Wal-Mart Job Application
What it takes to be a Greeter at Wal-Mart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas - they hired him because he was so honest...
NAME: George Martin (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Yes. Absolutely.
These are cathedrals of shopping. - Emile Zola
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. - Aristotle
Inequality of knowledge is the key to a sale. - Neil O Gustafson
Don't torture yourself... that's my job. - Carolyn Jones
A shop should be like a song of which you never tire. - Harry Gordon Selfridge
The job of the artist is always to deepen the mystery. - Francis Bacon
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. - Unknown
Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job. - Jim Rohn
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. - Geraldo Rivera
You're the lowly pheasant with the job of keeping her here. - Archie Bunker
A good thing sells itself; a bad thing advertises itself for sale. - African Saying
Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves. - Dale Carnegie
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. - Phyllis Diller
I know I can act. There aren't too many other jobs I know how to do. - Jack Nicholson
We always admire the other fellow more after we have tried to do his job. - William Feather
The job of an educator is to teach students to see vitality in themselves. - Joseph Campbell
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners. - Albert Camus
People forget how fast you did a job - but they remember how well you did it. - Howard Newton
Hillary Clinton is not going to be able to create jobs, I will tell you right now. - Donald Trump
I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. - Rodney Dangerfield
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. - Muhammad Ali
They say Rome wasn't built in a day, but I wasn't in on that particular job. - Brian Clough
When women are mad or depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek
If you love your job and the people you are working with, you never have to go to work. - Chris Johnson
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
From an early age I understood that cooking was never going to be a job, it's a passion. - Gordon Ramsay
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. - Bill Gates
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers. - Frank King
I remember when the candle shop burned won. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday." - Steven Wright
No kid is unsmart. Every kid's a genius at something. Our job is to find it. And then encourage it. - Robin Sharma
Everything is for sale in Hollywood; the fairy tale, the costume, the pumpkin, the footman and the mice. - Amanda Eliasch
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth - even if it costs him his job. - Samuel Goldwyn
Too often, sales reps simply regurgitate their presentations and expect to land the sale. It doesn't work. - Harvey Mackay
If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan
There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. - Joe Ryan
You can always tell a real friend: when you make a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. - Laurence Peter
You have to do what you love to do, not get stuck in that comfort zone of a regular job. Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is it. - Lucinda Basset
There is a difference between conceit and confidence. Conceit is bragging about yourself. Confidence means you believe you can get the job done. - Johnny Unitas
Social media is about friending someone so they'll invite you to a party or get you a job. If that's the work, Snapchat is the playground. - Evan Spiegel