Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
No man ever listened himself out of a job. - Calvin Coolidge
Never send a human to do a machine's job. - Hugo Weaving
Inequality of knowledge is the key to a sale. - Neil O Gustafson
There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. - William J. Brennan, Jr.
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. - Unknown
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. - Steven Wright
Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job. - Jim Rohn
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience. - Dilbert
The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. - Marcelene Cox
Do your job and demand your compensation - but in that order. - Cary Grant
A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job. - Zig Ziglar
Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job. - Unknown
Traditional methods of sales prospecting are grossly inefficient. - Jill Konrath
A good thing sells itself; a bad thing advertises itself for sale. - African Saying
Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves. - Dale Carnegie
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. - Phyllis Diller
I know I can act. There aren't too many other jobs I know how to do. - Jack Nicholson
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius
The job of an educator is to teach students to see vitality in themselves. - Joseph Campbell
The real opportunity for success lies within the person and not in the job. - Zig Ziglar
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire
Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales. - Stephen Hawking
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. - Muhammad Ali
They say Rome wasn't built in a day, but I wasn't in on that particular job. - Brian Clough
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application. - Ken Kraft
When women are mad or depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
If you think your boss is stupid remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. - Albert Grant
From an early age I understood that cooking was never going to be a job, it's a passion. - Gordon Ramsay
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. - Bill Gates
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers. - Frank King
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "Cigarettes contain fat." - Dave Barry
Everything is for sale in Hollywood; the fairy tale, the costume, the pumpkin, the footman and the mice. - Amanda Eliasch
Our Age of Anxiety is, in great part, the result of trying to do today's jobs with yesterday's tools. - Marshall McLuhan
Every person I work with knows something better than me. My job is to listen long enough to find it and use it. - Jack Nichols
You can always tell a real friend: when you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence Peter
People shop and learn in a whole new way compared to just a few years ago, so marketers need to adapt or risk extinction. - Brian Halligan
In every jigsaw puzzle, there is one key piece, and the only tough job is to identify that key piece from the mess out there. - Sapan Saxena
Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, "Certainly I can!" Then get busy and find out how to do it. - Theodore Roosevelt
You have to do what you love to do, not get stuck in that comfort zone of a regular job. Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is it. - Lucinda Basset
Social media is about friending someone so they'll invite you to a party or get you a job. If that's the work, Snapchat is the playground. - Evan Spiegel