q: Why didn't the computer finish its sandwich?
A: It only wanted a little byte.
Q: How do you stop a rhinoceros from charging?
A: Take away its credit card.
Q: What kind of movies do ducks like best?
A: Duck-umentaries.
Q: What's round and bad-tempered?
A: A vicious circle.
Q: What sizes do skunks come in?
A: Large, medium, and smell.
Q: What do you write on a robot's gravestone?
A: Rust in piece.
Q: What do moose read in the morning?
A: The moose-paper.
Q: Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills
Q: When do cows use doorbells?
A: When their horns don't work.
Q: Why was the student's report card wet?
A: It was below C level.
Q: Who tells the best egg joe-ks?
A: A comedi-hen.
Q: Why does Mount Everest have such good hearing?
A: It has plenty of mountain ears.
Q: Why did the bull rush?
A: Because it saw the cow slip.
Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
Q: Did you hear about the constipated musician?
A: He couldn't finish his last movement.
Q: Which kind of books do racecar drivers read in school?
A: Auto-biographies.
Q: Why did the shoelace get sent to the principal's office?
A: It was acting knotty.
Q: What does a pig do after school?
A: Ham work.
Q: What do spider brides wear?
A: Webbing dresses.
Q: Where is the best place to shop for a kitten?
A: In a cat-alog.
Q: What do you get when you play cards under a chestnut tree?
A: A shady deal.
Q: What do you get when you cross moles and donkeys?
A: Molasses.
Q: What kind of lions are the best swimmers?
A: Sea lions.
Q: What fish is the most spiritual?
A: The holy mackerel.
Q: Why did the snake work at the gas station?
A: He was a windshield viper.
Q: What sign does a monster put up when he goes on vacation to a lake?
A: “Goon Fishin'!”
Q: What fruit studies for exams in a hurry?
A: Cramberries.
Q: What is the main ingredient of dog biscuits?
A: Collie-flour.
Q: What did the sea say to the shore?
A: Nothing. It just waved.
Q: What's a computer sign of old age?
A: Loss of memory.
Q: What did Noah say when all the animals were on the ark?
A: “Now I've herd everything!”
Q: Why are mosquitoes so annoying?
A: They have a way of getting under your skin.
Q: What does a clock do when it's hungry?
A: It goes back four seconds.
Q: What trees make good pets?
A: Dogwoods and pussy willows
Q: Why wasn't the girl afraid of the shark?
A: Because it was a man-eating shark.
Q: Why did the mother parrot scold the baby parrot?
A: For not talking back.
Q: What's the most stressful part of school?
A: De-tension.
Q: What service did the shirt add to its phone?
A: Collar ID.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: “Get dressed, the Doc's taking us out tonight!”
Q: What happened when the guy with acne went to jail?
A: He broke out.
Q: Why did the potatoes have an argument?
A: They couldn't see eye to eye.
Q: If your Dad told
dubm joe-ks, what would you call him?
A: Pop Corn.
Q: What was the wise old fish's favourite saying?
A: “All's whale that ends whale!”
Q: Why did the farmer laugh when his cow fell over a cliff?
A: He knew there was no point in crying over spilt milk.
Q: What kind of bees make great Chinese food?
A: Wok-ker bees.
Q: Why did the zoo get rid of the owl?
A: He didn't give a hoot.
Q: Where do cows and chickens go to get medicine?
A: To a farm-acist.
Q: What do you call a single piece of firewood?
A: A mono-log.
Q: What do aliens roast over a campfire?
A: Martian-mallows.
Q: What would happen if a piano fell on you?
A: You would B-flat.
A woman once stole a calendar and got twelve months.
Q: What did the tornado take to the movies?
A: Its whirlfriend.
Q: Who serves ice cream faster than a speeding bullet?
A: Scooperman.
Q: Which animal is always laughing?
A: A happy-potamus.
Q: What did the toilet say to the sink?
A: “I'm feeling a little flushed.”
Q: Why is a crossword puzzle like a quarrel?
A: Because one word leads to another
Q: Why was the slime monster so proud of himself?
A: He got listed in “Ooze Who.”
Q: Why don't vampires like steak?
A: It goes right through them.
Q: What did the mountain climber tell her stinky boots to do?
A: “Take a hike!”
Q: What do beekeepers come down with?
A: Hives.
Q: What does Mickey Mouse come down with?
A: Disney spells.
Q: What do chimneys come down with?
A: The flu.
Q: What do dancers come down with?
A: Ballet-aches.
Q: What does a jigsaw puzzle do after a bad experience?
A: It tries to pick up the pieces.
Q: What does an embryo do when it's hungry?
A: It calls womb service.
Q: What's a golfer's favourite bug?
A: A caddy-pillar.
Q: Where do restless travelers like to go?
A: Rome.
Q: How did the woman feel after she got run over by a car?
A: Tired.
Q: What did the wig say to the head?
A: “I've got you covered.”
Q: What animals didn't come on the ark in pairs?
A: Worms. They came in apples
Q: What kind of puzzle makes people angry?
A: A crossword puzzle.
Q: What insect does a blacksmith make?
A: The firefly.
Q: Which is the fastest fish in the water?
A: The motor pike.
Q: What do you call the girl who stands behind the goal at soccer practice?
A: Annette.
Q: What do you call a worker with a shovel on his head?
A: Doug.
Q: What do you call a worker without a shovel on his head?
A: Dougless.
Q: What do you call a mechanic with a car on his head?
A: Jack.
Q: What do you call a plumber with a toilet on his head?
A: Lou.
Q: What do you call a female plumber with two toilets on her head?
A: Lulu.
Q: What do you call a man with a lighthouse on his head?
A: Cliff, as in: “Hi, my name's Cliff - drop over some time!”
Q: What do you call a worker called Richard with a road roller on his head?
A: Flatrick.
Q: What do you call a woman who has one leg shorter than the other?
A: Eileen.
Q: Why were the kids in computer class scratching their heads?
A: They had internits.
Q: What did the little vampire have with his apple pie in the school cafeteria?
A: Vein-illa ice cream.
Q: What happened to the carpentry teacher's car?
A: Wooden start.
Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxis.
Q: What subject are owls best at in school?
A: Owlgebra.
Q: How did the Roman empire eventually divide in two?
A: It was cut by a pair of Caesars.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lizard and a baby?
A: A creepy crawler.
Q: What game do cannibals play?
A: Swallow the leader.
Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?
A: A box of quackers.
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym?
A: To get better buns.
Q: What do you call an elephant that flies?
A: A jumbo jet.
Q: What does a queen bee do when she burps?
A: Issues a royal pardon.
Q: What does an angry kangaroo do?
A: Get hopping mad.
Q: Why shouldn't you put gel on your hair the day before an exam?
A: If you did, the answers might slip your mind.
Q: Who didn't invent the airplane?
A: The Wrong Brothers.
Q: What is a myth?
A: A female moth.
Q: What do you call a fairy who hasn't taken a bath?
A: Stinkerbell.
Q: What did Snow White say while she waited for her photos?
A: “Some day my prints will come.”
Q: What do you call a musical automobile?
A: A car-toon.
Q: What did the absent-minded skunk say when the wind changed direction?
A: “Ah, it's all coming back to me now.”
Q: What did the damsel in distress say to the knight?
A: “Don't just sit there, slay something!”
Q: Why do cats chase birds?
A: For a lark.
Q: Where do bees go on vacation?
A: Stingapore.
Q: What did the big flower say to the little flower?
A: “Hi, bud.”
Q: Why did the termite put on pajamas?
A: He was going to a lumber party.
Q: Where does a robot go on holiday?
A: Wireland
Q: Why was the cat so small?
A: It only drank condensed milk.
Q: What country do cows love to visit?
A: Moo Zealand.
Q: Where did King Tut go to cure his back pain?
A: To the Cairo-practor.
Q: Why do radio and TV announcers need small hands?
A: They have wee paws for station identification.
Q: In which period of history did nerds rule the world?
A: In the Dork Ages.
Q: What ant is the youngest?
A: An inf-ant.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur that knows all the words?
A: A thesaurus.
Q: What does an electrician drive?
A: A voltswagon.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat and a tree trunk?
A: A catalog.
Q: What do you call two Doctors?
A: Pair-a-medics.
Q: How do you make anti-freeze?
A: Take away her blanket.
Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: To get to the bottom.
Q: What's green and loud?
A: A froghorn.
Q: What does a vegetarian's car run on?
A: Aspara-gas.
Q: Who are the most popular boys in school?
A: Art and Gym.
Q: Why did the lobster study so hard?
A: He wanted to go to claw school
Q: Where do cats like to go on vacation?
A: The Canary Islands.
Q: What do you call a lazy baker?
A: A loafer.
Q: What happened to the man who stole ten bars of soap?
A: He made a clean getaway.
Q: What's the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
Q: How do you identify a bald eagle?
A: All his feathers are combed to one side.
Q: What do Chinese cannibals eat?
A: Chap suey.
Q: What is the best place on a ship to watch for whales?
A: On the Moby Deck.
Q: What did the sign in Caesar's kitchen say?
A: “Rome Sweet Rome.”
Q: Where does Robin Hood buy flowers for Maid Marian?
A: At the Sherwood Florist.
Q: What do cobras like best about going to the movies?
A: The snake previews.
Q: Why did the mosquito join a rock band?
A: To be the lead stinger.
Q: Why was the vampire thin?
A: He ate necks to nothing.
Q: What's the funniest car on the road?
A: The joe-kswagon.
Q: Where do Volkswagons go when they're junked?
A: To the Old Volks Home.
Q: What did the bankrupt skunk say?
A: “I'm down to my last scent.”
Q: What's an autobiography?
A: A car's life story.
Q: What did one Martian say to the other as they approached earth?
A: “You'll like this place - it has atmosphere.”
Q: What did the termite say when the house burned down?
A: “Barbecue tonight.”
Q: Where do tadpoles change?
A: In the croakroom.
Q: Why did the boa constrictors date?
A: They had a crush on each other.
Q: What did the frog say to the toad?
A: “Warts new?”
Q: What did the acrobat say to the tightrope?
A: “Hi, wire.”
Q: What do you call a mouse that's almost as big as an elephant?
A: Enor-mouse.
Q: What is a tiger's favourite day?
A: Chews-day.
Q: Where does a ship sick go?
A: To the dock.
Q: What did the egg say to the clown?
A: “Your joe-ks crack me up!”
Q: Why did the tiger spit out the clown?
A: He tasted funny.
Q: Why do some monkeys sell potato chips?
A: Because they're chipmonks.
Q: Why do candle-makers only work two days a week?
A: They only work on wick-ends.
Q: What does it mean when you find a lucky horseshoe?
A: One unlucky horse is going barefoot.
Q: What do you call a city with a million eggs?
A: New Yolk City.
Q: What animal can jump higher than a mountain?
A: Any animal. Mountains can't jump.
Q: What did one tired flea say to the other after a long night of dancing?
A: “Shall we walk home or take a dog?”
Q: Why did the judge send the turtle to jail?
A: Because he was known as a hard case.
Q: What are the best kites made of?
A: Flypaper.
Q: How many skunks does it take to smell up the neighbourhood?
A: Just a phew.
Q: What is the brightest day of the week?
A: Sun-day.
Q: What always goes to bed with shoes on?
