#1 humor site on the 'net

Shower Bar

On Doctor's Orders

Yesterday I had my annual medical checkup. The Doctor said that, at my age, I should have a bar in the shower. So I took his advice.
Shower Bar thanks to Barry McCartney

QuotaBills
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin

One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb

That one kind of grapes on my nerves. - Archie Bunker

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes. - William Shakespeare

Talking to you is like casting pearls into wine. - Archie Bunker

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. - Plato

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb

Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer

Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid

The sweetest grapes are picked from the vineyard of friendship. - French Proverb

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

Sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed must be interrupted. - Johann Paul Friedrich Richter

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. - Benjamin Franklin

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller

Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. - Pope John XXIII

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. - Ben Franklin

People don't trust private health insurance companies for all the right reasons. - Bernie Sanders

Cheerfulness is the best promoter of health and is as friendly to the mind as to the body. - Joseph Addison

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha

What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith

A life coach does for the rest of your life what a personal trainer does for your health and fitness. - Elaine MacDonald

The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull

If you have to choose between drinking wine every day or being skinny, which would you choose: Red or White? - Unknown

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov

Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw

Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

The Bible's full of wine. God ain't got nothing against a little drink to celebrate His Son's birthday with. - Archie Bunker

The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers

A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright

The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler


Worst Aid

Mexican Recliners

Size Matters

Leadership Skills

Bottom Dweller

Gene Lifeguard

Portable Shower

Cut-Off Deadline

Kid Disposal

Racing a 'Hot Rod'

Why Elk Have Long Antlers

Biting Shoes

Romanian Auto Safety

New Player

Hoser

Garden Gnome

Hotel Waterfall

Security Guard

Real FootBall

Burger King Street

SkeleChair

Eating Kaka

Dark Side Bus Stop

Escher Stairs