Bonus Baby

Baby lying in the bassinoot. - Archie Bunker

The secret to humor is surprise. - Aristotle

Babies are such a nice way to start people. - Don Herold

Infancy conforms to nobody; all conform to it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

A baby is an inestimable blessing and a bother. - Mark Twain

Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver. - WC Fields

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy. - Von Clausewitz

Stop crime at its source - support planned parenthood. - Robert Byrne

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. - Joan Rivers

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it. - Frank A. Clark

One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control. - Rodney Dangerfield

Neither fire nor wind, birth nor death can erase our good deeds. - Buddha

Memory is a complicated thing, a relative to truth but not its twin. - Barbara Kingsolver

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Back then the women had babies, which they called in them days, begatten. - Archie Bunker

The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence, and obsolescence. - Art Linkletter

There are two things in this life for which we are never fully prepared: twins. - Josh Billingsad

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. - Natalie Wood

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids. - Jill Bensley

Having a baby is like falling in love again, both with your husband and your child. - Tina Brown

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. - Mary Marsh

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

If newborn babies could speak they would be the most intelligent beings on planet earth. - Jaden Smith

It's great to be a blonde. With low expectations it's very easy to surprise people. - Pamela Anderson

When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield

That the Pearl Harbor attack should have succeeded in achieving surprise seems a blessing from heaven. - Hideki Tojo

What a surprise to find you could shift the contents of your head like rearranging furniture in a room. - Lisa Alther

I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. - Rodney Dangerfield

Every two months, I would get an email, 'Skeleton Twins update: still don't have the money!' - Bill Hader

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. - Jim Gaffigan

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. - Will Rogers

No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.
No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader. - Robert Frost

I never used to like babies. I'd always thought if a baby were more like a chimpanzee, I'd have one. - Candice Bergen

There is not Communism or Marxism, but representative democracy and social justice in a well-planned economy. - Fidel Castro

I'm into all that sappy stuff - a surprise picnic, nice dinner, or traveling. I'm kind of an old romantic. - Will Estes

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields

Menopause: because nature decided that pregnancy, labor, delivery, breastfeeding, and stretch marks wasn't enough. - Unknown

The circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are. - Mewtwo

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

No one ever wants to see his or her name linked to anything bad. Conscience is like a baby. It has to go to sleep before you can. - Harvey Mackay