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September 2010
2010 marks our 15th year online - THANKS to all our supporters!
here's the September Calendar 4U


Join us for our newest (267th)  Image Caption -  Head Loose Socket
Order Your Free Personalized 2010 Calendar

Order our 2010 Hooters (OWL) Calendar - 2 options for those who give a hoot!

YesterYear
November 5-6, 2006:  Joe's Guinness World Record for Sudoku Puzzles
This Day In History
September 3, 1969: 1st ATM MachineSeptember 3, 1962: Opening of Trans-Canada highwaySeptember 3, 1939: Start of World War II
Test your World Knowledge    Trivia  Section
What tree appears on the flag of Lebanon?
What river separates Buda from Pest?
What musical instrument appears on a Guinness label?
What is the world's smallest owl?

Get your 'Riddle-in' @ joe-ks.com!    Riddle  Section
What goes around wood but can't get in it?
What wears shoes but has no feet?
What is the easiest way to grow tall?
If a band plays music in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightning

You're Kid'n me, right?    Kids  Section
What's the difference between prospectors and butchers?
What do you give a Doctor who prescribes a placebo?
Why is Camembert called a two-handed cheese?
What is weirder than a talking dog?

Newest Humour
Air race casualty - no bull
Children�s Bible in a nutshell
Just what the Doctor ordered
Thomas the Tank's split personality
Wait Lifting - 'When I grow up I'm gonna be a strong man'
Standoff at the African watering hole
Unexpected welcome home
Caricature art at the hair-port
The only grinning falcon on the 'net
Toys for Boys
Men - stand up and be counted!
Creative cutlery - latest in stainless flatware
Bubba spares no effort to get the last drop in the can
Update on Bob's scrotum operation
How to save time in long lineups
Side Car or Slide Car?
Will you miss it next time?
Choosing your family Doctor
How to downsize your spouse
Michelangelo's David returns home after two year loan to U.S.
Olympic committee takes back skier's gold medal
Bubba's new taxi uses shopping cart coins
What if Moses had turned right instead of left after crossing the Red Sea?
When the cargo letsgo
Bubba finally finds Victoria's Secret

World-1st  Trivia Sudoku,  easy kSudoku  &  Chinese Sudoku  puzzles

Original Hand-Made Sudoku Puzzles - CAUTION: Very Addictive!
1st online Blind (Braille) Sudoku - a Braille-iant idea...

2nd Guinness World-1st Record set by Joe Defries, the Sudokuholic
1st Guinness World-1st Record set by Joe Defries and The Possibells
Looking for the Newest Joe-ks?

Judas Asparagus

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.

The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one”, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, “Give me a light!” and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived like a million or something.
... click here for remainder of   Judas Asparagus

Men Are Like...

Men are like Apples On Trees.
Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like Blenders. You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.
Men are like a Deck of Cards.
Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like Fine Wine.
Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like Horoscopes.
Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.
Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
... click here for remainder of   Men Are Like...

Prayer Request for Bob

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise item. Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Bob must have experienced.

“Bob was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Bob’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Bob.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say...
... click here for remainder of   Prayer Request for Bob

Building Permit

I recently applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights, windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
The City Council turned down my permit.

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday...

Trink Das Wasser Nicht

Near Frankenmuth, Michigan, there's a large German-speaking, Lutheran population.
A farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The farmer shouted: “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.”
Which means: “Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.”
The man shouted back, “I'm from Washington D.C. and I'm up here campaigning for Obama's health care plan - I can't understand you. Please speak in English.”
The farmer replied, “Use both hands; you'll get more water that way.”

Trivia Contest

I lost the trivia contest at the Church social last night by one point.
The last question was: “Where do most women have curly hair?”
Apparently the correct answer is “Africa.”
Also, I've been asked to find another place to worship.

I became confused when I heard the word “service” used with these agencies:

Revenue Canada “Service”
Postal “Service”
Telephone “Service”
Cable TV “Service”
Civil “Service”
City, Provincial & Public “Service”
Customer “Service”

This is not what I thought “service” meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to “service” his cows.

BAM! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

If God Had Texted the 10 Commandments

1.   no1 b4 me. srsly.
2.   dnt wrshp pix/idols
3.   no omg's
4.   no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
5.   pos ok - ur m&d r cool
6.   dnt kill ppl
7.   :-X only w/ m8
8.   dnt steal
9.   dnt lie re: bf
10.   dnt ogle ur bf's hse. or m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob

... click here for remainder of   If God Had Texted the 10 Commandments

Ernest Hemingway Quotes

A man can be destroyed but not defeated.
A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.
About morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.
All good books have one thing in common - they are truer than if they had really happened.
All modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called Huckleberry Finn.
... click here for remainder of   Ernest Hemingway Quotes

Owls Ahoy!