A: A horse.
Q: Why are most cows noisy?
A: Because they have horns.
Q: Which mouse was a Roman emperor?
A: Julius Cheeser.
Q: What do you call a baby rifle?
A: A son of a gun<.
Q: What did the vampire say to the dentist?
A: “Fangs very much.”
Q: How did the goat stay dry in the rainstorm?
A: He put on his rain-goat.
Q: How does a chicken mail a letter?
A: In a hen-velope.
Q: Which bird is always out of breath?
A: A puffin.
Q: How does a crow talk to a canary?
A: Through an in-chirp-reter
Q: What do snakes do after a fight?
A: Hiss and make up.
Q: What does a cannibal order when he goes to a restaurant?
A: The waiter.
Q: Why were the two blood cells so unhappy?
A: They loved in vein.
Q: How did the rocket lose its job?
A: It got fired.
Q: What do you get if you cross a porcupine with twins?
A: A prickly pear (pair).
Q: How do Arabians dance?
A: Sheik to sheik.
Q: What do you call a Hindu wiseman from Australia?
A: A kanguru.
Q: Who grows cucumbers for a pickle factory?
A: The farmer in the dill.
Q: What does a grizzly bear take on a trip?
A: The bear essentials.
Q: Where do homeless dogs go?
A: To the arphanage.
Q: What do camels use to hide from enemies?
A: Camelflage.
Q: Who makes up joe-ks about knitting?
A: A nitwit.
Q: Where does a snowflake dance?
A: At the snowball.
Q: Who brings the monster's babies?
A: Frankenstork.
Q: Why would you iron a four-leaf clover?
A: To press your luck.
Q: What's the best way to send a letter to the Easter Bunny?
A: By hare mail.
Q: How did Moses describe Egypt's treatment of his people?
A: Un-pharaoh.
Q: What would happen if you threw a white rock into the Red Sea?
A: It would get wet.
Q: What grade did God give the Pharaoh?
A: A big red “C”.
Q: What holiday is like a hand?
A: Palm Sunday.
Q: What tastes sweet and has big sharp teeth?
A: A chocodile.
Q: Why are Scouts so tired on April Fool's Day?
A: Because they've just had a 31-day March.
Q: What holiday do babies love?
A: April Drool's Day.
Q: What holiday does Oliver Twist love?
A: April Gruel's Day
Q: What do Indians use to catch frogs?
A: A toadempole.
Q: What do you get if you cross a goat with a baby cow?
A: Half and calf.
Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
A: “Do these genes make me look fat?”
Q: What music does King Neptune like?
A: Sole
Q: What's the best day to have a stick of gum?
A: Chews-day.
Q: What happens when a cat eats a lemon?
A: It turns into a sourpuss.
Q: Where does a snail eat?
A: In a slow food restaurant.
Q: What would you get if you crossed an Irish cook with an Italian cook?
A: Stew-ghetti.
Q: Why do frogs have it made?
A: Because they eat what bugs them.
Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: “I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand!”
Q: What happened after the girl drank eight sodas?
A: She burped 7-UP
Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.
Q: What do you get if you cross a galaxy and a toad?
A: Star warts
Q: Do we get fur from a skunk?
A: Yes, as fur away as possible.
Q: Why don't Amish people water ski?
A: The horses would drown.
Q: Why is a hill unlike a pill?
A: A hill is hard to get up and a pill is hard to get down.
Q: What do penguins use for fishing?
A: The south pole.
Q: Where does a pig leave its car when it takes the train?
A: In a Pork and Ride.
Q: What is the best kind of animal to take on long road trips?
A: A car pet.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk so fast when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: Why should a fisherman always be wealthy?
A: Because all his business is net profit.
Q: Why is a karate blow like a piece of meat?
A: Because it is a poke chop.
Q: What do you do for a sore pig?
A: Put on some oinkment.
Q: Why shouldn't you have a short walking stick?
A: Because it can never be-long to you.
Q: What is the best way to groom a pet rodent?
A: Use mouse-wash.
Q: Where do rich cooks live?
A: Beverly Grills.
Q: How do you spell mousetrap with only three letters?
A: C-A-T.
Q: How do bees telephone one another?
A: They give each other a buzz.
Q: What dessert do birds like best?
A: Chocolate “chirp” cookies.
Q: What do you call it when a rabbi, a priest, and a minister hold a service together?
A: A triple pray.
Q: What do baby cats wear?
A: Dia-purrs.
Q: How do you clean a tuba?
A: With a tuba toothpaste.
Q: What do you do with crude oil?
A: Teach it good manners.
Q: Why should an elephant carry a key?
A: To unlock its trunk.
Q: What do you call a guy who's been dropped into the middle of the ocean?
A: Bob..
Q: Why is Cinderella bad at sports?
A: Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and she runs away from the ball.
Q: How do you get an astronaut's baby to fall asleep?
A: Rocket.
Q: How did the scientist invent bug spray?
A: She started from scratch.
Q: What do bears eat?
A: Bear-ies.
Q: How did the farmer get the seeds to stay in the ground?
A: He sewed them in.
Q: What do moose do at a concert?
A: Make moosic.
Q: Why are movie stars such cool people?
A: They have many fans.
Q: How can you cook chicken that really tickles the palate?
A: Leave the feathers on.
Q: How did Moses cut the sea in half?
A: With a sea-saw.
Q: What's the catchiest thing in baseball?
A: The gloves.
Q: Where do geologists go to relax?
A: Rock concerts.
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: Because the farmer milks them dry.
Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A: A woolly jumper.
Q: Why did the birthday girl bring toilet paper to her party?
A: She was a party pooper.
Q: How can bats fly without bumping into anything?
A: They use their wing mirrors.
Q: Where do sharks like going on holidays?
A: Finland.
Q: Why did the alien buy a twisted spaceship?
A: He wanted to travel at warp speed.
Q: What do you get when you cross a car with a cow?
A: An automoobile.
Q: What do elves eat at parties?
A: Fairy cakes
Q: Why don't you have to worry what you say to the werewolf computer engineer?
A: His bark is worse than his byte
Q: What do you get if you cross a brain surgeon with a herd of cows?
A: Cow-operation.
Q: What do you call a man who's been mauled by a tiger?
A: Gord.
Q: What kind of door does a chiropractor have?
A: A back door.
Q: How does a fortune teller like her steak cooked?
A: Medium.
Q: What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: Why are aliens good for the environment?
A: Because they are green.
Q: What do you call a nervous insect?
A: A jitterbug.
Q: Why was the monster scared of the computer?
A: Because its memory had a killer bite.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: Which insect can tell your fortune?
A: A gypsy moth.
Q: What do bees chew?
A: Bumble gum.
Q: What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
A1: You can't tuna fish.
A2: Yes, you canned!
Q: Why don't anteaters ever get ill?
A: Because they are full of antibodies.
Q: What do you say to a hitchhiking angel?
A: “Harp in!”
Q: How do you grow a werewolf?
A: Use lots of fur-tilizer.
Q: When is a basketball player like a baby?
A: When he dribbles.
Q: What do clouds wear in their hair?
A: Rainbows.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bag?
A: A knap sack.
Q: How does a skunk defend itself?
A: By instinct.
Q: How do seals say goodbye?
A: “Seal you later!”
Q: What stays hot in a refrigerator?
A: A hot dog.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a sheep and a banana?
A: A baa-nana.
Q: Who made King Arthur's round table?
A: Sir Cumference.
Q: What kind of monkey flies?
A: A hot-air baboon.
Q: What is red and cheeky?
A: Tomato sauce.
Q: Which letter of the alphabet is also a vegetable?
A: P.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Albino Moose with a Rhinoceros?
A: Al-i-bino!
Q: What do amphibians play late at night?
A: Sleepfrog.
Q: Why did the man eat the chandelier?
A: He was on a light diet.
Q: What month is good for toast?
A: Jamuary.
Q: If a butcher is six foot tall what does he weigh?
A: Meat.
Q: What is a chef's favourite dog?
A: A chow.
Q: Why wouldn't the insurance company pay out claims after the earthquake?
A: They had a no-fault policy
Q: What do astronauts do when they get dirty?
A: They take a meteor shower.
Q: What do you call a man with loads of money?
A: Rich.
Q: Which part of a fish weighs the most?
A: The scales.
Q: Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player?
A: Because love means nothing to them.
Q: Where do chickens live when they're in the Arctic?
A: In Eggloos.
Q: Why do toolmakers always escape from fires?
A: They know the drill.
Q: What did the scientist get when he crossed a clock and a rooster?
A: An alarm cluck.
Q: Where do they take care of sick parrots?
A: In a polyclinic.
Q: What do you say to an angry monster?
A: No need to bite my head off!
Q: Why did the lion feel sick after every meal?
A: It's hard to keep a good man down.
Q: What does a rabbit drink on a cold day?
A: Hop chocolate.
Q: What is Frosty the Snowman's favourite part of the cake?
A: The icing.
Q: What did the river say to the chef?
A: “Your meals make my mouth water.”
Q: What do you get if you cross an anteater with a dog?
A: An aardbark.
Q: Why do bananas use suntan oil?
A: Because they peel.
Q: What do you get when you cross Italian cheese with paste?
A: Mozzarella sticks.
Q: What happened when the cat swallowed a penny?
A: There was a little money in the kitty.
Q: Why did the biscuit hurry to school?
A: It didn't want to miss roll call.
Q: What's a boring lizard called?
A: A crocodull.
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In a snowbank.
Q: Why did the woman cross a hyena with a parrot?
A: So she could ask him what he was laughing about.
Q: What is the highest form of animal life?
A: A giraffe.
Q: What is a walkway on an island?
A: An isle aisle.
Q: How does a carpenter eat?
A: He bolts his food.
Q: What happened when the magician did a scary trick?
A: His hare stood on end.
Q: What do you call a vampire pig?
A: Frankenswine.
Q: What does a magician say when he takes a picture?
A: “Focus pocus.”
Q: What would you get if you blew your hair dryer down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.
Q: Why don't fish play tennis?
A: They always get caught up in the net.
Q: What creature sticks to the bottom of sheep ships?
A: Baaaa-nacles.
Q: Why are alien gardeners so good?
A: Because they have green thumbs.
Q: Why did the baseball rookie have coal on his face?
A: He just came up from the miners.
Q: What do you call a famous archer?
A: A shooting star.
Q: Why did the snake become a priest?
A: He got the coiling.
Q: Why didn't the hotdog star in the movie?
A: The roll wasn't good enough.
Q: What did the dentist give to the brass band?
A: A tuba toothpaste.
Q: What do you call two people who embarrass you at Open House?
A: Mom and Dad.
Q: What kind of movies do frogs like?
A: Sci-fly.
Q: Who runs the biggest underwater circus in the world?
A: Barnacle and Bailey.
Q: What happens when you fall in love with a clockmaker?
A: She two-times you.
Q: Did you hear about the outlaws who went skydiving?
A: They had a chute out.
Q: What does a nut say when it sneezes?
A: Cashew.
Q: What do you call a cow that can't give milk?
A: An udder failure.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Shakespeare play and 3 eggs?
A: Omelette.
Q: What do you get if you put ham in your omelet?
A: Hamlet.
Q: What player on a baseball team pours lemonade?
A: The pitcher.
