#1 humor site on the 'net

Things Bottled Up

Wine prescription on Doctor's orders

Things Bottled Up thanks to Wayne Nowazek

QuotaBills
Wine is bottled poetry. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin

The greatest wealth is health. - Virgil

Diabetes taught me discipline. - Sonia Sotomayor

One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb

Diabetes is a lousy, lousy disease. - Elaine Stritch

Life is too short to drink the house wine. - Helen Thomas

Every cask smells of the wine it contains. - Spanish Proverb

I feel young, but my body doesn't agree. - Bryant Gumbel

Good friends, like wine, get better with age. - Unknown

Space ails us moderns: we are sick with space. - Robert Frost

I want my food dead. Not sick, not dying - dead. - Oscar Wilde

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron

A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker

A room without books is like a body without a soul. - Marcus Tullius Cicero

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan

There are life-threatening issues related to diabetes. - Stephen Wallem

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. - Steven Wright

There is no physician who can cure the disease of love. - African Proverb

A sweating ovary or a sick prostate explains most history. - Martin H. Fischer

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body. - C S Lewis

Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid

Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story. - Margiad Evans

There is no cure for birth and death, save to enjoy the interval. - George Santayana

Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell. - Edward Abbey

I have the body of an eighteen-year-old. I keep it in the fridge. - Spike Milligan

Sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed must be interrupted. - Johann Paul Friedrich Richter

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. - Dorothy Parker

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. - Rodney Dangerfield

Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown

Your body is not a temple, it's an amusement park. Enjoy the ride. - Anthony Bourdain

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. - Steven Wright

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley

One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett

This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh

Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold. - Jerry Vale

Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings

Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured. - B.K. Iyengar

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. - Ross MacDonald

The French invented the only known cure for dandruff. It is called the guillotine. - P G Wodehouse

A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh

One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts. - Samuel Johnson

I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind

Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham

Diabetes is all about insulin levels and sugar levels and what you put in your body. - Jay Cutler

First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi

No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild

The way to deal with the devil of obesity and diabetes is literally one day at a time. - Stephen Furst

Life is not over because you have diabetes. Make the most of what you have, be grateful. - Dale Evans

The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx

My heart says chocolate and wine but my jeans say, for the love of God women, eat a salad. - Unknown

Measure thy life by loss instead of gain, not by the wine drunk, but the wine poured forth. - Harriet King

I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King. - Elizabeth I

The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying

I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne

My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass. - Leslie Grimutter

Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records. - Unknown

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. - Fran Lebowitz

I'm making wine at home, but I'm making it out of raisins so it will be aged automatically. - Steven Wright

I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall

My physician has become warden of my medically imprisoned body, pharmaceuticals the bars on my cell. - Grey E. Livingston

A lot of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a body saying that it needs work. - Geoffrey Norman

Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen

I've always been independent. I've always had courage. But I didn't always own my diabetes. - Mary Tyler Moore

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain

The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull

Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman

You know when you eat too many sweets and get diabetes? Paparazzi are the diabetes of materialistic culture. - Shirley MacLaine

Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw

With some diseases, like type 2 diabetes, if people get alerted early, they can take steps to avert getting sick. - Elizabeth Holmes

Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child

I was diagnosed with diabetes at age 18. I didn't know what it was, so I went to the library and looked it up. - Ron Santo

The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick

I chalk up the fact that I got diabetes to my body saying, 'Dude, you have been doing wrong for way too long!' - Randy Jackson

Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden

One of the greatest things about the sport of surfing is that you need only three things: your body, a surfboard, and a wave. - Naima Green

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul. - John Muir

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone

A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine; something Brussels Sprouts never do. - P.J. O'Rourke

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright

Morals are not, like bacon, to be cured by hanging; nor, like wine, to be improved by sea voyages; nor, like honey, to be preserved in cells. - William Taylor

I do not love to work out, but if I stick to exercising every day and put the right things in my mouth, then my diabetes just stays in check. - Halle Berry

Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. - Bible

If you are going to win any battle, you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do. - George S Patton

Think while walking, walk while thinking, and let writing be but the light pause, as the body on a walk rests in contemplation of wide open spaces. - Frederic Gros


Cow Trampoline

Suspicious Blood Donor

Friends In High Places

Hair Cut Toupee

Finger Physio

Texas Steak

Triathlete with a Drinking Problem

Awning Truck Advertising

Racial Profiling Starts Early

Your Move

Florida Bird Flu

Croc Surfing

Zip Tie Prank

Ukrainian Power Adaptor

World's Hardest Golf Shot

India Airlines Economy Flight

Downspout Planters

Camel Walkers

Head Path

Whiskey Jig

Running Track

Body Bodice - Double OUCH!!!

DogWood

Feel-Good Story of the Year