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Da Queen

The Royal House of Clinton responds to tiresome questions

Da Queen thanks to Jim Serritella

As you know, my dear people, for the last year the Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi - in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.

Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you, the people. For the next eight months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Marts, and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land, sharing your poverty and needs.

How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor that we removed thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Shockingly, unscrupulous and ungrateful officials later forced us to return many of these treasures. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given me just enough for us to scrape by.

During these difficult times, we had to cut back. When our daughter was married, we only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding. And, I remember our hopes, as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment, that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting. After working for MSNBC for a starting salary of a mere $600,000 per year, what else could she do? So I now pay her $3,000,000 a year to run the ‘Foundation’.

So, as I travel across our kingdom to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Then, when the time for the Royal Election & Coronation comes, I know I can count on you to crown me as your rightful monarch, with my assurance that I will continue King Obama’s policies, and we can all live happily ever after in La-La land.

Your Queen-in-Waiting,
Hilarity Rodham Clinton

QuotaBills
All politics is local. - Thomas P O'Neil

Politics is the art of the possible. - Otto von Bismarck

I am not a politician, but a soldier. - Idi Amin

Intelligence has nothing to do with politics. - Londo Molari

Every country has the government it deserves. - Joseph de Maistre

A politician... one that would circumvent God. - William Shakespeare

The art of government is the organization of idolatry. - George Bernard Shaw

The secret of politics? Make a good treaty with Russia. - Otto von Bismarck

The military don't start wars. Politicians start wars. - William Westmoreland

Politics is for the present, but an equation is for eternity. - Albert Einstein

We live in a world in which politics has replaced philosophy. - Martin L. Gross

A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top. - James Reston

We have the best government in the world... that money can buy. - Mark Twain

The sad duty of politics is to establish justice in a sinful world. - Reinhold Niebuhr

An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought. - Simon Cameron

The institution of royalty in any form is an insult to the human race. - Mark Twain

A politician will do anything to keep his job - even become a patriot. - William Randolph

Politics is war without bloodshed while war is politics with bloodshed. - Mao Zedong

Politics is the chloroform of the Irish people, or, rather the hashish. - Oliver St. John Gogarty

The politicians were talking themselves red, white and blue in the face. - Clare Boothe Luce

A goose flies by a chart the Royal Geographical Society could not improve. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

In politics, madame, you need two things: friends, but above all an enemy. - Brian Mulroney

Government can't give us anything without depriving us of something else. - Henry Hazlitt

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop. - P.J. O'Rourke

The short memories of American voters is what keeps our politicians in office. - Will Rogers

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. - Unknown

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians,
and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people. - Groucho Marx

Calculating how much carbon is absorbed by which forests and farms is a tricky task, especially when politicians do it. - Donella Meadows

Physicians and politicians resemble one another in this respect, that some defend the constitution and others destroy it. - Unknown

It's especially hard if the government is not providing services, or is even conducting ethnic cleansing against you. - Paul Harvey

If the government was as afraid of disturbing the consumer as it is of disturbing business, this would be some democracy. - Kin Hubbard

I am sometimes a fox and sometimes a lion. The whole secret of government lies in knowing when to be the one or the other. - Napoleon Bonaparte

We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards? - Jay Leno

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. - Oscar Ameringer

When one may pay out over two million dollars to presidential and Congressional campaigns, the U.S. government is virtually up for sale. - John W. Gardner

Hillary Clinton was the worst Secretary of State in the history of the country. The world came apart under her reign as Secretary of State. - Donald Trump

When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home. - Winston Churchill

Being in politics is like being a football coach; you have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important. - Eugene McCarthy


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