Q: What do you call a baby turkey?
A: A goblet.
Q: What do you call an insect manager?
A: A roach coach.
Q: What kind of bee can't make up its mind?
A: A may-bee.
Q: What do you get if you cross a pecan and a lobster?
A: A nut that can crack itself open.
Q: What daytime dramas do dummies watch?
A: Dope operas.
Q: Why do dogs run in circles?
A: It's hard to run in squares.
Q: Why did the cucumber hire a lawyer?
A: Because it was in a pickle.
Q: What is a fungi?
A: A mushroom that likes having a good time.
Q: What is the 'Most Progressive Day' of the year?
A: March Forth (have you ever tried to march backwards?)
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a crystal ball?
A: A message from the udder side.
Q: Who was the fastest runner of all time?
A: Adam, because he was first in the human race.
Q: What do you call a man who likes drawing and painting?
A: Art.
Q: What is an atomic scientist's favourite snack?
A: Fission chips.
Q: What do you get if you cross a fish and a Yamaha?
A: A motor-pike.
Q: What should you take along on a trek in the desert?
A: A thirst-aid kit.
Q: What has a girl's head, a fish's tail, and speaks very softly?
A: A murmurmaid.
Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and ships.
Q: What happens when you fall in love with a pastry cook?
A: He desserts you.
Q: What do vampires eat at parties?
A: Fang-furters.
Q: How do vegetables win a race?
A: They cross the spinach line.
Q: Why did the cantaloupe jump in the ocean?
A: It wanted to be a watermelon.
Q: What do you get if you cross a dollar bill with a kangaroo?
A: A buckaroo.
Q: What song does a violinist sing to his violin?
A: “I've got you under my chin...”
Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife?
A: “Meet Patty.”
Q: What did the tailor take for his sore throat?
A: Cuff drops.
Q: What happens to spoons when they work too hard?
A: They go stir crazy.
Q: What does a button do?
A: Close clothes.
Q: How do fleas travel?
A: They itch-hike.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a jogging machine?
A: A milk-shake.
Q: What did the outlaw give his wife for her birthday?
A: A stole.
Q: Why did the dummy take the stairs to the 99th floor?
A: He wanted to come up the hard way.
Q: What did the duck wear to the wedding?
A: A duck-seedo.
Q: Why were the naughty eggs sent out of class?
A: Because they kept playing practical yolks.
Q: What makes a chess player happy?
A: Taking a knight off.
Q: Where does a bat soak?
A: In a bat-tub.
Q: What's a cautious caterpillar's motto?
A: Look before you creep.
Q: What’s a grasshopper’s favourite game?
A: Cricket.
Q: What is the hardest thing about learning to skate?
A: The ice.
Q: What do you call a nap on a ship?
A: A cruise snooze.
Q: What kind of bows are in an orchestra?
A: O-boes.
Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: What did zero say to the eight?
A: “Nice belt!”
Q: Who did the Irish setter hire to watch her pups?
A: A baby setter.
Q: What insect plays music?
A: A humbug.
Q: What do you call an artificial stone?
A: A shamrock.
Q: What are the two good things about being a teacher?
A: July and August.
Q: Which squid is the friendliest?
A: The cuddlefish.
Q: What do you call the place where the animals rest in the desert?
A: Camel lot.
Q: If a dog loses his tail, where would he get another one?
A: At a retail store.
Q: What part of your body has the most rhythm?
A: Your eardrums.
Q: What did the seven dwarfs bake?
A: Shortbread.
Q: What's a tailor's favourite game?
A: Sew 'n' Tell.
Q: How do you avoid illnesses caused by biting insects?
A: Don't bite them.
Q: What's the difference between a rain barrel and a bad fielder?
A: One catches drops; the other drops catches.
Q: How do teachers dress in the winter?
A: Quickly.
Q: What did the thief say when he robbed the glue factory?
A: “This is a stickup!”
Q: What do slugs pack when they go on a trip?
A: Sluggage.
Q: How did the police know the parrot was telling the truth?
A: They gave it a poly graph.
Q: Why can't you tell pigs your secrets?
A: They squeal.
Q: What fruit will never run away and get married?
A: A cantaloupe.
Q: Name a hopping creature that breaks into houses.
A: A robbit.
Q: How do you close an envelope underwater?
A: With a seal.
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack.
Q: What do you get when you cross a scary fish with an anteater?
A: An aardshark.
Q: What bird never goes to a barber?
A: A bald eagle.
Q: Where do planets go to school?
A: The univers-ity.
Q: What did the Doctor say to the patient when the operation was over?
A: “That's enough out of you!”
Q: What do you call someone who keeps on talking when no one is listening?
A: A teacher.
Q: What do you call a stuck-up goblin?
A: A snob goblin.
Q: Which Great Lake thinks it's better than all the others?
A: Lake Superior.
Q: What did the judge give the thief who stole the calendar?
A: Twelve months.
Q: Which fish finds the best bargains?
A: The sale-fish.
Q: What do you call the small rivers that run into the Nile?
A: Juveniles.
Q: What was Noah's profession?
A: Ark-itect.
Q: What clothing does a house wear?
A: Address.
Q: What is the first thing an elephant does at the airport?
A: Check his trunk.
Q: What contains the most vitamins?
A: A health food store.
Q: What time is it when a lion comes to dinner?
A: Time to go.
Q: Where do city earthworms live?
A: In garden apartments.
Q: What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?
A: “It's not my fault.”
Q: Who invented copper wire?
A: Two tax lawyers fighting over a penny.
Q: Where do otters come from?
A: Otter space.
Q: What insect has the least courage?
A: The flee.
Q: How do skunks know when to release their terrible smell?
A: Instink.
Q: Where did the computer stay when he joined the army?
A: At a database.
Q: Why can't you trust the law of gravity?
A: Because it always lets you down.
Q: What do you get if you cross a telephone and a shirt?
A: Ring around the collar.
Q: What is the most squeamish animal?
A: An ele-faint.
Q: What kind of food does a racehorse eat?
A: Fast food.
Q: What time to chickens wake up in the morning?
A: Five o'cluck.
Q: What colour is the wind?
A: Blew.
Q: Why did the man mail his friend a clock?
A: He wanted to see time travel.
Q: Why did the boy deer propose to the rich female deer?
A: He wanted the doe.
Q: What's Dr. Pepper's motto?
A: Thirst come, thirst served.
Q: What is a tennis player's favourite city?
A: Volley-wood.
Q: What do termites eat for breakfast?
A: Oak meal.
Q: What should you wear when you go to the beach with a monster?
A: Sunscream.
Q: Who are the best letter writers?
A: Fishermen. They'll always drop you a line.
Q: What is a cannibal's favourite gourmet dish?
A: Peasant under glass.
Q: What is a caveman's favourite lunch?
A: A club sandwich.
Q: What do you get when you cross a mink with an octopus?
A: A coat with eight sleeves.
Q: What happens when you fall in love with a chauffeur?
A: You get taken for a ride.
Q: What did one knee bone say to the other knee bone?
A: “Let's get out of this joint.”
Q: What is the best way to talk to a hot dog?
A: Be frank.
Q: Do cows give milk?
A: No, you have to take it from them.
Q: Why do snakes ask for spoons?
A: Their tongues are already forked.
Q: What is the vampire's least favourite food?
A: Garlic Stake.
Q: How do you clean the ice off tall buildings?
A: With sky scrapers.
Q: Where do you find prehistoric cows?
A: In a moo-seum.
Q: What does Porky do to keep himself busy?
A: Pigsaw puzzles.
Q: Why did the lamb go swimming?
A: It needed a baaaa-th.
Q: Why did the fireplace call the Doctor?
A: Because the chimney had the flu.
Q: When is an absent-minded circus owner like a nervous actor?
A: When he forgets his lions.
Q: Why did the tree see the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Q: What's a sheep's motto?
A: All's wool that ends wool.
Q: What did the eye say to the mouth?
A: “One more word from you and you'll get fifty lashes!”
Q: At which college can you learn how to drive tanks?
A: Tank U.
Q: What time to ducks get up?
A: At the quack of dawn.
Q: Where do birds invest their money?
A: In the stork market.
Q: What ducks crack joe-ks?
A: Wise quackers.
Q: How do you end a story about frogs?
A: “... and they lived hoppily ever after.”
Q: Where do monsters study?
A: In a ghoul school.
Q: Who was the most brilliant pig in the world?
A: Einswine.
Q: Where do fish put their money?
A: In the river bank.
Q: What did the teddy bear say after dining out?
A: “I'm stuffed.”
Q: What's a skunk's motto?
A: Eat, stink, and be merry.
Q: What do you call a hamburger bun in a rocking chair?
A: Rockin roll.
Q: What did the suit of armor in the museum miss most?
A: The knight life.
Q: What do slugs put on their toes?
A: Snail polish.
Q: What kind of tea is best to avoid?
A: Calamity.
Q: How is an English teacher like a judge?
A: They both hand out sentences.
Q: What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
A: She had mittens.
Q: What hog is married to several wives?
A: A pig-amist.
Q: What do you get if you cross an abalone and a crocodile?
A: A crockabaloney.
Q: What do you call 2 spiders who get married?
A: Newly webs.
Q: What sickness can you catch from your bed mattress?
A: Spring fever.
Q: What do you get if you cross a hen and a parrot?
A: A bird that uses really fowl language.
Q: Where is the best place to find books about trees?
A: In a branch library.
Q: What do dogs drink at picnics?
A: Pupsi-cola.
Q: How did the pebble's marriage end up?
A: On the rocks.
Q: When do eggs become runny?
A: After they hatch into chicks.
Q: What did the jack say to the car?
A: Hey! I know you're in a rush, so don't let me hold you up.
Q: Where do race cars go swimming?
A: In a car pool.
Q: How do hikers cross a patch of poison ivy?
A: They itch hike.
Q: What's the biggest plant in the world?
A: The steel plant.
Q: When do Siamese twins go to a baseball game?
A: When there's a doubleheader.
Q: Why did the two fish get married?
A: Because they were hooked on each other.
Q: Where do cows go to see art?
A: Moo-seums.
Q: Where do they send sick librarians?
A: To the hush-pital.
Q: What kind of car do hound dogs drive?
A: Houndas.
Q: What snacks should you serve robots at parties?
A: Assorted nuts.
Q: What has bread on both sides and frightens easily?
A: A chicken sandwich.
Q: What do dogs put on their pizza?
A: Mutts-arella.
Q: What do ants put on their pizza?
A: Ant-chovies.
Q: What's the first thing you need to split an atom?
A: A fission license.
Q: Which President had a hard shell?
A: Abraclam Lincoln.
Q: Why was the nanny goat so upset?
A: She had too many kids to take care of.
Q: Where does a pig leave its car when it takes the train?
A: In a Pork and Ride.
Q: Who are the toughest bugs in Scotland?
A: The Kilter Bees.
Q: Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?
A: Because he wanted mashed potatoes.
Q: What do you if you cross a memory expert and a conductor?
A: A person who never loses his train of thought.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with test papers?
A: Eggsams.
Q: Why did the basketball player put his cookie in the milk?
A: Because he loved to dunk.
Q: What kind of phone does a turtle use?
A: A shell-ular phone.
Q: How do you spell mousetrap with only three letters?
A: C-A-T.
