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Wife Consumption

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Electrical degenerators - Archie Bunker

My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield

Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb

Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a Tiger Would. - Unknown

No man should plant more garden than his wife can hoe. - Old Saying

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill. - Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Rodney Dangerfield

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman

A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

Behind every successful man is a woman.
Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx

I'm having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife. - Ella Grasso

Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire. - William Butler Yeats

My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign. - Woody Allen

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. - Cathy Carlyle

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Unknown

When my wife asked me to start a garden the first thing I dug up was an excuse. - Henny Youngman

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. - Rodney Dangerfield

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers

A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed. - Unknown

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop. - Winston Churchill

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon


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