#1 humor site on the 'net

Daylight Savings Thing

Don't forget to set your clocks: Spring ahead, Fall behind

Daylight Savings Thing thanks to Howard Chapman

Time for change this calendar year

QuotaBills
All great achievements require time. - Maya Angelou

Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted. - John Lennon

Old men are children for a second time. - Aristophanes

He was not of an age, but for all time. - Ben Jonson

You must come again when you have less time. - Walter Sickert

Man is not free unless government is limited. - Ronald Reagan

Have patience! In time, even grass becomes milk. - Charan Singh

Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of. - David Coleman

Time goes by fast when you're avoiding homework. - Unknown

Being rich is having money, being wealthy is having time. - Stephen Swid

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies. - Voltaire

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. - Groucho Marx

An unhurried sense of time is in itself a form of wealth. - Bonnie Friedman

I've had Irish skin from the time I was a young girl. - Lara Flynn Boyle

Before eating, always take a little time to thank the food. - Arapaho Proverb

I'm never sick. Why get sick? It's a waste of time. - Martha Stewart

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. - Steven Wright

That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson

I used to have an hourglass figure, then the sands of time shifted. - Unknown

I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time. - Mark Twain

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. - JRR Tolkien

Time and words can't be recalled, even if it was only yesterday. - Estonian Proverb

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near. - Andrew Marvell

Human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time. - George Orwell

To lodge all power in one party and keep it there is to insure bad government. - Mark Twain

If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over? - John Wooden

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. - Nancy Astor

No thieves, no traitors, no interventionists! This time the revolution is for real! - Fidel Castro

If I've learned nothing else, it's that time and practice equal achievement. - Andre Agassi

When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. - Thomas Szasz

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. - Unknown

Character is the result of two things: Mental attitude and the way we spend our time. - Elbert Green Hubbard

Middle Age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature. - Harold Coffin

Reason is not time only interpreter of life. The fountain of action is in time feelings. - Henry T. Tuckerman

Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. - Paulo Coelho

So long as you have food in your mouth, you have solved all questions for the time being. - Franz Kafka

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

Concentrate on what you're doing - then you won't have time to tense up and worry. - Unknown

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. - Woody Allen

If I had a flower for every time I thought of you... I could walk through my garden forever. - Alfred Lord Tennyson

Every time a child is born it brings with it the hope that God is not yet disappointed in man. - Rabindranath Tagore

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got. - Art Buchwald

Show me a guy who's afraid to look bad, and I'll show you a guy you can beat every time. - Lou Brock

The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. - Will Rogers

'Next time!' In what calendar are kept the records of those next times which never come? - Helen Hunt Jackson

The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time. - Joe Girard

A person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

If fat people just gave skinny people more food, we could solve obesity and hunger at the same time. - Ashton Kutcher

When you start about family, about lineage and ancestry, you are talking about every person on earth. - Alex Haley

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. - Unknown

Consultants are people who borrow your watch and tell you what time it is, then walk off with the watch. - Robert Townsend

The friend that always finds time to spend with you without consulting his or her calendar is a true friend. - Ellen J. Barrier

He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run in sixty-four seconds, and the one before in sixty-two. - David Coleman

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. - Joan Kerr

A man with a career can have no time to waste upon his wife and friends; he has to devote it wholly to his enemies. - John Hobbes

I think when a surfer becomes a surfer, it's almost like an obligation to be an environmentalist at the same time. - Kelly Slater

You can never make the same mistake twice because the second time you make it, it's not a mistake, it's a choice. - Unknown

If the government was as afraid of disturbing the consumer as it is of disturbing business, this would be some democracy. - Kin Hubbard

If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done. - Steven Wright

If you think that praise is due, now's the time to show it, 'cause a man can't read his tombstone when he's dead. - Unknown

Today will never come again. Be a blessing. Be a friend. Encourage someone. Take time to care. Let your words heal, and not wound. - Unknown

The world, the race, the soul - in space and time the universes,
All bound as is befitting each - all surely going somewhere. - Walt Whitman

Three things you cannot recover in life: the WORD after it's said, the MOMENT after it's missed, and the TIME after it's gone. - Unknown

You don't need endless time and perfect conditions. Do it now. Do it today. Do it for twenty minutes and watch your heart start beating. - Barbara Sher

Give your subconscious a chance to work by turning your brain off from time to time. Don't focus on work or solving problems constantly. - Harvey Mackay

Deadlines aren't bad. They help you organize your time. They help you set priorities. They make you get going when you might not feel like it. - Harvey Mackay

There is only one categorical imperative: Act only according to that maxim by which you can at the same time will that it should become universal law. - Immanuel Kant


Cultural Exchange

Meowzart

Bonus Baby

Strawberry Heart

Water Skiing in Russia

Plumber's Party

Hand Face

Moon Harvest

Reach For The High-Hanging Fruit

CheckMate

Ship Tow

Redneck Turkey Shoot

Costco Wine

Downer Parking

Baconurkey

Camel Herders of the 21st Century

Redneck Palm Pilot

Turkey Day Selfie

Spool Turkey

Meal Alert

Turkey Not

Thanksgiving Harvest Time

Turkey Wants You To Eat Pork

Going Cold Turkey