Q: What kind of underwear do astronauts wear?
A: Fruit of the Moon.
Q: What did one lightbulb say to the other?
A: 'Watt are you doing?'
Q: Why did the dog lay on its back with its feet sticking in the air?
A: It was trying to trip birds.
Q: What do pigs write letters with?
A: Pig-pens.
Q: What is a bird's favourite game?
A: Air hockey.
Q: What kind of haircut does a bee get?
A: A buzz cut.
Q: How does the ocean pay its water bill?
A: With sand dollars.
Q: What happens when you chase an ice cube?
A: You catch a cold.
Q: What happens when you ask an oyster a personal question?
A: It clams up.
Q: Why are wild horses wealthy?
A: They make big bucks.
Q: What happened to the plant in math class?
A: It grew square roots.
Q: What do you get when you cross a sitcom with a gardening show?
A: Joe-ks you can really dig!
Q: Why does a tiger kneel before it pounces?
A: Because it's preying.
Q: What do you get if two or more geese collide?
A: Goosebumps.
Q: What do you call a pig who doesn't do anything all day?
A: A boar.
Q: Why do chickens get good jobs?
A: Because they're eggs-perts.
Q: Why did the lazy boy hate spaghetti, lasagna and fettuccine?
A: He didn't like using his noodle.
Q: What do you get when a python and a porcupine collide?
A: Ten feet of barbed wire.
Q: What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
A: Auld Fang Sanguine!
Q: What did one magnet say to the other?
A: “I find you very attractive.”
Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A: Pouch potato.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He felt crummy.
Q: What bird can lift the most?
A: A crane.
Q: How do you make a hot dog stand?
A: Steal its chair.
Q: What can you hold without ever touching or using your hands?
A: Your breath.
Q: Where is the ocean the deepest?
A: At the bottom.
Q: What do you call 2 boys hanging from the ceiling?
A: Curt and Rod.
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.
Q: How do you kill a circus?
A: Go for the juggler.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: Why do black widow spiders eat their males after mating?
A: To stop them from snoring.
Q: What did the grape do when it was stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine.
Q: What did the hat say to the scarf?
A: You hang around while I go on a head.
Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.
Q: Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich?
A: The poor didn't have anything worth stealing.
Q: Why do monks always wear brown?
A: It's just their habit.
Q: What do you get if you pull your pants up to your neck?
A: A chest of drawers.
Q: Why does an elephant never forget?
A: What has he got to remember?
Q: Did you hear about the two fat athletes?
A: One ran in short bursts and the other ran in burst shorts.
Q: When do cannibals leave the table?
A: When everyone's eaten.
Q: Why did the cannibal policeman get the sack?
A: He was caught grilling his suspects.
Q: Why were the cannibals sick after eating the missionary?
A: You can't keep a good man down.
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humour?
A: Laughing stock.
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.
Q: Why didn't the millionaire report his stolen credit card?
A: The thief was spending less than his wife used to.
Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: Cliff.
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack.
Q: What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
A: Doug.
Q: What do you call a man who's been buried for 2000 years?
A: Pete.
Q: What's the definition of experience?
A: Something you don't get until just after you need it.
Q: What's covered in cellophane and climbs up and down a rope?
A: The lunchpack of Notre Dame.
Q: What happened when the policeman caught a boy drinking battery acid and another eating fireworks?
A: He charged one and let the other off.
Q: What do you give a man who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do politicians use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the best way to make sure you always remember your wife's birthday?
A: Forget it once.
Q: What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
A: “You take me for grunted.”
Q: Why do psychiatrists give patients shock treatment?
A: To prepare them for the bill.
Q: What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
A: “Dam!”
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut.
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the TV remote control between his toes.
Q: What's the disadvantage of keeping an open mind?
A: Your ideas might fall out.
Q: Why does history keep repeating itself?
A: Because we weren't listening the first time.
Q: Why didn't the hen-pecked husband speak to his wife for a month?
A: He didn't want to interrupt her.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Someone has to stay around to clean up after them.
Q: When does a woman care deeply for her husband's company?
A: When he owns it.
Q: Why do men prefer electric lawn mowers?
A: So they can find their way back to the house.
Q: Why are men like mascara?
A: They run at the first sign of emotion.
Q: Why are men like placemats?
A: They only show up when there's food on the table.
Q: What do you say to a Medieval man when he goes to bed?
A: Knighty Knight.
Q: What happens when frogs park illegally?
A: They get toad.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: What is the difference between out-laws and in-laws?
A: Out-laws are wanted.
Q: How do you mend a broken heart?
A: With duct tape.
Q: Abel had 3 children.
Cain had no children.
Do you know why?
...
...
...
...
A: He was not Able.
Q: What happened to the 2 peanuts that crossed the road?
A: One was assaulted.
Q: What did mama tomato say to baby tomato when they were crossing the street?
A: Catch up!
Q: What do you call an empty jar of cheese whiz?
A: Cheeze was.
Q: What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
A: Na cho cheese.
If you eat pasta and antipasta during dinner, are you still hungry?
Q: A unicorn has one horn and a bull has two. Does anything have more?
A: Yes – an orchestra.
Q: Did you hear about the absent-minded Siamese twins?
A: Everything goes in one ear and out the brother.
Did you hear about the athlete who was so dubm that when he earned his varsity letter, somebody had to read it to him?
Q: Did you hear about the baseball player who went to Church twice a day?
A: He kept hoping for a double pray.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde athlete who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
A: She was so proud of it she had it bronzed.
Q: Did you hear about the computer that died?
A: It had a terminal illness.
Q: Did you hear about the depressed prisoner?
A: He was down, but not out.
Q: Did you hear about the
dubm-est bank robber in the world?
A: He put a paper bag on his head and told the teller to put all the money in the stocking.
Q: Did you hear about the duck who is a plastic surgeon?
A: His motto is “Pay now, bill later.”
Did you hear about the goose that watched a horror movie and got people-bumps?
Did you hear about the groom who tried to kiss his bride in the fog and mist?
Q: Did you hear about the group of people who got stranded in the mall?
A: They were shopwrecked.
Q: A class has a top and a bottom. What is in the middle?
A: The student body.
Did you hear about the guy who’s so lazy, he hires other people to walk in his
sleep?
Q: Did you hear about the letter T having an identity crisis?
A: It wants to be just like U.
Q: Did you hear about the lion that swallowed a computer?
A: Talk about a mane frame - he couldn’t eat another byte!
Q: Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine>
A: He’s fully recovered.
Q: Did you hear about the Moroff who drove his truck off the cliff?
A: He wanted to test his new air brakes.
Q: Did you hear about the moth that flew into the two-year-old’s birthday party?
A: He burned his end at both candles.
Q: Did you hear about the music lover who tried out for the Olympics?
A: He’s a compact disc thrower.
Q: Did you hear about the new TV series called “Flashback?”
A: It’s a half hour show and goes from 9:00 to 8:30.
Q: Did you hear about the second-string football player who flooded the stadium
with water?
A: He was hoping the coach would send him in as a sub.
Did you hear about the student who got a D minor on his band report card?
Q: Did you hear about the trombone player who got kicked out of the school band?
A: He kept letting things slide.
Q: Did you hear about the world's dubm-est lottery?
A: For the jackpot you win a dollar a year for a million years.
Q: Did you hear there’s a new movie about a dentist who goes back and forth in time?
A: It’s called “Plaque to the Future.”
Q: Do fish perspire?
A: How do you think the sea gets so salty?
Q: Do old school teachers ever marry?
A: No, they just get dated.
Q: Do you go to school stupid?
A: Yes, and I come out the same way.
A midget psychic robbed the First National Bank and made off with all the cash. Police say the small medium is still at large.
Q: During which school period do cars get put together?
A: Assembly.
Ewe are so smart!
Greetings Cards:
To circus seals: “Best Fishes!”
To ghosts on January 1st: “Happy Boo Year!”
To lonely snakes: “I Hiss You!”
To maple trees: “Sappy Birthday!”
To married bugs: “Happy Ant-iversary!”
To sick lemons: “Hope You’re Feeling Bitter!”
To sick skunks: “Get Smell Soon!”
To vacationing rabbits: “Bunny Voyage!”
Q: Have you ever traced your ancestors?
A: Are you kidding? I can’t draw worth a nickel.
He’s so dubm he once got stuck on an escalator and didn’t know how to get down.
Q: How can you leave a classroom with two legs and come back with six?
A: Bring a chair back with you.
Q: How can you tell an Ivy League door?
A: It has a Yale lock.
Q: How can you tell when a swimming team is broke?
A: It can’t keep its head above water.
Q: How did Darth Vader’s parents get him to study?
A: By using the Force.
Q: How did the bumble bee get to school?
A: It took the school buzz.
Q: How did the card do on final exams?
A: It aced them.
Q: How did the corn do in the band?
A: It played by ear.
Q: How did the driver’s ed class celebrate getting new tires?
A: With a real blowout.
Q: How did the duck do on its report card?
A: All its grades were down.
Q: How did the hairstylist feel about school?
A: Shear delight.
Q: How did the school custodian make all his money?
A: He really cleaned up after work.
Q: How did the science teacher quiz her students?
A: With test tubes.
Q: How did the student do in fractions?
A: He wasn’t half bad.
Q: How did the teacher handle a class full of baby goats?
A: With kid gloves.
Q: How did the vampire student start a fire while studying?
A: By burning the midnight oil.
Q: How did the wrestler pin down the answers to the test?
A: He put a hold on them.
Q: How did they know the swimming team was inexperienced?
A: They were all wet behind the ears.
Q: How do babies cheat in nursery school?
A: They use their crib notes.
Q: How do blackboards start over?
A: With a clean slate.
Q: How do fleas get from one place to another?
A: They itch hike.
Q: How do law students date?
A: They court each other.
Q: How do we know that dolphins are intelligent?
A: Because it only takes them a few weeks to train a man to throw fish at them.
Q: How do you clear ice off the windows of tall buildings?
A: With a sky scraper.
Q: How do you fire a math teacher?
A: Tell her she’s history.
Q: How do you grade libraries?
A: With bookmarks.
Q: “How do you like school?”
A: “Closed.”
Q: How do you know exercise keeps us healthy?
A: Did you ever see a germ on a rowing machine?
Q: How do you know school buses are afraid?
A: They’re yellow.
Q: How do you mail the alphabet?
A: In a letter box.
Q: How do you recognize math plants?
A: They have square roots.
Q: How do you say goodbye to the alphabet?
A: “A B C’ing you.”
Q: How do you stop an elephant from slipping through the eye of a needle?
A: Tie a knot in his tail.
Q: How does a blackboard handle bad times?
A: It chalks them up to bad experience.
Q: How does a dog answer the phone?
A: “Hello, this is the Lost and Hound.”
Q: How does a lobster remember the answers to a test?
A: By tying a string around his claw.
Q: How does a social science teacher break up with his girlfriend?
A: He tells her she’s history.
Q: How far can you go in astronomy?
A: The sky’s the limit.
Q: “How far did you go in school?”
A: “About two miles.”
Q: How is a drama teacher like the Pony Express?
A: Because he is a stage coach.
Q: How is a hobo different from a non-smoking goat?
A: One smokes butts, the other butts smokers.
Q: How is a judge like an English teacher?
