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How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral

When not to measure for an ironing table

How to Prepare a Man for His Funeral thanks to Howard Chapman

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The woman that deliberates is lost. - Joseph Addison

A woman's work is never done - by men. - Unknown

God is a concept by which we measure our pain. - John Lennon

The measure of a man is what he does with power. - Pittacus

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing. - Meryl Streep

Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a Tiger Would. - Unknown

He has a woman's name and wears makeup. How original. - Alice Cooper

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee. - Stephanie Piro

Measure yourself by what you have accomplished with your ability. - John Wooden

Spend your days pursuing the things you want said at your funeral. - Peter Legge

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of. - Mae West

I'm having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife. - Ella Grasso

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Unknown

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson

I want to be a millionaire not for the money but for the woman I will become. - Jaime Tardy

The most beautiful makeup for a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy. - Yves St. Laurent

And what is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing. - Geoffrey Chaucer

The Book of Life begins with a man and woman in a garden, and it ends with Revelations. - Oscar Wilde

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you. - Groucho Marx

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be made at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg

A simple way to take the measure of a country is to look at how many want in... and how many want out. - Tony Blair

I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes. - Homer Simpson

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman

There goes a woman who knows all the things that can be taught and none of the things that cannot be taught. - Coco Chanel

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. - Robert Frost

Why is it that people rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the people involved. - Mark Twain

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

The scorn men express for a male who does housework is exceeded only by their aversion to a woman who doesn't. - Penny Kome

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being. - Oscar Wilde

I wore a thong and a bra and a wig. Those things hurt. I mean, thongs? Like, they dig in. It takes a tough man to be a woman. - Hank Azaria

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle

The widening of woman's sphere is to improve her lot. Let us do it, and if the world scoff, let it scoff - if it sneer, let it sneer. - Lucy Stone

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx

A woman with confidence is hypnotic. A smile is mesmerizing. Presence, openness, a sense of humor - these are all things that make a woman attractive. - Jessica Ortner


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