Bonus Baby

Baby lying in the bassinoot. - Archie Bunker

The secret to humor is surprise. - Aristotle

Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise. - Alice Walker

Babies are such a nice way to start people. - Don Herold

A baby is an inestimable blessing and a bother. - Mark Twain

Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver. - WC Fields

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself. - Steve Martin

Very few people know this man was born an only twin. - Henny Youngman

Stop crime at its source - support planned parenthood. - Robert Byrne

Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself. - Erich Fromm

A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. - Carl Sandburg

You take more pictures of your baby than NASA does of Mars. - Unknown

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. - Leo J Burke

I'm a New Wave baby, so I got very stimulated by foreign film. - Jack Nicholson

Memory is a complicated thing, a relative to truth but not its twin. - Barbara Kingsolver

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Insomnia: a contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents. - Shannon Fife

At the base and birth of every successful venture you will find an enthusiast. - Winston Churchill

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. - Natalie Wood

The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf. - Mark Twain

If newborn babies could speak they would be the most intelligent beings on planet earth. - Jaden Smith

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. - Joseph Campbell

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. - Phyllis Diller

When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield

What a surprise to find you could shift the contents of your head like rearranging furniture in a room. - Lisa Alther

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. - Jim Gaffigan

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. - George S Patton

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. - Will Rogers

A certificate of live birth is not the same thing by any stretch of the imagination as a birth certificate. - Donald Trump

The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.' - Shel Silverstein

There is not Communism or Marxism, but representative democracy and social justice in a well-planned economy. - Fidel Castro

I'm into all that sappy stuff - a surprise picnic, nice dinner, or traveling. I'm kind of an old romantic. - Will Estes

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson

Menopause: because nature decided that pregnancy, labor, delivery, breastfeeding, and stretch marks wasn't enough. - Unknown

The circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are. - Mewtwo

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Our babies are like penguins; penguin babies can't exist unless more than one person is taking care of them. They just can't keep going. - Alison Gopnik