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Wife Consumption

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My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb

Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a Tiger Would. - Unknown

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. - Doug Hamwell

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the janitor. - Lucille Kallen

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

Behind every successful man is a woman.
Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire. - William Butler Yeats

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman

My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush. - Phyllis Diller

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Unknown

A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. - Rodney Dangerfield

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth". - Groucho Marx

A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed. - Unknown

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle

My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon


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