#1 humor site on the 'net

How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

When not to measure for an ironing table

How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral thanks to Howard Chapman

QuotaBills
My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

Hell hath no fury like a woman's corns. - Archie Bunker

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a net. - Cynthia Heimel

The measure of a man is what he does with power. - Pittacus

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante

An Irish wedding is a tame thing to an Irish funeral. - Mary Deasy

Measure a man by the opposition it takes to discourage him. - Unknown

I love bringing roses to a woman when she least expects it. - Esai Morales

A woman is attractive when she is somebody else's wife. - African Proverb

The secret to a happy marriage? Do what your wife tells you. - Denzel Washington

The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. - Groucho Marx

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

That woman temptated me up there and you know she was a wonton woman. - Archie Bunker

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Unknown

The testimony of a woman has only half the value of the testimony of a man. - Iranian Penal Code

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. - Erma Bombeck

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Unknown

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. - Grace Hansen

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. - Natalie Wood

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head. - Phyllis Diller

The Book of Life begins with a man and woman in a garden, and it ends with Revelations. - Oscar Wilde

A man who moralizes is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is usually plain. - Oscar Wilde

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. - Helen Rowland

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. - Jane Austen

Sometimes a man just can't satisfy all of a woman's desires. Which is why God invented dental floss. - Unknown

I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out. - Dolly Parton

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? - Barbara Streisand

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

Babies are bits of stardust, blown from the hand of God. Lucky the woman who knows the pangs of birth, for she has held a star. - Larry Barratto

To be an atheist requires an indefinitely greater measure of faith than to receive all the great truths which atheism would deny. - Joseph Addison

The insight to see possible new paths, the courage to try them, the judgment to measure results - these are the qualities of a leader. - Mary Parker Follett

The widening of woman's sphere is to improve her lot. Let us do it, and if the world scoff, let it scoff - if it sneer, let it sneer. - Lucy Stone


T-Rex Shadow

Ordnance Table

Wine Bibber

Redneck Wireless Selfie

Tylenol Ban

GoosePrints

Louisiana Potholes

Cheers!

Billy Goat Gruff

Girlfriend Math

Coffee Days

Marathon Runner Tip

Seaweed Burger

Blinker Fluid

Doc In A Box

One At A Time

Life And Beer Are Very Similar

Redneck Speed Bump

Studley Tool Chest

Shopping With Your Husband

PEI Weather

Math Lab Bust

Political Floor

Redneck Winter Tires