All owls have features quite diverse,
That victims on occasion curse.
Their forward-facing eyes surprise,
So large, they almost hypnotise;
And set so deep just like a cat,
In disc-like face that's almost flat.
The hunted no doubt feel aghast,
When in Owl's fatal vortex cast.
... click here for remainder of   Owls Ahoy!

Aussie Owls

Of all birds seen in our great land,
Owls appear divinely gowned.
Although they live lives privately,
Most emerge nocturnally.
Powerful Owls can eyes defy,
Even when high in the sky.
Their love-hoot calls for lonely mates
Must surely lead to many dates.
... click here for remainder of   Aussie Owls

John Wooden Quotes

A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment.
Be prepared and be honest.
Be quick, but don't hurry.
Being average means you are as close to the bottom as you are to the top.
Discipline yourself and others won't need to.
Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.
Failing to plan is planning to fail.
It isn't what you do, but how you do it.
It's not so important who starts the game but who finishes it.
Listen if you want to be heard.
Make every day your masterpiece.
Never mistake activity for achievement.
The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team.
The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching.
Winning takes talent, to repeat takes character.
... click here for more   John Wooden Quotes

Every Man's Philosophy

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure know how to get out of my neighbourhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
... click here for more   Every Man's Philosophy

Robert Frost Quotes

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
A civilized society is one which tolerates eccentricity to the point of doubtful sanity.
A definite purpose, like blinders on a horse, inevitably narrows its possessor's point of view.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone.
A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness.
A poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom.
A poet never takes notes. You never take notes in a love affair.
A successful lawsuit is the one worn by a policeman.
... click here for more   Robert Frost Quotes

Golf Poem

In my hand I hold a ball,
White and dimpled, rather small;
Oh, how bland it does appear,
This harmless looking little sphere.

By its size I could not guess,
The awesome strength it does possess;
But since I fell beneath its spell,
I've wandered through the fires of Hell.

My life has not been quite the same
Since I chose to play this stupid game;
It rules my mind for hours on end,
A fortune it has made me spend.

It has made me yell, curse and cry,
I hate myself and want to die;
It promises a thing called par,
If I can hit it straight and far.

To master such a tiny ball
Should not be very hard at all;
But my desires the ball refuses,
And does exactly as it chooses.

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies,
And even disappears before my eyes;
Often it will have a whim -
To hit a tree or take a swim.

With miles of grass on which to land,
It finds a tiny patch of sand;
Then has me offering up my soul,
If only it would find the hole.

It's made me whimper like a pup,
And swear that I will give it up;
And take to drink to ease my sorrow   ;<(
But the ball knows ... I'll be back tomorrow.

Viagra Ingredients

I knew it... I just knew it! I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!
3% Vitamin
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-a-Flat

eBay Bid

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay? I put in a bid for a “Mickey Mouse Outfit”, and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning the Toronto Maple Leafs!

Asses and Camels

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land.”

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land.”

Now Obama and Pelosi have stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

God help us.

Military Quotes

“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.” - Basic Flight Training Manual
“Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.” - Maritime Ops Manual
“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” - Infantry Journal
“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.” - Emergency Checklist
“If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.” - Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk
... click here for rest of the Military Quotes

Chocolate Math for 2010

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (try for more than once but less than 10) ...
2. Multiply this number by 2 ...
3. Add 5 ...
4. Multiply it by 50. I'll wait while you get the calculator ...
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1760 *; If you haven't, add 1759 *...
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born ...
You should have a three digit number ...
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to have chocolate each week) ...
The next two numbers equal ...
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES IT IS!!!)

Three Stages of Man

The three stages of man:
1. He believes in Santa Claus.
2. He does not believe in Santa Claus.
3. He is Santa Claus.

Most Famous Man

One day at kindergarten the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, “I'll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”

A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”
The teacher said, “I'm sorry Sean, that's not correct.”

Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.”
The teacher replied, “I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.”

Finally a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said, “That's absolutely right, David. Come up here and I'll give you $10.”

As the teacher was giving David his money, she said, “You know, David, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ.' ”
David replied, “Yes, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business...”

Frozen Crabs

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Newfoundland with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Toronto, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Newfoundland, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

Tiger Woods Would

After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.
After winning just about everything, Tiger has finally lost his drive!
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.
Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
Confucius say, “Cheetah Down Under puts Tiger in deep Woods.”
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
He may be a Tiger in the woods, but is a cub who is clubbed at home.
Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
Q: What club did Elin use to “rescue” her husband? A: A bitching wedge.
Seen the latest Chinese movie about Tiger Wood's crash, called “Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger”?
This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards.
This year's adult pantomime: “Woods in the Babes.”
Tiger aced the hole on the 2nd.
Tiger would have done much better by hitting a birdie.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
Tiger's new nickname 'Cheetah' is still in the cat family.
Triple-Bogey for Tiger Woods: “I Love You!”, “I Love You!”, and “I Love You!”
Q: What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? A: They're both clubbed by Norwegians.
Q: What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? A: Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Q: What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? A: They went clubbing.

