Bonus Baby

No one vinces me, baby - Michael Grant

Happiness was born a twin. - Lord Byron

Baby lying in the bassinoot. - Archie Bunker

The secret to humor is surprise. - Aristotle

Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise. - Alice Walker

Babies are such a nice way to start people. - Don Herold

A baby is an inestimable blessing and a bother. - Mark Twain

Ever notice how baby shampoo smells like spring? - Toni Sorenson

Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver. - WC Fields

Very few people know this man was born an only twin. - Henny Youngman

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy. - Von Clausewitz

Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself. - Erich Fromm

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck

Kids are life's only guaranteed bona fide upside surprise. - Jack Nicholson

One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control. - Rodney Dangerfield

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. - Leo J Burke

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant. - Richard J. Ferris

Memory is a complicated thing, a relative to truth but not its twin. - Barbara Kingsolver

Baby: a loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. - Ronald Knox

The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence, and obsolescence. - Art Linkletter

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. - Natalie Wood

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids. - Jill Bensley

An ugly baby is a very nasty object, and the prettiest is frightful when undressed. - Queen Victoria

The firsts go away - first love, first baby, first kiss. You have to create new ones. - Sarah Jessica Parker

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. - Phyllis Diller

That the Pearl Harbor attack should have succeeded in achieving surprise seems a blessing from heaven. - Hideki Tojo

I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. - Rodney Dangerfield

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. - Jim Gaffigan

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. - Will Rogers

No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.
No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader. - Robert Frost

A certificate of live birth is not the same thing by any stretch of the imagination as a birth certificate. - Donald Trump

The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.' - Shel Silverstein

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields

Menopause: because nature decided that pregnancy, labor, delivery, breastfeeding, and stretch marks wasn't enough. - Unknown

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

The wise man is but a clever infant, spelling letters from a hieroglyphical prophetic book, the lexicon of which lies in eternity. - Thomas Carlyle

Without this playing with fantasy no creative work has ever yet come to birth. The debt we owe to the play of the imagination is incalculable. - Carl Jung

Our babies are like penguins; penguin babies can't exist unless more than one person is taking care of them. They just can't keep going. - Alison Gopnik