A: They both hand out long sentences.
Q: How is my brother connected to the police department?
A: By a pair of handcuffs.
Q: How is the baseball slugger doing in school?
A: Batter.
Q: How many policemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None if it turns itself in.
Q: How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to turn it and one to overturn it.
Q: How much fun can you have doing arithmetic?
A: Sum fun!
Q: How should you e-mail a student?
A: First class.
Q: How was the cooking class performance?
A: Well done.
Q: How was the driving teacher’s parking?
A: It was unparalleled.
Q: How was the rowing team punished?
A: They were paddled.
Q: I never move. I have no feet. But I wear shoes. What am I?
A: The sidewalk.
If astronauts are so smart, why are they always counting backwards?
Q: If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?
A: His wife.
Q: If George Washington were alive today, what would he be famous for?
A: Old age.
Q: If the Pilgrims got to America on the Mayflower, how do foreign students get here?
A: On scholarships.
Q: In what school do you have to drop out before you graduate?
A: Parachute school.
Q: In what subject do insects get their best grades?
A: A-gnat-omy.
Q: Is a hammer useful in math?
A: No, but multi-pliers are.
Q: Is it better to do your homework on a full or empty stomach?
A: It’s better to do it on paper.
Q: Is there a silent C in Connecticut?
A: No, but there’s a noisy ocean offshore.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to vacuum it.
Q: Lori has it first. Phil has it last. Girls have it once. Boys never have it.
What is it?
A: The letter “l.”
My Doctor is so slow, his waiting room couch opens up into a sleeper.
Q: Name the constituents of quartz.
A: Pints.
There’s so much traffic in the gym the stationary bicycles have rear view mirrors.
Q: What animals help run computers?
A: Rams.
Q: What are the most confusing kind of books at the library?
A: Books of short tall stories.
Q: What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
A: Juve-niles.
Q: What assignment do Alaskans bring back from school?
A: Nome work.
Q: What ballet outfit do math teachers wear?
A: Two-twos.
Q: What class is full of wise guys?
A: The freshmen class.
Q: What class tells you about corridors?
A: Study hall.
Q: What club do fish like to join?
A: The debating team.
Q: What college courses do veterinarians take?
A: Baa-ology, Moo-sic, and Pig Latin.
Q: What college do lovers go to?
A: Embraceable U.
Q: What college do vines go to?
A: The Ivy League.
Q: What college is named for John Wayne?
A: Duke University.
Q: What comedy team eats carrots and tells joe-ks?
A: Rabbit and Costello.
Q: What comes after “G”?
A: Whiz.
Q: Then what comes after “O”?
A: Yeah.
Q: What course do golfers take?
A: Driver’s ed.
Q: What course do yodelers take?
A: Echo-nomics.
Q: What course talks about hamburgers?
A: Meat-eorology.
Q: What course teaches you about raw fish?
A: Sushi-ology.
Q: What course teaches you about soda?
A: Fizz-eology.
Q: What day do fish hate?
A: Fry day.
Q: What day of school is the children’s favourite?
A: The last.
Q: What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
A: Toga-ther we can rule the world.
Q: What did Noah do while spending time on the ark?
A: He fished – but he didn’t’ catch much… he only had 2 worms.
Q: What did one blackboard say to the other?
A: “E-rase you to the corner.”
Q: What did the baker get at school?
A: He made the honour roll.
Q: What did the basketball player eat in the school cafeteria?
A: Hoop du jour.
Q: What did the billboard learn at school?
A: Sign language.
Q: What did the brilliant art student make with his brush?
A: A stroke of genius.
Q: What did the builder write his book report on?
A: Construction paper.
Q: What did the carpenter make for the textbook?
A: A table of contents.
Q: What did the chicken teach the typing class?
A: Hunt and peck.
Q: What did the chiropractor take at the end of his studies?
A: A spinal exam.
Q: What did the circle say to the square?
A: “I’ll be a round.”
Q: What did the Civil War book say when it left?
A: “I’m history.”
Q: What did the computer component call his son?
A: A chip off the old block.
Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?
A: Had a byte.
Q: What did the dancing teacher call her dancing sibling?
A: A stepsister.
Q: What did the detective say when he arrested the librarian?
A: “Book ‘em!”
Q: What did the fish do in music class?
A: Play the scales.
Q: What did the football coach take with him on his fishing trip?
A: His tackle.
Q: What did the horse get on its report card?
A: Straight hays.
Q: What did the leopard say to his friends in the school cafeteria?
A: “Save me a spot.”
Q: What did the lobster give his teacher?
A: A crab apple.
Q: What did the lobster major in at the police academy?
A: Claw enforcement.
Q: What did the loser at the solar system competition receive?
A: The constellation prize.
Q: What did the octopus hate most about being an octopus?
A: Washing his hands before dinner.
Q: What did the pig put in the school computer?
A: Sloppy disks.
Q: What did the pile of leaves say to the gardener?
A: “Go ahead – rake my day.”
Q: What did the ruler say to the pencil?
A: “You have to draw the line somewhere.”
Q: What did the science teacher get when she cloned a piece of coal?
A: A carbon copy.
Q: What did the Sheriff Of Nottingham say when Robin fired at him?
A: “That was an arrow escape!”
Q: What did the student say to the calculator?
A: “I’m counting on you.”
Q: What did the swimming coach do in the boxing match?
A: He took a dive.
Q: What did the teacher rabbit tell her bunnies?
A: Hare-raising stories.
Q: What did the teacher say to the naughty hornet?
A: “Beehive yourself.”
Q: What did the teacher say to the plumber taking classes?
A: “Pipe down.”
Q: What did the tennis team write for the school paper?
A: A love story.
Q: What did the turtles say to the teacher?
A: “You tortoise everything we know.”
Q: What did the weatherman say about his meteorology test?
A: “It was a breeze with only a few foggy patches.”
Q: What did they wear at the Boston Tea Party?
A: T-shirts.
Q: What did Tiger Woods study at school?
A: A golf course.
Q: “What did you learn your first day in school?”
A: “Not much. I have to go again tomorrow.”
Q: What do an army private and a waitress have in common?
A: They both take orders all day long.
Q: What do art teachers do on vacation?
A: They paint the town red.
Q: What do astronomy students scrub sinks with?
A: Comet.
Q: What do batteries study for?
A: The acid test.
Q: What do cows do best in driver’s ed?
A: Steer.
Q: What do earth science students weigh themselves on?
A: The Richter scale.
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The elf-abet.
Q: What do fashionable biology students wear?
A: Designer genes.
Q: What do gangsters put on the front of their cars?
A: Hood ornaments.
Q: What do history teachers make when they want to get together?
A: Dates.
Q: What do they talk about?
A: The good old days.
Q: What do insects use to write reports?
A: Flypaper.
Q: What do lazy students do for the school play?
A: They understudy.
Q: What do mountain climbers’ kids like to play?
A: Height and Seek.
Q: What do pigs do after school?
A: Their hamwork.
Q: What do porcupines write their reports with?
A: Quill pens.
Q: What do you call a cartoon that’s been thrown out of school?
A: Suspended animation.
Q: What do you call a computer superhero?
A: A screen saver.
Q: What do you call a great phys ed teacher?
A: A gym dandy.
Q: What do you call a mistake by the entire homeroom?
A: A class trip.
Q: What do you call a place where a law student lives?
A: A legal pad.
Q: What do you call a pupil who sneezes in class?
A: A wheeze kid.
Q: What do you call a red-headed lady on a blue and white plane travelling from
New York to Los Angeles?
A: A passenger.
Q: What do you call a school where all the students are over six feet tall?
A: A high school.
Q: What do you call an ice skating goalie who skips school?
A: A hooky player.
Q: What do you call books read by Dallas students?
A: Tex books.
Q: What do you call it when a student can’t answer the questions on another student’s computer test?
A: Hard copy.
Q: What do you call it when a teacher promotes a male deer?
A: Passing the buck.
Q: What do you call it when your father has to take a test?
A: A pop quiz.
Q: What do you call Oreos that skip class?
A: Cookie cutters.
Q: What do you call someone who sleeps in class?
A: ‘Bored’ Of education.
Q: What do you call the front page of a geography book?
A: The table of continents.
Q: What do you call the study of seaweed?
A: Algae-bra.
Q: What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a Boy Scout?
A: I don’t know, but it sure could pitch a tent.
Q: What do you get when you cross a class clown with Mr. Spock?
A: A funny Vulcan.
Q: What do you get when you cross a clock with a cigarette?
A: Second-hand smoke.
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer, a slob and an Olympic athlete?
A: A sloppy discus thrower.
Q: What do you get when you cross a famous cartoon team with a star?
A: Rocky and Bulltwinkle.
Q: What do you get when you cross a goat with a kangaroo?
A: A kid with a built-in school bag.
Q: What do you get when you cross a karate instructor with a wheelbarrow?
A: A chopping cart.
Q: What do you get when you cross a mouth with a tornado?
A: A tongue twister.
Q: What do you get when you cross a swimming pool with a movie house?
A: A dive-in theatre.
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?
A: Lots of blood tests.
Q: What do you get when you cross an English teacher with a track team?
A: A run-on sentence.
Q: What do you get when you cross the alphabet with a shackle?
A: A chain letter.
Q: What do you get when you cross the alphabet with a top?
A: Dizzy spells.
Q: What do you get when you cross the alphabet with the tennis team?
A: Love letters.
Q: What do you get when you cross the English department with the school
cafeteria?
A: Alphabet soup.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Greatest Show on Earth with the Ice
Capades?
A: A three-rink circus.
Q: What do you get when you cross the tennis team with geometric figures?
A: A love triangle.
Q: What do you get when you graduate from the police academy?
A: The third degree.
Q: What do construction workers play with in kindergarten?
A: Building blocks.
Q: What do you call a bird who tattles to the lifeguard?
A: A pool pigeon.
Q: What do you call a boy who can subtract, multiply, and divide, but can’t add?
A: A 'total' failure.
Q: What does a banana need to become President?
A: A peel.
Q: What does a dog get when it graduates from obedience school?
A: A pedigree.
Q: What does a sick teacher take?
A: Pu-pils.
Q: What does a sick preacher take?
A: Pew-pills.
Q: What education is geared to helping students get jobs?
A: Hire education.
Q: What English King invented the fireplace?
A: Alfred the Grate.
Q: What exercise makes you miss school?
A: Skipping.
Q: What famous chiropodist ruled England?
A: William the Corn-cutter.
Q: What famous nurse rarely got dressed in the morning?
A: Florence Nightingown.
Q: What goes “ring, ring” every morning at the wrong time?
A: A false alarm clock.
Q: What golf equipment was out when attendance was taken?
A: Absent-tees.
Q: What grades did the pirate get in school?
A: High seas.
Q: What group do happy students join?
A: The glee club.
Q: What happened to the student who swallowed a dictionary?
A: The nurse couldn’t get a word out of him.
Q: What happened to the vegetables misbehaving in the cafeteria?
A: They found themselves in hot water.
Q: What happened when the basketball team brought razors to the game?
A: They were accused of shaving points.
Q: What happened when the chemistry students met?
A: It was lab at first sight.
Q: What happened when the dog went to school?
A: It had a ruff time.
Q: What happened when the English teacher’s dictionary was stolen?