Too Much Turkey

1. You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses.
2. Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.
3. Your after dinner moans are loud enough to signal Dr. Kevorkian.
4. The “Gravy Boat” your wife set out was a real 12' boat.
5. The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland.
6. You get grass stains on your butt after a walk, but never sat down.
7. Your “Big Elvis Super-Belt” won't even go around your waist.
8. You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.
9. You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.
10. Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
11. You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.
12. A guest quotes a Biblical passage from “The Feeding of the 5000”.
13. That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.
14. Your wife wears a life jacket at night in your water bed.
15. Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.
16. You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty.
17. It looks like the left-overs are gonna last until Christmas.
18. Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this...

Father Load

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”
He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied. “No money in the bank.”

The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Irish Bar

Two Irish men walked out of a bar ...
Well, it could happen!

How Do I Get To Carnegie Hall?

Violinist Mischa Elman (1891 - 1967) was walking head down 56th Street towards Sixth Avenue after a less-than-successful rehearsal, and was approached by tourists who saw his violin case in hand.
One of the tourists asked, “Can you tell us how to get to Carnegie Hall?”
Without looking up or slowing his pace, Elman said, “Practice, practice, practice!”

British Generosity

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure. Australia is sending medical teams and supplies. Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis. God Bless British generosity!

2009 U.S. Economy

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Jewish women are marrying for love.
Even people who had nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds", you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer, and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truck of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly paid job now is jury duty.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
The Bernard Madoff scandal made $50 billion disappear - nothing compared to Congress who made $750 billion disappear!

Middle Age by Mother Goose

Jack and Jill jogged up the hill,
Their breath came faster and faster.
Before the top they made a stop,
Narrowly averting a myocardial disaster.

Jack tried to be nimble,
He tried to be quick;
He shot hoops with young guys
And ruptured a disc.

...

Oh where, Oh where
Has my estrogen gone?
Oh where, Oh where
Can it be?

I was once young and fair,
Now I sprout facial hair,
Oh hormones please
Come back to me.

Two Cow Capitalism

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. The cows go on strike to keep out American hormone-fed milk and launch a stampede through a McDonalds franchise at Euro-Disney. The French Cow Liberation Front hacks into the Cheddar website with images of Roquefort and WAV files declaring "Vive la France!" You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.
... click here for rest of the Updated   Two Cow Capitalism ...

Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to Church with him.

He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Church with me today? We'll have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to Church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. Getting depressed, he decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Church with me and learn about God?"

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

Dubm Quotes

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." - Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas. - Keppel Enderbery

Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances. - Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people. - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need? - Lee Iacocca

I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix. - Dan Quayle while campaigning

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Al Gore, Vice President

Half this game is ninety percent mental. - Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. - Texas Congressional candidate

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff. - Mariah Carey

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995)

Pothole Brothers

After a rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, five year old Little Johnny, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the younger boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she asked as she shook Little Johnny in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.
"I was just baptizing him... in the name of the Father, the Son and ... in the hole-he-goes."

Little Johnny's Gripping Story

Three year old Little Johnny is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

Little Johnny is gripping on to the toilet seat with his left hand and hitting himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says, "Johnny, are you alright? You've been in here for a while."

Little Johnny says, "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone �doody' yet."

Mother says, "OK, you can stay here a few more minutes. But Johnny, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Little Johnny says, "Works for ketchup."

Farm Football

Bubba, fresh from the cornfields of his family farm, was encouraged to try out for the local football team.

"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said Bubba, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said Bubba. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
Bubba rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds, then said, "Well, sir, if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

The Porkulus Package

Apolitical Suggestion

Members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their sponsors.

Good Golfer

A husband and wife are on the 9th green, when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

He quickly calls the clubhouse on his cell phone, and after a brief conversation, picks up his putter and lines up his stroke.

His wife looks up from the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," he says calmly. "They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody has agreed to let him play through."

Solution For A Poor Economy

I believe I have a solution for the current economic condition. Considering the billions of dollars being poured into revitalizing the economy, I think that this idea would work. It's even complicated and confusing enough to satisfy the most ardent civil servant. Of course, there are some stipulations attached.

Politicians at any level do not qualify. The recipients must have been born in this country. Also, all levels of government must cap current overheads such as taxes.

Grocers, lawyers, homebuilders, appliance manufacturers, foreign automakers, foreign oil and gas companies, foreign communication companies, foreign mining companies, forestry companies, construction companies, etc. must also have their current prices capped, thereby preventing outrageous inflation.

People convicted of criminal actions do not qualify either. That leaves, I think, the average consumer.

