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Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets

Noteable Bartender thanks to Wayne Nowazek

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don't serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn't have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I've found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn't you get my note? I've had to scale back - it'll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can't you reed? Don't use that tone with me... I didn't mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we'll be working in concert with other professionals, but we've really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don't worry - I'll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I'd like to C him again, it would B nice to know he's OK. Don't worry - he'll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can't Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It's time to drum up a new topic - I'm leaving this conversation at a low note...
QuotaBills
Music is the shorthand of emotion. - Leo Tolstoy

Yoga is 99% practice and 1% theory. - Pattabhi Jois

The piano has been drinking, not me. - Tom Waits

Canned music is like audible wallpaper. - Alistair Cooke

Statistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance. - Morris Kline

Music is what our soul sounds like when it sings. - Xila Toro

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. - Steven Wright

The earth has its music for those who will listen. - George Santayana

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. - Igor Stravinsky

Dancing can reveal all the mystery that music conceals. - Charles Baudelaire

I don't put boundaries on myself when I sit at the piano. - Vanessa Carlton

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. - Groucho Marx

No one can whistle a symphony. It takes an orchestra to play it. - H.E. Luccock

Life is a rich strain of music, suggesting a realm too fair to be. - George William Curtis

If in the afterlife there is not music, we will have to import it. - Domenico Cieri Estrada

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. - Unknown

Nothing is capable of being well set to music that is not nonsense. - Joseph Addison

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

You can run out of garlic, but you can't really run out of music. - Jace Wayland

Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford

There are eighty-eight keys on a piano and within that, an entire universe. - James Rhodes

Music has charms to sooth a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak. - William Congreve

My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell

It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf. - Walter Lippmann

Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. - Samuel Butler

Great music is as much about the space between the notes as it is about the notes themselves. - Sting

Boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. - Jack Handey

Since the mathematicians have invaded the theory of relativity, I do not understand it myself any more. - Albert Einstein

Whatever music sounds like, I am glad to say that it does not sound in the smallest degree like German. - Oscar Wilde

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. - H L Mencken

I think Paul McGuinness and U2 created the Irish music industry. It certainly wasn't there before that. - Van Morrison

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - Mark Russell

In a weird kind of way, music has afforded me an idealism and perfectionism that I could never attain as me. - Billy Corgan

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance? - Unknown

Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn. - Charlie Parker

Morals are an acquirement - like music, like a foreign language, like piety, poker, paralysis - no man is born with them. - Mark Twain

It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes. - Sir Thomas Beecham

Learning to play golf is like learning to play the violin. It's not only difficult to do, it's very painful to everyone around you. - Hal Linden

I love power. But it is as an artist that I love it. I love it as a musician loves his violin, to draw out its sounds and chords and harmonies. - Napoleon Bonaparte

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down. - Bob Newhart


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