A: She was at a loss for words.
Q: What happened when the investor put all his money into erasers?
A: He was wiped out.
Q: What happened when the lion tamer put his head into the lion’s mouth to count
how many teeth he had?
A: The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the lion tamer had.
Q: What happened when the lollipops played against the school team?
A: They got licked.
Q: What happened when the sailor saw his report card?
A: He got “C” sick.
Q: What happened when the school custodian ran for election?
A: He was swept into office.
Q: What happened when the steam hammer was invented?
A: It made a big hit.
Q: What happened when the wheel was invented?
A: It started a revolution.
Q: What happened when the writing class got hungry?
A: They ate their words.
Q: What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to?
A: She draws a smack.
Q: What happens when a lion goes to school?
A: Enrollment drops.
Q: What happens when vowels lend money?
A: They end with an IOU.
Q: What happens when you fail geometry?
A: It’s back to square one.
Q: What invincible warrior has a dome-shaped head?
A: Conehead the Barbarian.
Q: What is a forum?
A: Two-um plus two-um.
Q: What is an octopus?
A: An eight-sided cat.
Q: What is grey, has a trunk but no tags, and keeps circling the airport?
A: An unclaimed elephant on the baggage carousel.
Q: What is it called when two students are admitted to college for the price of one?
A: Two-ition.
Q: What is it that we find so easy to get into and so hard to get out of?
A: Bed.
Q: What is lighter than a feather, but can’t be held for five minutes?
A: Your breath.
Q: What is raised in Brazil during the rainy season?
A: Umbrellas.
Q: What is the difference between electricity and lightning?
A: You don’t have to pay for lightning.
Q: What is the leading cause of dry skin?
A: Towels.
Q: What is the longest day in the Bible?
A: The day with no Eve.
Q: What job did the skull apply for in science?
A: Department head.
Q: What kind of bee drops its honey?
A: A spilling bee.
Q: What kind of boats are designed for students?
A: Scholarships.
Q: What kind of candy do kids eat at the school playground?
A: Recess pieces.
Q: What kind of dial casts a shadow but should never be asked the time?
A: A crock-a-dial.
Q: What kind of geometric shape keeps falling apart?
A: A wreck-tangle.
Q: What kind of invention was the clock?
A: A timely one.
Q: What kind of joe-ks did Einstein like?
A: Wisecracks.
Q: What kind of reviews did the cooking class get?
A: They were panned.
Q: What kind of school book does a tree have?
A: Looseleaf.
Q: What kind of school does Sherlock Holmes attend?
A: Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary.
Q: What kind of suit would you wear to a mermaid’s wedding?
A: A wet suit, silly!
Q: What kind of wood is used to build universities?
A: College boards.
Q: What letter comes after “A”?
A: All the others.
Q: What math tool do baseball players use?
A: A slide rule.
Q: What mouthwash do bio teachers use?
A: Micro-scope.
Q: What must you pay to get to school?
A: Attention.
Q: What place in New York do math teachers like?
A: Times Square.
Q: What punctuation mark is the longest?
A: The hundred-yard dash.
Q: What punctuation mark is used in writing dance music?
A: The polka dot.
Q: What school event do labour leaders like?
A: Re-unions.
Q: What sickness do you get when you're tired of school?
A: Class-trophobia.
Q: What side of a killer shark should you stay away from?
A: The inside.
Q: What snack did the computer laptop have?
A: Computer chips.
Q: What soccer player is never promoted?
A: The left back.
Q: What state has no capital?
A: A state of mind.
Q: What tables don’t you have to learn?
A: Dinner tables.
Q: What team cries when it loses?
A: The bawl team.
Q: What three R’s do cheerleaders have to learn?
A: Rah! Rah! Rah!
Q: What type of math do pilots study?
A: Plane geometry.
Q: What type of math do sharpshooters study?
A: Trigger-nometry.
Q: What is the favourite sermon of the painter-turned-pastor?
A: “Repaint and thin no more.”
Q: What is the Joe-kster’s pen name?
A: He doesn’t have a name for his pen.
Q: What type of vehicle is useful for people with tired feet?
A: A toe truck.
Q: What was Camelot famous for?
A: It’s knight life.
Q: What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans?
A: Speaking Latin.
Q: What was the highest mountain before Mt. Everest was discovered?
A: Mt. Everest, of course.
Q: What was the twins’ specialty in baseball?
A: The double play.
Q: What do you get when you cross a canary with a carrier pigeon?
A: A singing telegram.
Q: What has four heads, runs forward and backwards very fast and loves to play?
A: A VCR.
Q: What has three feet, three eyes and two bills?
A: A duck with spare parts.
Q: What vehicle doesn’t burn gas, but is the most expensive to operate?
A: A supermarket cart.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a banker with a kangaroo?
A: Vault-zing Matilda.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a duck with an alligator?
A: A quack-a-dile.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a germ with a comedian?
A: Sick joe-ks.
Q: What would you get if you crossed the geology department with the school band?
A: Rock music.
Q: What would you get if you crossed the music department with the school nurse?
A: A band aid.
Q: What would you get if you crossed the school library with a genius?
A: A novel idea.
Q: What’s a bird’s favourite software?
A: A seedy ROM.
Q: What’s a cat’s best subject?
A: Meow-sic.
Q: What’s a frankfurter’s favourite car?
A: A Rolls.
Q: What’s a geology teacher’s favourite movie?
A: Rocky.
Q: What’s a history teacher’s favourite quiz show?
A: The Dating Game.
Q: What’s a hockey team’s motto?
A: “The puck stops here.”
Q: What’s a magician’s favourite subject?
A: Trick-enometry.
Q: What’s a mushroom?
A: The place where they store school food.
Q: What’s a parrot’s best subject?
A: Polly-tics.
Q: What’s a pig’s skin used for?
A: To keep the pig together.
Q: What’s a pronoun?
A: A noun that gets paid.
Q: What’s a report card?
A: A poison pen letter written by a teacher.
Q: What’s a spendthrift’s favourite subject?
A: Shop.
Q: What’s a synonym?
A: A word you use when you can’t spell the other word.
Q: What’s a teacher?
A: One who uses marking pens for penning marks.
Q: What’s an American president’s occupation?
A: Cabinetmaker.
Q: What’s big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mother’s day?
A: The school bus.
Q: What’s more accurate than a digital watch and able to tell time with a single
bound?
A: Clock Kent.
Q: What’s orange, good for your eyes, and jumps out of airplanes?
A: Carrot-troopers.
Q: What’s the best part of the school year?
A: Summer vacation.
Q: What’s the best way to cut down on air pollution in schools?
A: Use unleaded pencils.
Q: What’s the best way to pass a geometry test?
A: Know all the angles.
Q: What’s the capital of Arkansas?
A: A.
Q: What’s the difference between a baker and an overweight sleeper?
A: One bakes the bread, the other breaks the bed.
Q: What’s the difference between a baseball announcer and an abusive dog owner?
A: One spots the hit, the other hits the Spot.
Q: What’s the difference between a bird watcher and a bad speller?
A: One watches birds and the other botches words.
Q: What’s the difference between a clumsy acrobat on ice and a gutsy acrobat at
Niagara Falls?
A: One falls over the barrels, the other barrels over the falls.
Q: What’s the difference between a computer and a prison warden?
A: One executes a program, the other programs an execution.
Q: What’s the difference between a counterfeit bill and a rabbit with mental
problems?
A: One is bad money, the other is a mad bunny.
Q: What’s the difference between a failing math student and a rabbit?
A: The rabbit can multiply.
Q: What’s the difference between a gambler and a person who contributes to
charities?
A: One cashes in his chips, the other chips in his cash.
Q: What’s the difference between a garbage truck and an army cafeteria?
A: One hauls a mess, the other’s a mess hall.
Q: What’s the difference between a glacier and a snow cone?
A: You can eat a snow cone in one afternoon.
Q: What’s the difference between a pen and a pencil?
A: You push a pen but a pencil must be lead.
Q: What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a cold?
A: One knows the stops and the other stops the nose.
Q: What’s the difference between a stool pigeon and an earthquake?
A: One cracks under pressure, the other pressures under cracks.
Q: What’s the difference between a train conductor and a teacher?
A: One minds the train and other trains the mind.
Q: What’s the difference between an active verb and a passive verb?
A: An active verb shows action and a passive verb shows passion.
Q: What’s the difference between Cinderella’s shoe and a kid who plays hooky?
A: One’s a glass slipper, the other’s a class skipper.
Q: What’s the difference between teachers and trains?
A: Trains say “Choo Choo!” and teachers say “Spit that gum out!”
Q: What’s the first thing to do with a barrel of crude oil?
A: Teach it some manners.
Q: What’s the hardest part of grammar for criminals?
A: The prison sentence.
Q: What’s the highest quality school class?
A: First grade.
Q: What’s the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale?
A: You can’t keep a good man down.
Q: What’s the most educated room in the house?
A: The study.
Q: What’s the most educated scientific instrument?
A: A thermometer because it has so many degrees.
Q: What’s the most important thing about 18th Century scientists?
A: They are all dead.
Q: What’s worse than looking into the eye of a great white shark?
A: Looking into his tonsils.
Q: What’s yellow, has wheels and lies on its back?
A: A dead school bus.
Q: When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his
grave?
A: Rust in peace.
Q: When do math teachers die?
A: When their number is up.
Q: When do you use both a desk and a table at school?
A: When you’re doing multiplication.
Q: When does a track star put a faucet on his leg?
A: When he has water on the knee.
Q: When does school usually begin?
A: Too soon.
Q: When fish swim in schools, who helps their teacher?
A: The herring aid.
Q: When gym teachers take planes, what class do they travel in?
A: Coach.
Q: When is a teacher like a bird of prey?
A: When she watches you like a hawk.
Q: When is attendance at school like a gift?
A: When you’re present.
Q: When is it correct to say, “I is”?
A: When the teacher asks, “What is the letter after ‘H’?”
When my grandfather died, he left us 500 clocks – it’ll take forever to wind up his estate.
Q: When was the Great Depression?
A: The last time I got my report card.
Q: When water becomes ice, what is the greatest change?
A: The price.
Q: When was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
A: When they had lots of sleepless knights.
Q: When were the Dark Ages?
A: During the days of the knights.
Q: Where are army recruits trained?
A: At private school.
Q: Where did Batman learn?
A: At the fly-by-night school.
Q: Where did high-school student’s younger brother go to school?
A: Junior high.
Q: Where did King Arthur send his court?
A: Knight school.
Q: Where did the Cyclops go after the sixth grade?
A: To junior eye school.
Q: Where did the door get its education?
A: The school of hard knocks.
Q: Where did the fireplace go to school?
A: Kindle-garten.
Q: Where did the gangplank get it’s education?
A: At boarding school.
Q: Where did the ornamental bracelet get its education?
A: Charm school.
Q: Where did the Pilgrims land when they came to America?
A: On their feet.
Q: Where did the rhino sit in the school band?
A: In the horn section.
Q: Where do athletes go to college?
A: The uni-varsity.
Q: Where do belly dancers get their education?
A: At the Navel Academy.
Q: Where do children in Finland study?
A: At Finishing school.
Q: Where do compasses get their education?
A: West Point.
Q: Where do computers go to dance?
A: A disk-o.