Now, the solution you've been waiting for: Give the remaining population a lump sum of $1 million each. This will give the general public the necessary disposable income to keep spending or investing. It's also a lot cheaper.

We don't have a population of 40 billion. The drug dealers and addicts will take care of themselves as they are doing now. By the time this economic downturn rights itself, most of these recipients will be back to where they were anyway: no further ahead, just as the government likes, and the cycle will start again. The banks aren't saddled with foreclosures and everybody is happy.

Wisdom From Elders

Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
At my age, getting a second doctor's opinion is kind of like switching slot machines.
Discussing how old you are is the temple of boredom.
Don't grow old without money, honey.
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
Everyone has a gift for something, even if it is the gift of being a good friend.
Go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?
I am old enough to tell the truth. It is one of the privileges of age.
I have everything now that I had twenty years ago, except now it's all lower.
I want to die young at an advanced age.
If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right.
If you want immortality - make it.
I'll never make the mistake of being seventy again.
I'm just the same age I've always been.
I've always been in the right place at the right time. Of course, I steered myself there.
In a curious way, age is simpler than youth, for it has so many fewer options.
Inside every seventy-year-old is a thirty-five-year-old asking, "What happened?"
It is better to be approximately right than precisely wrong.
It's taken me all my life to learn what not to play.
Live your life and forget your age.
Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.
Musicians don't retire; they stop when there's no more music in them.
Old age ain't for sissies.
Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do.
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
The only sin is mediocrity.
The trick is growing up without growing old.
To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
You can't have everything, even in California.
You're never too old to become younger.
... click here for rest of   Wisdom From Elders ...

New Investment Definitions

BROKER - What my broker has made me.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
'BUY, BUY' - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
CALL OPTION - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a Nuthouse.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
PROFIT - Religious guy who talks to God.
(S&P) STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share (see YA HOO).
YA HOO - What you yell after selling all you owned to some poor sucker for $240 per share (see WINDOWS).

Purina Diet

Yesterday, I was at PetSmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Angel the Wonder Dog. I was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her, 'No, I don't have a dog. I am starting the Purina Diet again.'

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets. Then you simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her, 'No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.'

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. PetSmart won't let me shop there anymore.

Out Of Touch

5 Steps to a Healthy Diet

1. List your ten favourite foods.
2. List your five favourite beverages.
3. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little trees.
4. List water.
5. Avoid 1 & 2; eat only 3; drink only 4 and watch the pounds melt off.

Revised Wall Street Terms

BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
FINANCIAL PLANNER - A person whose phone has been disconnected.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past week investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
P/E RATIO -The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

Bubba's New Truck

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy, Bubba, driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?"
"Tammie give it to me," Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6,in the middle of no wheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out,
threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you."

Mennonite Washrooms

Why do they put condoms in Mennonite washrooms?
To prevent the spread of Abes.

Daffynitions Update

Abundance: A social event held in a farm building.
Agrophobia: The fear of being beaten up in an open space.
Anarachnophobia: The fear of spiders wearing waterproof coats.
Antibody: Your Uncle's wife.
Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
Catastrophe: First prize at a cat show.
Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody disagrees later on.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Deliberate: To take back to prison.
Diatribe: An extinct race.
Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else get your way.
Dulcet: A boring tennis match.
Experience: Something you don't get until just after you needed it.
Factory: A set of encyclopedias.
Faggot: A lady maggot.
Farthingale: A cheap hurricane.
Fortune: A singing quartet.
His: Pronoun, meaning hers.
Igloo: An Alaskan toilet.
Intense: A camping vacation.
... click here for more   Daffynitions ...

Search Four Three Goats

At a Texas high school a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let THREE goats loose in the school. Before they let them go, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

These kids really outsmarted the adults... Don't you wish you'd thought of this when you were in high school?

Baby's First Exam

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Grandma's Beautiful Pies

A tip just n time for those Thanksgiving pies! Granny Adams made such beautiful pies! One day, I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"

"Well, it's a family secret," she said. "But if you promise not to tell, I'll let you in on it."
"Okay," I said. "Tell me!"

"Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put it in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate."

"Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too full. Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling."

"Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest, even impressions you ever did see!"

Smart Fishermen

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, who offered them one wish each.

The first fisherman said: "Double my I.Q." so the mermaid did it and, to his surprise, he started reciting Shakespeare.

Then the second fisherman said: "Triple my I.Q." and sure enough the mermaid did it. Amazingly, he started doing complex math problems he didn't even know existed.

The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q., but the mermaid asked, "Are you sure about that? It will change your whole life!"

"Yes, yes," replied the impatient fisherman, "quadruple my I.Q."
So the mermaid turned him into a woman.

Control Your Anger

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband:  "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush..."

Secret to Russian Sport Success

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