Q: Where do cows get their education?
A: Second dairy school.
Q: Where do detergents sit in the ballpark?
A: In the bleachers.
Q: Where do furniture polishers get their education?
A: At finishing school.
Q: Where do math teachers go to eat?
A: The lunch counter.
Q: Where do mothers learn to feed their babies?
A: Nursery school.
Q: Where do politicians learn to be candidates?
A: Primary school.
Q: Where do report cards get their education?
A: In grade school.
Q: Where do sheep go after high school?
A: The ewe-niversity.
Q: Where do sleepy students carry their books?
A: In a napsack.
Q: Where do travel agents learn their trade?
A: Vacational school.
Q: Where do small intestines go to school?
A: Kidney-garten.
Q: Where do track stars keep their valuables?
A: In a pole vault.
Q: Where do you do arithmetic?
A: On multiplication tables.
Q: Where do you find Canada?
A: On a map.
Q: Where do you go to take a course in making ice cream?
A: Sundae school.
Q: Where do you learn proper English?
A: Grammar school.
Q: Where does a dwarf go to school?
A: An institute of lower learning.
Q: Where does a student talk about his experiments?
A: In the science blab.
Q: Where does it never rain?
A: Under an umbrella.
Q: Where does King Arthur keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies.
Q: Where does milk come from?
A: The supermarket.
Q: Where is milk stored?
A: In a cow.
Q: Where’s the best place to grow flowers in a school?
A: In the kinder-garden.
Q: Where’s the fencing coach?
A: Out to lunge.
Q: Which football player smells the most?
A: Offensive right guard.
Q: Which month has 28 days?
A: They all do.
Q: Who always fires the cannon at military school?
A: Some big shot.
Q: Who are the happiest people on the football field?
A: The cheerleaders.
Q: Who are the most athletic boys?
A: Physical Ed and Jim.
Q: Who did the math teacher date?
A: A real hot number.
Q: Who did the science teacher give his Bunsen burner to?
A: His old flame.
Q: Who does everyone in college confide in?
A: The Dean of Admissions.
Q: Who gets all dressed up and draws on napkins?
A: Hanky Doodle Dandy.
Q: Who guards the school library?
A: The bookkeeper.
Q: Who invented King Arthur’s round table?
A: Sir Cumference.
Q: Who invented the first pen?
A: The Incas.
Q: Who only reads underground?
A: Bookworms.
Q: Who replaced the teacher?
A: The substi-toot.
Q: Who studies on the highway?
A: Road scholars.
Q: Who teaches goats at home?
A: Their nanny.
Q: Who teaches students to play the flute?
A: Private tooters.
Q: Who was the biggest thief in history?
A: Atlas – he held up the whole world.
Q: Who was the first couple to study science?
A: Atom and Eve.
Q: Who was the most feared student in the Old West?
A: Bully the Kid.
Q: Who wears different kinds of clothing all at the same time?
A: A student body.
Q: Why are lobsters red?
A: You would be too if you swam around in a supermarket tank with no clothes on.
Q: Why are pilots bad at basketball?
A: They keep traveling.
Q: Why are sardines the dubm-est fish?
A: Who else would lock themselves in a can and leave the key outside?
Q: Why are school buses yellow?
A: Because they ran out of purple.
Q: Why are teachers rather special?
A: They are usually in a class by themselves.
Q: Why aren’t babies allowed to take tests?
A: Because they all have crib sheets.
Q: Why can you always tell what Dick and Jane are going to do next?
A: They’re easy to read.
Q: Why couldn’t the elephant join the swimming team?
A: It forgot its trunks.
Q: Why couldn’t the flower go to school on its bike?
A: The peddles were broken.
Q: Why couldn’t the music teacher get into the classroom?
A: All the keys were in the piano.
Q: Why couldn’t the ruler stand up in class?
A: It only had one foot.
Q: Why couldn’t the tree answer the teacher’s question?
A: It was stumped.
Q: Why did Arthur have a round table?
A: So no one could corner him.
Q: Why did Columbus discover America?
A: So something could happen in 1492.
Q: Why did everyone think the English teacher was very old?
A: She said she taught Shakespeare.
Q: Why did Henry VIII have so many wives?
A: He liked to chop and change.
Q: Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
A: He wanted Mark Antony.
Q: Why did Larry and Curly bring their brother to school?
A: It was Moe-and-tell time.
Q: Why did the 25-watt bulb flunk out of school?
A: He wasn’t very bright.
Q: Why did the absent-minded professor put glue on his head?
A: He thought it would make things stick in his mind.
Q: Why did the art student study math?
A: So she could paint by number.
Q: Why did the art teacher paint the alphabet crimson?
A: He wanted it to be a red-letter day.
Q: Why did the art teacher put her colours on a diet?
A: To make the paint thinner.
Q: Why did the art teacher take her paints to the track meet?
A: Because the colours ran.
Q: Why did the astronomy teacher search through the school cafeteria utensils?
A: He was looking for the big dipper.
Q: Why did the baby computer stay away from school?
A: It had a bad virus.
Q: Why did the baby go to chemistry class?
A: To learn formulas.
Q: Why did the baker go to math class?
A: To learn the value of pi.
Q: Why did the bear join the school paper?
A: It wanted to be a cub reporter.
Q: Why did the beautician go to school?
A: The teacher was giving a make-up exam.
Q: Why did the bird watcher study his throat?
A: So he could catch a few swallows.
Q: Why did the blackboard get mad at school?
A: It got rubbed the wrong way.
Q: Why did the book need a chiropractor?
A: It had a paperback.
Q: Why did the butcher go to medical school?
A: He wanted to learn to cure ham.
Q: Why did the cabbie rush to school?
A: To take a crash course.
Q: Why did the camera club go to the track meet?
A: They were hoping for a photo finish.
Q: Why did the captain go to college?
A: For the major.
Q: Why did the carpenter study math?
A: So he could build multiplication tables.
Q: Why did the coach bring the crate to the baseball game?
A: He wanted to see the box score.
Q: Why did the composer coach the baseball team?
A: Because he knew how to score.
Q: Why did the computer screen go to school?
A: So it could become a school monitor.
Q: Why did the electrician go to school?
A: To study current events.
Q: Why did the cafeteria worker want to become a detective?
A: So she could grill the hot dogs.
Q: Why did the cat take a computer course?
A: To get hold of a mouse.
Q: Why did the caterpillar go to the library?
A: It wanted to become a bookworm.
Q: Why did the chicken go to school?
A: For eggstra credit.
Q: Why did the chicken like school so much?
A: It was egg-citing!
Q: Why did the computer go to the school cafeteria?
A: It wanted a few bytes.
Q: Why did the cow quit school?
A: She had a beef with the teacher.
Q: Why did the crazy gymnast stay on the beam?
A: He was unbalanced.
Q: Why did the Cyclops give up teaching?
A: He only had one pupil.
Q: Why did the diaper quit the wrestling team?
A: It was always getting pinned.
Q: Why did the donut join the basketball team?
A: To practice dunking.
Q: Why did the drama club break their legs?
A: So they could have a cast party.
Q: Why did the drama club put in detention?
A: They kept acting up.
Q: Why did the drama club stop functioning?
A: They couldn’t get their act together.
Q: Why did the English student stuff a handkerchief in his mouth?
A: So he could become a gag writer.
Q: Why did the entertainer go to school?
A: He had a class act.
Q: Why did the exchange student take his books on the boat?
A: So he could study overseas.
Q: Why did the exterminator go to the camera club?
A: It was full of shutterbugs.
Q: Why did the failing student apply for a charge card?
A: She needed extra credit.
Q: Why did the failing student feel ashamed?
A: He was degraded.
Q: Why did the farmer go to school?
A: He heard they were having a field trip.
Q: Why did the fashion-conscious student fail?
A: She had a clothes mind.
Q: Why did the fish miss the English class?
A: It got hooked on phonics.
Q: Why did the fly head for the alarm clock?
A: He wanted to land on time.
Q: Why did the football coach send in the second string?
A: To tie up the score.
Q: Why did the football player carry a spare pencil?
A: In case they needed an extra point.
Q: Why did the giant go to college?
A: So he could be a big man on campus.
Q: Why did the girl get an “incomplete” in her Italian class?
A: She never turned in her Rome work.
Q: Why did the girl refuse to stand in line to get to the auditorium?
A: She didn’t want to be on an assembly line.
Q: Why did the glee club members get along so well together?
A: They were all in a chord.
Q: Why did the guitar leave music class?
A: Everyone kept picking on it.
Q: Why did the high school senior tie himself up?
A: So he’d be bound for college.
Q: Why did the high school student try out for soccer?
A: It was his goal in life.
Q: Why did the history book go out so much?
A: It had a lot of dates.
Q: Why did the ice cream cone join the school newspaper?
A: It knew all the scoops.
Q: Why did the jailer buy a microscope?
A: He liked to look at cells.
Q: Why did the janitor join the wrestling team?
A: So he could mop up the floor with his opponent.
Q: Why did the janitor quit his job?
A: He wanted to make a clean sweep.
Q: Why did the kids get wet going to school?
A: There were in a carpool.
Q: Why did the lazy student think he could become an astronaut?
A: His teacher told him he was taking up space.
Q: Why did the left-handed student fail his essay test?
A: He couldn’t right.
Q: Why did the lettuce study so hard?
A: It wanted to be at the head of its class.
Q: Why did the little girl watch the alphabet?
A: She was told to mind her P’s and Q’s.
Q: Why did the locomotive go to the gym?
A: To join the track team.
Q: Why did the long-distance runner get good grades?
A: He was on track.
Q: Why did the mailman take the alphabet?
A: So he could deliver the letters.
Q: Why did the math teacher join the glee club?
A: She wanted to sing in a few numbers.
Q: Why did the math teacher retire?
A: His number was up.
Q: Why did the millionaire give the music school a new piano?
A: He was an organ donor.
Q: Why did the navigator want to go away to college?
A: He wanted to live on compass.
Q: Why did the optometrist go to school?
A: To keep an eye on things.
Q: Why did the orange go home early?
A: It wasn’t peeling too well.
Q: Why did the pencil sharpener keep arguing with the pencil?
A: The sharpener was trying to make a point.
Q: Why did the piano teacher chase the elephant with a feather?
A: She wanted to tickle his ivories.
Q: Why did the plywood join the debating team?
A: So it could have a panel discussion.
Q: Why did the policeman study the alphabet?
A: To follow the letter of the law.
Q: Why did the pool player ruin the school play?
A: He missed his cue.
Q: Why did the quarterback go to college?
A: To get a passing grade.
Q: Why did the robin flunk out of school?
A: He was a bird brain.
Q: Why did the Romans build straight roads?
A: So their soldiers didn’t go around the bend.
Q: Why did the school bell think it was engaged?
A: Someone gave it a ring.
Q: Why did the school camera club close?
A: It lost its focus.
Q: Why did the school orchestra terminate?
A: It was disbanded.
Q: Why did the school paper take 365 days to come out?
A: It wanted to be a yearbook.
Q: Why did the school teacher excuse the firefly?
A: Because if you have to glow, you have to glow.
Q: Why did the science teacher and her husband get divorced?
A: They didn’t have the right chemistry.
Q: Why did the soldiers go to college?
A: To pick a major.
Q: Why did the soloist turn her back on the school band?
A: She didn’t want to face the music.
Q: Why did the speed demon go to class?
A: To take an accelerated course.
Q: Why did the student beat up his text books?
A: He was told to hit the books.
Q: Why did the student bring a ladder to school?
A: He was interested in higher education.
Q: Why did the student bring his wallet to speech class?
A: He heard that money talks.
Q: Why did the student carry a parachute to school?
A: He was planning to drop out.
Q: Why did the student come to school with two clocks?
A: He wanted to keep up with the times.
Q: Why did the student eat geometric figures?
A: So he could have three square meals a day.
Q: Why did the student glue himself to his report?
A: He was trying to stick to the subject.
Q: Why did the student put on eyeliner and mascara in school?
A: Because the teacher said she was giving the class a make-up exam.
Q: Why did the student take her math homework to gym class?
A: She wanted to work out her problems.
Q: Why did the student take sour cream to the swimming pool?
A: He wanted to take a dip in the pool.
Q: Why did the student think his teacher was colour-blind?
A: Because every time she caught him cheating, she said she was seeing red.
Q: Why did the student think she was aging quickly?
A: She was told she would be a senior the next year.
Q: Why did the student throw Alka Seltzer into the swimming pool?
A: So he could study fizz ed.
Q: Why did the student wear a leash to school?
A: He wanted to be teacher’s pet.
Q: Why did the substitute football player start a fire?
A: Because the coach told him to warm the bench.
Q: Why did the supermodel get an “A” in math?
A: She was great with figures.
Q: Why did the teacher bring honey to school?
A: She wanted bee students.
Q: Why did the teacher put rubber bands on her students’ heads?
A: So they could make snap decisions.
Q: Why did the teacher take away the student’s scissors?
A: She didn’t want him to cut class.
Q: Why did the teacher try to return her pupils?
A: They were exchange students.
Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
A: Because his class was so bright.
Q: Why did the teacher’s watch go “tick, tick, tick”?
A: It wasn’t allowed to tock in class.
Q: Why did the tennis player bring a tray to practice?
A: It was his turn to serve.
Q: Why did the thermometer go to college?
A: To pick up a few degrees.
Q: Why did the third grader bring a lightbulb to school?
A: He had a bright idea.
Q: Why did the track star enter the student government?
A: So he could run for office.
Q: Why did the track star repave the driveway?
A: The coach told him to do a little road work.
Q: Why did the track team bring a gate to the gym?
A: She wanted to take fencing lessons.
Q: Why did the track team buy CD’s?
A: They were always breaking records.
Q: Why did the tree pick up a book?
A: To leaf through it.
Q: Why did the vampire want to go to the biology class?
A: He heard the teacher was an old bat.
Q: Why did the vowels take driver’s ed?
A: So they could make a U turn.
Q: Why did the washcloth leave the boxing match?
A: Someone threw in the towel.
Q: Why did the wheel get a liberal education?
A: It was well-rounded.
Q: Why did the word processor fall in love with the English teacher?
A: She was his type.
Q: Why did they call the geology teacher crazy?
A: He had rocks in his head.
Q: Why did they say the school band was unsinkable?
A: Nobody could drown them out.
Q: Why did they stop playing water polo at school?
A: All the horses kept drowning.
Q: Why did they stop using the car for driver’s ed?
A: It was retired.
Q: Why didn’t the bowling pins go to school?
A: They were on strike.
Q: Why didn’t the dry cleaner finish the test?
A: He had pressing problems.
Q: Why didn’t the girls’ softball team wear stockings?
A: They had runs in them.
Q: Why didn’t the lamb graduate?
A: It was left baa-ck.
Q: Why didn’t the school alarm go off in time?
A: It was a dumb bell.
Q: Why do cafeteria workers wear roller blades?
A: So they can serve fast food.
Q: Why do dogs go to graduations?
A: To pick up their masters’ degrees.
Q: Why do electric eels go to college?
A: Because they are so bright.
Q: Why do flamingoes stand on one leg?
A: If they didn’t, they’d fall on their faces.
Q: Why do geometric figures never meet?
A: They travel in different circles.
Q: Why do magicians do so well in school?
A: They’re good at trick questions.
Q: Why do old school teachers never die?
A: They just grade away.
Q: Why do students join the soccer team?
A: Just for kicks.
Q: Why do teachers give homework?
A: So students will have something to do when they’re not watching TV.
Q: Why do textbooks carry beepers?
A: So they can get pages.
Q: Why does a math teacher have his head in the clouds?
A: Because he offers pi in the sky.
Q: Why doesn’t the Board of Health let bakeries sell orange juice?
A: Because bakers can’t be juicers.
Q: Why don’t geology teachers like modern music?
A: Because they are squares.
Q: Why don’t librarians end the rules?
A: They play by the book.
Q: Why don’t schools cheat?
A: They have principals.
Q: Why is 2 + 2 = 5 like our left foot?
A: Because it isn’t right.
Q: Why is a boat the cheapest form of transportation?
A: It runs on water.
Q: Why is a geometry teacher so boring?
A: Because he’s a square and talks in circles.
Q: Why is a poor math student like a crossed telephone line?
A: They both get a lot of wrong numbers.
Q: Why is a school day like jury trial?
A: They both end in recess.
Q: Why is arithmetic such hard work?
A: Because of all the numbers you have to carry.
Q: Why is Noah called the father of the circle?
A: He made the first arc.
Q: Why is the pen mightier than the sword?
A: No one ever invented a ballpoint sword.
Q: Why is the playground larger at recess?
A: Because there are more feet in it.
Q: Why is the school auditorium like a children’s toy?
A: There’s always assembly required.
Q: Why should you never dot another person’s “I”?
A: Because you should keep your eyes on your own paper.
Q: Why shouldn’t you pollute the ocean?
A: Because it makes the sea sick.
Q: Why shouldn’t you throw plastic bags into swamps in Louisiana?
A: Because the bags are not bayou degradable.
Q: Why was the alphabet tired out?
A: It was spellbound.
Q: Why was the astronomy teacher dizzy?
A: She kept seeing stars.
Q: Why was the cafeteria fueled by lamps?
A: They were serving a light lunch.
Q: Why was the cannibal suspended?
A: He tried to butter up his teacher.
Q: Why was the classroom so crowded?
A: It was the class of 2005.
Q: Why was the computer printer thrown out of school?
A: It copied.
Q: Why was the dried grape called on in school?
A: It was raisin its hand.
Q: Why was the driver’s ed teacher fired?
A: He couldn’t get it into gear.
Q: Why was the driver’s ed teacher so lucky?
A: He had all the brakes.
Q: Why was the dropout asked to leave the elegant party?
A: He had no class.
Q: Why was the football coach nervous during overtime play?
A: It was sudden death.
Q: Why was the geography teacher so popular with her students?
A: She gave them a lot of latitude.
Q: Why was the jump rope thrown out of school?
A: It kept skipping classes.
Q: Why was the library so crowded?
A: It was booked up.
Q: Why was the library so tall?
A: Because it had so many stories.
Q: Why was the little bird punished?
A: It was caught peeping during a test.
Q: Why was the little schoolhouse red?
A: They ran out of green paint.
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: It had too many problems.
Q: Why was the math teacher so self-absorbed?
A: He was looking out for number one.
Q: Why was the music teacher accused of cruelty?
A: She beat the drums.
Q: Why was the music teacher fired?
A: He went off on a tangent.
Q: Why was the school library so small?
A: Too many short stories.
Q: Why was the school newspaper delivered in the submarine?
A: It had a subscription.
Q: Why was the snake so bouncy?
A: It was viper-active.
Q: Why was the steer suspended from school?
A: He was the class bully.
Q: Why was the swimming coach fired?
A: He kept going off the deep end.
Q: Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
A: Because he couldn’t control his pupils.
Q: Why was the voice teacher so good at baseball?
A: She had perfect pitch.
Q: Why were all the computer users standing in a row?
A: They were online.
Q: Why were the vegetables angry at the teacher?
A: She asked them to split off into pears.
Q: Why were everyone’s grades slanted?
A: The teacher marked on a curve.
Q: Why were the music students allowed to roam the hall?
A: They had notes from their teacher.
Q: Why were the poorer students removed from school?
A: They were outclassed.
Q: Why were the students able to study underwater?
A: Because they had a sub.
Q: Why were the students in the boating class so confused?
A: They were off course.
Q: Why were the walls of the university covered with ivy?
A: Because they couldn’t afford paint.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
Can you re-tire from driver’s ed?
In Transylvania we learn to Count.
A first grader slipped in the school hall and skinned his knee. A teacher came
up to him, examined his knee and said, “Remember, big boys don’t cry.”
The boy answered, “I’m not going to cry. I’m going to sue.”
What’s that fly doing in my gravy?
Looks like the breast stroke.
Notice in school cafeteria: “Shoes are required to eat in the school cafeteria.”
Someone wrote below the notice: “Socks can eat whatever they want.”
1st Roman Soldier: “What is the time?”
2nd Roman Soldier: “XX past VII.”
Old principals never die – they just lose their faculties.
Staying in school is a Capital idea.
Time for school… Up And Atom!
Yellow Jacket: “Are you good in school?”
Wasp: “Yes – I’m a bee student.”
Almost Done
Almost Perfect Snowball
Animal Life Spans
Babble Language
Baby Suit
Back Bacon For Kids
Backward
Cheese
Bandage Art
Bathroom Celebration
Bible Guinessis - Old & New Testament by Kids
Big Ambitions
Booger Queen
Boys Will Be Boys
Brain Teasers
Bubble Boy
Bug Backpack
Cats and Backpacks
Catch of the Day
Chair Boy
Christmas Kids Joe-ks
Christmas Present for Naughty Kids
Church Moments (2.7M)
Colour Car
Copy Cats
Dear Abbey
Designer Dog
Easter Bunny’s Hare Spray
First Performance
Fish Dads
Get Down Here, Right Now! (1.8M)
Gifts For The Teacher
Glassman
Granny Humour
Grapefruit Kid
Halloween Joe-ks
Hide & Seek
Hiding Horse
Highway Slide
Hygiene On The Farm
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
The Joe-kster's Dentist
Judas Asparagus
Just Deserts
Kid Cam
Kid Kars
Kids Home
Kids Klub
Kids Say The Darndest Things
Little Johnny
Little Known Maritime Facts
Logic, Math & Reasoning Quotes
Long Kiss
Lot's Wife
Math Zero Magic
Mom's Dictionary
Mom's The Word (2.3M)
Never Give Your Kids A Flip Phone
Ode To A Turkey
Ode To Sudoku
Out Of Touch
Plain Plane Seat
Pothole Brothers
Reach For Your Dreams
Riddles
4U
Rinse Ride
Rooftop Hopscotch
Rotating Illusion - Pink Eye Trick
Safe Bike
Santa's Toy
School
Shelf Ready Sleeper
Sounds The Same
Speeding Back To School
Stay!
Stick Humour
Talking Centipede
Teeter TottHer
Things You Should Know But Don’t
Tike Trike for a Fast Baby
Toy Recall
TP Kid
Training Bike
Trivia
Valentine Love & Hisses
Van Gogh Family Tree
Wave Bored Rider's Uplifting Experience
What Do You Call A Guy Who Has…
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